by Sarah Tregay
I look down at my pajamas.
I’d been thinking about pancakes
smothered in maple syrup,
coffee with a swirl of cream—
not running.
I look out the kitchen window.
And think about the crisp morning,
wrapped in a blanket of new snow;
our footprints would be the only ones—
not a soul in sight.
“I’ll run,” I tell Danny. “One minute.”
I pull on sweats and sneakers.
And we step out into the cold,
already immersed in conversation,
about how breakfast will taste better
once we’ve earned it.
“And Dad?” I ask. “Sleeping in?”
“We shouldn’t wake him,” Danny says.
“I like these runs being just the two of us—
you and me getting to know one another.”
“So you don’t mind me complaining?”
“Not one bit.”
Report Card
Dad sits me down
on the couch
for a heart-to-heart
about my grades.
He wasn’t surprised
that I had pretty much failed
my classes here in Boise
because I had
spent 99 percent of the semester
in New Hampshire.
But he doesn’t want to see Ds
ever
again.
So I Make a Study Date with Katie
But she doesn’t show up.
Doesn’t answer her phone.
So I stomp over to her house.
“Katie’s at Linus’s practicing,” her mom says.
My best friend forgot about me?
And she’s hanging out with my ex-boyfriend!
I tromp to his place and lean on the bell.
Linus’s oldest brother answers, baby on his hip.
“Katie here?” I ask him.
“Huh?”
“Katie Raskolnikov? The girl in the band?”
“Who are you, anyway?”
“It’s me, Roland. Marcie.”
“Dammmn,” he drawls in slow disbelief
as he tilts his head and studies me.
“Can I come in?”
“No wonder Linus is totally bummed . . .
little Marcie’s a hottie.”
I half ignore him and clomp up the stairs.
The familiar notes of “Blister in the Sun”
greet me when I step into the bonus room.
Ian, Linus, and Katie don’t look up
from their instruments and Linus starts to sing,
“When I’m out walking I strut my stuff . . .
let me go on—” Linus stops midsentence.
“Big hands I—” Katie cuts the riff.
“Hi, Marcie,” Linus says.
“Oh my God!” Katie says.
“I’m so sorry. I forgot about you.”
Outside on the Thomases’ Front Steps Katie Reveals
“It is so hard, for me
to be in the middle of all of this.
Linus, Ian, and Angelo
are all calling you a selfish bitch.
So I, well, I—
I haven’t invited you over when they’re over—
and I can’t invite you
to hang out at the Thomases’.”
“Let me get this straight?
You’ve been hanging out
with the Leftovers,
without me?”
“We have to practice.”
“For what?”
“The talent show.”
I remember them doing that last year.
“And it’s weird because
Linus and Emily are
kinda going out.”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“No, I didn’t!” she shouts.
“He’s going out with Emily,
calling me a selfish bitch,
and you didn’t tell me?”
“Like you told me about breaking up with Linus?
Like you told me about kissing Prince Harry?
Like you tell me anything!”
“I wanted to—”
“But you didn’t.
Because you’re a
selfish bitch!”
I Gasp
“Oh God, oh God, oh—”
I shake her words off of me
and
run
all
the
way
home.
Katie follows me. I let myself in.
She pounds on the door. I lean against it.
“I’m sorry,” she explains.
“I didn’t mean it.” My shoulders shake.
“It just came out.” My eyes sting.
“Please, Marcie?
I’m sorry.” Sobs choke in my throat.
She sounds like she
wants to cry. I bury my cries
in the crook of my arm.
She dials her phone. The kitchen phone rings.
I run to my room.
I pull my pillow
over my head.
The House Is Quiet
When I wake up my room is dark.
I can see the red numbers on my clock,
the purplish glow of the neighbor’s porch light.
I stumble to the kitchen with the awkward steps
of a sleepwalker in search of Cheerios.
I eat them in front of the silent, gray TV, imagining
myself spilling my guts to millions of viewers
on a daytime confessional.
Linus, J.D., and Katie would all be there
pointing out every terrible thing I have done.
I couldn’t argue. They’d be right.
The host would stop for a commercial break.
“Don’t worry,” he’d say to the camera,
“we’ll be back with more selfish bitch,
right after this.”
That’s How Danny Found Me
wrapped in a blanket
with a bowl of congealed cereal
on my knees.
“Hey, Marcie,” he said when he came home from work.
“You don’t look so good.”
I shook my head,
wiped my nose on my sleeve.
He sat on the couch,
put his arm over my shoulders,
and pulled me to him.
Fat tears welled in my eyes
and fell on his shirt.
I Tell Danny
“My friends think I’m a selfish bitch.”
“Well,” Danny says,
“selfish isn’t a bad word.
It means ‘looking out for
your own interests.’
And, for how crazy life
gets sometimes,
that’s a good policy.”
“Come on, Danny,
you’re just trying to make me feel better.”
“Bitch, though. That’s a tough one.”
“I cheated on my boyfriend.
So I guess it fits.”
“Ah,” he says, like it all makes sense now.
“The male ego bruises easier than a overripe apricot.”
“I didn’t mean to do it.
I was lonely.
And I didn’t know
he loved me.”
“It sounds like both of you got hurt—
it’ll take some time to get over this.”
“Daddy says time and love
cure everything.”
“Don’t tell Ethan I said
this, but I think what
he means is time and understanding
cure everything.
It sounds like love started this mess.”
Loner
Wednesday,
I go through the cafeteria line
and buy myself milk
and a chocolat
e chip cookie
to go with the turkey sandwich
Dad made me.
Then I find a chair
at a mostly empty table
in the corner
because I can’t stand
the thought of sitting
with the Leftovers
while they call me names
in their minds.
Danny Suggested That I Try to Be Understanding
So, before the bell rings,
signaling the end of lunch,
I visit the Leftovers.
“Em, Linus, I know you don’t need my blessing,
but I wanted to let you know . . .”
Emily listens intently
while Linus pretends not to hear.
“. . . I’m okay with you two going out.
I understand that I haven’t been around,
and even though we just broke up,
we’ve really been apart for seven months.”
“You’re not mad?” Em asks.
“No,” I tell her, Linus, and everyone else.
“We broke up. I’m over him . . . you.”
He glances at me when I say “you,”
then away quickly,
as if the word stung his cheek.
“You sure?” Emily confirms.
“Yeah, I’m sure. You deserve Linus,
more than I ever did.”
Eight Seconds Later
Walking away,
I knew
I had said the right thing,
even if
Linus looked like
I dug his heart
out with a spoon.
Eight Hours Later
I feel like shit.
Being nice sucks.
I shouldn’t have done it.
I shouldn’t have gift-wrapped Linus for Emily.
I should have said,
“WAIT!
I’m not finished.
I’m not done.
I’ve got hormones pulsing in my veins,
a broken heart that hasn’t healed,
lonely arms that need someone to hold,
and a pair of lips that can’t forget That Kiss.
I need him.”
When I Was in New Hampshire
I wanted to come home.
But now that I’m home,
I miss the pine trees, the ocean, the winding roads. . . .
Okay. I’m lying.
I miss J.D.
And Mom.
Not that Dad isn’t cool about almost everything.
He’s a really good listener.
Not that Danny is an eyesore to eat breakfast with.
He can’t wait to teach me how to drive.
It’s just really weird getting to know two gay people,
when I’ve never had any gay friends.
I guess falling in love feels the same
for gay couples.
But I don’t even know
what falling in love feels like for me.
Much less anyone else.
My Best Friend Is Falling in Love
Katie and Angelo
look so darn cute holding hands,
walking to class,
kissing on the steps,
and finishing each other’s sentences
like a married couple.
I know for a fact
Katie and Angelo
have managed to get Sharpie marks
nearly everywhere.
I just wish
Katie and I were talking
again.
So I could live vicariously
and feel what it feels like
to fall
in love.
Mom Calls Me
“I got so bored in Durham,
I drove down to Boston,” she said,
like I didn’t already know
how boring it is in East Nowhere, New Hampshire.
“That’s great!”
“I parked my car at Greta’s and got a T-Pass for the week.
I’ve been to Newbury Street,
Faneuil Hall, and Quincy Market.
The Mary Baker Eddy Library has this Mapparium—
a three-story glass globe. . . .”
I hadn’t heard her sound so happy
since the day we went out for Chinese
in our party dresses.
I should have felt happy for her.
But part of me wished
I had been exploring Boston with her,
instead of being here
when she was there.
Talented
I didn’t pay much attention
to the winter talent show
posters in the halls.
I guess
Katie, Linus, and Ian
made the cut
because their band name,
The Leftover Lovers,
is in the program
that the student usher hands me
when I file into the auditorium
for a Friday afternoon assembly.
Four-Letter Words
Linus has
L O V E
written on the knuckles of his right hand
and
H A T E
written on his left.
Katie has
O V E R
written on the knuckles of her left hand
and
L E F T
written on her right.
Judging from the Roar of the Crowd
The Leftover Lovers
just won the winter talent show,
with a Bowling for Soup cover,
giving them the honor
of headlining
the Saturday night performance.
(Which means they can play
an entire set.)
I clap politely
as Linus, Katie, and Ian
hug, jump, and whoop onstage
but my heart isn’t in it.
The Saturday Show
is a sold-out event.
The auditorium is packed
with students, family, and friends.
Carolina, Emily, Olive, and I
squeeze into front-row seats
Garrett and Angelo
saved for us.
I sit on the end next to Garrett,
because part of me wants to be one of the Leftovers
and part of me knows I’m almost unwelcome.
Although we clap and cheer
for the other acts,
we’re really here to hear
a few Bowling for Soup
and Violent Femmes covers
by The Leftover Lovers.
The curtains open to Ian’s drumroll,
revealing Katie and Linus
center stage.
One mike.
Linus is in dark jeans, black Converse,
a hand-me-down Superman T-shirt,
and the faintest smudge of eyeliner.
Katie’s wearing a blue button-down, Doc Martens,
a Catholic schoolgirl skirt over thigh-high stockings,
and a black garter belt.
Angelo puts two fingers between his lips
and whistles.
Katie flips her pink-streaked hair
and blows him a kiss.
The crowd erupts in cheers.
Linus Looks So Cute
hiding his nervousness
behind his bangs
by pretending to watch
his fingers work the chords.
(But I know he can play “Blister” with his eyes closed.)
Then he looks up,
shakes his bangs out of the way,
and sings into the mike.
I’m not kidding you.
Girls screamed.
Midset
After “Blister in the Sun,”
they play two Son of Dork songs,
“Ticket Outta Loserville”