by Renee Roman
Able to think clearer, she concentrated on recent conversations she and DJ had regarding Trinity and past loves. Blaze had been upset, naturally, and DJ had been there to help her through each and every time, telling her she deserved better. Telling her they’d never…she gasped. DJ had told her those women couldn’t love her the way she needed. Blaze had never really studied her words, but now that she did, what had DJ meant? She began to pace the length of wood planking, cold under her feet.
“Wouldn’t I have seen it?” she said into the brisk air, puffs of steam trailing from her mouth. The afternoon had turned frigid. But the cold kept her mind sharp, and the alcohol had no effect on her. The more she recalled, the more she wondered if Trinity had been able to see what she’d failed to. That DJ was in love with her. Was that the reason for DJ’s former “going nowhere” relationships?
The last woman DJ had been with appeared to be a perfect fit, but it had ended less than a year after it had begun with DJ citing they had “little in common aside from sex.” Blaze was left to question DJ’s investment in her own relationships.
There was nothing she could do right now about Trinity. She didn’t think she’d answer if she called. Especially not since she’d scared her by using the word family. But she could sure as hell get in touch with DJ and have an apparently long overdue heart-to-heart. Blaze winced at the cliché. How could she have been so blind for so long?
* * *
An hour later, Blaze finally heard from her.
“Hi.” DJ sounded upbeat. “Is everything all right? It’s not like you to be calling instead of texting.”
She battled for control of her rising anger. She’d called at least a dozen times, and by now all she wanted to do was yell at her. “We need to talk.”
“Okay.” DJ drew out the word as though she didn’t have a clue what the topic was. Blaze doubted her naivety.
“In person.” It came out harsher than needed and she took a moment to calm down. “It’s important.”
DJ sighed. “It must be if you want to see me. Give me a bit to change.”
“Fine.” She hung up and tossed the phone aside. The situation was a mess. She ran her hands over her face, startled when Baxter nosed her arm. “Where did you go?” Baxter let out a low whine and put her paws on Blaze’s chest so she could rub against her. She buried her face in the soft fur as she scratched under her chin. “This is the only reason I have you, you know.”
At least she had a game plan. Phase one: talk to DJ and either confirm or refute Trinity’s suspicions. Phase two: talk to Trinity and rationally discuss what they both wanted out of life…and each other. All she could do in the meantime was wait for DJ’s arrival. Waiting had never been her strong point.
* * *
“Is it true? Are you in love with me?” Blaze asked as she stared into DJ’s eyes, wanting to see all the way to her soul.
“You know I love you.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
DJ took her mug and headed for the kitchen. “Don’t you have anything stronger than coffee? Like whiskey?”
She came up behind DJ and set a bottle of Tennessee bourbon on the counter. “One shot, then you tell me the truth. All of it.” She pulled two shot glasses down from the cabinet and poured, handing DJ one while lifting the other. “To best friends.”
“To best friends,” DJ said, her hand shaking so much the liquid cascaded over the edge, staining her shirt before she got it to her mouth.
Arms crossed, Blaze locked her gaze and waited.
“Yes. I’m in love with you.”
Her back stiffened. “When…” she began, then shook her head. “How long?”
DJ glanced away, then came back to her. “Forever.”
She dropped onto a stool and poured another shot, downing it, then poured another. Anger rose again as past relationships played in her mind. “Amber. Remember her? We were good together. We wanted the same things and it seemed like we were getting in deeper, closer. Then all of a sudden, she was gone. I never knew why.” Blaze threw back her third shot. “Do you know why?”
DJ blanched, and her eye contact became tentative and wavering. “I may have said something about you just being interested in a good time.”
“A good time? For Christ’s sake, DJ. I was falling in love with her.”
“I know. But she wasn’t good enough for you.”
Blaze picked up the bottle and slammed it back down. She was surprised it didn’t shatter. “I don’t understand. What happened? I thought we came to an agreement that our friendship was more important than a physical entanglement.”
“That was your decision, not mine.” DJ’s voice cracked. “All I ever wanted was to be the one you chose as your partner. You were everything I’d ever wanted in a woman. You’re funny and intelligent and kind. When you cared for something…someone, you gave your everything. Every time you found a woman to take my place…” She hung her head.
Blaze couldn’t see her eyes, but she didn’t miss the tears that fell. “Don’t you already know,” Blaze said. The sorrow she was experiencing was so deep it stole her breath. “No one could ever take your place. Not then. Not now.”
DJ sobbed and tears flowed down her cheeks when she looked up. “But it wasn’t just your friendship I wanted. It’s all of you. I tried not to love you. I knew you didn’t want it. Didn’t want me. And every time I thought I’d mastered my feelings they came back tenfold. My relationships failed because I couldn’t let you go.” DJ turned away and moved toward the door, her shoulders shaking.
Blaze grasped her hand. “DJ, I don’t want you to go.” She pulled her into a seat, so they were facing each other. “I love you. I’ll always love you, but not in the way you want. I thought we were on the same page. I’m not going to say I’m not pissed about you interfering, but you’re my best friend.”
Another sob escaped from DJ and she swiped at her tears. “Where do we go from here?”
Blaze’s anger dissipated in the face of DJ’s obvious pain. She’d managed to break DJ’s heart and she hadn’t even noticed. She’d never taken the time to analyze things DJ said or did as meaning something else. “First, you promise me you’ll leave decisions about who I choose to date or love to me.” DJ quickly nodded. “I mean it, so don’t forget it. I may not be so forgiving next time.” She took a breath. “I want you to take a step back.” DJ’s eyes welled up and Blaze took her hand. “I need time to reconcile your feelings, and I think some space will help us both. You need to let go so you can find someone else. Someone you can be really happy with.”
“Okay.” DJ’s voice was quiet, and she looked utterly defeated.
“Then you remember we’re best friends and no matter what, that’s not going to change.”
“Even when I totally screw up?” DJ still looked stricken.
Blaze shared a small smile. “Especially when you screw up. And I expect the same from you.”
“Done.” DJ let out a breath.
Blaze poured two more shots and handed her one. “Finally, we toast to not hiding any more secrets from each other.”
They tossed back the amber liquid. Blaze knew she couldn’t let DJ leave even if she wanted to. The liquor would go straight to her head.
“What are you going to do about Trinity? Do you want me to—”
Blaze held up her hand. “You’ve done enough.” She softened her gaze. “I’m going to have to handle this one on my own.” She wiped her hands over her face and told DJ what had happened between them.
DJ stood. “You’ve probably had enough of me. I should head out.” She swayed and reached for the counter.
“You aren’t going anywhere,” Blaze said. “I know what a lightweight you are when it comes to bourbon. You can spend the night in the guest room, but I’d lock the door because I’m still pretty pissed at you.”
DJ’s eyes got big and her mouth fell open.
“Only kidding, but it was worth the look on your face.” She grinned.
>
“Very funny. Is that how you charm all your women?” DJ asked.
“Sometimes,” she said, winking. “Get some sleep. I’ll cook you breakfast in the morning.”
Chapter Forty-one
Trinity glanced at the clock and groaned. For the last two days she’d barely gotten more than a few hours of sleep here and there, and her lack of energy at work was a direct result. She’d spent the time reasoning the pros and cons, but no matter how much the idea of having children scared the shit out of her, a future without Blaze in it didn’t sound at all inviting.
She stumbled out to the kitchen. Her last shift ended on time but had felt like a double. The aroma of coffee helped wake her sleepy body. Her mind was already in overdrive.
Blaze had left voice mails and sent numerous text messages since she’d run out without giving her a chance to elaborate, and Trinity ignored each one, unsure how to face what she really wanted.
The mug shook in her hand as her phone vibrated for what must have been the hundredth time, and Blaze’s image flashed on her screen. It had been unfair to use DJ’s behavior as a reason to run, but she knew Blaze would see beyond that, and Blaze’s family had shown her a very different meaning of family. One where people loved and cared for and about each other. She hadn’t given Blaze the opportunity to discuss her feelings either. Wasn’t that what couples did? Talk things out. Weigh their options, their differences, and come to a mutual understanding, if not an agreement? Why couldn’t she seem to get a grip on being rational? Or was she simply using her background as a safety mechanism to keep her distance and not take a chance on the outcome? Her life was already very different from her parents’, and her future would be, too. Trinity hit the mute button, silencing the vibration. She couldn’t think if she heard Blaze’s voice, the one that spoke of things she’d never dreamt of having for herself, or a special someone to share them with. If she went back to Blaze, she needed to be sure she could be the person Blaze deserved.
She felt like screaming. She’d been so single-minded that she hadn’t seen what was right in front of her. Life didn’t have to be all or nothing. It wasn’t black and white. She could be successful and have a relationship, too. It had been stupid on her part to think otherwise, and now she was alone. Every time they touched, her world spun out of control and she questioned why she’d ever doubted how much she wanted Blaze to be her special someone. She wasn’t naive enough to consider years down the road. The future was never a given. She’d seen too much tragedy in her life to be fooled into thinking she’d be spared heartache at some point, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t be grateful for today or tomorrow. In her quest for independence she’d wasted precious time. It took her a minute to remember what Blaze had said.
She chewed the inside of her cheek. Kelly was still sleeping, but she needed her opinion. She crept into Kelly’s bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed with a fresh cup of coffee. It wasn’t long before she began to stir and stretch, blinking at the sunlight streaming into her room because Trinity had pulled the curtain back.
“Geez, what’s with all the light?” Kelly groaned and rolled onto her side, shielding her eyes.
“It’s better than me fumbling around in the dark and scaring you.” Trinity grinned even though Kelly wasn’t looking at her, and she moved the steaming mug closer.
Kelly rubbed her eyes, sat up, took a sip, and sighed. “What time is it?”
The guilt she was already experiencing over ignoring Blaze increased. “A little after nine.”
“You do know I got home four hours ago, right?”
She nodded. “Yes. I promise I’ll let you sleep all day if you want, but I need to talk and it can’t wait.” Trinity pulled her phone from her pocket and shoved it at Kelly, who squinted as she tried to focus.
“What am I looking at?” She set her drink down and reached for it, then scrolled through the list. “Oh, wow,” Kelly said as she viewed the phone log of missed calls, then texts. “Blaze really wants to talk to you.” She looked back up. “And there’s voice mails. Have you listened to them?”
She hadn’t had the courage to hear Blaze’s voice, afraid of what she might hear. “I want to, but I can’t.”
Kelly sat up higher in bed, stuffing pillows behind her. “Why not?”
Trinity shook her head. “I don’t think I can give her children, and I think that’s what she wants most.”
“Jumping to conclusions without facts isn’t like you, and it’s not fair for you to assume Blaze is sold on having children, even if she did mention it.” Kelly pursed her lips and took her hand. “Do you want to listen to them together?”
Did she really want to hear the deep alto, sexy-as-hell voice she remembered so well when all she’d been trying to do was forget how wonderful it was when they were together? She glanced from the phone to Kelly. “I have to, don’t I?”
“Only if you want to, but I think you need to. You haven’t been the same since you stormed out of her place, and we both know it.”
The first message was from the night when she’d left. Blaze asked her to call. The next was another request to talk and that they needed to “clarify some things.” The last one was a plea, saying she was miserable without her and they couldn’t resolve anything by staying away from each other. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she missed Blaze every minute of every hour. Maybe the only way she could have peace was by seeing her and telling her exactly how she felt.
“So, are you going to continue to bury your head—and your heart—in the sand, or are you going to do something about it?”
All too well, she knew the truth. It was time she took a step forward and stopped letting inertia rule her mind, and her heart, as Kelly so eloquently said. “I’m going to call her.” It was the only sensible thing to do and she’d wasted enough time worrying about an outcome she couldn’t predict.
“Cool.” Kelly handed over the phone. “Now go away.” Kelly snuggled down under the blankets. “And pull those damned drapes.”
She stared at her phone, took a calming breath, and pressed Blaze’s number as she closed the door softly behind her.
Chapter Forty-two
Blaze continued to squeeze the tennis ball. Cassie instructed her to continue with the exercise to decrease the muscle fatigue she occasionally still experienced. Trinity’s name flashed on her screen. Maybe her persistence was paying off. Finally. She hadn’t been patient. She couldn’t let Trinity walk out of her life without some form of reconciliation.
“Hi.”
“Uh…hi. How are you?” The nervous breathiness in Trinity’s voice traveled over the distance between them.
“I’m okay. Good, even.”
“Oh.” Disappointment laced that single word.
“I’m good because I’m talking to you.” Blaze knew if she didn’t confess now, she might never be able to. “But I’m not okay about how things are between us. And I miss you terribly.”
Trinity’s voice sounded small and vulnerable. “Really?”
“Yes, really.” She put down the ball, wanting to concentrate on every word between them. She would have taken notes if she thought it necessary, but she hung on Trinity’s every word whenever they talked so there wasn’t any reason to think this time would be any different. “Can I see you?” Blaze wasn’t about to let this opportunity slip by. Nothing would be resolved over the phone. She needed to see Trinity’s reaction to what she had to say.
“Now?”
“Yes. Unless you’re going to work, I won’t take no for an answer.” The silence on the other end tightened her chest with dread. Maybe Trinity had already made up her mind and only called to say nothing would change it.
“Can I bring anything?”
“All I want is you.”
She hung up and began to pace. The argument in her head—the one she’d practiced so many times and all the while thinking she might not ever get a chance to say—didn’t carry as much weight as it had when she’d started formulat
ing it. It wasn’t about who was right or wrong. Being apart proved it didn’t matter. She couldn’t go back, and she was sure Trinity couldn’t either. The most important thing in her world was having Trinity in it. She’d do whatever she had to, even if it meant giving up her dream of having children. What would holding on to a dream matter if the woman she wanted to share it with wasn’t there?
It wasn’t like her to be nervous. Normally, she remained calm in trying situations without displaying outward signs of distress. But right now, Blaze felt like a caged animal, ready to spring. For the last few weeks she’d tried to deny the truth, but there it was, staring her in the face when she glanced in the mirror. She was in love with Trinity.
Thirty minutes later, the doorbell rang, and she gave herself a last-minute pep talk. I can do this. Trinity wore dark skinny jeans with a grass green sweater beneath her jacket. The color accentuated her stormy eyes. Her smile was tentative, reassuring Blaze they were both apprehensive.
“Hi,” she said. As much as her fingers tingled to touch Trinity, she held back, unsure where they stood on the intimacy scale.
“Hey you.” Trinity looked around. “Can I come in?”
She’d been so lost in Trinity’s beauty, her manners suffered. “Sorry. I was…” She shook her head and stepped aside. Maybe Trinity didn’t want to hear about her infatuation.
Trinity held up a wax-coated bag. “I wasn’t sure what the meal for midmorning should be, so I opted for donuts.”
Blaze smiled. “There’s never a bad time for donuts. I put on a fresh pot of coffee if you’d like some.” She opened the fridge, more for something to do to calm her racing heart than to take inventory. She always knew what was inside, just like she knew what was in her heart. “I’ve also got milk, juice, seltzer, and beer.”
From her perch on a stool, Trinity grimaced. “Definitely not beer. Milk is good.”