“Fine,” I said. Chloe had kissed boys; I’d have to kiss one too. I leaned over and kissed Todd. His tongue wiggled in my mouth. My mouth was dry. His tongue was scratchy. It was revolting.
Someone banged on the door of the closet.
“Time is up.”
I went straight to Chloe. She grinned at me, as if I had done something important and good; I laid my head on her shoulder. She let me do it. For a just a second, I felt her rest her hand on my head. I closed my eyes. The game seemed to have ended. Someone turned the music up loud, and Lisa Markman started to dance. She was the only one dancing, tall and sexy and repulsive, swaying to the music in her purple stiletto heels.
“What is wrong with her?” I said.
Chloe shrugged.
“I like her,” she said.
It was nice, being able to sit next to Chloe at the party with my head on her shoulder. I reached for her hand, but she pulled it away.
One day at school, right before English class, Chloe and Lisa Markman went to the bathroom together, and Chloe came out with short bangs. She sat at the desk next to me, and she smoothed her hair. I watched, stunned, as she put her books on the table, lined up her pencil next to the books, and smiled at the teacher. It was a substitute teacher. The bell rang.
“What did you do?” I said.
The substitute told me to be quiet.
“I can’t believe you,” I said to Chloe. I felt my eyes go wet. “Look at you.”
I could hear some of the girls giggling in the back of the classroom. The substitute teacher started taking attendance. She stopped when she got to our names.
“You are identical twins?” she said.
“Obviously,” I said to the teacher. “Are you stupid?”
Chloe bit her lip. Somebody in the back of the room laughed.
“You look terrible,” I said to Chloe. Tears started streaming down my face.
“Don’t,” Chloe whispered.
The substitute continued with her roll call.
“You can’t believe how bad you look,” I said.
Chloe handed me a tissue.
“Total psychopath,” Lisa Markman said. She was sitting at the desk directly behind Chloe. She was smirking, watching me cry.
I took the tissue and crumpled it into a ball.
I’d fight Lisa after school. The time had come. I didn’t care about her father. He’d get jail time if he came after me. He had an unfair height advantage.
“Is there a problem?” The substitute teacher was so stupid she did not see that Chloe’s bangs were the problem. She started passing out papers to people in the front row.
“What is this?” I said, scanning the paper. “A quiz?”
Chloe took her quiz and leaned over her desk. The quizzes hadn’t made it to the back of the room and she’d already started answering questions. Chloe’s forehead looked much too large with short bangs. Her eyes were bigger. Her head was bigger.
“You look really stupid,” I whispered.
The substitute teacher said “Shh.”
I looked down at the paper. I hadn’t done the assigned reading. Everyone else was peering down at the stupid sheet of paper, answering questions like trained circus animals.
I stood up and walked out of the room.
When the bell rang, I was standing there at the door. We’d made it to the end of the day. We got to go home. I waited for Chloe to come out of the classroom.
“Lisa asked me to go to the mall with her,” she said.
“Not the mall.”
“I said I would go.”
I hated the mall. The mall made me dizzy, made me want to smash in window displays. The music, the stores, the people, the women at the perfume counters spraying flowery smells before you could do anything about it. I stood with Chloe at the curb. It would be okay. I rubbed my back. We could get ice-cream cones with fancy toppings at the food court.
Lisa Markman came down the steps of the school. She headed straight toward us.
“What is she doing here?” Lisa said to Chloe.
“We’re going to the mall.” I shrugged the way Chloe would shrug.
Lisa looked at Chloe, and Chloe looked at Lisa.
“You hate the mall, Sue,” Chloe said.
“No,” I said. “I love it. Shop till you drop.”
“Hey, who invited who?” Lisa Markman grinned at me. “I asked Chloe to the mall. Chloe.”
“Chloe won’t go anywhere without me,” I said.
Chloe didn’t say anything.
Lisa Markman cut her arm through the air between us. “You are not Siamese,” she said. She pointed down the street to a black SUV heading toward us. “That’s our ride. You can get lost.”
I looked at Chloe. She ran her fingers through her hair. She had those horrible short bangs.
Lisa Markman opened the car door and climbed in.
“Let’s go,” I said to Chloe.
Chloe shrugged.
“Let’s go home,” I said. “Now.”
But Chloe got into the car; she closed the door behind her, and I couldn’t see her face through the tinted glass window. The driver pulled away, and I was left standing alone in front of the school.
Daisy loved me best, but sometimes she was a pain in the ass.
She was waiting for me at the door with a tennis ball in her mouth.
“Go away, Daisy,” I said. She dropped the ball by my feet.
I ignored her, going into the kitchen for something to eat. Not that I could eat anything. Not since Chloe had started consuming about six hundred calories a day. I took a bag of baby carrots from the fridge and threw them out the window.
“Fucking carrots,” I said.
Daisy barked for a while from the hallway, standing in front of the dropped tennis ball, but she finally picked it up and followed me into the kitchen. I looked at the big white dog. Wagging her tail, wanting to play. Chloe was at the mall with Lisa Markman. Daisy dropped the tennis ball back at my feet. I picked it up and put in my jacket pocket. Daisy started to whine.
“Shut up,” I said. “Shut up, you stupid, idiot dog.”
Daisy started to whimper. She put her tail behind her legs and lay down on the floor. I hated it when I was mean to Daisy. She was my love dog. My good girl. I gave her a dog biscuit. I knelt down next to her, scratching her beneath her neck, scratching hard the way she liked it.
“Better?” I said.
Daisy lay on the floor, and for a while I rubbed her belly. Then I got up and took a Häagen-Dazs bar from the freezer.
“The last thing I should do is eat this,” I said to Daisy.
She wagged her tail at me.
I knew I shouldn’t eat this ice cream. I could not get any fatter. There was too much for me to lose.
I sat at the kitchen table, eyes closed, loving my ice cream. I knew what came next. I had eaten a Snickers bar for lunch.
“Upstairs,” I said to Daisy.
Daisy jumped to her feet. I walked slowly, taking my time, but Daisy bounded past me, racing through the living room to the foot of the stairs. She waited for me, panting and wagging her tail. Daniel was sitting on the couch, practicing the guitar. Instead of playing an actual song, he kept repeating the same ugly chord. He was the worst guitar player I had ever heard.
“You sound awful,” I said.
“Thanks for your support,” he said.
I headed upstairs, Daisy racing ahead of me, going back down, jumping on me as we went up the stairs.
“Jesus Christ, dog. Calm down.”
I went into the bathroom. I slammed the door in Daisy’s face.
She barked at the door.
I sat on the floor in front of the toilet. I leaned my head into the bowl and stared at the gleaming porcelain. Chloe had bought a new bathroom product that kept the toilet water crystal clear; she’d recently complained that my mother did not keep the bathroom clean enough. My mother said she did not have the time, promising to hire a maid, but she had never gott
en around to it. Since then, Chloe cleaned the house. Sometimes, she went crazy with the cleaning products. My eyes watered. I was inhaling bleach.
Outside the door, Daisy continued to bark.
“I’ll kill you, Lisa Markman,” I said. The words made a funny little echo in the bowl. Somehow, that only made me feel worse. I’d get rid of Lisa and some other monster would come along.
I sat up, away from the toilet. I hated throwing up. I had to stop eating ice cream. Chloe never gave in to ice-cream bars. Chloe ate salad without dressing. Why would she go to the mall without me? Why didn’t she tell Lisa that she would never consider going anywhere without me? That she loved me more than anyone else in the world? Chloe knew how to say that. We used to tell each other every night before we went to sleep.
I leaned back against the bathroom wall. There was no hurry; I wouldn’t be any fatter in ten minutes.
Daisy scratched at the gap between the floor and the door with her paws. “Leave me alone, Daisy,” I yelled.
Even in the bathroom, I could hear Daniel’s lousy guitar playing. I stuck my finger down my throat, and out came smooth, solid chunks of chocolate coating. I stared at the steaming toilet bowl. When had I ever felt sadder than this?
Daisy jumped on the door. Barking and barking.
I opened the door, and Daisy jumped on me. Her paws landed hard on my chest.
“Damn it!”
I smacked Daisy on the head, hard, pushing her down. I kicked her. Daisy cowered, her eyes open wide. I couldn’t believe I had kicked my own dog. I got down on my knees and wrapped my arms around her. “I didn’t mean it,” I said, crying into her fur. “I didn’t mean it.” I petted Daisy and I hugged her. My mouth tasted like vomit. There was vomit on my chin.
“Daisy,” I said, breathing in her poodle fur.
Daniel stood at the top of the stairs, staring at me and the dog.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he said. He knelt on the floor next to me and pulled me away from Daisy.
“My God,” he said. “Look at you.”
“She was driving me crazy.” My leg was shaking. I wiped my face with my hand.
Daniel petted Daisy’s head. He scratched her under her chin until her tail thumped on the floor. We were all okay. Daisy was fine. I would stop throwing up. I would never hit her again.
“Why don’t you go wash your face?” Daniel said.
I nodded. I didn’t know he could be so nice. He stayed crouched on the floor, petting Daisy. In the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. It was Chloe’s face. Her eyes, her nose, her straight, even teeth. Chloe was television pretty. We should have been on TV. I touched my hair. My bangs were all wrong.
“How are you in there?” Daniel said.
“Can you cut hair?”
I knew Daniel couldn’t cut hair.
“I need to get my bangs cut,” I said. “Would you drive me to the mall?”
Daniel was trying to be nice. I knew he would take me. I could feel myself starting to breathe a little easier.
“Where is Chloe?” he said.
“The mall, I think.”
Daniel stood up from the floor. Daisy jumped to her feet. She was fine. Daisy. My good girl. “Why do you want to go, if Chloe went without you?” he said.
I shrugged. It was Chloe’s shrug.
“Come here, Daisy,” I said. But Daisy didn’t come. She was scared of me. I went to her, held out my hand, and she licked it.
“You are in for a world of pain,” Daniel said.
I nodded. Daniel didn’t know anything. I already was in a world of pain.
Daniel held up his car keys. “Let’s go,” he said. “I need a new shirt.”
“You need more than a shirt,” I said. I put my hand on my mouth. Daniel was going to take me to the mall and I insulted him anyway.
Daniel started downstairs, ignoring the last thing I’d said. “Dreams come true at the shopping mall,” he said. “Follow your dreams. Buy yourself a pair of leather pants.”
“I need to have short bangs,” I said.
Daniel jumped when the miniature volcano in front of the video arcade exploded.
“It’s not real,” I said. I knew about the volcano.
“When did this place turn into Vegas?”
I pointed to the clown in front of the fountain, handing out balloons.
Daniel wiped the palms of his hands against his pants.
“Do you want to buy some shirts?” I said.
“No,” Daniel said. “Not really. You wanted to get a haircut.”
The hairdresser at Sheer Beauty had a bad perm and frosted blond hair. She couldn’t be trusted. We kept walking. Three stores later, we passed another hair salon. I shook my head. I didn’t even look inside. I had never gotten my hair cut without Chloe. Either she cut it or she told the hairdresser how we were supposed to look.
“Look at that,” Daniel said, pointing to a mother with two redheaded boys in a stroller, both of them holding enormous plastic guns. One boy looked at us, held up his gun, and went “Pow.”
I held out my arms and stuck out my index fingers as if they were guns. I shot the little boys right back. Aimed at their foreheads.
“Nice kids,” Daniel said.
But mainly Daniel was quiet. I liked that. We walked by another hair salon.
“Why are we here?” he said.
I shrugged. I knew that he knew. I wasn’t going to tell him. Chloe wasn’t in the upper tier, or the lower tier. She wasn’t at the makeup counter at Macy’s.
“Let’s try the food court,” I said.
“You want more ice cream?”
I gave Daniel the finger. He laughed. We had never gone anywhere together before without being forced by our parents. Daniel was on his own, and I was an identical twin: blond, beautiful, golden. Maybe Daniel was lonely, but I couldn’t worry about him. All day long I had to watch over Chloe. I led Daniel into a shoe store where Chloe had once bought a pair of boots. She wasn’t there. A salesgirl walked our way.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
I backed us out quickly, my hand on my tattoo.
“Why do you always rub your back?” Daniel said.
I ignored the question, even though I sort of wanted to answer him. When I’d first thought of tattoos, I had this idea that everyone would see them. But instead the tattoos became our secret, and I liked it that way too. Maybe I liked it better. I walked ahead to the food court, walking faster and faster until I could hear Lisa Markman’s laugh.
“Hurry,” I said.
They were walking arm in arm on the other side of the food court. Chloe and Lisa and Melanie and Brittany.
“Ah, shit,” Daniel said. “I’m sorry, Sue.” He reached for my hand. “Why don’t we go home? Before they see us.”
They were giggling. They were giggling and licking double-scoop ice-cream cones. Chloe was eating forbidden calories without me. My mouth still tasted like vomit.
“Ice cream,” I said.
They came walking toward us. I would not go home. I was on a mission. Lisa Markman might seem like an attractive, happy teenage girl, but she was worse than a drug dealer or a child molester.
Daniel had his car keys in his hand. “Fuck, I hate the eighth grade.”
Chloe saw me. She hesitated, and then she waved. Her smile was fake. Lisa Markman saw me. She held up her arms and said loudly, so that everyone could hear over the piped-in music and the artificial waterfall: “You are not Siamese twins.”
“I hate you,” I said.
I didn’t know who I was talking to. It was Lisa Markman I hated, Lisa Markman who was ruining my world, but for some reason, I was looking straight at Chloe.
“It hurts how much I hate you,” I said.
I was going to cry. Chloe hated it when I cried. Daisy’s tennis ball was in my jacket pocket; I wrapped my fingers around it. They were getting closer with every step.
“Oh my God,” Lisa Markman said, drawing out the words. “I feel
so sorry for you, Chloe. I do. Having to share your life with a psychopath.”
Chloe shook her head, looking at me.
“Just until college,” she said.
She looked so pretty and terrible and strange with her bangs cut short. She couldn’t possibly mean what she said. Chloe would never go to college without me.
I drew the tennis ball from my pocket, aimed, threw. It was the best throw of my life: Lisa Markman, right between the eyes. Blood spurting from her nose. She held her hand to her face. She sat down on the floor of the food court. Now it was Lisa who was crying.
“I think you broke my nose,” she said.
I jumped up and down. I started to laugh.
Daniel sighed. “Oh, Sue,” he said.
I could move in closer, kick in Lisa’s teeth. That would feel good. She had big front teeth to match her big, ugly nose.
Chloe stared at me. She looked helpless standing there, the ice cream from her cone dripping down her fingers. Her eyes were open wide. They were so blue.
“Help,” Melanie screamed. “We need help.”
Chloe knelt next to Lisa. She put her arm around Lisa’s shoulder.
My legs were shaking.
“Can you get up?” she said.
Lisa shook her head. Her white tank top was covered in blood. I rocked back and forth on my feet. Daniel shook his head. “I think you have problems, little sister,” he said.
Daniel was my enemy too. He’d never liked me. He’d brought me to the mall because he wanted something horrible to happen to me. Chloe was still holding Lisa. In a TV movie, Chloe would have rushed over to comfort me. I was the one she should have loved most. She should have been petting my hair and telling me that everything would be all right.
“How could you do that?” Chloe said. “What is wrong with you?”
I turned and ran, ran out of the food court, and out of the mall, into the bright day. The faster I ran, the better I felt. My heart was racing. I lay on the hood of the car, waiting for Daniel. He would come soon, and he would take me home. Lisa Markman had gotten what she deserved. Sooner or later Chloe would have to understand. I’d make her figure it out. They were stupid girls, Lisa Markman and all of the rest of them. Chloe didn’t like them. She didn’t need them. She didn’t want them. I closed my eyes and listened to the traffic. I could feel the sun on my face.
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