by Mia Ford
“I said what’s with you today? I know you heard me, lady.”
“Nothing,” I laughed, my fingers toying lazily with the ends of the apron I had yet to put on while I tried to lie to my best friend and failed miserably. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bullshit, you don’t!” she squawked, her voice so loud in the empty diner she made me jump about a foot in the air. “You’ve been acting moony ever since you got to work today. So, either tell me what’s with you, or I’ll march up to that Driscoll place and ask him. You tell me which one you would prefer.”
“Definitely the first option,” I admitted, my head momentarily filled with a shudder-inducing vision of Courtney stomping all of the way up to Neil’s front door, where she would pound and yell and demand her information. “And it’s really nothing. I was just thinking about Neil’s last night.”
“And?”
“And what? That’s what I was thinking about.”
“And? Thinking about it how?”
“I was just thinking about how great it was.”
“Right…?”
“I don’t know what else you want me to say,” I laughed shyly, knowing full well what she wanted to know and having not a clue how to tell her. “It was really amazing, that’s all.”
“You did it, didn’t you? You finally fucking did it!”
“Courtney! Seriously, okay? Not so loud!”
“Why, because the salt shakers are going to hear me? Am I right or am I wrong? Did you have sex with him last night?”
I didn’t answer her question, but I didn’t have to. My silence was all of the answer she needed. She let out a low whistle and lit up a cigarette, right there at the counter, despite the fact that the place had been nonsmoking for at least a year. I thought about reminding her of that fact, but something told me it would be best if I didn’t. She had a look in her eyes that I couldn’t understand, especially after all of her years of trying to get me to stop being such a prude.
“What’s the matter, Courtney? If I didn’t know any better, I would say you weren’t happy for me.”
“Of course, I am. Don’t be crazy, okay? It’s about time, you know? I just want to make sure he was good to you. You waited a long time for this. I just want to make sure it was a good thing that it happened this way.”
“It was definitely a good thing! I know you’re going to think this is crazy, but I think it was probably always supposed to be him, you know? Like that’s why I couldn’t ever make myself go there with anyone else. I think it was always supposed to be him, and it was the most amazing thing ever.”
“Christ. Yeah, see that was kind of what I was afraid of.”
“What do you mean?” I asked slowly, feeling confused and shockingly hurt by such a blunt statement. “You’re the one—”
“Right,” she interrupted, sucking on the end of her smoke contemplatively. “I’m the one who’s been telling you to get it over with, I know. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.”
“I don’t know what that even means.”
“It means I don’t want you to assume it means something big, all right?” She sighed, put the cigarette out, and began pacing in front of me. I was torn between being annoyed and royally pissed off that she would spoil my good mood this way. Then, I felt an enormous amount of love for her for how much she cared about me. In the end, I decided not to lose my cool and to focus on the love part, which made it a little bit easier to hear the next part she had to say.
“Look, I know how important all of that romance shit is to you, but it’s not real. We’ve been through that a thousand times, and it never really mattered all that much that you didn’t believe me. Except now it does. You want him to be some changed guy, now that the two of you had sex, but that doesn’t mean he will be. He’s still the guy who left you, and that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have done it. I’m glad you did it, and I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
“You could have fooled me.”
“It’s the emotions that’ve got me worried, girl. You can’t let yourself get all attached to him now, just because sex got involved. Men don’t change, Fay. Even if you really, really want them to. They just don’t. All of that exception to the rule crap? That’s exactly what it is. It’s crap, and the sooner you learn that, the better.”
I had no idea what I was supposed to say to that, and luckily, I didn’t have to decide. Despite the fact that our diner spent ninety-five percent of the time empty, that was the moment somebody chose to walk through the door, breaking both the spell and the tension of our conversation.
“Yikes,” a voice I didn’t recognize called out. “Not gonna lie. Sensing some serious tension in here. Are you guys open?”
“Sure, we are,” Courtney answered in her falsely happy voice, the one she reserved for the customers. “Why don’t you sit right here at the counter? No reason not to, right?”
And so the guy did exactly that, taking one more second to survey his surroundings and make sure everything was basically all right. Courtney was the one who served him, and I took out my book and began to read. The thing was, I kept feeling his eyes on me. She would be talking to him, but even while I kept my eyes on my page, I could feel his eyes on me, and after he’d settled up, he came and stood in front of me and cleared his throat.
“Hey, I’m really sorry to interrupt.”
“That’s totally fine! It’s not like reading on the job is exactly allowed, right?”
“Right,” he laughed nervously, looking around to see if Courtney was paying attention. Because I knew her so well, I knew that she definitely was, but he didn’t know that, which meant that he made the decision to continue on with what he had to say.
“Listen, I work for a nature magazine.”
“Do you? That’s awesome! What an amazing job!”
“Yeah,” he went on, looking more and more nervous with each word. “I do. And the thing is, I’m going to be around here for a good six months. And I was wondering if you might let me take you out some time.”
I was a little bit astonished. He was a cute guy, with really dark hair and dark eyes. Something about him made me think he would be sweet. He was the kind of guy a girl said yes to, and also, the first guy aside from Neil to ever ask me out in the diner. There was a time when I might have said yes, too. A time in the not too distant past, but now, it was only Neil I could think about. I could still smell him, could still taste him on my tongue, which meant that there was no way I could go out with this guy.
“You have a boyfriend, don’t you?”
“Kind of,” I answered sheepishly, sorry to make him feel bad but grateful to have him be the one to say it first. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be! I’m not surprised. I have to tell you something, though.”
“Of course! Anything,” I answered in a probably overly bright voice, trying to make up for the blow I had just delivered while simultaneously having no idea what he might want to tell me next.
“I’m not giving up. I’m sure your boyfriend is great, but I’m not giving up. If there’s a chance of you being single while I’m here, I’m going to make sure I don’t miss it.”
And just like that, he was gone. He turned and left so quickly, I didn’t even have a chance to answer, and when I turned to look at Courtney, I expected her to be laughing, just as I was starting to. Instead, she was looking at me with a grave, thoughtful face, something very unusual for the Courtney I knew and loved.
“What is it?” I asked, afraid I already knew the answer but asking anyway. “What’s the matter?”
“I just don’t want to see you hurt, and at this rate, you’re going to be. He’s not your boyfriend, Fay, and he never will be. He’s not going to stay. Men don’t change. I keep telling you that. I’m just wondering if you’ll start to listen before it’s too late.”
Chapter 16: Neil
The email I got from Professor Dan threw me back into the real world, the world I had been putting on h
old since coming back to Ashville. It was simple enough in content, only wanting to know when I was thinking about taking the bar exam, but the shit it brought up wasn’t anything close to simple, at least not for me.
The subtle reminder at the end didn’t help, either. The good Professor ended his short, intrusive email by reminding me that putting things off for too long usually meant they didn’t happen at all. I knew what he meant, just as every man and woman I went to school with did. There was a window, and once you got past that window, you lost your momentum. The time after finishing law school was the time in which I had the most momentum a man could have, and instead of using it to take the bar and move my life forward, I was sitting on my ass in Ashville, Alaska, wasting time.
Waking up with Fay next to me in bed had made me vaguely uncomfortable that this might be the case, but seeing the Professor’s words right there on my laptop’s screen, blinking at me in black and white, made it clear. Just because things had slowed down to a crawl for me while I was in Ashville didn’t mean the rest of the world had slowed down, too. Because it most definitely hadn’t. The world was moving on, and it was doing it without me.
“Hey, Neil? Everything okay?”
The sound of Fay’s voice pulled me out of my own head. There had been a weird sound somewhere on the perimeter of my thoughts while I read and reread my email in horror and now I realized what it was. It was the sound of Fay knocking at my door.
She was standing there knocking because I had told her to come by. Shit! I wanted to see her, but I was also having a speak of the devil kind of a feeling. And on top of that, I hadn’t even thought about starting any food for the two of us. Feeling heavy and clumsy and totally fucked in the head, I snapped my computer shut and made my way to the front door, opening it to Fay.
I smiled as best I could when she burst inside and looped her arms through mine and around my waist. Fucked in the head or not, the feeling of her body pressing into mine was a good one. I took a deep breath and willed myself to relax, at least while she was here. Ashville offered me nothing but time to worry about the predicament I had gotten myself into, and I would start doing that just as soon as she left. The odds were, I wasn’t going to be around all that much longer, and if that was the case, I wanted to soak up my time with her while I could. She was my vacation in all of this, and there was no reason not to enjoy that.
“What’s the matter, Neil?” She pulled back and looked up at me, biting her lower lip as she spoke in a way that was unconsciously sexy and totally her. “You look stressed.”
“Nothing to worry about. Just business stuff, you know? That and I forgot to actually make any food.”
“That’s okay! Let me rummage through your fridge! I’m super good at this game. Mom used to let me be in charge of the food when things got really bad, and the groceries got low. I was always pretty great at coming up with the perfect thing to eat. Wanna give me a try?”
“Sure,” I laughed, starting to feel better despite myself. “Have at it.”
“Yes! You’re going to be so impressed, Neil, just wait.”
“I have no doubt.”
And as it turned out, I was. She went through the fridge and by the time she was done, we had what looked like a Tuscan feast. She had all of the cheeses and meats cut up and on a large board, accompanied by olives and pickles and fruits. She went through the wine cellar, mumbling to herself about how stupid it was of her to bring a bottle of wine with her the last time, and picked out the perfect one.
In no time flat, we were sitting at the large kitchen island, her obviously pleased with the turnout and me more than a little bit impressed. Every minute I spent with her, I was seeing something else I liked. She was like the girl I remembered but better, with all of the things I had loved and some new things piled up on top of it.
“What are you staring at?”
“What?” I stalled for time, embarrassed to have been caught making such a rookie mistake. “Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, mister. You totally are. You’re staring at me.”
“Okay, you caught me. I was.”
“How come?”
“I was just thinking that you’re pretty amazing.”
“Ha ha, whatever. It’s only meat and cheese, Neil, don’t give me more credit than I deserve.”
“No, seriously, Fay. You really are. You’re amazing. I didn’t think women like you really exist, and it makes me wonder.”
“Wonder what?”
“I know you don’t like these kinds of questions, but have you ever considered leaving? Moving out of Ashville? There’s nothing in the world I don’t think you could conquer. There’s so much out there. Don’t you ever wonder if you might be limiting yourself?”
“Neil, come on,” she answered me uncomfortably, clearly wishing I would have kept my mouth shut. “I thought we agreed not to talk about this kind of stuff. Ashville isn’t the best subject for us, you know? Especially when there are so many other things for us to talk about.”
I knew what she was thinking. I could see it in her slightly wounded eyes. I had agreed not to talk about this anymore, not to bring up the one subject that could legitimately come between us. I hadn’t meant to go back on my promise, but the thing was, I couldn’t help it. I liked her. I liked her more than I wanted to admit and definitely more than I was comfortable.
I thought I might even love her. I might never have stopped loving her. But there was still the matter of Ashville to consider. I wasn’t willing to stay. I just wasn’t willing to do it. I wanted her to tell me that she was willing to go, after all. Instead, she smiled at me, got up from her seat, and pressed her body against me.
“How about we don’t talk, Neil?”
“No talking, huh? What do you suggest we do instead?”
“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you let me know what you think?”
She kissed me then, and it wasn’t very long until we were headed back to the bedroom. I was glad to have her there, but there was a part of me that was shut off from her now, already looking ahead. She’d done a damn good job of dancing around my question, but by doing that, she had answered it all the same. She wasn’t going to leave, and I wasn’t going to stay. That left us nowhere, and whether she understood that or not, I absolutely did.
The next morning, as she made me breakfast and chattered happily away, I wondered how long this little playing house act could really work between the two of us. I heard myself promising to come and see her in the diner and wondered if I would be doing that, either. I was torn straight down the middle about what I was supposed to do, and I had no idea what I would choose in the end. I loved her. There was no way for me to lie about that to myself anymore, but I wasn’t sure if it was enough to change me to the core. I wasn’t sure that anything was, no matter how great that something was.
Chapter 17: Fay
“Ugh. Okay, Fay, I’m not going to lie, I’m going to have to call it.”
“Call it? What do you mean, call it? What’s the matter with you, Courtney?”
“What’s the matter with me? Dude, I’m so freaking hungover, I feel like I’m going to die! I’m surprised you can’t tell. Usually, you’re all over that kind of thing. You know, with the lectures and the mothering looks and shit?”
“Oh,” I laughed, feeling like I was walking through a dream and doing my best to be a part of the real world and my friend’s life at the same time. “I’m sorry to disappoint. I guess I just have other things on my mind.”
“Neil, right?”
“How’d you know that?”
“Please,” Courtney scoffed, lighting up a cigarette right there in the middle of the diner yet again. “Are you kidding me? I know how it goes at the beginning of a thing with a guy. Believe it or not, I’ve even been there myself. Also, Eli told me.”
“Eli? Eli told you? When did you talk to him again, Courtney? You didn’t tell me that.”
“You’ve been busy thinking about other things. Besides, it
was just last night. He was at the bar, and we got to talking.”
“Just talking, huh?”
“Nope, never said that, but we aren’t talking about me. We’re talking about you. Eli told me that you and Neil were hanging out.”
“How the hell did he know?”
“Because the two of them talk, I guess. I think they’ve had beers together a couple of times, and I know that Neil comes up to Eli’s shop kind of a lot. I guess he’s been telling him how much he’s into you.’
“Huh.”
Courtney gave me a look like it was the stupidest answer she’d ever heard, and she was probably right, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I had been struggling mightily not to gush about Neil every waking second of every day, but it hadn’t ever occurred to me that Neil might be talking about me as well.
There was still that part of me that was terrified this was all some kind of a game to him, which only made sense considering the way he’d left things so many years ago, but to hear that he was talking to a guy about me made me feel like maybe it wasn’t all me this time. Maybe there really was still something between us, something worth exploring further.
“Hey, Fay?”
“Yeah?”
“I wasn’t joking. Eli and I had a blast last night, but I can’t actually remember the last time I felt this shitty. Is it ok if I go home? I bet we won’t get anyone in, at least anyone aside from your boyfriend.”