by Mia Ford
“It’s not, Neil,” I answered so quietly I wasn’t even sure he could hear me, “It’s not a shithole. It’s our home.”
“No, that’s bullshit, okay? It’s your home, but it’s not mine. I get that you want me to give up my whole fucking life and move here, but it isn’t going to happen.”
“But I never said that, Neil! I don’t understand why you’re acting this way. I never asked you to stay!”
“Sure, not yet, but you were going to, and we both know it. You didn’t want me to go when I was eighteen, and you don’t want me to now.”
“That is so, completely unfair.”
“Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I’m going. My bags are packed, and I already called to have my plane fueled up. I’m out the door, and I need to know if you have any intention of leaving here.”
“Just like that? No time for me to think? No time for a discussion? You’re just gone? It’s just done?”
“That’s it, Fay. That’s the way it has to be for me.”
If he had slapped me in the face, he couldn’t have hurt me more than he did with those words. I loved him. It was something I had suspected before this awful meeting, but now that he was telling me that he was leaving, I knew it without a shadow of a doubt. I loved him, and for the second time, he was leaving me.
All of a sudden, I was sure I was going to have a complete meltdown if I didn’t get out of his house. I stood up abruptly, so quickly that I knocked my glass of wine onto the floor where it shattered into tiny pieces. Under any other circumstances, I would have stopped to clean it up, but at that moment, I couldn’t stop. It was like I was being chased by something terrible, and the worst part of it was that the something chasing me was inside of me. So instead of cleaning it up, I ran out his front door and just kept running. Some silly, naive part of me kept expecting him to chase me, and it was something I held onto up until I got to the diner.
When I walked inside and saw Courtney staring at me, I knew it was all over. I collapsed into a heap on the floor. She hurried towards me, scooping me up as best she could and cradling me in her arms. Dimly, I could hear the man from the nature magazine somewhere behind her, asking what was wrong, and if there wasn’t something he could do.
Of course, he would be here to witness my fall. Why wouldn’t he be? It was like the last nail in my coffin, the last bit of proof of Courtney having been right this entire time. Maybe if I hadn’t been such an idiot, hadn’t been so sure that it would be Neil and nobody else, I wouldn’t feel so much like I was going to die. I would have done what Courtney told me to and learned that there were all kinds of decent guys out there, and it wouldn’t feel like Neil’s leaving was the end of my chance at love. There were plenty of maybes, but none of them changed the fact that my heart was breaking. Instead of subsiding, my sobbing only grew worse, and Courtney pulled me in tighter, doing her best to comfort the comfortless.
“What is it, Fay?” she whispered fiercely into my ear, rocking me like I was a distraught child and not a twenty-six-year-old woman. “What’s the matter? What happened?”
“You were right!” I sobbed, feeling like it would kill me to say it out loud. “You were right the whole time!”
“Right about what? I don’t understand, lady. Right about what? What’s going on?”
“Right about Neil. He’s leaving. He’s getting on his stupid private plane, and he’s leaving. For all I know, he’s gone right now. He’s leaving, and he’s not coming back. He’s not ever coming back.”
The two of us sat there that way for a long time, Courtney only getting us both up to take me out onto the porch and call somebody to come and work for the both of us. She snagged a bottle of liquor, and the two of us passed it back and forth, getting drunk and feeling like shit. When we heard the incredibly loud sound of a plane taking off and flying away, we didn’t say a word.
Chapter 20: Neil
“What the hell, boy?” Eli asked. “I thought you were long gone. We heard your plane take off, brother. It’s not like there’s a bunch of them coming in and out of Ashville.”
“Who do you mean by we?”
“I mean everyone, man. That was what, a week ago? Everyone knew you were gone the minute you took off. The whole fucking town was talking about it. Even if I had somehow managed to miss it all, Courtney would have filled me in on it. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. I think I might have something there.”
“Good. That’s good. Try not to fuck it up, okay? It’s the worst goddamned feeling in the world when you do.”
I wasn’t sure if Eli was right about the timing of everything or not. The time since I had gotten onto my plane and flown away from Ashville was all mostly a blur. I could vaguely remember speaking to Fay with a nasty, asshole tone, and her running out of my house in tears.
At the time, it hadn’t mattered to me, not any of it. The only thing I could think about was that old man’s words, telling me to get out or else I would regret it for the rest of my life. I had been so sure he was right, I hadn’t once stopped to think that maybe it would be the other way around. I hadn’t stopped to think that maybe I would regret losing Fay for the rest of my life, although I was sure that a much smarter man would have seen that immediately.
I had been such a jackass that I had actually convinced myself that there were plenty of women out there just like Fay, that she was nothing all that special. It had taken me about two days to realize how wrong I was, and once I had realized it, I had known I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And I had done it for the second fucking time! I had done it for the second time, and how many times did I think I was going to get away with it, anyway? Just how many times did I think I was going to be able to walk all over her and break her heart before she was done with me once and for all?
I wanted to ask Eli these questions and more, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t ask because I was terrified of what answer he would give me. So I settled on a question I hoped he would recognize as a stand in for all of the rest of them.
“How is she, Eli?”
“Come on, man. Why do you ask me that?”
“Because I want to know, Eli. Christ, why else would I ask?”
“How do you think she is? You acted like a jackass, man. I’m a guy, and even I could see that. She’s been a wreck. She threw out all of those romance books she used to like to read. And you should hear the way she talks now. It’s not good, man. Courtney’s been having to work to keep her from turning into a constant partier, doing all of those things she’s always avoided. It’s been hard.”
“Shit.”
“Why are you here, Neil? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have you, but why are you here really? Because if you’re just going to fuck with her head, don’t. Courtney’ll kill you, and she’ll want me to help, and I don’t want to be in the middle of that. And Fay’s a good girl. She doesn’t deserve any more of this shit. No more, all right?”
I nodded at him, but I wasn’t really listening. I was already half out of his shop and headed down the street towards the diner. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, could feel it going so hard it felt like it might actually explode. For the first time, I was confronting the very real possibility that I was too late to make any difference, and it was a possibility that scared the shit out of me.
There was also a pretty good chance that Courtney was going to claw my eyes out, but that was something I was willing to take. I shoved my hand deep down into my pocket, kept it there for comfort, and shoved open the door to the diner. The first person I saw was Courtney, and she was very clearly not happy to see me.
“Oh no! Hell no, Neil. Not again. You’re not doing this to her for a third time. I’ll go to jail before I let you do that.”
“Please, Courtney. I’m not here to hurt her.”
“Ha! Oh really? And I’m just supposed to believe that? You’re so full of shit. You know that? I tried to warn her. I knew you were only going to fuck her up, but she was
so sweet that she didn’t believe me. She believed in you, Neil. That’s what she believed in, and instead of caring about her, you went and broke her heart. Not only that, but you did it for the second time. Why don’t you just get the hell out of here, Neil? Why don’t you just let her try to get over it without you messing things up for her?”
“Is she here or not, Courtney?”
“Wow, you really just don’t give a shit, do you? Just looking out for yourself, and that’s it.”
“No, that’s not it at all. All of those things you said? You were right. You were right about all of them, and I’m here to fix it, not make it worse.”
“How are you going to fix it? And you better be able to tell me, because if you think I’m just going to trust you, you’re out of your fucking mind.”
I don’t know what kind of answer I would have come up with to something like that, but I never got the chance to figure it out. That was the moment when Fay emerged from the back, her eyes wide at the sound of our voices. I hadn’t realized it until that moment, but we must have been being pretty loud because Fay looked like a deer in headlights before she even saw with her own two eyes that it was me standing in the diner with her best friend.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
Her voice was flat and lifeless. Courtney gave me a look that really felt like it could have murdered me before going and putting her arm around Fay, who was pale with dark circles under her eyes. Even in the short amount of time since I had gone, I could see that she had lost weight, and I felt my stomach drop. I had done that to her. I was the reason she looked so messed up, and if she would let me, I would do whatever I could to make it up to her.
“I’m here for you,” I said.
“Do you want me to make him leave?” Courtney interrupted, looking up at Fay’s face anxiously, “Because I swear to God, I’ll do it.”
“No, that’s okay. Maybe just give us a minute?”
“No. Hell no. I’m not going anywhere while he’s here. He’s done enough already.”
“That’s okay,” I said quietly. “It’s fine. You can be here for what I need to do. Maybe it’ll even help you to feel better about me.”
I had no doubt that she would love to tell me that would never happen, but I didn’t give her the chance. The hand I had kept safely in my pocket all through the walk from the barber’s shop and through the confrontation with Courtney as well, came out. In the palm of my hand, I held a little black velvet box, and with it, in plain sight, I got down on one knee. I saw Courtney’s eyes widen as Fay gasped, her hands flying up to her neck and grasping the necklace she had hidden beneath her shirt.
“What are you doing?” Fay asked.
“Oh man, if you can’t tell, I must not be doing it right.”
“But you left,” she said confusedly, her eyes starting to fill up with tears again. “You said if I didn’t leave Ashville, it was over, and I haven’t changed my mind on that. So there’s no point.”
“You don’t need to change your mind. I’ve changed mine. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know what I was thinking all of those years ago when I left, and I don’t know what I was thinking when I drove you out of my house. All I know is that there’s nothing out there better than you. There’s no place, no person, nothing in the world better than you. And I love you. God, I love you so fucking much.”
“But we hardly know each other. It’s only been a little more than a month.”
“We know each other. It’s been a month and our whole lives. I’ve loved you for all of my life, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to keep on loving you for the rest of it. I’d like it very much if you would marry me, Fay Turner. I want you to be my wife.”
I popped the velvet box open and waited, every organ and blood vessel inside of me waiting to see what answer I would get before getting back to work. For a minute, I was sure she would say no. I’d been too much of a prick to deserve a yes from her, and she knew it. I had no right to even ask, but I had to do it. I had to know if there was a chance for me, even a small one, or else the rest of my life would be ruined.
“Yes.”
“Wait, what? Yes? Did you just say yes?”
“Yeah,” Courtney chimed in, her face as shocked as my insides felt. “Did you just say yes? Are you sure, Fay?”
“I’m sure,” she said in a sweet, wavering voice, her eyes never leaving my face. “And my answer is yes. I’ve loved you for all of my life, too, Neil Driscoll, and I can’t imagine marrying anyone else.”
Then she was in my arms, and Courtney was cheering, Courtney and Eli, too, who had followed me to the diner without me knowing. After ten years of fighting against it, I finally understood what home meant for me. It was Fay, and there was nothing else I could ever really need.
Epilogue: Fay
“Are you sure about this? You can always say no, you know that, right? It’s not like this is written in stone or anything.”
“Courtney! Come on now, you know I’m sure. Wouldn’t you be if I asked you? When we get to your and Eli’s wedding day, do you think you’ll just turn around and say no, never mind?”
“Hell no!” Courtney grinned, looking at me through the mirror while she made sure my veil was pinned properly into place. “Are you kidding me? We’ve been together since you two got engaged, and that’s been what, a year now?”
“Something like that, yes.”
“Exactly! If I can make something work for a year, there’s no way I’m giving it up. Besides, if there’s any chance that romance shit is legit, for me, it’s with Eli. And if you tell him I told you that, I’ll murder you and make it look like an accident.”
“Ha! Okay, your secret’s safe with me, I promise. Now would you get my locket?”
“Are you sure you want to wear that? You wear it every day, you know? Don’t you want to wear something extra special?”
“This is special,” I answered softly, fingering the smooth, worn metal as Courtney fastened it into place. “This is the most special piece of jewelry I have, and I can’t imagine getting married with anything else.”
“All right, if you say so, but why? Why is it so special to you, I mean?”
I smiled and thought back to my thirteenth birthday, so long ago, but so clearly imprinted in my memory that I was sure it would never fade at all. Neil had given me the locket for that birthday. He had walked from his house on the hill to my front door with locket in tow, sitting inside of a little velvet box very similar to the one he’d presented my engagement ring with.
My mother had answered the door and had retrieved me for the red-faced, nervous boy standing there and waiting for me. As Courtney led me to the vast backyard of Neil’s family home, the scene for our small wedding, I could still see that little boy version of Neil standing there and waiting for me. I could see him in the man that was waiting at the end of the aisle. He had waited until my mom had left the two of us alone and then he had shoved the box towards me, asking me if I would be his girlfriend at the same time.
“Do you, Fay, take this man, Neil, to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
“I do.”
“And do you, Neil, take this woman, Fay, to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“I do.”
“With the power invested in me by the state of Alaska, I now pronounce you man and wife. Neil, you may kiss your bride.”
As Neil leaned in and kissed me, kissed me as he officially made me his wife, I could still see that time so long ago when he had leaned forward and kissed me chastely after I had told him that I would love to be his girlfriend. I realized in that moment that he was still at least some of that little boy, while I was still some of that little girl. We were those versions of ourselves as well as the versions we were now, and we would be both and more as we went about the process of growing old together.
I kissed him back, and as he took me by the hand and led me down the aisle and back towards the massive house the two of us would live in now, I
thought I might have just caught the faintest glimpse of what it meant to love a person for the span of a lifetime. It was too big to hold onto, and I was sure that I would lose sight of it sooner rather than later, but in that moment. I felt that I understood everything. It filled my heart with joy.
“Follow me,” he said.
“Follow you where?”
My thoughts had been such that I had been paying more attention to what was in my head than to where I was going. When I looked up, I saw that he was in the process of leading me to the master bedroom. Over the course of the last year, Neil had seen to it that almost the whole interior of the house had been made over, and the master bedroom was now where we slept. It was a lovely room, and one I still felt grateful to be able to call my own, but I wasn’t too sure why we were going to it now. All of our friends were still downstairs, getting ready to party and celebrate our wedding, and our bedroom had nothing to do with that. Still, his fingers were intertwined with mine, and he was leading me towards the bed, his intentions suddenly crystal clear.
“But Neil, we can’t! There are people waiting for us down there!”
“Let them wait. I love you, Fay. I love you, and I want to show you that.”
The part of me that wanted to play a good hostess was anxious to fight him and insist that we go downstairs and save what he had in mind for later. But there was a whole other part of me that I wasn’t sure had even existed before this second relationship with Neil. In so many ways, it was a continuation of the relationship we’d been a part of for almost all of our lives. This was the part of me that wanted to let him love me, that wanted to love him back, and this was the part of me that won out.