“Come on,” Lance said. “I can see you sitting there. Don’t make me break in again,” he added.
As if he’d earned the right to be cute.
“Fine.” But when he saw her ugly, makeup-smeared eyes, he’d regret the threat. She’d always known makeup was a bad idea. What was the point anyway? A girl had to be able to cry without worrying she’d scare people away.
Keeping the blanket snug around her shoulders, she stood and plodded to the door, sneaking in a fortifying breath as she unlocked the deadbolt and opened it a crack. Just a crack.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted. “I shouldn’t have said that. I was upset. Surely you can understand that. He’s all I have…”
She shuffled out onto the porch so he couldn’t step foot in her house. If that happened she wouldn’t have the strength to make him leave. And she had to. She deserved more than this. The cycle of him losing his shit and apologizing to her. “I get that,” she said, forcing herself to look at him. “I know you love him.” Luis may be the only person in the world Lance loved. “But he doesn’t have to be all you have. That’s what you’ve chosen.” He chose that an hour ago when he took the one shot at her he knew would destroy her.
A look of desperation widened his eyes. “I won’t give up. I’m gonna make you forgive me.”
“That’s the thing, Lance,” she murmured through a sigh that admitted defeat. “I’ve already forgiven you.” She’d forgiven him the moment he’d said those words. Because she loved him. Once again she loved someone as hard as her heart knew how, but he didn’t love her back. And she couldn’t do that to herself. After Cam had walked out on her, she’d thought she needed to give up on men, dating, relationships…but that wasn’t true. She didn’t have to give up on every man. On every relationship. But she had to choose the ones that built her up. She had to be strong enough to hold out for someone who would love her the way she craved. And let’s face it…Lance didn’t love her. He loved that she made him feel better about himself. That she believed he could win this competition. But what would happen when there were no more competitions? When he no longer needed her to boost his confidence?
He stepped closer, gazing down into her eyes with so much emotion she had to look away. “Let me come in. Please,” he begged, brushing his hand across her arm as though he knew how much weight his touch held.
It did. One light touch from him ignited her. That’s why he couldn’t come in. She had no self-control when it came to Lance. If she let him in, he’d have her naked and in bed within five minutes, which would only make her love him and want him more. At some point she had to stop doing this to herself. She edged toward the door, gripping it for stability. “Here’s the thing,” she said, scrubbing the emotion from her voice. “I can’t keep loving someone more than they love me. It hurts too much.” There was no other way to say it. This whole thing with Lance had been more intense, more powerful, than any relationship she’d ever had. She felt it deeper and she had to protect herself.
He held her shoulders in her hands and forced her to face him. “I want to love you.”
“But you don’t.”
He sighed and let his arms fall to his sides. “I’m not sure how to yet.”
The admission purged her anger and gave sympathy room to grow. “It’s not something I can teach you,” she told him softly. “I always thought it was. Every relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ve tried.” But that wasn’t the way it worked. “Turns out, it’s not so easy. Turns out that it ends up only hurting me. I don’t have the energy for it anymore. I’m tired.” Of getting hurt, but maybe even more than that, she was tired of trying so hard.
“You don’t have to be the one to teach me,” he insisted. “I’ll learn it on my own. I’ll figure it out.”
She stepped backward, underneath the open door. Half inside her house and half outside. “It’s not something you figure out like some kind of puzzle.” It didn’t have to be so complicated. It wasn’t like passing a test or forcing yourself to work hard. “Love is something you choose. Every day. In the happy moments. But in the terrible moments, too. In the moments you’re so angry you want to hurt someone. You still choose love.” And he hadn’t.
“God.” The word came out through a tortured sigh. He lifted his hand to her face and drew her lips closer to his. “I want you so much it makes me hurt.” His lips brushed hers and held on, locking her in a passionate kiss.
A sigh gave her away and she wilted against him, letting him bring her arms around him and pull her close. Just once more.
“Jessa, I will make this up to you,” he uttered, kissing her mouth as though desperate to prove his words.
But a kiss wasn’t enough. Mind-blowing sex wasn’t enough. Him running to her when he needed comfort or confidence was not enough. Not for her.
She pushed him away and held him at arm’s length. “You need to go now.” Before it got any harder for her. Before she wasn’t able to do what she knew was best. “Good night, Lance,” she whispered.
Then she turned away and escaped into the house.
* * *
It wasn’t like Jessa didn’t have anyone. Surrounded by the light of her friends, the night didn’t seem so dark. Darla, Cassidy, and Naomi all sat around her in the living room, forming what had become their sacred circle. They each still wore expressions that ranged from outrage to shock to indignation based on her explanation of what had transpired with Lance.
She hadn’t held anything back—nope, the whole ugly truth was out there in the safest place possible. These women would guard it with their lives. When she’d put out the SOS text, they hadn’t asked why, they’d simply come over right away, toting along chocolate and wine and ice cream, even thought it was almost midnight.
Naomi hadn’t even bothered to change out of her pajamas. She’d simply gone over and asked Luis to sit at the house with Gracie while she ran an errand. Jessa imagined his eyebrows had gone up, but Naomi said he hadn’t asked any questions. Of course he hadn’t. That was Luis. He strictly minded his own business.
So they were here. All her best girls. And her amazing little piggy was perched comfortably on her lap. And you know what? That was enough. Who needed boys anyway?
“I can’t believe he said something so stupid,” Naomi fumed around a mouthful of intense dark.
“Oh, I can,” Darla cut in. “Lance has no clue when it comes to women. Or love.”
“Seems to run in the Cortez family blood,” Cassidy grumbled. Jessa didn’t know all of the history between her and Levi, but the woman didn’t exactly sing his praises.
“I don’t know,” Naomi murmured, looking down. “I always felt like Lucas understood me just fine.”
Jessa reached over Ilsa’s head and patted her friend’s hand. Seemed she wasn’t the only one hurting. Ever since Lucas had come back, Naomi had been subdued and sullen.
“I hope you told him where he could stuff his sorry-ass apology,” Darla muttered, pouring Jessa another glass of the good cab.
“I stayed pretty strong.” Much stronger than she’d ever imagined she could be. Of course, the confrontation had been pretty short. One more minute alone with him and she would’ve totally caved. “But I don’t trust myself to stay strong.”
“Of course you can,” Cassidy insisted valiantly. “You kept him out of your house. That was smart.”
“You got this,” Darla agreed.
Jessa withheld the story about getting in the car twice to go throw herself into his arms before they’d arrived. “The thing is, I don’t think I can stay away from him. So Ilsa and I are heading to Denver first thing in the morning. To spend the weekend with Mom.”
“You sure that’s a good idea?” Naomi asked, wide-eyed.
“Yes.” She’d thought it over and she didn’t have a choice. “She might say I told you so, but she’ll also take me out to dinner, and we can go shopping. Maybe even for a pedi and massage.” Her mother still loved to take care of her, no matter how pathetic she was. �
��She’ll love Ilsa,” she said, giving her girl a squeeze. “Besides, I don’t trust myself.” She had to get out of there for a while. At least until Lance left for Worlds. Then she wouldn’t have to see him, or accidentally run into him at the grocery store or the bar. She glanced at Cassidy. “Can you cover for me at the shelter tomorrow?”
“Of course. I can take more shifts, too. If you want to stay longer.”
“That’s okay. I don’t want to be gone too long.” She didn’t plan to put her life on hold this time.
If her many breakups had taught her anything, it was that she couldn’t sit and wallow.
Chapter Twenty-Five
He sure wished talking to a woman was as uncomplicated as talking to a bull. Wild Willy didn’t care what the hell you said to him as long as you fed him. Lance walked away from the corral. Last day of training before he left tonight and he didn’t even feel like being out there.
As he neared the fence, he noticed Levi hanging out waiting for him. Knots of tension pulled tight in his shoulders.
“So how’d things go with Jessa last night?” his brother asked, though he had to have some clue, given the fact that Lance couldn’t seem to focus.
Damn. He whipped out his bandanna and mopped his face. Levi would love this, knowing he’d struck out. “She told me to take a hike.” Not like he could deny it. Levi would find out soon enough anyway.
“Seriously?” he asked through a laugh. “What the hell did you say to her?”
“I don’t know.” Wasn’t like he’d scripted out anything eloquent. He sucked at talking. “I said sorry.”
“That’s it?”
Thinking back, his words did seem inadequate. He’d been so desperate, but he had no clue what to say to undo the damage. That was the worst part, that he’d hurt her. He’d caused her pain. It definitely sucked that she’d rejected him, but he could take it. What he couldn’t take was the deep sadness in her eyes. “I get why she wouldn’t hear me out. It’s fine. I just wish I knew how to make her feel better. Even if she never wants to see my face again…”
Levi whistled low. “Good thing I came back when I did.” Head shaking, he nailed Lance’s shoulder with his fist. “Come on.” Without an explanation, he trotted away.
“Where’re we going?” he called, jogging to keep up.
“To Jessa’s house, idiot. I’m gonna help you get her back.”
Oh, sure. Like it’d be that easy. “She seemed pretty serious about not wanting me around.” All night he’d stewed on the whole mess, trying to think up a way to fix it, and so far he had jack.
“Trust me.” Levi swaggered past his front porch. “Women only need to hear the right words. She’ll come around.”
As they were climbing into the truck, Lucas rode up on his mountain bike. He leaned it against the garage and sauntered over. “What’re you two up to?”
“We’re going to win Jessa back for Lance,” Levi said, turning the key in the ignition. “Wanna come?”
“Hell, yeah.” Lucas ripped off his helmet and tossed it into the yard. “I could use some entertainment today.”
“Great,” Lance muttered, reaching around to unlock the door for his brother. If he couldn’t even beg for her back when they were alone how was he supposed to do it in front of an audience?
Lucas climbed in and belted up, just in time, as Levi gunned the engine and they were skidding down the driveway. He’d always been a shitty driver. Not surprising, given the fact that Lance was the one who’d taught him.
“So what’s the plan?” Lance asked, hoping Levi could come up with something better than he had last night.
“The first thing you gotta do is admit you were wrong,” his youngest brother instructed, as if he were some kind of expert.
“Did that.” And it’d gotten him nowhere.
“But did you justify it?” Levi revved the truck out onto the highway. “Or did you just tell her you fucked up and you were sorry?”
He tried to think back. “I said, ‘I’m sorry, but—’”
“But?” Levi and Lucas said in unison.
His middle brother shook his head. “Man, even I know you never say ‘but’ after the word ‘sorry.’”
“Why didn’t I know that?”
“Because the women you’ve tended to surround yourself with don’t exactly expect apologies,” Levi said. “Jessa’s different.”
“Yeah. I’ve figured out that much.” As painful as it was to let his youngest brother give him advice, that’s the only thing that made this worth it. The fact that Jessa was special.
“Don’t worry. We’ll get her back. It’ll take some finesse, but I can help you out with that.”
Lance shared an amused, albeit irritated look with Lucas. “And you know this how?”
“I know women,” his brother bragged, in full swagger mode. “Trust me. When you see her, you take her hand, look into her eyes, and tell her you’re sorry. And that you love her.”
Wait. Love? “What?”
“Tell her you love her,” Levi repeated.
“But…” Did he love her? “I shouldn’t say it unless it’s true.”
“It’s true. You’re definitely in love with Jessa.” Levi glanced at Lucas in the rearview mirror as though searching for confirmation.
“Yep,” their brother agreed. “Definitely.”
He jerked his head to stare at Levi, the cocky prick. “How do you know I’m in love with her?”
“Because you care more about her than what you’re missing out on,” his brother pointed out. “You said you didn’t care that she’d rejected you. You only care about making her happy. That clearly means you’re in love.”
“Okay, Dr. Phil,” he mumbled.
“Lucas? Back me up?”
“I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I do see the way you look at Jessa.” Lucas stared out the window. “I recognize that look.”
Of course he would. He still got it every time he saw Naomi. “You ever sit down with Naomi? Go over any of the numbers?” Maybe have the conversation they both seemed too terrified to have?
“That’s difficult when she doesn’t want to be in the same room with me.”
“Yeah, I guess it would be.” The woman had definitely been avoiding him. “I’ll talk to her.”
“Not a lot of good that’ll do either one of us. I don’t belong in Topaz Falls anymore.” He said it like it was a fact.
Lance would have to keep working on that, too.
The truck bounced down Main Street, but instead of heading to the shelter, Levi took a fast left and parked in front of the KaBloom Flower Shop and Boutique.
Despite living here his whole life, Lance had never stepped foot in that store. “What’re we doing?”
Levi uttered a long-suffering sigh. “Getting flowers, dumbass. You can’t expect to get her back without flowers.”
“Really?” He eyed the shop windows.
“Come on.” Lucas put a hand on his shoulder and dragged him to the door.
Ten minutes and one bouquet of colorful wildflowers later, they pulled up at the shelter.
Nerves lit him up the same way they did before he got into the arena. “Her car’s not here.” Maybe he should come back later. Alone. So his brothers didn’t hear him sound like a fool.
“Let’s go in and see where she is,” Levi said, cutting the engine.
Since when was he the boss? Gathering up the bouquet, Lance got out of the truck and led the way inside.
Cassidy was sitting behind the reception desk. She looked up, but then turned to focus on a computer screen as though determined to ignore him.
“Hey,” he said, snagging her attention back to him.
“Can I help you with something?” she asked as though she’d never met him before.
Damn. She’d obviously heard what had happened. He tried not to let her glare ruffle him. “I need to talk to Jessa. Do you know where she is?”
She refused to look at him. “Of course I know whe
re she is.”
“But you’re not going to tell me.” That much was obvious. Jessa must’ve informed her little group what he’d said to her.
“Why would I tell you?” Cassidy asked with a chilly glance.
“Because I care about her?” Love. He loved her. Why did he find it so hard to say out loud?
“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes and went back to the computer screen. “Maybe you should call her,” she suggested.
“Right. Okay.” He retreated to the doors, ready to hightail it out of there, but Levi blocked him.
“Leave this to me,” he whispered, then nudged him out of the way and strode to the counter. “Hey there, Cass. How’s your mom?”
Her eyes narrowed into dangerous blue slits. “She’s not so good. But you wouldn’t know that, would you? You don’t exactly check in anymore.”
Whoa. Lance winced.
“Ouch,” Lucas whispered.
“Oh. Uh. Well…” Levi sputtered. “You know how it is out on the road.” The fact that Levi didn’t have her swooning under the power of his signature smile seemed to throw off his confidence.
Cassidy glared at him, hands stacked on her hips. “Yeah, I know how it is. No time for the people you knew before. So you’d better get going, Levi. Rush on back to that spotlight before it gets too dim.”
Lance hid a chuckle behind a hearty throat clearing. He wondered how long she’d been waiting to say that.
“Can you at least tell us when Jessa will be back?” Levi asked meekly.
“No,” she shot back without missing a beat. “I can’t.” Without another glance in his direction, she stood and stalked into the back room.
Levi turned to them, a stunned expression flattening his normally charismatic eyes.
They stepped out the door single file.
“Smooth,” Lucas said, giving their youngest brother a cheerful pat on the shoulder. “Real smooth.”
Levi sulked his way to the truck while Lance and Lucas laughed behind him.
“We can swing by the Chocolate Therapist,” Lucas suggested.
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