“I’ll try to make room for it,” he said.
But would he ever make room in his heart for her?
Is that what you want, Bella? For Noah to love you? The man is carrying a load of baggage. If he ever knew about loving anyone, somewhere along the way, he’s forgotten it all. Is that the kind of man you want to hang your feelings and hopes on?
Prompted by the questions going on in her head, Bella glanced over her shoulder at him. From where she stood, she couldn’t see his face. But the sight of his proud dark head and the strength of his broad shoulders was all it took to convince her that she wanted him in her life.
He insisted they could only be friends. But she had to believe that sooner rather than later, she could prove to him that they could be much, much more.
Chapter Five
Minutes later, after they’d finished the stew and Noah had helped her clear the table, Bella suggested they take dessert to the living room.
“My jeans and boots are too grimy for that,” he told her. “Let’s go out on the back porch. The night has probably cooled by now.”
“Sounds good to me,” she agreed. “I’ll put everything on a tray.”
Noah stood to one side, watching her dish up bowls of cobbler and fill two cups with coffee.
She did everything with a simple grace that was both charming and sexy and Noah couldn’t deny that being near her was like sitting in front of a warm fire on a cold night. It not only filled him with pleasure, it soothed the empty holes inside him. He’d never thought any woman could affect him that much. And especially not a woman like Bella, who was clearly cut from a better piece of cloth.
Noah figured he should be feeling guilty or stupid for accepting her invitation for supper. But he couldn’t. For the first time in years, he actually felt like smiling.
Seeing she was about to pick up the tray, he moved in and pushed her hands aside. The moment his fingers brushed against hers, she paused to look up at him and Noah’s gaze instantly dropped to her lips.
From the moment he’d walked up to her at the barn this evening, he’d been aching to kiss her, to find out for himself if all that passion he remembered had been real or exaggerated. But he couldn’t kiss her. He’d sworn they could only be friends. And for his sake and hers, he had to stick to his promise.
Clearing his throat, he said, “I’ll carry it. You get the door.”
With a faint nod, she stepped around him and headed to the door. Noah followed her onto the porch where she switched on a lamp near a long wicker couch.
A low coffee table was positioned in front of the couch so Noah placed the tray on it. A few steps away, Bella rubbed both hands up and down her upper arms. “It has gotten rather cool. I think I’d better go grab a sweater. Make yourself comfortable and I’ll be right back.”
She went into the house and Noah sat down on the far end of the couch. While he waited for her to return, he glanced around the long porch and suddenly found himself thinking back to another time when he’d sat on a ground level porch made of rock and gazed out at the rough, ragged hills of southern Arizona. He and Ward, the owner of the Verde Canyon Ranch, had often sat together in the late evenings, sipping coffee and talking over the day’s work.
The two men had always had plenty to talk about. With Verde Canyon covering several thousand acres, there’d always been something to be done, cattle to be tended, horses to be trained and fences to be mended. Verde Canyon. It was the only place he’d ever truly called home and he’d expected to live there until the day he died. But even the best-laid plans could be torn apart. Now he was just grateful that he’d found Jett and could make his home, such as it was, here on the J Bar S. At least here, his head wasn’t filled with dreams and hopes and plans. No, those had all died on the Verde. And that’s where they were buried.
“Sorry about that, Noah. You should’ve started without me.”
Bella’s voice interrupted his deep thoughts and he looked around to see her taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch. She’d wrapped a lacy shawl around her shoulders and loosened her ponytail. Now the dark waves settled around her shoulders like a silky cloud. His fingers itched to touch it, to lift it to his nose and breathe in the scent that was uniquely hers.
“I needed the extra time to let all that stew settle,” he said. “I honestly don’t know how I can hold another bite.”
With a soft laugh, she said, “Well, you don’t have to eat all the cobbler just to prove you like it.”
She handed him one of the dessert bowls, then placed a coffee mug where he could easily reach it.
“Thanks.”
He settled back and began to eat and Bella did the same.
After a long stretch of silence, she said, “The moon looks beautiful shining through the pines. The coyotes must like it. I can hear them howling down in the canyon.”
“I hear them, too. Another reason why you shouldn’t ride down there alone. You never know when you might run into a hungry pack of them.”
She shook her head as though she considered his warning far-fetched. “Have you always been so overly protective?”
Only about you, Bella. Even though the words whispered through his head, he managed to bite them back before they could pass his lips. “No. I was an adventurous kid, always picking up snakes and lizards. I’d roam the hills outside the little town where we lived. I was always hoping I’d find a herd of javelina or a mountain lion.”
“Did you go alone?”
He’d always been alone. At least, it had always felt that way to him. “Most of the time. My friends were too afraid of getting into trouble with their parents to go with me.”
Even though he wasn’t looking at her directly, he could feel her thoughtfully studying him. That was something different for Noah. The rare times he was with a woman she might look at him with amusement or even lust. But none ever studied him as though she was interested in the man beneath the surface. The notion that Bella saw him differently left him feeling restless and very vulnerable.
“Did your parents know where you were or what you were doing?” she asked.
His short laugh was a brittle, hollow sound. “They didn’t care. They were more concerned about fighting over money or booze, or the one junky car they owned.”
“I’m sorry. That must’ve been tough.”
Sometimes in the quiet of the night, Noah could still hear the yelling and banging, the threats and tears. Back then, no matter where he’d tried to hide in the house, the violent sounds would reach him. Now after all these years, he still couldn’t outrun the memories.
“It could’ve been worse. They never laid a mean hand on me.” He stared out at the pines and the patches of silvery moonlight on the ground. “As a very small boy, I can remember my mother being very loving to me. She made me feel wanted and protected. But something changed, I didn’t know what. Except that my parents had started fighting. After that, she began to push me away. Finally, she left and never came back.”
“Hmm. That’s odd that she didn’t take you with her when she left.”
Surprised by Bella’s comment, he looked over at her. “Why do you say that? It was obvious she didn’t want me around.”
She shook her head. “You don’t know that for sure. She clearly loved you once and a mother just doesn’t stop loving her child. And she sure doesn’t abandon it. She might have had emotional issues and figured you’d be better off without her. Or she could’ve been afraid. Your dad might have used you as a threat against her.”
“No. Mom wasn’t afraid for herself,” he reasoned. “She stood up to him like a bulldog terrier.”
She leaned forward and returned her bowl to the tray. “You don’t understand, Noah. I didn’t mean she was afraid for her own safety. I have the feeling she was trying to protect you. Believe me, in my line of work I see it all the time. Women make bad choices and then they become so afraid they make even worse choices. Your mother probably ran off because she didn’t know any other
way to handle the situation.”
Noah had never thought in those terms. As a teenager he’d carried around the bitter hurt of being abandoned and that feeling had never left. Now Bella expected him to see things in a different light.
A sardonic smile twisted his lips. “Do you always look at things through rosy glasses? I thought you had to be a hard-nosed cynic to be a lawyer.”
Chuckling, she touched a fingertip to her nose. “Oh, it doesn’t feel that hard to me,” she joked, then her expression turned serious. “Have you ever tried to locate your mother?”
A spot deep inside him squeezed so hard it caused his fingers to curl into his palms. “No. I don’t even know if she’s still alive.”
“I have connections,” she said. “I could make a search for you. No charge, of course.”
“Bella, think about what you’re asking,” he said gently. “I’ve been doing fine like I am. What would it accomplish if you found her?”
“Have you ever thought she might need you?”
Her question should’ve had him bursting out with laughter. The notion that Margo Crawford might need her son was certainly absurd. And yet Noah couldn’t feel any humor.
“No. I’ve never thought about it. And I don’t intend to.”
She seemed to accept his response because she didn’t say anything else on the matter. In fact, she didn’t say anything for a long time and Noah decided he didn’t like her silence. Even when she was saying things that provoked him into thinking and feeling things he’d rather forget, he still enjoyed the sound of her voice and the idea that she wanted to connect herself with him through conversation.
After several more moments stretched in silence, he said, “Your parents obviously had their differences. Did they do a lot of loud arguing—fighting?”
She shook her head. “Not at all. I know that sounds odd, but you have to understand that my dad was, and I’m sure still is, one of those gentle souls that wouldn’t raise his voice to anyone. Mom always said it was impossible to have an argument with Dad because he was always so kind and loving with her and us kids. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the memories of when our family was whole are very happy ones.”
“You’re lucky.”
“I know that, Noah. In my work, I see far too many torn families.”
Releasing a heavy breath, he looked away from her. “Yeah. I imagine you do.”
He finished the last of his coffee, then before he could talk himself into remaining with her for a few minutes longer, he rose to his feet.
“Thanks for the meal, Bella. It’s getting late, so I’ll say goodnight.”
She quickly got to her feet. “Just a minute and I’ll get your hat for you.”
Noah knew better than to follow her back into the kitchen. Not when he wanted to find any excuse to pull her into his arms.
He waited at the door of the screened-in porch, until she emerged from the kitchen, carrying his hat. With a quick thank-you, he took it from her and levered it low on his forehead.
“I’ll walk you to your truck,” she said as she tied the shawl she was wearing into a knot between her breasts.
“That isn’t necessary.”
“I never said it was.”
She moved past him, through the porch door and down the steps to leave Noah with no other choice but to follow.
As they walked along the footpath toward the barn, neither of them said anything and Noah could only wonder what she was thinking, wanting, feeling, and why any of that should matter to him.
Once they reached his truck, she stood no more than a step away and her flowery scent mingled with that of the nearby pines.
She said, “I’m glad you stopped to check on me, Noah. And I’m especially glad you decided to stay.”
His hand rested on the door handle, but he couldn’t bring himself to trip the latch. “I hadn’t planned on it,” he admitted.
“Why did you stay?” she asked.
His gaze left the shadows beyond her, to focus on her face. “I’m not exactly sure,” he muttered, then shook his head. “That’s not the truth. I stayed because I wanted to. Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I suppose.”
She frowned. “So you consider spending time with me punishment?”
“If I let myself get involved with you it will be. We both know nothing good could come of it. Our worlds don’t fit. We’d only end up hurting each other.”
She moved closer and he drew in a sharp breath as her palm came to rest against the middle of his chest.
“Why wouldn’t we fit together?” she asked softly. “I know what you are and you know what I am. There wouldn’t be any surprises.”
She made it sound so simple and tempting.
“Look, Bella, I’m not a family man,” he said huskily. “Hell, I wouldn’t know how to be. And that’s what you need. Not someone like me.”
She brought the other hand up to join the one already lying on his chest and Noah wondered how so much heat could radiate from her palms. Fire was flashing from his face all the way down to his groin.
“I need a man in my life before I can ever think about having a family,” she reasoned.
“I’m not that man. And I can’t ever be.”
She opened her mouth to contradict him, but he didn’t give her the chance.
He said, “All that stuff I told you tonight about my childhood, that’s only a part of my past.”
“Most everyone has things in their past they’re not proud of, Noah. Me included. It’s your future that I’m interested in.”
He grimaced. “God willing, my future life won’t look any different than it does right now.”
“So you always want to live alone? You don’t want a wife or children?”
“No. A wife and kids deserve someone who can give them love and devotion and make them happy. I can’t even make myself happy.”
She moved closer and Noah swallowed hard as the front of her body nestled itself against his.
“Perhaps that’s because you haven’t tried,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Like a single mound of sand trying to hold back an angry sea, the will to keep his hands off her suddenly crumbled. He wrapped them around her shoulders and pressed his fingers into her soft flesh.
“I’ve been trying to tell you, Bella, that we can only be friends. I’ve been trying to—”
“Reject me. Yes, that’s obvious.” She slid her hands upward until her fingers were touching the exposed flesh between the parted folds of his shirt. “But I don’t think you really want to do that.”
He reached out and gently traced his fingertip over the slant of her cheekbone. Her skin was as smooth as cream and he had no doubt it would taste just as rich.
His throat tightened as the urge to kiss her, make love to her began to tie his muscles into knots. “No. That’s not what I want to do, Bella. But then you already know what you’re doing to me. I imagine that makes you feel pretty damn good, doesn’t it? Knowing you can make a big man like me weak in the knees.”
Her eyes narrowed and then her head shook back and forth. “Why would you think such a thing? I have no desire to wield power over you. Or anyone else for that matter. That’s one of the reasons I like being a lawyer. Because I believe everyone should be on equal ground.”
“Well, in my case—”
“In your case, Noah, you’re thinking too much. Worrying too much. Why can’t you simply let yourself feel?”
“Because I’m feeling things that aren’t good for me.”
Slipping her arms around him, she nestled her cheek against the middle of his chest. The gesture of trust melted the cold chunk of reasoning inside him and without thinking, he stroked a hand over her dark hair.
A soft sigh slipped past her lips to mingle with the sound of the whispering pines. “After Marcus upended my world, I didn’t think I’d ever want another man. Instead of thinking forward, I kept thinking in the past and all that I’d lost.” She lifted her
head and looked up at him. “But I’m beginning to see how that mindset was cowardly and stupid. I want more for myself than just wishing and hoping that things could be different.”
“I’m not afraid, Bella. I’m practical.” And that sensible side of him had kept him very cautious around any woman he met. If by some miracle he ever decided to take a wife, she needed to be cut from the same tough rawhide as himself. Not delicate lace, like Bella.
She said, “Being practical has no connection to falling in love. I might get hurt all over again. But so be it. I have to try to reach for my hopes and dreams.”
Her words were like a battering ram, pounding at the door to his heart. Inch by inch he could feel the protective barrier caving and the fear that she might actually break through had him thrusting her gently away from him.
“Then you’d better go try to find all those dreams with another man,” he said roughly.
A crushed expression momentarily froze her features and then her jaw went firm and resolute.
“Yes, I think I should do just that.”
She turned and began walking back to the house. Noah stared after her, while telling himself he was doing the right thing. She would eventually find a good man to love. Yet even as he was struggling to convince himself, the image of some other man kissing her, holding her, making passionate love to her hit him like an avalanche.
Jealousy, or something much deeper, pushed him to go after her and in three long strides, his hand was on her shoulder, halting her steps.
“Noah, what—”
Whatever she was going to ask halted as he yanked her into his arms and brought his mouth down on hers. At first there was no response in her, but after one long second her lips parted and with a low groan, she flung her arms around his neck. Her reaction fueled the desperation and hunger that had gripped him from the moment she’d placed her hands on his chest and he crushed her body tight against his, while his tongue thrust past her teeth and into the warm cavern beyond.
Like a leaf sucked into a whirlwind, his senses spun in a vicious circle until he lost all thought. Nothing mattered but the pleasure that was pouring from his head to his toes, filling up every empty spot with soft, warm emotions he’d never felt before.
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