by J. E. Parker
Then he shouldn’t have left me.
“He wouldn’t have wanted this for you. If he knew how sad you were, how much you still cry, he’d roll over in his grave.” I cringed at her words. I didn’t want to think about Ryker’s body lying in a cold grave. He wasn’t supposed to be there! “And I know you cry, Hope. I don’t have to see your tears to know they fall. A mother knows when her child is hurting.” Mama’s voice shook as she continued to speak. “And baby, you’ve experienced enough hurt to last a lifetime. It’s time to heal.”
I willed the tears clouding my vision not to fall. “I don’t know how”—I took a breath—“I try, I swear I do, but the smallest things remind me of him. I can’t look out my window or walk down the street without seeing something that makes me think of him. And when that happens, the pain comes roaring back, and my anger returns full force.” I tightened my fists, digging my nails into my palms. “It isn’t fair. He wasn’t supposed to die. He wasn’t supposed to leave me!”
Even though I was teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown, Mama remained calm. “I understand. But honey you had twenty-two good years with him. That was a long time.”
“It wasn’t long enough,” I snapped. Unable to keep the tears at bay any longer, I held the phone tight, and let my back slide down the front of the fridge until my bottom landed on the floor. “It wasn’t nearly enough.”
“Want to know what I think?” I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. The grief overwhelming me was making it hard to breathe much less talk. “I think it was just his time. I don’t pretend to understand it, but I believe your brother wasn’t meant to be on this earth long, Hope. He’d served his purpose, fulfilled his destiny, and now he’s in heaven with your daddy.”
Served this purpose? And what purpose was that?
Getting shot by some heartless man in the middle of a third world country?
“No.” Unbelieving her words, I shook my head. “It should’ve been me. Not Ry.”
“Hope Elizabeth Peterson!” Mama yelled. “Don’t you ever say that again.” Knowing they’d caused Mama pain, I regretted the words I’d said. “I can’t even think about losing you. I loved your brother with everything I had but you baby, you’re my little girl.” Breathing heavy, she continued, “And Ryker damn sure wouldn’t have survived losing you.”
“Ryker was stronger, Mama. He would’ve been fine.”
“No, he wouldn’t have!” She argued. “Losing you would have killed him.” I opened my mouth to respond, but Mama kept speaking, cutting me off. “No. We’re not doing this.” Working to steady her voice, she said, “I want you to get the plate I heard you stick in the microwave and I want you to sit down at the table. We’ve got a supper date, and we will not waste it by crying about things we can’t change.”
Unlike me, Mama was strong. She could control her emotions when needed.
I couldn’t.
Guess that’s one gene I didn’t inherit from her.
Unable to disobey, I stood from my place on the floor and made my way to the microwave. I pulled out my plate, placed it on the table, and plopped down in a chair
After putting my phone on speaker, I laid it down on the table. “I’m ready.”
“Good,” she replied, the sound of water running in the background. “Are you going to say the blessing, or am I?”
Knowing she wanted me to say it, I closed my eyes, bowed my head, and recited the blessing that Mama had taught Ry and me as soon as we could talk. “In a world where so many are hungry, may we eat this food with humble hearts. In a world where so many are lonely, may we share this kinship with joyful hearts. Amen.”
“Amen.” Her voice was lighter than before. “Now eat, baby.”
I steadied my nerves and forced myself to take a bite of the beef stew I’d cooked in the crockpot. It was Mama’s famous recipe and daddy’s favorite food.
If only he were here to eat it with us.
“How was work?” I asked, trying to steer my thoughts in a more positive direction and give Mama the normalcy she craved. “Did you have a good day?”
“Work was good. We had a two new intakes come in. Both are teenage runaways.”
Like me, Mama was a social worker. She was the entire reason I’d chosen my career path. After growing up and watching her manage the battered women’s shelter back home in Memphis, I wanted to be just like her. Over the years, I’d been fortunate enough to witness her save countless women and children from dangerous situations. In my mind, her actions had only reinforced the idea that she was an angel. Though, I doubted angels could be as ruthless as Mama. She was gentle as a butterfly most days, but she was fierce and unyielding when it came to protecting the most vulnerable amongst us.
Maybe I should refer to her as a superhero instead of an angel.
“Do you think the runaways will want you to go back home?”
“No,” her voice held a hint of anger. “And from what they told me, I doubt their families will want them back either. I haven't found out all the details yet, but from what I gathered they were both lucky to get out while they could. Both come from homes where drug use, among other things, was present.” Her words made me feel sick. I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone, much less teenagers, and children, being in situations where they could be harmed or hurt. “Anyway,” Mama said after a few seconds of silence. “How are things there?”
“Good.” A smile crossed my face. “Maddie was off today, but she brought baby Melody by to see everyone.” It was the highlight of my day. “I swear, Mama, Melody has got to be the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. She’s the perfect mixture of Hendrix and Maddie.”
Hendrix was Maddie’s husband and Shelby’s big brother. He was a fireman for Station 24 down the street from the Shelter. He was a good guy and a great father. I liked him a lot.
“Oh goodness!” Mama’s excited voice held a smile. “I can’t wait to see everyone in a few weeks when I come down for Shelby’s wedding. You better warn Maddie that when I get my hands on that sweet baby she may not get her back for a few days.”
I took a bite of stew. “I’ll make sure I tell her. She and Shelby are both excited to see you again.” Well, more like ecstatic. Everybody, including all the girls I worked with, loved Mama. And in return, she loved them. “And you’ll get to meet Keith, Maddie’s dad.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” A moment of silence passed before she asked the question I’d been dreading with every fiber of my being. “So, how are things with Evan?”
My fork clattered to my plate, and the food in my mouth turned to sawdust.
I’d known the question was coming.
Yet I still wasn’t prepared for it.
I leaned back in my chair and stared at the cream-colored wall across from me. “Everything is the same.”
It had been three years since Evan had shown up at the Shelter’s gate and held me tight against his chest as I shattered into a million pieces. It had also been three years since he’d shifted from the man I’d fallen in love with to a person I hardly recognized.
Now, emotionally unavailable and wearing a shell of armor thick as steel, he kept me at arm’s length. I tried every day to break down the walls he’d constructed around himself, but I couldn’t penetrate his barriers. No matter what I did, I couldn’t bust through the icy coldness that surrounded him. The scene that had played out minutes earlier was only a small example of how he’d changed and the distance he’d put between us.
It. Was. Driving. Me. CRAZY!
And although there were times, the smallest of seconds, when his eyes would flicker, and I’d glimpse a peek at the old Evan—my Evan—those moments were few and far between though.
But even though he pushed me away, he still wore my bracelet.
Even Shelby noticed that he still wears it.
Seeing the infinity symbol still secured around his wrist went a long way in giving me hope that things would change and that one day—even if it wasn’t today or tomorrow—Evan
would find his way back to me.
But what if he doesn’t?The voice in my head asked. What if he keeps pushing you away?
At the thought, anger and a lot of hurt nipped at the base of my spine.
Body trembling, I wrapped my fingers around the locket dangling from my neck for a moment before letting it go.
I stood and paced.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
“He promised me forever, Mama.” Gripping my hair with my free hand, I tugged on the long strands. I felt like I was half a second away from losing my godforsaken mind. Stuck on a constant emotional rollercoaster, my nerves, and head were a mess.
Slowly but surely, I’m going insane.
“I realize he’s hurt but so am I.” It was the truth. “I want to help him, I want to be there for him, but I can’t… I can’t keep doing this back-and-forth stuff. One minute he looks at me like he wants to kiss me and the next he's a complete jerk by telling me I have no common sense!"
“Hope, sugar pea—”
Acid burned the length of my throat. Feeling my stomach roll, I cut Mama off. “Mama, I need to go.” I didn’t want to get off the phone with her—she’s the anchor that keeps me stable—but I was moments away from getting sick. “I don’t feel so well.” My skin flushed as I took a step toward the bathroom. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I was about to puke. “Love you. Promise I’ll be fine.”
I didn’t wait for her to reply before hanging up.
I tossed my phone onto the sofa near the entrance to the kitchen and took off running down the hall. Once in the bathroom, I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and emptied what little I’d eaten into the bowl.
With nothing left in my body to throw up, I left the bathroom and headed to my bedroom. Lying in the center of my full-sized bed, I curled into a ball and let the tears I’d tried to hold back flow.
It wasn’t long before I cried myself to sleep.
Nine
Evan
It was after midnight when I made it back upstairs.
After unlocking the door to our apartment, I stepped inside.
The small space was quiet, nearly silent. The only sound to be heard came from the buzzing of the box fan next to Hope’s bed. After toeing off my boots, I moved through the space, turning off lights as I went. I paused in the kitchen when I saw a plate of food, most of it untouched, sitting on the table.
My stomach dropped at the sight.
“Damn it,” I whispered to myself. “She didn’t eat more than two bites.”
I clenched my jaw, flipped off the light and made my way down the hall toward the bedrooms. At the end, I veered right into Hope’s room, I moved across the floor as quietly as I could.
One look at her sleeping form and I wanted to shove my hand through a wall.
Her eyes were puffy, her cheeks red; tear tracks marred her face.
It was obvious she’d been crying.
I sat down on the bed, careful not to wake her. Placing my hand on the mattress beside her, I leaned down, bringing my chest to within inches of her side. Feeling my heart pound at her nearness, I inhaled her unique scent.
She remained still, unmoving.
Needing to touch her, even if it was just for a moment, I ran the tip of my finger down the side of her face. “Missed you, little bit.” Wanting to be closer, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her temple. My heart jumped at the small contact. “I’m sorry for the way I talked to you earlier.” And I was. My temper had a hair trigger and seeing Hope up on that fire escape about did me in. All I could see was her—or Shelby—falling and plummeting to their deaths. “You scared me. If something happened to you…” I inhaled and shook my head. “I can’t even think about it.”
I fought for control as I tucked my face into the side of her neck.
Please don’t wake up. I need a little longer.
Just a couple more seconds…
Feeling like I was dying a thousand deaths, I inhaled one last time before using every ounce of willpower I possessed to pull away. I didn’t go far, but my skin no longer touched hers. Agony sliced through me, cutting me deep. Every instinct I possessed screamed at me to pull her into my arms, to claim the woman my soul recognized as its mate, but I couldn’t do it. I’d already caused enough damage.
If you keep going, you’ll destroy what’s left of her heart.
Hope whimpered at the loss of my body heat. She turned her face toward me and sought the touch I’d denied us both. Despite being asleep, she’d sensed me next to her. Even after all the distance I’d put between us, my beautiful girl still knew when I was near.
If only things were different.
I ran my fingers through her long hair and whispered, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, baby.” Unable to stop myself, I kept touching her. “But I messed up, and now we’re both paying for it.”
Three years ago, I was so close to having everything with her. But then I’d fucked it up. I’d let my emotions get in the way, acted on impulse, and gotten Ryker killed. His death was one-hundred percent my fault. Nothing that anybody ever says will change that fact. And by making such a fatal mistake, I’d broken almost every promise I made her, crushing her heart, and destroying her soul.
All I’d wanted was to be her everything.
Instead, I’d become her downfall.
I’d never forgive myself for it.
Eyes still closed, Hope rolled over, bringing us face-to-face.
I froze.
Day after day I’d pushed her away, erecting wall after wall, so I had no idea what I’d say if she woke up and found me sitting on the edge of her mattress, running my fingers through her hair and watching her sleep.
It’s time to go.
With that thought, I leaned back, ready to stand up, when a flash of silver caught my eye. My gaze dropped to her cloth covered chest and landed on the locket I’d given her the same night she’d given me her heart.
A heart I’m responsible for breaking.
I turned my wrist over and glanced down at the infinity bracelet I still wore. I hadn’t taken it off since the day she secured it in place. Never planned to either.
Like my battered heart, it was a part of me.
It didn’t matter what happened between Hope and me. Far as I was concerned, she’d always be mine, and I’d always be hers.
Forever.
She tucked her hands under her pillow and parted her full lips the slightest bit. “Evan…”
I sucked in a breath at the sound of my name on her lips.
“Fuck me,” I hissed, running my hands down the side of my face. Being so close, yet not close enough was killing me. And looking down at the tear tracks still shining on Hope’s face, I knew I wasn’t alone. “I don’t know what to do, little bit.” My eyes slid closed. “I want you… I want you more than anything in this world, but I can’t have you.” I opened my eyes and stood. Clenching my hands into tight fists, I looked down at the girl who I’d loved since I was eighteen. “I promised you I’d protect Ry, and I promised you I’d bring him home.”
Anger and disgust boiled beneath my skin.
All the mistakes I’ve made, the pain I’ve caused…
“I broke both promises. I failed. And now he’s gone.” Shame washed over me causing cold beads of sweat to form along the length of my spine. “And if you knew how your brother died and what I’d done to cause it…” My voice trailed off. I couldn’t say the words.
Three years later and I still couldn’t confess my sins to her.
You’re a coward in addition to a failure.
My body shook as I leaned down and nuzzled the tip of my nose against her cheek.
Just one more touch.
Unable to resist her pull, I kissed her.
Her lips met mine, and for a moment I felt at peace.
A second later, I pulled back. “I know I should let you go but I can’t.” My lips were only inches from her ear. “I swore to take care of you, and th
at’s what I plan to do. Even if it’s not the way I envisioned it three years ago, you’re still mine to protect, to love, to care for.” The need to pull her into my arms grew with each second that passed. “Because despite the walls between us, you’re still the love of my life.”
Ten
Hope
I woke to the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Still wearing the same clothes as the day before, I rolled out of bed, and stumbled down the hall and into the living room. Without having brushed my hair, or my teeth, I was a walking mess.
I didn’t know if Evan was still asleep or if he’d even come home the night before, though, I could’ve sworn we’d talked about something.
Probably imagining it.
Eyes still half closed, I pulled open the apartment door.
My brows furrowed in confusion when I saw no one standing there.
I was only a second away from shrugging my shoulders and going back to bed when I heard a toddler-sized giggle. The sweet sound caused a smile to break out on my face.
I looked down and locked gazes with the cutest two-year-old ever.
“Lucca!” I squealed scooping him up into my arms. “What are you doing knocking on my door at”—I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall—“eight in the morning?” Trailing my fingers down his sensitive sides, I tickled him with a featherlight touch.
He laughed and jerked his little body from side to side. “Stop, Ho Ho! Stop!”
My fingers stilled.
I chuckled and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Where is your Mama, huh? Did she send you up here—”
“I’m right here,” Shelby replied, cutting me off. Walking up the hall, a huge, steaming cup of coffee in hand, she looked from me to Lucca. “He’s been begging to come see you all morning.”
“That’s because he loves his Aunt Ho Ho,” I replied kissing Lucca again.