by M. H. Soars
“Good morning, Olivia. Am I interrupting?”
I blink a few times to help my brain get into gear. “Mrs. Reinhardt. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there. Good morning.”
“I was wondering if you have time for a little chat.”
“Yes, absolutely.”
She turns on her heels and heads for Bill’s office. I scramble out of my chair, following her with my heart in my mouth. Shit, she’s going to fire me.
I close the door behind me without being told and notice how clean Bill’s desk is. All his personal belongings are gone. When Mayara sits behind his desk, I get the confirmation that he won’t be coming back.
With shaking legs, I take the chair facing her, folding my hands on my lap to wriggle nervously out of her sight.
“As you’ve noticed, Bill is no longer with the company. Your coworker Celine was also let go.”
I should say something, but nothing comes to my mind.
“So, that leaves me with a problem,” Mayara continues. “We have a series of international events that demand support from headquarters and Bill was overseeing that. Well, at least I thought he was. I spent part of my Saturday morning going through his e-mails, and I’m dismayed at the state of his projects. Actually, the only items on the lists that seem to be on schedule are the ones you had ownership over.”
“I tried to help more, but Bill wouldn’t let me handle anything that he deemed too senior for my job title.”
Mayara watches me like a hawk. She didn’t build an empire from scratch for being soft. If I were to guess, she’s more pissed at herself for not seeing that Bill was wrecking the department before it was too late.
“I understand. I’m beginning to suspect that the wins in this department were at your hand. How would you like to take Bill’s place as marketing manager?”
“You’re giving me a promotion?”
“Why the surprise? You’ve been doing a terrific job, despite being under the thumb of that depraved baboon.”
“Honestly, I thought you were going to fire me after my outburst last week.”
Mayara waves her hand dismissively. “Under the circumstances, your reaction was warranted. I trust there won’t be more of such occurrences.”
“No, absolutely not.”
“Good. I’ll have HR send you the new contract with your new salary and benefits. Oh, and get in touch with the Director of International Marketing, Tina Williams. She’s expecting your call this morning to go over the agenda for the summit in Asia.”
I’m still processing the news when Mayara stands from Bill’s former chair. “I suppose you’d like your seat now.” She extends her hand to me. “Congratulations, Liv. I’m sure I’ll be hearing a lot about you.”
Eighteen
LIV
TWO WEEKS LATER
There’s no one to welcome me home when I enter my apartment. Sebastian had warned me that he would be at Renegades HQ, helping set up the welcome home party for Oliver and Saylor. Our friends didn’t warn us of their imminent arrival until two days ago. Luckily, I was able to change my return flight in time to not miss their party. I had planned to stay over the weekend to go sightseeing—and make the trip to Japan worth it—but welcoming my friends home is more important.
The Asia Summit was a success, but it was nonstop work, and after almost a day of traveling, I’m longing a nap. The time on the clock tells me I only have time for a quick shower, however. As I walk by the kitchen, I stare at the coffeemaker wistfully. I’d kill for a cup of coffee, but that’s a craving I’ll have to ignore.
Ten minutes later, I feel much better after washing off the trip’s grime. I’m still tired, so I call an Uber instead of driving to Hermosa Beach. My plan is to catch some Zs on the way to the party, but I get a chatty driver. Sleep won’t be in my near future, it seems.
I get a text from Sebastian asking me where I am as soon as my feet hit the pavement in front of Renegades HQ. I reply telling him I’m outside, and when I reach the door, it opens to reveal him on the other side.
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” he says before he engulfs me in a tight hug.
“Bas, I can’t breathe.”
He releases me from his vise hold and steps back. “Sorry. I didn’t crush you, did I? How are you? How was your trip?”
“Long and tiring.” I try to suppress a yawn, failing miserably. Sebastian stares at me with a frown. “What?”
“I hope you didn’t overdo it on this trip of yours.” He pinches his lips and keeps staring with a disapproving glance.
“I’m fine. We are fine.” I place a hand on my belly.
Dropping to his knees, Bas kisses me just above my panty line. I’m fully dressed, and it’s not like his action had any sexual meaning, but the affection makes my toes curl as a tendril of pleasure wraps around my spine.
“You’re silly.” I laugh.
He gets to his feet again and kisses me long and hard, making me wish for a bed for entirely different reasons. When he lets go of my lips, I’m dizzy and breathless. Would it be completely inappropriate if Sebastian and I disappeared for half an hour during the party?
“Come on. We still need to put a few decorations in place, but Fritz decided the colorful balloons are his mortal enemies.”
“Oh brother.”
Sebastian walks by my side as we head up the stairs, placing a protective hand on my lower back. I haven’t seen him in two weeks, and the contact is creating havoc in my body. Maybe I’m already experiencing extra horniness thanks to pregnancy hormones.
Saylor’s bandmates greet me with smiles and hugs, but Fritz is the most excited to see me. I bend over to pick up the little rascal, and when I straighten up, I come face-to-face with Shane, Sebastian’s cousin.
“Hey, Liv. Welcome home.”
Hugging him sideways so as not to crush Fritz, I say, “Oh my God. I didn’t know you were coming to California. Sebastian didn’t say anything.”
“Oops, it kind of slipped my mind.” Sebastian rubs the back of his neck.
“Where are you staying?” I ask.
“Uh, your couch. I hope it’s okay.”
I glare at Sebastian, not because he invited Shane to stay with us but because he totally neglected to let me know.
Knowing what’s on my mind, he raises both hands and takes a few steps back. “I know, I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’m moving to an Air BnB. I’ll just bother you for one more night. Promise.”
“No, Shane, you’re fine. Stay as long as you want. What brings you to California? Don’t you have school?”
“Uh, I guess Bas didn’t tell you about that either, huh?” He shakes his head. “I graduated early, and I’ve been offered a job at a start-up company here in LA.”
My jaw drops. Shane is the same age as Jeremy. “Really? Wow, that’s amazing. And yes, Bas didn’t tell me anything.” I watch Sebastian through slits.
“Fine. My bad. You can punish me later. Now can we finish with the work at hand?”
“Wasn’t Fritz the problem? I’m going to take him outside and make sure he’s out of the way. Come, Shane. You need to fill me in since Bas has done such a terrible job.”
I look over my shoulder as I pull Shane with me. Sebastian is staring at us with his mouth wide open, hands on his hips. Then he narrows his eyes at me, and I see a promise of retribution. My heart does a backflip. I know exactly what’s in store for me and I can’t wait.
Nineteen
LIV
My eyes fly open as I feel a sharp pain in my womb. It’s worse than any cramps I’ve ever had. I whimper, which makes Sebastian hold me tighter against his body while he sleeps. One of his arms is across my middle, keeping me in place. I try my best to get free without waking him up, but he won’t budge. I feel a clench deep in my lower abdomen, followed by another sharp pain that has me seeing stars.
I finally shove Sebastian off me and run to the bathroom. The bright fluorescent lights blind me for a second, but once m
y eyes adjust to the brightness, I see the bloodstains on my legs.
No, no, no.
“Liv, what’s the matter?” Sebastian appears behind me, rubbing his eyes. I open my mouth to answer, but another bout of pain has me doubling over. He holds me, keeping me steady. “Is that blood?”
“Yes,” I whisper with difficulty.
He guides me back to the room, then makes me sit on the bed, disappearing in the next moment. A second later, he returns with one of his hoodies. “Here, put this on. I’m taking you to the emergency room.”
Without waiting for my cooperation, he helps me get dressed. I’m swallowed by the oversized hoodie, and when my head pops free through the opening on top, I see that Sebastian is already crying.
“Bas, I’m scared.”
“Me too, babe. Me too. Come on.”
We walk on the tips of our toes, not wanting to wake Shane who is sound asleep on the couch. He doesn’t even stir, and for that I’m glad; I don’t want any witnesses to what’s happening to me, to us. We’re losing our baby. I can feel it.
I’m crying in earnest as we reach the garage. Sebastian has gotten his emotions under control for now, determined to get me to the hospital as quickly as possible.
We fly on the deserted highway and the closer we get to the hospital, the more intense the pain becomes. I clench my jaw to avoid making any noise. I don’t want to make Sebastian more stressed, but I can’t keep from whimpering softly when it becomes too much.
“Hang in there, babe. Hang in there. We’re not too far now.”
Two minutes later, Sebastian stops in front of the emergency room entrance. He stomps on the brake, making his tires screech loudly. The car comes to a sudden stop, and the smell of burned rubber reaches my nose in the next second. He’s out of the car and opening my door in the blink of an eye. He picks me up, not bothering to close the car door before running toward the double doors of the hospital.
“I need help!” he screams as soon as he bursts through.
My arms are looped behind his neck, and my face is buried against his chest, but I hear commotion all around us.
“What happened to her?” a woman asks.
“I don’t know. I think my wife is having a miscarriage. Can you please help her?”
There’s more talking, but it’s all a cacophony of sound at this point. I’m too busy focusing on my breathing, as it helps distract from the pain. Sebastian starts to move again and a moment later, I’m placed on a hospital gurney. Opening my eyes, I search for Sebastian, finding him walking next to me. His jaw is set hard, and he holds my hand in a vise.
Sensing my stare, he looks down. “They’re going to help you, Liv.”
I nod, but I’m terrified of what’s happening to me, of what’s happening to our baby.
“You’ll have to stay here, sir,” a nurse tells Sebastian.
My eyes fly open and I beg him to stay with me. I don’t want to face this alone.
“It’s okay, babe. I’ll be right here waiting for you. It’s going to be all right.” He chokes on the end of his statement and covers his mouth with a fist. Then he disappears from my sight as the nurses resume pushing the gurney forward. I close my eyes and cry harder.
SEBASTIAN
I stay rooted to the spot as I watch a couple of nurses wheel the love of my life away. It’s not until an older man wearing a uniform touches my arm that I realize I haven’t moved in a while.
“We have very good doctors here.”
He’s kind, and I don’t have the heart to tell him that good doctors weren’t able to save my parents. I walk back to the waiting room and a nurse promptly shoves paperwork at me. The last thing I want to do is answer a bunch of inane questions. How can they expect me to remember my insurance policy number and other nonsense when I don’t know what’s happening to my family?
I’m not sure how I finish filling out the damned form. Operating as an automaton, I drag my feet to the reception desk, handing the completed paperwork back to the nurse. There’s a clock mounted on the wall behind her showing it’s ten past three. I don’t know how much time has passed, but I don’t think I’ve been here for more than an hour.
“How much longer do you think?” I ask no one in particular.
The nurse who gave me the form turns to her coworker and whispers something to her. After a few exchanged words, she replies, “It shouldn’t be much longer now. The cafeteria is closed, but we have a coffee machine around the corner.”
“Thanks.”
I don’t want coffee; I don’t want anything besides Liv. God, please don’t take her away from me too. She was bleeding so much; that can’t be good.
Another hour passes before a doctor finds me.
“Sebastian Coleman?”
“Yes.” I stand up. “How is she?”
“Sedated. We thought it best if she rested until morning.”
“And the baby?”
“I’m afraid she had a miscarriage. I’m sorry.”
I take deep breaths as a shiver runs down my spine. I want to cry for the loss, but worry for Liv is trumping all other emotions. “Can I see her?”
“Sure. The nurse will bring you to her room.”
It takes another fifteen minutes before someone has the time to escort me to where Liv is. It’s the middle of the night and the hospital is dead, so I don’t know how busy they can be, but I bite my tongue and don’t make a comment, too tired to start arguing.
Liv is sound asleep when I enter the room. She looks so frail there in that hospital bed that it breaks my heart. I pull up a chair and sit next to her, grabbing her hands, noticing how cold they are. I don’t know how I’m going to tell her we lost our baby. She’s going to be devastated, especially with Saylor being pregnant too.
I lean my head against the bed and finally allow myself to cry. I have to do it now while she’s asleep, because when she wakes up, I must be strong.
Twenty
LIV
I was allowed to go home Sunday afternoon, but the reality of what happened has yet to sink in. We found a worried Shane going out of his mind, which meant Sebastian didn’t tell him much, if anything. I didn’t have the energy to explain, choosing to hide in my bedroom.
The first thing I noticed were the bloodstained sheets. A shiver ran through my spine then, but I didn’t cry. I couldn’t summon one single drop, not when I felt dead inside. I pulled the soiled sheets off and tossed them to the floor, not bothering to actually take them to the laundry room.
I didn’t speak the rest of the day, asking Sebastian to give me space. So it’s clearly a surprise to him when he finds me in the kitchen this morning, having breakfast and already dressed for work.
“You’re going into the office?”
Not looking in his direction, I fill my cup with coffee to the brim. No reason now to deprive myself of it.
“Yes. Life goes on and I’m as busy as ever.”
“Liv, you just spent the night in a hospital.”
“I know. I was there. I lived it. And I’m telling you I’m ready to go back to work.”
“Shouldn’t we talk about—”
“About what? My miscarriage? What is there to talk about? I lost a baby. It’s quite common in the first trimester, you know.” I don’t make eye contact with him. I can’t.
Sebastian reaches for me, but I sidestep him with mug in hand. “Sorry, Bas. I have a meeting in thirty minutes. I gotta go.”
I don’t give Sebastian a chance to stop me. I have to leave our apartment now; otherwise, I’m going to crumble and I might never be able to pick up the pieces again.
Last night, I waited until he was sound asleep to go cry in the bathroom, staring at the picture of the first ultrasound of our baby. It was just a tiny dot, barely visible, but it was there. Now there’s nothing but emptiness.
This morning, I didn’t want to look closely at Sebastian’s face, afraid to find condemnation in his eyes. He complained before that I was working too hard, but I didn�
�t listen when he asked me to slow down. I thought he was being sexist and overprotective, but now I’m not so sure. What if I did this? What if all the late nights and long international trips made my body weaker, unable to sustain the life growing in my womb? Guilt is already twisting my guts; if I read blame in Sebastian’s gaze on top of that, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it.
I lied to him. I don’t have a meeting early this morning. In reality, I had taken the day off to recover from my trip to Asia, but work is the only thing that can occupy my mind right now. At my computer, I receive a message on Skype from Cynthia asking how my trip was. I reply saying it was a success. She wants to do lunch this week and we make plans for it. I need this, I need normality.
When I started college, I honestly thought I wanted to be a wedding planner, but the job at Reinhardt Corp opened my eyes to a new plethora of possibilities, and I find myself enjoying the work I do more and more. There’s still the event part of it that I love, but the other aspects of marketing have also grown on me.
Within the hour, I manage to read through all my e-mails, flagging the ones I need to answer right away and leaving the others that I’ve just been copied on but don’t need to respond to. My cell phone pings, telling me that I received a message. I ignore it. It’s probably Sebastian checking on me.
Five minutes later, I receive an e-mail from Saylor. Why is she e-mailing me at work? The message has no subject line, but when I open it, I see the reason why: Why aren’t you answering my texts?
Ah, so she was the one blowing up my phone. God, I don’t want to talk to her either. How do I tell my pregnant best friend that I lost my baby? She’s going to be as devastated as me, and I don’t want to be the reason she can’t enjoy her own more than deserved moment of joy.
Tears prickle my eyes, and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep them from falling. I delete her e-mail without replying, knowing it’s stupid. I won’t be able to avoid Saylor forever, and eventually, I have to tell everyone I had a miscarriage, but I can’t do that right now. I just can’t.