by Leigh, Nerys
He’d tossed and turned for what could have been hours. When he finally did fall asleep, he kept waking as the pain from his head and eyes grew. He’d taken more laudanum before bed which had helped, but it hadn’t lasted.
At least now his head was somewhat better than it had been the day before. But his eyes were throbbing.
Instinct told him it was morning. Part of him wanted to rip the bandages from his eyes and have the light flood in. The rest wanted to stay unmoving beneath the bedclothes and never come out.
If he stayed there, he could tell himself it was only a matter of taking off the bandages. Whether or not he could see was his choice. But if he removed them and the darkness remained it would no longer be in his hands.
He didn’t want to be helpless.
He didn’t want to know that he was blind.
How long he lay there, too afraid to find out what the morning had brought, he didn’t know. It was only when he heard sounds from the bedroom that he stirred into action. He didn’t want Sara to be there when he found out if the night had made any difference. He didn’t want to hear her pity if it hadn’t.
Slowly, he sat up. It took a few seconds of steeling himself before he finally began to unwind the bandage from around his eyes.
“Please, Lord,” he whispered as each layer peeled away.
Finally, only the pieces of gauze over each eye were left. He gingerly pulled them away, wincing as they tugged at his burns. The thick darkness remained.
Maybe it wasn’t morning, he thought. Maybe it was still night. Maybe when he opened his eyes he’d see the dim outlines of the furniture in the inadequate glimmer of the moon. Maybe...
Slowly, he opened his eyes.
There was no moon, no furniture, no house, no hope.
He was blind.
“Daniel?”
He hadn’t heard the bedroom door open. Soft footsteps crossed the room towards him.
“Is there any improvement?”
He turned his face in the direction of her voice and shook his head.
Her dress rustled softly as she sat in the chair next to him and her hands wrapped around his. “That means nothing. The doctor said it could take days for your sight to return. It’s going to be all right.”
Was she trying to persuade him or herself?
He immediately regretted having the thought. She was only trying to help. This had to be terrifying for her too. She had to be afraid that the man she’d come to marry, thinking he could provide and take care of her, would end up useless.
“You’re right.” He smiled, hoping it would make his words more convincing for both of them. “I just miss seeing your beautiful face.”
It was true. He imagined her smiling, a blush staining her cheeks, which made him want to see her even more.
“I...” She gave a small laugh. “I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Just tell me you’re smiling.”
“I am. Very much.”
~ ~ ~
Getting washed and dressed without being able to see what he was doing turned out to be much harder than Daniel had anticipated.
He knew he sloshed water onto the floor but couldn’t see to clean it up. He put on a shirt but had no idea what colour it was. At least he could tell the difference by touch between his denim trousers and the good ones he wore on Sundays. He forewent shaving altogether. There was a very real danger he’d slit his own throat if he tried to do it himself and there was no way he’d ask Will to help him. He could live with a little stubble for the day.
The process took so long that by the time he finished he was sure it must have been lunchtime. So he was a little surprised to smell the aromas of a cooked breakfast when he felt his way into the kitchen, only walking into three pieces of furniture along the way.
“Morning,” Will said.
He didn’t ask about his eyes. Sara had probably already told him.
He hadn’t gone two steps before he felt Sara’s hands take his arm to guide him.
“I can do it,” he said, pulling away from her. He immediately regretted it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. I’m just trying to learn how to do things by myself.”
“I understand.”
There was silence as he made his way across the kitchen, stopping when his leg bumped a chair. He felt for the table and pulled the chair out to sit. A few seconds later he heard a plate being placed onto the table in front of him. Sara’s hand rested on his shoulder.
“Two fried eggs at six o’clock, a slice of ham at twelve o’clock, fried potatoes at nine o’clock and tomatoes at three o’clock. Knife and fork’s by your right hand.”
He found the cutlery and ran his hands around the edges of the plate, picturing the food as she’d described it. When he took his first mouthful he was slightly surprised to find it contained a quarter of a fried tomato and a chunk of ham, exactly as he’d meant it to.
“Think I’ll stick around here today,” Will said. “The corn’s all done so I’ll finish cleaning up the barn. And I’ve been meaning to fix that bit of fencing in the paddock. One day Pea is going to spot it’s loose and we’ll never see her again.”
Daniel knew his brother was only staying by the house for his sake. The fence had needed mending for weeks. Much as he wanted to protest, however, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Sara might need the reassurance of having a man around who had the use of all his faculties.
“OK,” he said.
“I’ll milk Pea once I’m done eating.”
Daniel couldn’t help but mention the obvious reason why he was usually the one to milk their cow. “Pea hates you.”
“Pea hates everyone. I’ll manage. It’s time I showed that cow who’s boss anyway.”
“Yeah, her.”
“If you teach me how to milk her, I can help from now on,” Sara said. “I can collect the eggs from the chickens too.”
“If you don’t mind dealing with a belligerent cow, I can show you how,” Will said. “It’ll mean I can get out to the fields sooner in the future. It’ll also mean I don’t have to start my day dealing with a belligerent cow.”
Daniel’s stomach dropped. He opened his mouth to object then closed it again. He couldn’t teach Sara if he couldn’t see what Pea was doing, or correct her if she got anything wrong. Or save her if Pea was in one of her bad moods. It made sense that Will taught her.
Except he’d wanted to be the one to teach her everything about his farm. He’d been dreaming of it for months.
“Thank you,” Sara said. She sounded like she was smiling. Like she was happy Will would be introducing her to the new experience of milking a cow.
Daniel’s cow. Daniel’s farm. Daniel’s wife.
He stifled a sigh.
“Is that all right, Daniel?” she said.
He’d never wanted to be anything less than truthful with his wife and now he was about to tell her his second falsehood of the day and it was only breakfast. “Yes, it’s fine.”
He smiled in an effort to make the lie credible. There would be plenty more to teach her when his sight returned.
At least Will couldn’t teach her about his bees.
Chapter 14
While Will went out to the barn to move the horses into the paddock and muck out the stalls, Sara cleared the breakfast dishes and cleaned up. When she was done, she made sure Daniel had everything he needed and then followed Will outside.
She was a little nervous. Since her first meeting with Peapod four days previously she’d only seen the cow from a distance, either in the paddock or through the kitchen window as she was led to the barn for the night. Will’s description of her as belligerent didn’t fill Sara with confidence, but she was determined to help and that meant learning how to milk the cow. No matter how bad tempered Peapod was.
When she reached the large barn, Will was wheeling the last barrow of what had been deposited in the stalls during the night to the compost heap around the back where it was some distance from
everything else and surrounded by bushes. Sara resisted the urge to cover her nose. She was a farmer’s wife now, unpleasant odours would be part of everyday life. Hopefully her nasal passages would develop some kind of immunity to it soon. Very soon.
She ventured inside and found Bess lying on a blanket draped over a bale of straw by the entrance. She wagged her tail as Sara scratched her ears.
Peapod stood in her stall eyeing Sara with what looked very much like suspicion. Although not having had much bovine experience, it was hard for Sara to tell what she was really thinking. Maybe she’d learn to read her moods eventually.
“Right,” Will said, walking into the barn, “are you ready to risk life and limb to supply us with our daily milk, butter and cheese and all the other delicious foodstuffs that compel us to deal with these ludicrous animals?”
Sara didn’t bother to hide her apprehension. “Is she really that bad?”
He laughed as he took a leather halter from a hook on the wall. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Dan usually does this. For some reason Pea actually seems to dislike him less than me, although I have no idea why. Women usually love me.”
“Maybe your irresistibility doesn’t cross the species divide.”
“That must be it.” He walked up to Pea’s stall. “The first thing you do is put the halter on her. That’s very important. And always do that before you open the stall. I can’t stress that enough.” He showed Sara the buckles and how the whole thing fastened together, then reached towards Pea with the contraption. Pea backed away. “Come on, Pea, don’t make me look bad. The less fuss you make, the happier we’ll both be.”
Backed into the corner, the cow looked unconvinced.
Tensed to leap away at the first sign of danger, Sara walked up to the stall. Peapod had let her touch her on Saturday morning, maybe she’d do it again.
She reached out her hand. Pea took a cautious step forward, clearly curious.
“Remember me?” Sara said in a deliberately calm tone, her hand still outstretched. “We met on Saturday. I told you then that our first milking would be awkward. Well, it will be, but I promise to be gentle and I’d appreciate it very much if you’d do the same. Is it a deal?”
Pea took another step forward and stretched her neck to sniff at Sara’s fingers. Apparently finding them acceptable, she walked to the stall door, forcing Sara to step back or be nuzzled by a very large, wet nose. She gave the cow a rub on the head instead.
Looking astonished, Will silently handed her the halter. She gently fitted it over Pea’s head and buckled it in place, then attached the rope Will gave her.
“Well, I’ll be,” he breathed. “I’ve never seen anything like that. Must be all she wanted was a woman’s touch.”
Despite the relative victory, nerves still nipped at Sara’s stomach. “What do I do now?”
“See that hook over there?” Will pointed to the wall by the door where a large hook was fixed next to a feeding rack full of hay. “You’re going to lead her over there and loop the rope round it, then she’ll eat while you milk. It’s the only way we’ve found to keep her calm. Most cows will just stand still, but not Pea. But then maybe for you she will.”
Sara held onto the rope as if her life depended on it and stepped back to give him room to open the stall door. Pea walked out and towards the hay, seeming to not need any leading, and Sara had to hurry to catch up. She secured the rope to the hook and looked at Will who was watching her as if she’d just grown wings.
“I have no idea how you’re doing this, but we’ll just go with it.” He waved a hand at Pea’s rump. “This is the back end of the cow. Stay away from it. Nothing good ever happens there.”
Sara nodded fervently.
He picked up a small wooden stool and placed it beside Pea. “Have a seat.”
She did.
His lips twitched. “Facing the cow.”
She felt her cheeks heat. “Oh, yes. Of course.” She swivelled round to face what looked like a ridiculously huge udder. “How much is in there?”
“About four pints, more or less. She gives about a gallon a day most days. Don’t worry, once you get used to it, it shouldn’t take you more than ten minutes. I have to warn you though, your hands are gonna hurt for a while until they toughen up. You sure you still want to do this?”
She looked at Pea eating the hay, then at the full udder.
When she’d decided to come to the farm to marry Daniel, she’d known there would be things that were difficult to do, and she’d made a promise to herself that she wouldn’t shy away from any of them.
It looked like she was about to find out how much her promises were worth.
“Tell me what to do.”
~ ~ ~
Daniel paced back and forth across the kitchen, wishing he’d gone with Sara to the barn. Even if he couldn’t show her what to do, he could at least have been there.
Pacing blind wasn’t easy in a small room. He kept walking into the dresser and the chairs around the table. Eventually he limited himself to five small steps in either direction which wasn’t very satisfying as far as pacing went. But still he paced.
After what seemed to be an unnecessarily long time, the back door opened.
Daniel came to a halt. “Sara?”
“I milked a cow,” she said. “And now I can’t move my hands.”
“I couldn’t believe how calm Pea was.” Will sounded excited. “She just stood there patiently while Sara milked her. You should have seen-” He stopped abruptly and Daniel could almost hear him wince. “Sorry.”
Daniel shook his head. “Don’t you dare start getting awkward around me.”
“Sorry,” Will said, again. “Anyway, you will see it when your sight comes back. It was amazing. Sara’s like some kind of... cow charmer. Pea loves her. Still hates me, tried to kick me when I was showing Sara what to do, but she loves Sara.”
“Maybe it’s because I warmed my hands first,” she said.
Daniel heard a finger click.
“That must be it!” Will exclaimed. “You’re a genius.”
A burst of jealousy hit Daniel as his brother and wife laughed together. He wanted to be the one teaching her. Laughing with her. Seeing her.
“Could someone work the pump for me?” she said.
“I’ll do it,” he said, before Will could share that with her too. He darted forward and collided with a chair, sending it crashing into the table. Biting back a sigh of frustration, he made his way more slowly around the table to the sink.
“I’m going to get the eggs in and then start on the fence,” Will said, “while Pea’s still in a relatively good mood.”
Daniel felt for the soap as his footsteps receded back outside. Sara came to stand next to him, her skirt brushing against his leg and her shoulder just touching his as she held her hands under the water. He lathered the soap onto his hands and held them out over the sink. Sara placed her hands on top.
“I didn’t really notice it until I stopped,” she said as he gently massaged her palms with his soapy fingers. “Is it always this painful?”
“Only at first. You’ll get stronger and it will get easier. Will can milk her tonight and for the next couple of days so your hands can have a rest. But if you’ve changed your mind about the milking, I don’t mind at all. You have so much to do as it is.”
“No, I want to. I need to be able to do all of this. I’ll be all right.” A smile touched her voice. “Just as soon as I can move my fingers again.”
“Is this helping?” He desperately hoped it was because he very much didn’t want to let go of her hands.
Her voice softened. “If I say yes, will you keep doing it?”
Until his own hands seized up, if she’d let him. “For as long as you want.”
She sighed and her head leaned against his shoulder. “I’d like that. It feels wonderful.”
They stood for a while in silence as he gently worked on her palms, then each finger, and finally her wrists. He kn
ew her forearms would be aching too, but he didn’t press his luck. As it was, the experience felt incredibly intimate and he worried he was going too far. But she didn’t make any move to stop him and her head remained against his shoulder.
Finally, when the soap began to dry, he rinsed her hands off and dried them with the dishcloth.
“Thank you,” she said, taking his hands again. “That was amazing. I’d suggest you could charge people money to do that, but I think I’d like to be selfish and keep the experience just for myself.”
He rubbed little circles onto the backs of her hands with his thumbs. “Anytime you want me to do it again, just ask. My fingers are at your disposal.” He kept his tone casual, but inside he was leaping for joy at the thought he’d get to do it again.
“I’ll look forward to it.”
His heartbeat quickened. Would it be too forward to kiss the soft hands still nestled in his? Slowly, he lifted them towards his lips.
A bolt of agony shot through his head, behind his eyes. He dropped her hands, leaning forward and gasping in a breath, letting the air out on a grunt of pain.
“Daniel?” Sara said, her voice panicked as she grasped his shoulders. “What is it?”
He straightened as the pain slackened to a sharp ache. “I’m OK. I’ve been getting these shooting pains behind my eyes, but it’s going now.”
“Here, sit.” She guided him to a chair and gently pushed him down onto it. “I’ll get the laudanum.”
“It’s really not that bad,” he said, trying to keep the pain from his voice.
Her voice became firm. “Are you telling me the truth or trying to look tough?”
They’d only known each other a few days and already she could see right through him. “Well...”
“I thought so. You’re having the laudanum and that’s final.”
He smiled despite the pain. “Yes, Ma’am.”