by Lexi Blake
He wasn’t ever going to stop loving her, fucking her, being with her. He flexed his hips and thrust deep.
A sexy moan came from her mouth and he could feel the way her nails bit into his flesh. He would wear those marks proudly.
He leaned over, taking her mouth in a luxurious kiss. Their tongues tangled even as his hips kept up the pace, fucking her deep and hard and true. This was what sex was supposed to be when it was with the right person. It was true joining, and he felt more like himself than he ever had before.
Her silky heat surrounded him, making him forget about anything that had gone wrong before. This was what he should have done in the first place. He’d let insecurity and fear push them apart, but he’d been wrong. She was strong enough to handle anything the world threw at her, and she was definitely more than strong enough to handle him.
He twisted his pelvis, grinding down on her clit. He needed to make her come again because she felt too good. He wouldn’t last long. Later he would take his time. He would fuck her for hours, but this first time was a tidal wave threatening to crash over him any second.
He would happily drown in her, but he didn’t want to be alone.
He felt the moment her orgasm hit. She tightened around him, calling out his name and sending him over the edge with her.
He fell to the mattress beside her, his whole body flush with afterglow. That’s why it was called that. It went way beyond the mere sensations of his body. This had been far more than sex. It had been pure connection. When he’d been inside her, he was more himself than he’d ever been before.
Her arms wrapped around him as he shifted off her.
He could barely hear the sound of the music going on outside in the club. It was more of a thrum than true sound, and his heart seemed to find the beat, blood pulsing in a languid, happy fashion.
“I knew it would be good with you.” She whispered the words.
He felt his lips curl up in a satisfied smile. “I think we’re good together, baby. I think something like this doesn’t happen often and we need to make sure we honor it. I don’t want this to be our only time together.”
“I don’t want that either.”
Relief flooded through him and he shifted so he could hold her to his chest. “I’m glad. I know you want to take part of this slow.”
“Not this part. I think we should do a whole lot of this. All weekend long.”
He could handle that, but he wasn’t sure he could let her go for a couple of weeks. “Take me with you. This vacation you’re going on, take me with you. We don’t need to be apart. We need to spend time together getting to know each other as a couple.”
That’s what they were now. A couple. He wanted to make that clear to the world, but he was a little worried he needed to make it clear to her first.
“I have plans. I can’t change them,” she said.
“I’m not asking you to change them. I only want you to include me in them. Look, baby, you don’t have to do anything. Just send me the details and I’ll take care of it.” He still had an assistant, after all. She didn’t travel with him the way she would have when he was big-timing it, but she handled his travel needs and she was damn good at it. Whatever Sarah was planning, he would upgrade her trip. If she was going to a spa for some relaxation time, he would make sure she got first-class treatment. “I won’t intrude. I’ll just be there in case you need me. And I can keep you warm at night.”
Getting away with her would be the perfect way to cement their relationship.
She took a deep breath and shifted slightly as though she needed to put some space between them. “I don’t know that I can do that with you, Jared. I’m fine with spending the weekend with you, but then I need some time alone after.”
She sat up, turning away from him.
What the hell was going on? Moments before she’d been languid in his arms. He’d made her happy. He’d given her what she needed physically, and he couldn’t think of what he’d said wrong. Frustration welled. He was always fucking up with this one woman. He could have any other woman in the world eating out of the palm of his hand, but this one always slipped away from him.
“So this was about sex.” He should have known. He should have fucking known. All of his life he’d been treated like a prize to be won.
She didn’t turn his way but her head was high, her spine straight. “It can only be about sex.”
“So I’m good enough for a weekend? You’ll go off on this vacation of yours and screw whoever you like and then maybe I’ll be good enough for a few days if you come back and you’re horny? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes, Jared. I’m saying that.”
She wouldn’t even look at him when she was crushing him. That seemed the cruelest cut of all. She was done with him now that he’d serviced her. How many women had treated him like a commodity to be bought and sold? He’d gotten used to it, far too used to it. Men, women, they saw him as nothing but a good body and a pretty face. It was why he wanted out of the game in the first place.
But he hadn’t expected it from her.
His heart felt like it had twisted inside his body, an actual pain that nearly sent him to his knees. “You know my aunt whored me out to her friends when I was a kid. Well, eighteen, that is. Kai had gone into the Army and left me with her. She was supposed to take care of things because I was far too stupid to figure out how to handle what little money we had. She told me with a face like mine I could take care of us far better than Kai could. I was jealous and pissed that Kai had left. I wanted to prove myself to him.”
“Jared, you don’t have to say anything.” Finally a crack in her armor. Her voice hadn’t been steady.
He was more than happy to exploit that crack with the truth. “What? You don’t want to know? I thought you wanted to know everything about me. Was that another lie meant to get me in bed? I was stupid enough to actually think that first woman she sent me with just needed a date. I didn’t realize what an escort really was until I found myself in the back of a limo with that woman’s hand down my pants. I haven’t felt that ashamed of anything until this moment. I thought I would never feel that way again, but you managed it. The crazy thing is you told me what you wanted in the first place. You said you wanted to bag me and tell your friends about it. I hope I was good, Sarah. I hope I make a great story. Hell, you said we could have the rest of the weekend. Why the fuck not since I promise I’m never touching you again after I leave this time. You can find your own family. I’m taking mine back.”
Why should she get his brother when the only thing she’d wanted from him was sex?
“I think you should leave now. I won’t bother you again. I got what I wanted.”
He stopped, a million comebacks going through his head, but his brain was starting to work again. Somewhere through the pain and hurt, he was thinking of her.
This wasn’t Sarah. If Sarah had wanted sex and only sex, she would have told him that. His Sarah would have looked him straight in the eyes and explained everything to him. None of this made sense.
This…this was why she’d stopped calling him. This was why she was hiding from him.
“I can’t go.” He moved to her, not bothering with his clothes. He wasn’t going anywhere until he understood what was happening.
He stopped, staring at her because she was crying, tears coursing down her face. His anger fled in a heartbeat. His whole soul softened at the sight of her pain. “Baby, tell me what’s wrong. I’m sorry I got angry. You touched a sore spot. Please forgive me. I should have asked the right questions. Tell me what’s going on. No matter how bad it is, we can face it together.”
She shook her head, her hands fists at her sides as though she was holding in a greater pain.
He couldn’t even think of what would make her cry. Had she lied to him? Was she seeing someone? It wouldn’t matter as long as she chose him now. He wouldn’t hold it against her.
“Baby, are you going to see another man?�
� It was obvious she was aching inside. He shoved down his jealousy because her pain was far more important. If they needed to, he would call Kai and find a therapist for them. They would get through this. “It’s okay. We haven’t been together. You didn’t do anything wrong. Can you tell me if you’re in love with him?”
It made him physically ill, but he had to ask the question. He wouldn’t pull any more possessive bullshit on her. Now that he was actually thinking about her and not his own needs, he realized he would do almost anything to make this right.
“There isn’t another man.” She looked at him, those clear eyes sending a shockwave through him.
“What’s wrong? Please tell me. We can fix anything, Sarah. Look, I’m not going to hide behind walls with you. I’m going to be open and honest. I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have a family with you. I dream about seeing you pregnant. I think about how I’ll take care of you, how I’ll rub your feet and hold you while we wait for our baby. I want those things with you.”
She’d gone completely white, her face draining of color so quickly he was sure she would faint. But when he reached for her, she pushed his hands away. “Don’t touch me.”
What had he said? He stood when she did, barely managing to not fall back on his ass. She strode around him and grabbed one of the robes hanging on the closet door, another of Sanctum’s small luxuries.
“Sarah, what’s happening?”
She belted the robe and turned. “Nothing is happening between the two of us. I thought I could handle it, but I can’t. I’m not going on some vacation. I’m going to have surgery and at the end of it I won’t be able to have those children you want. So I need you to walk away from me now.”
The bottom dropped out of his stomach. “What are you talking about? What’s happened? What kind of surgery?”
His head was reeling. She was sick? She hadn’t told anyone because Kori would know if she had. Kori wouldn’t have been able to keep it from Kai, and Kai would have told him. Kai wouldn’t have kept Sarah’s illness from him. He knew his brother. He trusted Kai implicitly. So Sarah hadn’t said a word that something dangerous was happening to her, that something was happening to her body.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said, that righteous anger of hers seeming to vanish. “I need you to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”
He found there were things he couldn’t give her. “No. Tell me about the surgery. What’s happening? You seem fine. Why on earth would you keep this secret?”
“Maybe because I don’t want everyone looking at me the way you’re looking at me right now. I don’t need anyone’s pity.”
“I don’t pity you. I don’t understand enough to pity anyone but me right now.” He gripped her wrist, trying not to hurt her, but utterly unwilling to let her go. “Talk to me. Now.”
“It was the damn DNA test. That’s what did it. That stupid DNA test we both took. I opted for the one that included health information. My mom died of ovarian cancer and I thought it might be smart to just see if I had the gene. I tested positive. I saw a genetic counselor and an OB-GYN. They believe a proactive hysterectomy is the best course of action given that I have a strong history of cancer in my family line, so it stops with me. No kids. I’m not passing this on to a daughter who can hope for a life and get this shitty news. I lost my mom to this. I won’t force another kid to go through that. I’m not going to be a wife and mother. There’s a chance they get in there and I’ve already got cancer. I’m going to pray I’m alive next year, and that’s all I can handle right now, so let me go.”
“This is why you walked away from me?”
She proved she’d taken a self-defense class or two when she twisted her wrist and broke his hold. “I am not going to be your sweet wife and the mother to your two-point-five perfect children. I don’t get that life. Now you know. Let me go. I’m saying my safe word, Jared.”
He shook his head. “No. We’re not playing right now, and you don’t get to fucking safe word out on me. This is a serious discussion.”
She managed to get to the door and threw it open. “I’m leaving. Don’t follow me.”
Did she think he wouldn’t follow because he didn’t have pants on? He did not give a shit.
He started after her, but that was when she played her trump card.
“Deke, I’ve requested that Master Jared not follow me. I’m using my safe word. Red,” she said quietly.
The man named Deke sighed as he looked over. “You need to stay where you are. Should I call Ian? Did he do something wrong? Do we need to have a meeting?”
He wasn’t getting kicked out of here because she was being a coward. “She’s safe wording on me because she just told me there’s a high possibility that she’ll get cancer so she’s having a hysterectomy and she doesn’t want anyone to know. Apparently she doesn’t want to be surrounded by people who love her. She’s acting like…I don’t even know what to call it.”
Her eyes had gone wide. “How could you tell him?”
Anger warred with flat-out terror in his gut. “Because you don’t get to walk out on me like this. You don’t get to be a scared little girl and a stubborn-ass woman all at once. You can walk away now, but don’t you think for a second we’re done with this. You’ve got me in a corner, but I won’t stay there for long.”
“I told you, Jared. I told you why. Leave me be. I can’t give you what you want.”
“I’ve learned in life we don’t always get what we want, Princess, but I am a man who will fight like hell for what I need and that’s you.”
She turned and ran like the coward she was.
But it wouldn’t make a difference. Not one bit of difference.
He turned and slammed the door between them, then sat on the bed where he’d briefly been happy.
He didn’t get up again for a long time.
Chapter Ten
In which walls are torn down and women form plans… and the guys act like guys…
“Did you honestly believe you could hide this from me?”
She thought seriously about not opening the door. Kori stood outside the front door and it was bolted from the inside, so she couldn’t simply use her key to invade. But then Sarah realized if she could hear her bestie loud and clear then everyone else on the floor probably could, too.
Why hadn’t she bought Kori’s place when she’d had the chance? Kori had sold her little house when she and Kai had gotten married, but even the two-bedroom house had seemed too big for her at the time. She was only one person, after all, and she likely wouldn’t ever live with anyone else.
So she’d moved into her tiny apartment with thin walls and nosy neighbors who did not mind calling the authorities.
She should have known Jared would rat her out. He was angry with her.
Or he felt sorry for her. She noted he hadn’t called her during the night. There had been no pleading texts or messages from him. He’d gone silent and that was good.
But it was obvious Kori wasn’t about to be silent.
She pounded on the door. “Do you want to have this conversation here? I’ll do it. Let’s start by talking about your ovaries.”
She unbolted the door as fast as she could because Kori meant it. She would talk about ovaries and cervixes and anything she wanted to as loud as she liked. Kori had no fucks to give, but Sarah had to live here. “Come in.”
Kori stared at her for a moment. “Seriously? It’s eight o’clock in the morning and you already have on full makeup and perfectly done hair?”
Of course. She wasn’t an animal. She didn’t have a problem with those who took less care with their appearance, but it was important to her. It was soothing to put on makeup, and the full-length silk leopard-print gown with matching robe and kitten heels with faux fur were nothing more than her normal Saturday morning outfit.
She’d forced herself to do her makeup this morning because she’d thought it might be Jared she wouldn’t answer the door for. She’d half expected h
im to storm her gates last night, promising her none of it mattered and that he loved her for her.
He seemed to have figured out that she wasn’t a good bet, but then she’d known it. She simply hadn’t wanted for him to know it.
Kori’s hair was flying out in every direction and she wore a Sanctum T-shirt and what looked like pajama bottoms and flip-flops. Gideon and Lahki—who Kori referred to as her asshole chihuahua—were wagging their tails as Kori strode into the apartment.
She shut the door behind them. This was inevitable. She would have had to explain to Kori at some point in time why she had new scars. She wouldn’t be able to hide them at the club, and if she didn’t go back to Sanctum, there would be far more questions from her best friend.
How would she ever go back to Sanctum now that everyone would know? Maybe he’d only told Kori and Kai.
Well, and the dungeon monitor. Maybe he hadn’t said anything. The McKay-Taggart crew could be tight-lipped when they wanted to, even though their leader was the worst gossip of them all. He might view it as distasteful emotion and never mention it again.
This could still work. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I want this to be private.”
“You’re having major surgery and it’s private? I call complete bullshit. I had an ingrown toenail and you insisted on going to the salon with me to make sure they properly took care of it.”
She shrugged. “Infections are real things.”
“So is fucking cancer.”
Well, she wasn’t sure what to say to that. “I didn’t want you to worry. It might not be a problem at all. This is a proactive surgery. I’m having it done so I don’t have problems in the future.”
Kori stared and shook her head. “No. You don’t get to play that way. You don’t get to tell me you didn’t want me to worry. It’s my fucking job to worry. I don’t even understand this. Are we not the friends I thought we were? I sat up all night talking to Kai. I don’t understand.”
This was something else she’d wanted to avoid. Kai would shrink her to death over this. He would want to talk about feelings, and she wasn’t ready for that. She didn’t want to have any feelings about this. It was what it was, and there wasn’t anything she could do about it. She was numb and had been since that moment she’d realized her ideas about having a family were over before they’d even begun. She was barely thirty and she was going to go into menopause.