by J. E. Parker
Evan’s brows rose in response. “Slow my roll?” He asked, perplexed.
She shrugged. “I heard Clara say it. Now it’s stuck in my head.”
He raised his chin and glared at her. “If nothing is wrong then why are you crying?”
“Girl problems.” It was the only information she offered. “But I’m fine.”
Shelby tapped me on the arm, drawing my attention. "Do you mind helping me this weekend?"
"Sure," I replied, forcing a smile. I was fully aware that Evan's was watching me. "But what do you need my help with?"
"Next Saturday is move-in day for Felix."
Crap! I’d forgotten.
You see, before Shelby met Anthony she lived in a rundown duplex in a rural part of the county that is well known for drugs and crime. Felix, a homeless Vietnam Vet, lived in a tent in the middle of the woods next to her house. When he and Shelby met, they clicked and struck up an instant friendship, however unlikely it may have been.
Shelby kept Felix’s clothes washed and food in his belly. In turn, he kept her yard picked up and sat outside her door at night to make sure no one messed with her or Lucca. When Shelby moved in with Anthony, she was forced to leave Felix behind.
But that didn’t last long.
After hounding him non-stop for the past few months, she'd convinced him to move into the apartment above her and Anthony's garage. She'd also helped him secure a job at the Shelter as a full-time custodian. He worked hard and did a fantastic job keeping the building and surrounding area clean.
"Of course, I'll help," I replied. "You know I love Felix." It was the truth. Felix had his problems—don't we all?—but he was a great guy, and I had yet to meet a person who didn't love him. And don't even get me started on how much the Shelter residents fawned over him. "What time do you want me to be at your house?"
Shelby narrowed her eyes and mulled over my question for a moment. "Is eight okay? I want to get started early."
I shook my head. "Yep, eight is fine with me."
Shelby's entire face lit up. "I knew I could count on my little muffin to help."
She winked before turning to Evan. "Are you going to bring her?"
I froze.
Now, wait a minute!
Shelby must've sensed the iciness that suddenly fell over me because she looked back at me. "Don't even try it. Maddie may play referee between you two, but I won't do it." I quirked a brow. "This avoiding each other crap y'all have going on isn't fixing a damn thing." Her eyes bounced between the big guy and me. "So quit it. Else I'll be forced to take alternative measures."
"Alternative measures?" I asked. "And what would those be?"
She shrugged. "Personally, I think we should just lock y'all in a room together and not let you come out until you get your shit worked out."
My mouth fell open. "You are not locking me in a room"—I pointed at Evan—"with him."
Evan's eyes narrowed. "Careful, little bit. You almost sound like you don’t like me."
My hand twitched with the urge to flip him off. "It's just the opposite. I think I like you a little too much."
You know, especially since I’m head over heels in love with you.
He clenched his jaw tight and crossed his arms over his chest. The move made his biceps and forearms bulge. It was an exquisite sight to see. "You care too much, huh?" Averting my gaze, I stared at the wall to my right. "Is that why you haven't spoken a word to me in almost five days?"
"Five days!" Shelby shrieked. "You have gotta be shitting me!"
"Nope," Evan replied. "It's been five damn days since she’s spoken to me. Trust me, I’ve fucking counted."
I huffed out an angry breath. The jackbutt made it sound like I was being a little brat who was ignoring him for no particular reason. That wasn't the case.
Was it?
"Ooooh no!" Shelby said, waving her hands in the air like a drunk disco dancer. "This has got to stop. Like, right the hell now."
I bit my bottom lip to keep from saying something like, it's none of your business.
"You," she said, pointing at Evan, "are taking the night off."
"And you," she said, pointing at me, "are not coming into work tomorrow."
My face dropped. "Excuse me?" I snapped, my head spinning. "You can't do that. You don't make the schedule."
And technically, I was Shelby’s boss.
Though I doubted she’d care if I brought that little fact to her attention.
Shelby smiled before pulling her phone out of her shorts pocket. "You're right, I don't." After tapping the screen a few times, she lifted it to her ear. Then, "Hey, Mad, it's me."
No, she didn't!
"Hope needs the day off tomorrow."
I reached for the phone. When she evaded my grab, I yelled, "No, I don't!"
"Maddie, listen," Shelby continued. "If she and Evan don't get their crap together, I’m going to kill them both." She paused before laughing. "I'll tell them."
She hung up and spun around. "Congrats, Hope, you have the day off tomorrow." She looked at Evan again. "And since you make the schedules for the security officers I assume you can find someone to fill in for you?"
Evan nodded once. "Won't be a problem."
Shelby clapped once. "Great, my work here is done." Turning to face me, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and pulled me in for a hug. Against my ear, she whispered, "I know you hate me right now, but one day you'll thank me. The man loves you, Hope. More than you'll ever know." My back stiffened at her words. "Make him grovel, make him beg, but at least give him a chance to fix everything. He deserves that much."
Without saying another word, she took a step back and waved at Evan and I both. "Now y'all have a good time tonight." Turning on her heel, she walked back up the hall. When she was twenty feet away, she spun around. "Just remember to use protection if you decide to do the vertical limbo." Smiling so big I was surprised her face didn't crack in half, she finished with, "Later, y'all."
With that, she disappeared around the corner.
Crazy, crazy, crazy. The woman is crazy!
I swallowed and looked up at Evan. His eyes were fixed on me, and a smile adorned his lips. For some unknown reason, the sight peed me right off. “Are you happy now?” I snapped. “Not only do you control my life but now you’ve got others doing it too.”
Every word I spoke was laced with venom.
It was so unlike me that hearing the words I’d said made my stomach roll.
Repulsed by my actions, I took a step back.
I love this man more than anything.
How can I speak to him that way?
Butthole or not, he doesn’t deserve it.
Evan extended a hand, reaching for me. “Hope,” his voice was strained; his tone guttural. “Don’t walk away from me.”
Feeling lightheaded, I looked at him with tear-filled eyes. “What’s happening to me?” Running my hands through my hair, I dug my fingers into my scalp. “I feel like I’m losing my mind. One minute I can’t stop crying and the next I’m so angry.” Another step back. “This isn’t me.” I shook my head and dropped my arms to my sides. “Or maybe it is.” A humorless laugh spilled from my lips. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“Hope—”
“I’m sorry,” I said, cutting him off. “I’m so sorry for everything, Evan.” Tears began to spill down my cheeks. “But I’m especially sorry for forcing you to make impossible promises.” I should’ve never made him do it. “I was just a stupid girl back then.”
And now I’m a broken, jaded woman.
“A stupid, stupid girl who believed in fairy tales and happily ever after.” Evan took a step forward, but I held up my hands, keeping the distance between us. “It was that girl that you promised forever too. But she’s gone now...”
Pain flashed across his face at my words.
“… Part of her died the day that she lost her brother.” My chest tightened as my lungs began to burn. “And the other part
of her died when a huge chunk of the man that she’d loved since she was a kid never came back from Iraq.”
“Hope, goddamn it.” Unable to stand the distance any longer, Evan made a grab for me, but I was too quick. “Don’t do this!”
I didn’t think to ask exactly what he wanted me to stop doing because the only thought racing through my head was, escape.
And that’s what I did.
Turning on my heel, I ran for the back stairs as fast as I could.
Thinking back, I can’t remember running up the stairs or bursting through my apartment door. The only thing that’s clear to me is running into the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind me. There, I leaned against the wall, gasping for breath.
My legs shook, my knees gave way.
Stomach churning, I slid to the ground in a pile of boneless flesh. Lying on my side, I pulled my knees into my belly and tucked my cold hands beneath my head. I closed my eyes and listened to the blaring silence that surrounded me.
Then, unable to hold myself together any longer, I allowed myself to break.
Eighteen
Evan
I forced myself not to chase after Hope.
It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.
Every cell in my body screamed for me to chase after her but I didn't. If I did, I’d only make things worse. Especially since the entire situation was my fault to begin with. I should've known better than to let Shelby back Hope into a corner—good intentions or not—but I let her do it anyway because I thought if Hope was forced to spend time with me I could fix things.
Obviously, I was wrong.
Very. Fucking. Wrong.
Seeing her cry and hearing her say she doesn’t know who she is anymore about did me in. Three years ago, Hope had been so full of life and yet I’d taken that away from her. Not only was I responsible for Ryker’s death—among others—but I was also responsible for extinguishing the light in a woman who used to be filled with it.
And knowing that was the worst punishment I could ever receive.
Feeling like a complete bastard, I ran down to the security room where I found Chris sitting behind the desk, watching the multiple monitors hanging on the wall. “Yo,” I said, drawing his attention from the screens. “I’ve got some stuff to handle upstairs. If anything develops radio me.”
Brows furrowed, he nodded once. “Got it.”
He looked like he wanted to say something else.
“Is Hope okay?” He nodded toward the screens. “I saw her run up the stairs. Looked like she was crying.”
“She’s fine,” I snapped back, annoyed at his concern. It was sick and twisted, but I was so territorial and possessive of Hope that just the thought of another man being concerned for her made my chest tighten in rage. It was irrational and ridiculous, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. “Just keep your eyes on the monitors and radio me if anything happens. If it stays quiet, I still want a status update every hour on the hour. Got it?”
His jaw ticked. “10-4, boss man.”
His pissy tone didn’t go unnoticed.
Choosing to ignore it—for the moment—I turned on my heel and jogged all the way upstairs to our apartment. When I opened the door, the sound of Hope vomiting reached my ears. “Motherfucker,” I growled, dropping my radio on the end table. Rushing down the hall, I wrapped my hand around the doorknob and tried to open the door.
But the door didn’t budge because it was locked.
“Hope,” I said, pounding against the thin wood. “Baby, open the door.”
The toilet flushed. “Go away, Evan,” she cried. “I don’t want to talk.”
Her voice was raw and laced with tears.
It broke my damn heart.
A thud echoed around me as I dropped my forehead against the door. “Hope, please,” I begged. “Just let me in.” When I didn’t hear her moving, I continued, “I swear I won’t say anything to upset you, but I need to see that you’re okay.”
She didn’t reply, but I heard her moving around.
I wasn’t sure what she was doing, but I heard the sink faucet turn on for a second before being shut off again. Then, the lock clunked as she disengaged it. I didn’t wait for her to open the door before I twisted the knob and pushed it open.
The moment I stepped into the small space, my eyes landed on her swollen red eyes. Her black hair hung in a tangled mess around her blotchy face. My stomach twisted at the sight. I hated seeing her like that. And knowing I caused it?
I couldn’t handle it.
Just like I couldn’t handle seeing another—much younger—female being hurt because of me.Memories threatened to evade at the thought. Luckily, I was able to push them back.
I clenched my hands into fists at my sides to keep from pulling Hope into my arms and looked down at her with agonized eyes. “I’m sorry.” How many times had I said those two words to her? A thousand? A million, maybe? “I should’ve told Shelby to shut the hell up.” Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have let her push you around like that. Fuck, I encouraged it. I shouldn’t have—”
“It’s okay, Ev,” she said, dropping her head forward. Her long hair formed a curtain around her face, blocking my view. I didn’t like that. Not one bit. “I know what you were trying to do.” My eyes met hers again.“I get it.”
But she didn’t.
She didn’t get it at all.
Shivering, Hope wrapped her arms around her body.
“You cold?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
Without thinking about what I was doing, I turned sideways and stepped past her to the shower. I reached my arm in and twisted the knobs, turning on the water. Within seconds, steam filled the small air-conditioned room.
When I turned back around, Hope was staring at me, a look of confusion on her face. “What are you doing?” She asked, her gaze bouncing from me to the running water.
Instead of answering her, I gripped the hem of her tank top. “Lift your arms.”
She thinned her lips into a straight line and shook her head. “Evan, I don’t think—”
“Hope, you’re so cold you’re shaking.” I steeled my features and pointed at her hair. “And your hair is a mess. I know how much you hate that, baby. I realize I’m a fucked up piece of shit but let me fix this. Please.”
She nibbled on her lower lip before raising her arms into the air. I slid her shirt off before dropping it to the ground by her feet. With no prompting from me, she kicked off her flip-flops and hooked her fingers into the side of her cotton shorts before slipping them down her smooth legs, leaving her in nothing but her panties and bra.
Both of which were dark blue and satin.
Don’t stare, I told myself. It’s not the time for that.
Peering at my clothed body, she asked, “What about you?”
I froze. “What about me?”
She averted her gaze before inhaling. “Are you…” She paused, hesitating. “… getting in with me?” Unable to speak, I blinked. And Hope being Hope, she took that as a bad sign. “Nevermind. I misunderstood what you were—”
Hell no. We’re not doing this.
Without giving myself a second to think about what I was doing, I toed off my boots, yanked off my socks, and pulled my shirt over my head.
Hope’s eyes dipped to my chest, followed my abs down.
The appreciative look etched across her face had all the blood in my body draining south. Wrong time or not, I couldn’t control my dick’s response to her unrelenting stare.
Get control of yourself, the voice in my head screamed.
“Little bit,” I said, chuckling. “You need to stop staring at me.”
She jerked her head up. “Why?”
I pointed at the front of my tented jeans. “Because if you don’t, I’m going to end up embarrassing us both.”
Her cheeks flamed red and her hand flew to her mouth. Wide-eyed, she jumped back. “Oh!” Her voice, along with her demeanor, ha
d done a one-eighty. “I didn’t realize. I mean”—she dropped her hand—"sorry.”
She didn’t sound sorry at all.
I shook my head, hooked my thumb over my shoulder and pointed at the shower. “Get in but leave your bra and panties on. If you take those off…” My voice faded.
Her eyes flashed. “Aren’t you going to take your pants off?”
I couldn’t take much more.
If she kept it up, I was going to pin her against the wall.
“Hope, baby, for Christ’s sake, show me some mercy and get in the shower.”
Tipping up one side of her mouth in a shy smile, she dipped her gaze to the floor and slid past me. Once she was in the shower, I heard her pop open the shampoo bottle.
“Hey, Ev,” she said, her voice timid. “Will you do me a favor?”
I glanced over my shoulder and saw her standing there, still wearing her bra and panties. “Name it.”
Her smile grew as she picked up my body wash from the shower ledge and held it up in the air. “Will you let me wash you?” Her gaze dipped to my jeans, and I swear to everything holy my heart stopped beating. “I mean, as much as I can, anyway.”
“You want to wash me?” I felt drunk.
Lust drunk.
She nodded. “Since you’re going to wash my hair, I figured it was only fair.”
“Fine. You can wash—”
I didn’t get to finish what I was about to say because my two-way radio crackled from the other room. I wasn't able to hear what Chris was saying, but it wasn’t time for him to check in yet. Therefore, I knew there was a problem downstairs. “Son of a bitch!” I cursed, my mood shifting.
It’s a sign. You’re letting her get too close. Push her back.
Pain splintered through my head as the demons that lived inside of me rose, taunting me with abandon. They were merciless in their attack, planting seeds of guilt that blossomed into full-blown regret. It made me angry and resentful, proving that once again I had zero control over my own damn thoughts and emotions.
I grabbed my shirt off the floor and slid it back on.
“Wash your hair, Hope. Then get out and go to bed.”
“I don’t understand.” Her voice was so low I barely heard her over the sound of the water hitting the shower walls. “Why are you—”