Bugger.
Nobody answered, so I figured my luck was holding out. I took the two steps backwards and turned away, ready to leg it to my car and get the hell out of there, when I heard the front door open.
‘Tink?’
Trapped in the no-man’s-land between my car and his house, I wavered, unsure whether to turn back or keep on walking. I’d been a fool to come here. Just hearing Jake’s voice had healed the cracks in my heart; that one word had already undone all of my good intentions. I wanted to see him—needed to see him—but then what? Go through the pain of leaving him again? Not that it was possible to leave a guy, when he didn’t even know you’d been together.
Get it over with.
I pasted a bright smile on my face and half twisted, looking at him from over my shoulder, but kept my feet pointed towards my car, ready to run for it. My first mistake: I should never have looked at him. Adonis himself stood in the doorway wearing nothing more than a pair of lightweight drawstring trousers. Drops of water collected on his smooth chest before running down to his belly button, the muscles rippling where he was running a towel over his wet hair.
Whoa!
The unspoken battle between Jake and Zac reigned on, Jake maintaining the edge over Zac again in my second semi-naked-hot-guy moment of the day. Tough. Zac was available, whereas Jake was just my friend, although, judging from the look on his face, he wasn’t even that any more. I couldn’t read the expression in his eyes. He didn’t usually block me out. Why put the shutters up now?
I swallowed.
‘Hey, Jake,’ I said, my throat tightening even more. ‘I just popped by to let you know I passed my test.’ I pointed at my car and waved my keys like a right idiot. ‘And to say thanks, of course, but I can see I’ve disturbed you, so I’ll get out of your way.’
Jake’s eyes narrowed to slits and set alarm bells ringing. ‘Actually, I was hoping to catch a word with you.’ He didn’t sound very happy about it, either. ‘Won’t you come in for a minute?’
‘I’m on my way to Flick’s actually. She’s expecting me.’ I didn’t lie very often, especially not to Jake, but he was acting really weird and, quite frankly, freaking me out.
He quirked his eyebrow at me and stared. I wouldn’t have believed me, either. ‘It’ll only take a minute, and then you can get back to … Flick …’ He paused. ‘Or whatever it is you do these days.’
My jaw plopped open and I swivelled to face him. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I asked, my voice sounding high and borderline squeaky. Surely he hadn’t heard I was going out with Zac already?
A hint of sneer settled on his lips; it didn’t belong there, this was all wrong. ‘Not out here, Lena.’
Lena? What happened to calling me Tink? And where had Jake the Jerk been dug up from? He hadn’t even congratulated me for chrissakes.
Jake took a few steps back, subconsciously summoning me, then he shrugged one shoulder and slunk off towards the back sitting room. The front door gaped open, waiting for me to follow him, like a good little girl.
Screw him.
I’d had my buttons pushed too many times for one day, and I’d had enough. I certainly didn’t need any more shit in my life, thank you very much. I was more than capable of getting myself caught up in the sticky brown stuff without Jake helping. My rage carried me all the way to my car and into the driving seat before the prickly tentacles of doubt crept in. What if it was a cry for help? Could I really turn my back on Jake and drive off into the sunset after all he’d done for me?
Yes!
I inserted my keys into the ignition and started to twist. The radio came on and the dashboard lights flashed up, blinking off one by one, except for the red battery light, which glowed at me, but damned if I could make my hand twist any further. Silence filled the car once more, aside from the sound of my ragged breaths and the grating, rasping noise of a key being withdrawn.
That’ll be a no, then …
Chapter Eighteen
CONFRONTATION
I flipped the release and elbowed the door open, closing it quietly behind me, then took a deep breath before retracing my steps to the front door and all the way inside. Jake had pulled on a dark T-shirt and disposed of the towel, now strewn over the back of an empty chair in the back sitting room. The guy himself occupied another chair, sitting at the table side on to me, with his laptop open in front of him.
A floorboard creaked, alerting Jake of my cautious approach, and he swivelled to face me. The temperature in the room plummeted as I looked deep into his eyes. My footsteps halted, my feet refusing to take another step into the lion’s den. I opened my mouth to ask him what was wrong, but he beat me to it.
‘You took your time. Pull up a seat, why don’t you?’
Gah!
Everything about him made me want to scream. I stayed right where I was, my fists clenched at my sides, ready to beat the living crap out of him.
‘No? Suit yourself,’ he said, his voice flat and devoid of any emotion at all. There was plenty of emotion in his eyes, though: a mixture of rage, confusion, sadness, disgust.
What the hell?
‘I was rather hoping you could explain this to me.’ He rotated the laptop so I could see his browser open on a social-network page, the one we all used, but then my focus zoomed in on what he was showing me. An image. I couldn’t make it out from the doorway, I was too far away, so I moved closer. ‘Because I have to say, it doesn’t look good.’
I regretted it instantly.
There on the screen was my college ID photo, my gurning face pasted alongside a list of names. Ignorance would have been so much better. Why hadn’t I just left when I’d had the chance?
‘No,’ I murmured, barely audible. ‘It can’t be …’
It bloody well is.
‘I recognise Gemma’s handiwork,’ continued Jake, ‘but maybe you’d like to tell me what Operation: Popping the Cherry is, seeing as you’re the star of the show.’
I didn’t stand a chance of getting an actual word past the rock in my throat, so I screwed my eyes shut against the horror and pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger.
This cannot be happening.
‘Do you want to know what is says?’
Jake ignored my rigorous shake of the head.
‘It says, “Valentina Bell—AKA Virginia—seeks hot guy for casual sex. Like and share to apply for the ‘position’ and get your name added to the shortlist …” You’re an internet sensation, Lena.’
I had to see it for myself to believe it, but there it was in all its glory. Exactly as Jake had said. A strangled noise escaped my mouth, as if I’d accidentally stood on a cat or a mouse or something. My heart and my stomach duelled, dancing the tango, until one sank faster than a lead balloon to my toes, while the other sent the remains of my cheese sandwich on a kamikaze escape mission. Malice had truly outdone herself, surpassing my wildest expectations.
‘Congratulations! I’d say you’re on course to go viral.’
What?
I tore my gaze from the image and looked at the interactions.
Shit.
In just two hours, the picture had been shared more than twelve hundred times, and had more than four thousand likes. I didn’t want to know what the comments said, but there were already hundreds. All those missed calls, the voicemails, the barrage of text messages—they all boiled down to this. I was a marked woman … girl … virgin.
Kill me now.
I’d never be able to go anywhere again. Maybe I should become a hermit, grow up to be one of those old women with houses full of cats. I’d prefer dogs, but they would need walking and that would be way too public. Jake stabbed a finger at the screen, then slowly drew his finger down the list of names. Disappointment and contempt rolled off him in waves.
‘I see Nathan’s name on here, even though he’s gay.’ Jake put emphasis on the word ‘gay’ for added effect. ‘And I see Liam’s name on here, even though he’s been goin
g out with his girlfriend for, like, three years now.’
Liam?
I couldn’t even remember who Liam was. He must have been one of the others’ suggestions. The metallic tang of blood filled my mouth and forced me to stop biting my cheek.
‘This … this thing.’ I waved a hand at the laptop. ‘It’s not what it looks like.’
‘No?’ Jake turned his fearsome gaze back on me. ‘So this isn’t your handwriting, then?’
‘That’s not what I meant.’
He watched the mental gymnastics taking place behind my eyes. ‘Then what did you mean?’
‘Argh, Jake,’ I groaned.
‘Nope. Wrong answer. Should I be glad or offended that my name’s not on the list, even though I’m straight and single. And, yes, I checked,’ he said in reply to my whimper. ‘So am I too lowly and uneducated for a college girl like you?’
‘What do you take me for?’ I snapped. ‘You could be a nuclear physicist with a string of degrees for all I care.’
‘Then why?’
‘Why what?’
‘Why isn’t my name on the goddamn list?’
Don’t you dare cry, Valentina Bell.
‘Go to hell, Jake.’
I should go. Get out of there. I didn’t need Jake’s approval, or his forgiveness, or anything at all for that matter. His opinion was of no consequence to me. None whatsoever. I should just walk out of there with my head held high. That would show him. I’d never have to share the same space with him ever again. It was none of his goddamn business what I did with my life, my body. Except this wasn’t Jake, not the Jake I knew and lov— er, really liked.
‘I’m already there,’ he said flatly.
‘Oh, Jake …’ My will to fight back wavered; it flickered like a candle, extinguished altogether by my heavy sigh. Instead of storming out, I took the two steps to the sofa and sank onto it, perching on the edge. ‘I’m having the craziest day of my life here, you might have noticed, if you’d stopped looking at me like I was a piece of dog shit you’d dragged in on your shoe.’ My voice wavered, reduced to a loud whisper. ‘I really don’t need you having a dig at me as well. OK?’
A tear escaped, so I covered my face with my trembling hands and tried to block out the entire world. Another tear followed, trickling over the inside of my hand and collecting in my palm, where I could easily capture it with my tongue. A quiet click told me Jake had closed the laptop, so I tensed, unsure what to expect next. If only I could force my stupid legs to work, then I could at least lock myself in the car before I had a breakdown. The sofa dipped as Jake sat beside me, far enough away not to be touching, but close enough for me to feel the heat coming off his skin.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, sounding genuine enough for me to relax a touch. ‘I’m being a judgemental idiot.’
‘Yeah, you are,’ I said, the words muffled by my hands.
‘And a complete jerk.’
‘Yeah, that too.’
Jake’s fingers wrapped around my wrists to lower my hands from my face. I was too stunned by the zap to put up any resistance.
‘The craziest day of your life, huh? That must be bad considering … well, you know.’
I shrugged.
‘So when did Oper— umm … it … when did it come about?’
‘Back to that again, then?’ I snatched my hands back from Jake and shuffled as far away from him as I could. ‘Before your birthday if you must know.’
‘What? But that was ages ago. Does that mean you’ve … you’re not a … it’s job done? Mission completed?’
‘No, Jake. I’m still a virgin,’ I said, dropping my hands and spitting out the word he seemed to be having so much trouble with.
‘You make it sound like a bad thing.’
‘Isn’t it? Everybody I know is at it. Off having sex, playing all lovey-dovey.’ My cheeks flamed but I pushed on. ‘I’m like the odd one out, the token freak, and I’m sick of it.’
‘And that’s why you came up with … it?’ he asked, keeping his voice calm even as the tic in his jaw jumped. ‘So you could be like everybody else?’
‘Well duh …’
‘But why do you want to be like everybody else anyway?’
‘Because …’ I hesitated, mulling over his words. ‘Because I just want to fit in. Is that really so bad?’
‘You tell me.’
‘Oh forget it. You’re a guy, you just don’t get it.’
‘Try me, Tink,’ he said.
Oh, so I was back to being ‘Tink’ again, then?
‘Are you still a virgin, Jake?’
His body jerked, and I heard the catch in his breath. Just when I thought he wasn’t going to answer, he swallowed and said, ‘No.’
‘No, I thought not. So you’re not really qualified to—’
‘But sometimes I wish I was.’
‘What?’ I gawked at him. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah, really, if I could go back and start over, I’d do it all so differently.’ Jake’s voice was laced with regret, and I had no choice but to believe him.
‘Why?’
‘I can barely remember my first time, I was too drunk. I didn’t even know her name. I let a girl use me and that was it. Gone. For ever. Instead of being something special, it was seedy and all I have to show for it is an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.’
‘Oh.’
‘And not only that, I was stupid. I knew nothing about her. It turned out this girl had a reputation for putting herself about. She’s put more than one guy I know in the STI clinic. I was smart enough to insist on a condom, at least, but even that isn’t foolproof. Just ask my mate. He wasn’t so lucky: he got the clap and a kid. I reckon Isabelle must be coming up three now.’
‘Ouch …’
‘Yeah. So don’t rush it, OK? Ask yourself if you could put up with the guy for the rest of your life.’ He ran his hand through his hair, then snared me in his gaze again. ‘And don’t sell yourself out. You’re worth much more than a quick shag with some opportunist prick.’
‘Er … thanks.’ Of all the things to get chewed out about by Jake, I never thought it would be my virginity. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the most, I reckoned I’d be at a nine for how freaked out I was. My heart was thudding against the walls of my chest and my legs had turned to jelly. ‘And, for your information, I didn’t “come up” with it.’
‘Well that’s something, I guess. At least you’re not going to go through with it anyway, this cherry-popping scheme.’ He said it as a statement, a fact.
‘What makes you so sure?’ I said, back on the defensive.
‘Come off it, Tink. Weeks on and you’re still a virgin, even though you could walk up to any guy you wanted and just—’ he snapped his fingers ‘—and they’d jump at the chance.’
Now he tells me.
‘Even if that were true—which it isn’t, by the way—maybe I don’t want just “any” guy.’
No, I’d been holding out for Jake like some love-struck fool. He’d had his chance, though. Now it was somebody else’s turn. Somebody like Zac, perhaps?
‘Good. I’m glad.’ Jake averted his eyes and stared down at his hands. ‘Tink, we’re friends, aren’t we?’
‘Yeah.’
‘We’ve certainly spent a lot of time together lately. You know you can trust me, right?’
‘Of course.’
‘Then why didn’t you come to me?’
‘Come to you for wha— Oh!’ Blind-sided, I hadn’t seen it coming at all. The air grew thin and the walls closed in on me. I’d never known it was possible to blush with your whole body until that moment. ‘Is that a rhetorical question?’
‘No.’
Argh! I wanted to scream but made do with the next closest sound. ‘Ah …’
Make that ten out of ten on the scale of freak.
Crunch time …
Tell him the truth: that his would have been the only name on the list if I’d had my way? Or tell him what I tho
ught he wanted, maybe even needed, to hear? His expression offered no clues as to what that was, so I had to go with my gut and hope for the best.
‘You said it yourself, Jake, we’re friends. Good friends …’ Nope, not convincing enough. I had to dig deeper. ‘And you’re Gemma’s brother—her big brother—which makes you more like a brother to me, too.’
Like hell it did.
A little piece of me died inside with each word but I was on too much of a roll to stop.
‘Right.’ Jake’s blue-green eyes clouded over, taking on the colour of the sea before a storm, before he blocked me out altogether by lowering his gaze.
A little piece of me died inside with each word but I was on too much of a roll to stop.
‘You’re going to be in my life for a long time to come, especially if you’re serious about letting me help with your house.’ A house I’d probably never see the inside of, judging from the barricade being thrown up around Jake. ‘We just don’t need to complication of sex hanging over us, making things awkward, do we?’
Jake’s only reply was to stare into me, not at me, as though he was trying to read my soul through my eyes. I couldn’t let him, he’d have seen too much, so I broke eye contact and looked away. ‘You’d have only laughed at me and said no anyway.’
‘You think?’
‘Well, wouldn’t you?’
Jake pushed up to standing. ‘I guess we’ll never know,’ he said, looking back down at me. He was as withdrawn as I’d ever seen him. ‘Didn’t you say Flick was expecting you?’
In other words, you’re dismissed.
‘Er … yeah, I did.’ Was it too late to throw myself at his feet and confess everything? ‘Thanks for reminding me.’
‘I’m sure you can see yourself out.’ Jake didn’t even say goodbye, he just left the room. His footsteps thundered up the stairs, then thumped overhead, before he closed his bedroom door closed with a little more force than necessary.
Omigod, what if I’d got it—got him—all wrong?
My head swam, awash with a maelstrom of addled thoughts as I tried to pick through the threads of conversation. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear Jake had just offered himself to me—and I’d turned him down.
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