Fear Is Louder Than Words

by Linda S. Glaz

  “And what do you assume you know?” He inched forward and sneered at her immediate retreat.

  She curled her lip. “I now know where all the skeletons are buried. And there are oh, so many skeletons.”

  CHAPTER 76

  WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON, ED STOOD outside the hospital room ready to knock. John’s words stopped him.

  Peering in, he felt like an intruder.

  Frustration oozed from John’s voice. “But it’s my responsibility to keep you two safe. I didn’t do my job.”

  Donna ran her fingers over Cody’s back.

  Ed knew that in the scheme of things, there was nothing more important to John than his wife and son, but he understood the helplessness that must accompany the situation. How would he feel? What would he do if he had a child whose life was quickly slipping away? He turned aside and sighed.

  Donna had joined John, snuggling against his back. Maybe he should leave and come back.

  “Thank you, John.”

  “For what?” He whirled around and wrapped her in his arms.

  “For being my strength when I didn’t have any. For being the best father in the world.”

  “He still asleep?”

  “Yes.”

  Ed rapped at the door, and John invited him in. He saw relief replace the tension on his brother’s face. If only he could remove the black veil swirling through the room. But wasn’t that what he was doing by donating for the transplant?

  “Cody’s out. I’m glad your folks opted to stay put instead of coming to the hospital to visit,” Donna told him and John nodded.

  Cody whimpered in his sleep, and Donna moved to the crib, soothed him by rubbing his back with gentle, loving strokes.

  “Poor little guy.” With a sleight of hand, John held aloft the teddy bear Rochelle had sent. Blue and fuzzy with a huge bow wrapped around its neck. Innocence in a world gone mad. “Listen to this, you guys. The bear says a prayer.”

  “How cute is that?”

  Ed smiled. Typical for Rochelle to do something that sweet.

  Donna looked away but not before tears started to spill. “I’m so afraid, John. I’ve never been more frightened in my life.”

  “So am I, babe.” His lips brushed her forehead. “So am I.” He enclosed her in a long embrace. They stood, tangled together, until a buzzer sounded at the nurses’ station and reminded them they weren’t alone.

  “Ed,” John said.

  “How’s it going?”

  “It’s good,” John lied. Ed saw through it.

  Donna turned back to the crib.

  “Listen, Ed.” John drew nearer the doorway. “I was wondering. I have so many questions for you.”

  “Like?”

  “I don’t know, I’ve been questioning everything since Cody got sick. You know, the old no atheists in foxholes business.”

  “I hear ya.”

  “Do you have a minute?”

  “Sure.” Ed took the seat just inside the door, and John sat in the one next to him.

  “Well, Rochelle talks about needing more than just showing up on Sundays. You know what I’m saying? What if she’s right?” He rose to his feet again and shifted toward Cody’s crib. “I always thought since I’m a good person, I didn’t need to worry about all the rest.” He turned, hands out in a questioning position. “We weren’t exactly raised on piety.”

  Ed shook his head. The same way he’d felt. “What do you think?”

  “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you. Is being good enough? Rochelle says it isn’t.”

  Donna spun around with a funny expression on her face. “We are good people. We don’t cheat anyone. Why, I’ve even gone back to the store when I realized they gave me a quarter too much. We are good people, John.”

  He choked. “But what if that’s not enough, Donna? I’m a policeman for crying out loud. A good one with a sound mind and strong body. But I couldn’t prevent the horror that happened to our son. Have we been fooling ourselves?”

  “Fooling ourselves?” Her fingers pressed against his lips where she tried to stop his words. “Don’t say that.”

  Ed felt like a voyeur, this time catching a glimpse of their souls. How could he judge someone else when he was just beginning to understand his own faith?

  John pushed Donna’s hand away. “Don’t. We have to face reality. Being good isn’t it. I feel like somehow, we’re missing out on a very important facet of life. And I don’t know what it is.”

  “Honey, I can’t imagine a God who would turn away caring people, can you? Are you telling me if Ghandi didn’t accept Jesus Christ he’s not in heaven? Ghandi?”

  He shrugged. “Of course, you’re right. We’re honest and hardworking.”

  “That’s right, honey. We don’t even cheat on our taxes. How many of our friends can say that?”

  Ed checked his watch. If only being good was an answer, Donna and John would be at the head of God’s list.

  As he turned to leave, bells and whistles sounded—all from Cody’s bed.

  CHAPTER 77

  MAGGIE GRABBED THE PENCIL-THIN flashlight, the only one she could find, and pushing wide the narrow door at the end of the spare bedroom, she re-entered the attic for the third time. And for the third time, she wiped lint-caked spider webs from her sweaty face and damp hair. Hefty gray boxes of receipts and case studies lined the right wall where Erik had stacked them.

  Christmas decorations, suitcases, and remnants of their old home filled the loft. At last a red-labeled box flagged her attention in the far right corner by the attic fan. She slouched down to paw her way to the other side without cracking her head on the beams. Eight feet away, she recognized the handwriting on the side as that of Dr. Reinhold Eriksen, Erik’s illustrious father.

  These could be the boxes of information that back up her threats to Erik. His father’s records. The skeletons she’d bragged about knowing. Oh, that had to be.

  Stooping lower, she avoided stepping on dead crickets, spiders, and an occasional mouse dropping on her way to the cartons. Her gaze snagged on the cradle and she halted midway. Even her breathing stopped. She aimed the light beam onto the side of the cradle. Delicate flowers in an extravagant scroll shaped the word BABY.

  With stiff movements, she squatted lower and stretched out her hand to stroke the dusty letters. The finish was smooth—smooth as an infant’s behind. She had powdered Ricky’s sweet, sweet baby skin until he laughed and she cried. She closed her eyes.

  The memories of his beautiful smile and dimples carved into pink cheeks brought him to life. Silky black curls like her mother’s had filtered through her fingers a hundred times a day. Their favorite game, where did the curls come from?

  Her hands drew up until she could feel him in her arms, pressed against her breast where she nursed him and sang him to sleep night after joyful night. His bright blue eyes staring into hers, trusting her, believing in her to do the right thing for his life.

  Oh Ricky, I let you down.

  Her heart breaking, she reached again for the boxes of old records. She could make it all up to Ricky by finding out all the secrets behind Erik and his demonic father.

  CHAPTER 78

  LIFTED INTO THE TRUCK by Ed’s strong hands, Rochelle trembled but smiled; the evening had gone fairly well. When he circled the truck and opened the driver’s door, she fought to read past the frown on his face. Was he preoccupied with the surgery or had she been too forthcoming at dinner? He could bring it up if he chose. Or maybe she would mention it and allow him the opportunity to vent. For now, she snuggled into her huge corduroy jacket and peeked at him from the side.

  Jaw tight, he spoke. “There’s so much to talk about, don’t you think? I thought that baby was going to die right in front of me.”

  “I’m so sorry. But you say he’s fine?”

  “For now. Thank goodness we’re doing this right away.”

  She drew out of the comfort of the coat and sat up straighter. “Are you worried about tomor
row?”

  His elbow settled on the armrest between them, and his demeanor changed so suddenly. He grinned. “No, but Friday scares me to pieces.”

  She slapped at his arm. “You know what I mean, wise guy. You go into the hospital tomorrow even though the surgery isn’t until Friday.” She sobered. “Are you nervous? I mean, you can still change your mind.”

  Half of her wished he would. The selfish half, the I want you all to myself half, but Cody was the immediate concern and that meant an operation.

  Ed reached across and squeezed her shoulder. “I realize that. But I wouldn’t think of changing my mind. The little guy deserves a chance to live and the waiting lists are so long for donor organs. If only more people understood it doesn’t matter whether or not they have a kidney or liver when they enter heaven.”

  He set the key in the ignition and started the engine. With ease, he maneuvered into the street.

  He had her attention now. “What?”

  “If God has provided for a person’s entire life, He doesn’t need for the person to horde body parts at the end. He’s capable of supplying all of our needs, right?”

  She didn’t know how to respond. Was he telling her what she wanted to hear? “Is there something you’d like to share with me?”

  “Maybe. Here, mind if I pull over?” Not waiting for an answer, he guided the truck to the side of the road, parked, and took her hands in his.

  “Ed, what’s going on?”

  The sparkle in his eyes frightened her a little, but in a strangely good way.

  “You remember that dinner I told you I had with my folks a couple weeks ago? The Last Supper.”

  She sure did.

  “I wanted to cut them out of my life forever. Well, that was my gut reaction.”

  “You mentioned it. Why?”

  “I’ve just had this overwhelming feeling ever since that night that God wanted me. He’d be the father I didn’t have growing up. One I could trust.” He looked at the floor of the truck. “Probably sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But, it was as real a feeling as what I feel for you.”

  Her heart filled with happiness, and her fingers tingled from the warmth. She scooted over the seat and kissed his cheek. “Sorry. I’m at a loss for words. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

  “You don’t have to be sorry. In fact, you could kiss me again.” He lifted the armrest from between them. “I wouldn’t actually object.” His grin fanned the dimples. “Not really.”

  She didn’t move a second time, but her face grew warmer as his eyes bore down on her lips. Whew, it had been simpler when she thought of him as a brother.

  “I intended to tell you at dinner. The Tin Crab, remember? I had a lot of questions for you. I mean, I don’t know a lot about God. He’s always been something out there that I figured I wasn’t good enough to share.”

  She laughed so hard, tears came. “Yes. I remember. Our big night out for dinner. You do make for interesting conversation.”

  “Instead, here we are full of cheeseburgers and fries. Not much of a night out.”

  “But the chocolate malt made up for it.” The thought caused her to lick her lips and then he stared. Oh boy. “But what happened between you and your father? I saw you talking in the hospital the other day.”

  “He’s been hinting at reconciliation. I have hope. For the first time in my life, I have real hope. For my dad, for myself. I’ve changed, Rochelle. Ever since I met you.”

  She sensed a tremendous load had lifted. “What prompted all this?”

  “While we were talking, I kept hearing over and over again, ‘remember, he’s your father’ and the words dropped into my gut. Very strange, you know?”

  She pulled her legs up and curled against the seat.

  “I’m trying to get this right.” He shrugged. “Not sure what it all means.” He murmured the words with a wink and shifted as close as the seatbelt would allow. Finally, he unclipped the awkward restraint, drew her close, and encircled her with his arms. “I have you to thank for it.”

  She couldn’t stop the smile and practically whispered the words; she was so afraid of breaking the spell. “How did you ever keep this to yourself?”

  “It hasn’t been easy. I just want you to know, I’m not that same man I was in November.”

  I guess not. She laid her hand softly against his chest. She couldn’t think of one thing that would make her happier than this moment. “Something good comes out of every situation. I truly believe that. I’m so very thankful God sent you to the parking structure that night.”

  “Me, too.” He tilted her chin with his thumb, kissed the moisture from her cheek, and lowered his lips to hers.

  CHAPTER 79

  WITH RESOLVE MAGGIE HADN’T felt in years, she turned her back on her memories and pulled the carton closer. Seeing her father-in-law’s name on the box sent chills through her.

  What she couldn’t do with a drink. With a quivering sigh, she sat cross-legged before the box and took a deep breath. Anticipation pulsed in her temples. Her hands shook in her lap. She had to hurry before Erik got home.

  She laughed. He’d probably find an excuse to stay at the clinic tonight or wherever he and that woman went to be together.

  She inhaled a couple more times and pried off the lid. Her heart raced; the muscles in her throat constricted, but her mind cleared for the first time in oh, so long. Time to stop grieving and face reality.

  One by one, the reports unfolded, dog-eared and slightly faded. More than clear enough, she read a story so terrifying, no sane person would believe her. One account after another, the truth lifted from the pages. Case studies from the camp where he’d overseen the health of the prisoners. Overseen. What a stretch. How kind that made their work sound. And further down, more current reports.

  She clawed at the tears but couldn’t stop them. With fists that ripped the edges of the paper, Maggie finished devouring the final report which attested to the brief life. Now, in a peculiar turn of events, she almost wished she hadn’t found the carton. Ricky’s medical statistics had remained so methodically hidden from her and the rest of the world, perhaps for the best.

  If she exposed Erik, there could be an exhumation. That would rip her apart. And what would the medical community do with his little body?

  Deep down where she allowed no one to go, she regretted the fact she hadn’t insisted Erik give her all the particulars years ago. Rather, she’d turned inward and wallowed in her own brand of self-destruction. Well, no more. She might have lost out on the bright blue eyes, dimples, baby soft skin, and chubby warm arms to cuddle around her neck, but she wouldn’t waste another day of her life in regret.

  “He won’t get away with this.”

  CHAPTER 80

  NEXT MORNING WITH HER pre-recorded show all set for the day, Rochelle gazed around the office, grabbed the empty protein bar wrapper from her desk, and skipped out the door of the studio, her conscience clear. She’d prepared the broadcast outline for Bob Freeman so he could walk in after today and do live shows for the remainder of her absence without much effort.

  Outside, she buttoned her coat and leaned into the brisk wind as she headed toward the parking lot. If she hurried, she’d be able to pick up the toiletries Ed asked for and still arrive at the hospital before Dr. Norris swung by. He and Davis had plenty to talk with them about.

  Before she left the house that morning, Ed had called her and hinted he’d like to put in a couple hours of early ice time before checking in. And now she was running around for him to make that possible.

  With early Thursday traffic sparse as she approached Greater Mack Avenue, she stopped short. Unusually quiet for this time of day. She stared at the lot. Empty, much like the night…

  She labored for breath as she approached her car. With her knuckles white on the steering wheel, her heart slammed, and a clammy sweat dotted her forehead. Would she ever be able to come and go as she pleased? To be able to forget this place even existed. Forget the att
ack ever happened. But that wasn’t healthy. Wasn’t realistic. She had to move on. Not be an emotional cripple forever. He wasn’t here. He couldn’t be, but she reached over and locked all the doors—just in case.

  This is just a parking lot. A place to park cars. Not a secret place of horror.

  CHAPTER 81

  ERIK GRABBED TESSA BY the arm as she marched past his office, her nose tilted higher than a pug’s. “Where have you been?” He would make a few things clear today. The cat and mouse, not only at the clinic, but during their personal time, had become a labor of hate. “Marry me, marry me.” Her tiresome mantra echoed in his head.

  “You’re hurting me.”

  Her demeanor took on a dark presence, and he tightened his grip. “I’ve been waiting for the reports from the lab.”

  “I had things to do. Let go of my arm,” she said. “Let go of it, now. What’s wrong with you today?” She slapped at his hand and frowned when he stared at her over the top of his glasses, his grip still in place.

  “What’s wrong with me? You are what’s wrong with me.” He leaned in toward her ear and spoke barely above a whisper so she would have to listen closely. “You stroll in here late. Don’t you understand that doesn’t look good to the other employees?”

  Tessa wrestled against the iron fingers and lost. “I said … you are hurting me. And I don’t like it. And where did you stay last night? I know you didn’t go home. I heard you tell Margaret you had to stay late, not to look for you. Is there someone else?”

  He released her, but only momentarily. He forced himself to return to a strange sense of calm as if admonishing a small child while keeping a growing anger in check. “And that, my dear, is why we couldn’t be married. Your jealousy is too much. Furthermore, we have separate lives that need to be attended to. From now on, we will pretend we never happened.”