"I was actually thinking of someone closer to home."
"Oh. That’s fine with me—might even save you some money. But would I get to finish?"
Michael remembered the massage she gave him a few weeks ago. "I’m sure we can work something out."
"Like a normal couple."
He smiled, not because of anything at all except that she was still there. "I have something for you," he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring she’d left. "Give me your hand." She placed her left hand on the table, but he shook his head. "Your other hand."
She put out her right hand and let him slip the ring onto her finger. "It looks good on you," he said.
"It always did. The person who picked it out had surprisingly good taste. But you know, if you put it on this hand, it’s an engagement ring."
"I think I’ve heard of that custom." He smiled shyly. "So I guess that means that you’re engaged."
"Is that so?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
She looked at the pretty pink stones in the ring. "I don’t know—"
"Did I not agree to all of your conditions?"
"Well, I have one more."
"What?"
"I need to hear the request on bended knee."
"Right now?"
"I guess I was hoping for something a little bit more intimate."
"How about later?"
"Promises, promises." She didn’t need to tell him that she was happier than she’d been in a long, long time. "Just a minute though—I left something else at your house."
"You can’t have that back." Miranda’s eyes flashed. "Not yet, I mean. I’m having a copy made, so we can both have one. And I’ll keep mine in my wallet, just like all proud fathers."
"That sounds about right."
"She’s still sleeping, isn’t she?"
"She is."
"I think you should let her sleep at my house."
"I don’t have a car seat."
"Boy, these people are kind of high-maintenance, huh?"
"You still have a chance to back out."
He kissed her hand. "Never."
She squeezed his hand. "Gosh, I hope that brunch is going well."
CHAPTER 19
"You suck," Emily said as soon as Mitch turned up at the train station. "Do you want to tell me why you insisted on meeting me here?"
"Because I want to take the train."
"Mitchell, I know what you make at your firm. And I think you can afford to pay for parking."
Mitch nodded. "I can. But I want to take the train with you."
"Why?"
"Because it is just one of the many places I have wonderful memories of being with you."
She scowled and looked away. The longer she looked at his smile and green eyes, the sooner she might stop being angry with him.
The train arrived five minutes later. Mitch found a seat, but Emily sat across from him. Mitch got up and sat next to her. "It’s sort of rude not to sit next to me if we’re on a date."
"We’re not on a date. We’re going somewhere to have a conversation. Of course, it would have been easier if you had just told me where, but then you don’t like to do things the easy way, do you?"
"You’re the one making this hard, because as far as I’m concerned, the easy way is for us to go back to our place—"
"My place."
"Our place and talk about this in bed. If you wanted to talk."
"Who the Hell do you think you are?"
"I think I’m your husband, and I think you still like the idea of doing just that."
"Really?" Emily smiled. "I think you’re right—if this were three months ago. I would have loved to have done just that, but you always had twenty really good reasons at any one time not to."
"They weren’t good reasons. I had no idea how much you’d miss me."
Emily looked away. "Water under the bridge, Mitch. I don’t miss you now."
"Did anyone ever tell you what a lousy liar you are?"
"Mitch, where are we going? You said brunch, and frankly, I’m hungry. So you’d better have picked out a restaurant with really good food, or I’m heading to one by myself, and then I’m going home."
"It’s a good restaurant," but that’s all Mitch would say.
They got off at Park and then switched to the Red Line. "Hungrier now," Emily said. "And getting cold."
"I can always warm you up."
"I’d better be able to get hot chocolate," Emily frowned. "Did you forget about the whole vegan thing?"
"There are vegan options where we’re going."
"Is it at least a vegetarian place?"
"There are vegetarian options too."
"Oh, God."
Thirty-five minutes later, Emily’s eyes popped. "Bartley’s Burgers?!?"
"They have veggie burgers," Mitch said calmly.
"They’re a burger joint."
"I think you like this place better than you want to admit."
"Oh be quiet."
"Didn’t you tell me how you used to come here when you were a kid in high school? After you scraped together enough money?"
"Now I’ve got the money, I guess, but it’s just not me anymore."
"I don’t think that’s entirely true." Mitch batted his eyelashes, and even she couldn’t stop herself from laughing. "I promise, this can be our little secret."
"One more thing I would have appreciated a while ago, but now—"
"You shouldn’t say no so easily, Em. Maybe sometimes you have to, but it shouldn’t be a habit. At least not one you enjoy."
She looked at the restaurant sign, then at him. "It’s just the only thing I can be sure I’ll always be able to do."
"Congratulations. But I think you should practice saying yes."
"I bet."
"Doesn’t yes feel much better than no sometimes?"
"When was the last time you tried no, Mitch?"
He looked hurt. "When I had to come up with all those reasons not to lie in bed with my wife. When I had to ask my parents to take my little girl for the weekend so I could work. When I have to trek back to my friend’s apartment and not go home to you. A lot more than I’ve wanted to."
Emily looked away. "Fine Mitch. I’m sure they have...avocado or something."
They ordered veggie burgers, French fries, onion rings, and sodas. Emily smiled as she sipped on her lime rickey. "Promise you won’t tell Hellie, okay?"
"Not a word. You can trust me."
"If you say so."
"Tell me about Ari."
Emily frowned. "You mean my potential business associate?"
"I mean the guy you kissed goodnight on Halloween."
"I didn’t kiss anybody," Emily said indignantly. "But yes, I let him kiss my hand. Just as I have let Richard and Martin kiss me on the cheek many times since we’ve been married."
"Martin, I’ve always been cool with."
"Do not start your b.s. about Richard again, okay?"
"Richard, I am finally okay with."
"There’s something."
"But I’m not okay with you going halfway around the world with either of them for an extended period of time."
"Isn’t it fortunate then that Miranda will be traveling with me? That and, oh yeah, I’m going on business."
"What does Ari look like?"
Emily sighed. "Mister Schonenfeld is, I believe, about thirty. He is about six-feet-three. He is in very good shape and is built, roughly, like a tree. He has reddish blond hair, a tan and blue eyes. That, and a deep voice and a very appealing Hebrew accent." She watched Mitch simmer, then waited until the food arrived before she said anything else. "And other than the fact that he seemed to be interested in pretty much everything I had to say, I am really not attracted to him."
"You just described some kind of Israeli god—who wanted to hear everything you had to say. I should believe you’re not attracted to him because...?"
"Because I’m not the liar here."
"Why is it so hard for you to accept that I don’t want to screw every gorgeous guy I meet? Projecting, Mitch?"
"You’re mad at me—with good reason. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to think that you might want to get back at me by hooking up with someone who was gorgeous, available and seemed to be interested."
Emily took a bite out of her burger. It was good. "Okay, you caught me." Mitch stiffened. "Yes, the thought has crossed my mind. Many times. Wouldn’t one—or a few—what should we call them?—screws? lays? hookups?"
"I get the point," Mitch said through gritted teeth.
"Wouldn’t that make me feel a little better?" She looked at Mitch as if she were waiting for an answer. "Is that what you really think?"
"Sometimes I can’t think of anything else."
"Then you just don’t know me very well," Emily shrugged. "And that shouldn’t be a surprise."
Mitch thought he should feel relieved, but he didn’t. "Why not?"
"Because I don’t want just sex. I want—" She looked up and smiled, then leaned forward. "I want a lover. I want someone who adores me. I want someone who wants me." She pushed back. "I miss being held. I miss being touched. But honestly, I miss being loved a lot more. And I’ve missed it for much longer."
"I do love you."
"Not enough," Emily said. "Do you know how gross it is to work with Michael Abbot every day? No, I bet you don’t. But you know what makes it worse? Looking at Miranda and envying her. Being jealous because someone—even someone as repulsive as Michael—looks at her like she is the best thing in the world. He’d never make her feel like she wasn’t good enough. I guess that’s a benefit of having such bad taste."
"I love you more than Michael will ever be able to love Miranda."
"I don’t think so."
"Do you know what my happiest memory is?"
"The day Hellie was born?"
Mitch smiled. "Okay, my second happiest memory?"
"I have no idea."
"The first date we ever had. You pretty much destroyed my knee, but I didn’t care. I would have gone anywhere you wanted, and I would have done anything you wanted. I always felt like I should have made love to you that night, and then everything would have been different. And maybe it would have been, but I’m still glad I didn’t. Because I didn’t fall in love with you in bed—"
"Like you did with her."
"I didn’t love Kyra. I tried to, but I never did. Because I was in love with you. And I fell in love with you when I heard you talk, and when you talked to me. I fell in love with you when you laughed, whether it was something I did or said. I fell in love with you because of everything about you."
"You know, I finally got, or at least accepted, why you left the way you did. But I can’t forgive you for what you did after we were married."
"I... Em, if I could take back those three months, I would, just like that. If I could go back and tell myself that there was nothing in Ireland that I could have that I couldn’t have with you, I would. If I could tell that idiot, b.s. kid that I was then, that you were worth staying for and giving up some stupid dream for, I would. Because it hurt me much more than you can imagine to be away from you."
"I would have let you go, Mitch. You should know that by now. I would have trusted you, even if I’d met her." She shook her head. "And I would have been mistaken, because you weren’t the only b.s. kid back then."
"You would not," he said quietly, "have been mistaken."
Emily sighed. "Maybe not. But it doesn’t really matter now, does it? Because we’re married, we have Hellie, and you still couldn’t stay away from her."
"It’s not like that."
"Then what, Mitchell, is it like?"
"If I answer, Em, do you promise that you won’t get up and leave?"
"No."
"You have to honey. Because it’s important, but it’s going to hurt. Me and you. But you have to listen, so you know." He looked down at his burger, which he didn’t want anymore. "And if you still don’t want to be with me when I’m done, I’m not going to get in your way."
Emily felt cold, even more so than she had in the past few weeks. "Fine."
Mitch looked up. There were tears in his eyes. "Thank you." He wiped his eyes. "I have never been good enough for you, except for maybe the first night I met you. And you were—you were so beautiful and smart and funny. I thought, why would this gorgeous girl talk to me like this? Why would she look at me like that? And then I realized that you were thinking I was pretty great too. So I let myself be. I didn’t think about Ireland, I didn’t think about your age. I just thought that you were someone I wanted to be around," he sighed. "But then you got out of my car and that was all I could think about. I’m too old for you, I have to leave. I shouldn’t do this. And that’s the worst part because the next night I did. I came to see you—no, even before that. I went out of my way to look good for you, to make you think I was handsome. To make you want me more. And you—when we were in that café, I could tell you were checking me out. I wanted you to, I let you. I knew the whole time that I shouldn’t. But I did.
"I stayed with you that whole night. I could have taken you home. I could have gone home. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to be with you. I was falling in love with you, and worse, I could feel that you were falling in love with me. And I let you. I thought I was wrong and selfish, but I did. I thought I should tell you the truth, give you a chance to dial down. But I didn’t want to. I wanted you to love me."
Their eyes didn’t waver as they looked at each other. "I really did want to see you again, Em. But I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to leave. I thought that I could still choose whether or not I was going to be in love with you. I didn’t realize the damage had been done.
"I was happy when I met Kyra. She was gorgeous, and she was available. Very. And I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wasn’t going to have to ever worry about making a hard choice again, because I was making it that night. I didn’t call you, I didn’t say I was sorry. I wasn’t. I wanted you to hate me, because then I wouldn’t have a choice."
"Congratulations on getting what you wanted," Emily spat.
"I was an idiot, and I told you. You think I stayed with her because she was some kind of sex goddess? She was available, and that’s always nice. But I stayed with her because she was the only person I was good enough for. It wasn’t until she pushed the bounds of ridiculous that I stopped lying to myself. I didn’t want to be with her. I didn’t let her pull that crap because I was so in love with her. I let her pull it because I didn’t care."
He smiled, and Emily looked away. "Then, somehow, I ended up with you. You loved me, and you knew I loved you. And we couldn’t pretend anymore. And I was happy. I was finally being the man I was the night I met you, I was finally being the guy who deserved you. And you took me. Do you remember how happy we were?"
"It was a lot of sex, Mitch."
"It was more than that," he said gently. "You know it. We were each other’s world, and it was wonderful."
"But not enough."
"I wasn’t lying to you. When I ran into her, it wasn’t planned. My very first thought was that I should tell her what a whore she was and to stay the Hell away from me, but I couldn’t. Because I didn’t want to be mean. I was happy with you, and I just didn’t have mean or cruel in me." He sighed, and then looked up at the ceiling. "I was generous, Em. You were generous with me, and it made the whole world bigger. So I thought I should share that."
"You were generous?" Emily asked resentfully. "Why couldn’t you share any of that with me? Do you remember what a jerk you were to Miranda, and then Jessie? God, you didn’t even want to see Zainab most of the time."
"I couldn’t stand the way you loved them," he said bravely. "I know they’re more than just friends. They were there for you when your family wasn’t." His face twitched. "They were there for y
ou when I wasn’t, and they comforted you when I was a big fat jerk. I didn’t like the reminder that you needed people to make up for me, and I was greedy and selfish." He leaned forward, and Emily was suddenly reminded of why their first few months together had been so intense. "I wanted to be the only one you needed, because you were all I needed."
She couldn’t do anything but look at his beautiful eyes again. She thought she might even smile. Soldier on, she reminded herself. "We had Hellie, and I needed you more. You were gone when I really needed you."
"Emily..." Mitch felt so desperate. "I moved into that stupid studio because my parents told me what a brat I was and I didn't want to hear it. Like a miracle, I ended up with you there. But that was one more reason I wasn’t good enough for you. I loved lying in bed with you, but I hated that the bed was there. You deserved so much more, and so did Hellie. I just wanted to get out of school and get a good job so she’d never remember being there in that tiny hole, and I wanted to get a nice enough house so you wouldn’t remember too well either."
Emily laughed a little bit and looked away. "You’ve been to my mother’s house."
"Yes. Even that was nicer than where we lived."
"It could have been, but it never was." She remembered the day Zainab had helped her take all of her things out of her mother’s house and brought them to Drew’s. "I was happy where we were, anywhere we were, because that was where we took care of each other, and that’s where we took care of her." She shrugged. "Have we really been together that long and you still don’t know that about me?"
"If I only ever gave you what you asked for, then I would have just left you alone, wouldn’t I?"
Emily felt the tears come down her face. She hated to cry, especially in public. She wiped her face and sipped her soda. "No, Mitch," she said softly. "That doesn’t change or make it okay that you didn’t want me to be with my friends and then you abandoned me to them. That doesn’t make it okay that I gave you the most beautiful baby in the world and you didn’t see her for more than the equivalent of two days a week. That doesn’t make it okay that you avoided me for over two years and then had email sex with the same woman you chose over me." She took a deep breath. "If you weren’t going to leave me alone when I pushed you away, then why did you decide to do it when I’d already taken you?"
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