Cassidy stroked Alex’s cheek. The tide had turned once again. She sensed the urgency of their desire that lingered. Something far more powerful had risen to the surface. She kissed Alex lovingly and let her hand fall to Alex’s need. The warmth that greeted her stoked the fires of her arousal again. “Alex—”
“That’s what you do to me,” Alex replied. “Touching you.”
Cassidy led Alex to the bed. “Lie down.”
Alex did as she was told.
Cassidy straddled Alex’s hips and placed her hands on Alex’s breasts. She brought their bodies together intimately, savoring the warmth that passed between them. She welcomed the feel of Alex’s hands on her breasts again as they moved against each other. Still, she wanted more. She leaned in and kissed Alex’s lips gently. “I want to taste you.”
Alex was positive she would die. How did she end up underneath Cassidy? How did they land on the bed? She planned to take charge tonight.
A knowing smile graced Cassidy’s lips. “You’re not getting off that easy.” When Alex’s eyes flew open, Cassidy laughed. “That’s not what I meant,” she said. “But it also applies.”
Dear God. Alex tried unsuccessfully to swallow the lump in her throat. She had to remind herself to breathe when Cassidy settled above her shoulders.
“Do not let me come until you are ready to join me,” Cassidy told Alex.
Alex wasn’t worried about meeting that request. She was sure she would explode the moment Cassidy touched her.
“And, no coming until you feel me let go,” Cassidy said.
Shit. That could be a problem. Alex felt Cassidy’s tongue bathe her center in one long, languid stroke. That could be a very big problem. She pulled Cassidy close and teased her with a few breathy kisses. God, she’d missed Cassidy. She drank the woman she loved in—every texture, every sound, every scent, every touch—Alex lost herself in Cassidy. She moved a finger inside Cassidy and pumped steadily.
Cassidy followed Alex’s lead. She moved with Alex. She brought Alex to the precipice of release and pulled back, only to do it again. And again. And again. She intended to make them both crazy.
Alex pumped harder in and out of Cassidy, her tongue swirling around Cassidy’s center, toying with her clit on each pass. Cassidy’s orgasm descended without warning, tossing her about violently. Her hips bucked, and she fastened her mouth to Alex’s arousal. Muffled moans mixed with desperate breaths. Alex pulled away slightly to call out Cassidy’s name.
Cassidy gentled her exploration, allowing Alex to drift softly back to earth. She kissed Alex’s thigh, her belly, and methodically made her way back to Alex’s lips. “I did miss you,” she said.
“I love you, Cass.” Tears gathered in Alex’s eyes.
“It’s okay, Love. I know.”
“I want to give you everything. I’ve always wanted to give you everything.”
“You have,” Cassidy promised. She kissed Alex tenderly. “Je t’adore, Alex.”
“I wish we could stay here.”
“We can. Until tomorrow,” Cassidy replied lightly.
“I wish it could be longer,” Alex said. “Sometimes, Cass, I want you to myself. I want to hold you and never let go.”
Alex. “I know the feeling. You’re right. We need to make time for us—just us. That’s not something we’ve ever been good at doing. I need you,” Cassidy confessed. “I need us—Alex and Cassidy, not Mom and Momma or Cassie and Alexis. You. Me. This.”
Alex pulled Cassidy into her arms. “I’m scared.”
Cassidy closed her eyes. “Me too.”
“Not that something will happen to me,” Alex continued. “What we’ll find. Who we’ll find.”
Cassidy traced circles on Alex’s chest with a fingertip as she listened. Her fears differed from Alex’s. Little could surprise Cassidy.
“What if we stumble on something that changes everything?”
“Alex,” Cassidy called for Alex’s attention. “You will. That’s how this works. It’s how it has always worked. That’s inevitable. The truth has a way of making itself known sooner or later.”
“I don’t want it to hurt you again.”
Cassidy pulled away to look at Alex. “You can’t stop life from happening—or death. A million times. We’ve been over this a million times. You can’t protect me from everything that hurts. I love you for trying. I love you more than anything in this world, Alex. I’m not afraid of the past. I’m not afraid of discovering someone’s secret or uncovering a lie. There is only one thing that scares me. Losing you.”
“Cass—”
“I can’t help that, Alex. Some mornings, I don’t want to let you go. I want to hold you down and make you stay. I watch you walk out that door with that gun and I—”
“I’m sorry, Cass. I don’t want you to be afraid.”
“I know that. Most days, I’m aware. Not afraid. Aware. I can’t lie to you. I can’t bear the thought of never seeing you or holding you again. I know that one day, one of us will face that reality. Until then, I need this—this. I need time with you—only you. I don’t care if we talk all day and sleep all night or make love all night and sleep all day. Time is ticking, Alex. I feel it as much as you do. I see it with the kids, with Mom—when I look into the mirror.”
Alex smiled. “You’re more beautiful now than the day we met.”
“Always the romantic,” Cassidy quipped.
“No. I promise, Cass; we’ll make time. I’ll make time.”
Cassidy fell back into Alex’s arms with a sigh. “I want to do it all,” she confessed. “With you. I want to hear someone call you YaYa.”
“I don’t want to think about it. I’m not even fifty.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah. I do. You know, we might end up changing our grandkid’s diapers and chaperoning the twins’ field trips at the same time.”
“We might,” Cassidy agreed.
“Weird.”
Cassidy giggled. “I guess it is—a little.”
Alex yawned. “Je t’aime, Cass.”
“I love you too, Alex.” I love you too.
SUCEAVA, ROMANIA
“Pyotr tells me that you and Dimitri were friends.”
“I suppose that would depend on your definition of the word,” Claire responded.
“Fair enough. He was industrious if not imaginative.”
Claire wanted to respond, “he thought he was quite imaginative.” She held her tongue.
“You don’t agree?”
“That Dimitri Kargen was industrious or that he lacked imagination? That would also depend on your definition, and, perhaps, the situation. I doubt he would agree with the latter part of your assessment.”
“I’m certain. But he did—lack imagination.”
“He had a lot of ideas,” Claire replied. “About how to expand ASA’s influence, and Russia’s.”
“Ideas—yes. Yes, he had ideas. Expand the old to bring in the new,” Popescu said.
“Old as in aged or old as in tired?” Claire inquired.
“Both,” he replied.
“Pyotr told me he wanted us to discuss initiatives. His word.”
“Pyotr’s objective is the same as Dimitri’s was—expansion. That does not look as it once did.”
“You could have fooled me,” Claire commented.
“I doubt that you are easy to fool, Sparrow.”
Claire lifted her glass of wine to her lips. “Everyone plays the fool sooner or later, Mr. Popescu.”
“Fyodor.”
“Is that the name you go by?” she asked.
“The only one I’ve ever been given.”
Claire assessed his statement as truthful. He knew of her affiliation with the Collaborative, which meant he was embedded deeper than she’d initially thought, or someone wanted her to believe he held greater influence than he did. “Why are we here?” she asked pointedly.
“To have dinner,” he told her.
Claire remained stoic.
“We’re here to expand our initiatives.”
“We are or you are?”
“It’s Pyotr’s hope that you will be part of the equation.” He handed Claire a piece of paper.
Claire pushed the paper back. She’d just left Poland. Either this was an enormous coincidence or Pyotr Gregorovich knew she met with Filip Nowak. That would mean he was likely aware that Eleana had accompanied her. She needed to play this carefully. “Poland?”
“Something against the Poles?” he asked.
“Not at all. I was just in Poland. Spent some time with an old friend.”
“Beautiful country,” he replied.
Claire made no comment.
“Biocon and ASA work with many partners. One is in Krosno. That is where your initiative can begin. If you are so inclined.”
“You’ve told me nothing,” Claire said.
“I fed you. That is the beginning.”
“Did I pass?” she inquired.
“Pass?’
“Pyotr’s test.”
“You passed mine,” he said. Claire stood to leave, and he reached for her hand. “Do not think as your father or Dimitri once did. It was their downfall. To expand our interests requires a different weapon.”
Claire held his gaze steadily.
“Information, Sparrow,” he said. He let go of her hand and raised his glass. “Tell Ms. Baros I send my regards.”
A wave of nausea coursed through Claire.
“I met her once,” he said. “Years ago, through an old friend. Though, I doubt she would remember me. She is a woman that is hard to forget,” he observed.
Claire offered him a strained smile. “On that much, we agree.”
He winked. “If you find your trip to Poland of interest, we will speak again.”
“Enjoy your evening.”
“And, you, Claire. Though, alas, my company will be the rest of our wine. I’m afraid you have the advantage.”
Claire nodded. “Sip it slowly,” she suggested.
***
Claire entered the hotel room to find Eleana sitting by the window.
“How did it go?”
Claire threw her jacket over a chair. “You need to go home.”
“What?” Eleana snapped.
“Gregorovich knows you’re here. It’s not safe,” Claire said.
“Because of Gregorovich?” Eleana challenged her friend.
“Yes.”
“Is that the real reason you want me to leave?”
“Jesus Christ, El! Did you hear what I just said? Popescu offered me nothing. It was a test. He knew we were together in Poland. It’s not safe.”
“For whom?”
“What the hell?” Claire bit.
“For once, tell me the truth,” Eleana demanded.
“What the fuck?” Claire ran her hands through her hair. “Are you listening to me?”
“I heard every word. So? He knows I’m here. I’m sure you handled that with ease.”
“With ease? I played it off casually. That’s what I do. Don’t you think he wonders why you are here with me?”
“So, you’re worried my presence might jeopardize your chance to gain Pyotr Gregorovich’s trust?”
“I’m worried about you!” Claire yelled.
“Here I am. In one piece. Don’t you think if I suddenly leave, he’ll know that? Don’t you think that might compromise us both?”
Claire grabbed Eleana’s bag and threw it onto one of the beds. “Pack it.”
“No.”
Claire stared at her former lover. “Fine. I’ll pack it.”
Eleana grabbed the bag and threw it onto the floor. “Stop.”
“What are you doing?” Claire bit. “I’m not losing you again!”
Eleana froze.
“I can’t,” Claire said. “I can’t bear it. Don’t ask me to.”
Eleana closed the distance between them.
“Please, El. Go home. Please.”
“I can’t. I can’t leave now. Not yet.”
“Please,” Claire’s voice cracked with desperation. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“Claire.”
Claire refused to look at Eleana.
“Look at me. Claire, look at me.”
Claire lifted her eyes.
“I love you,” Eleana said plainly. “Maybe everything has changed. That never will—no matter what you choose—no matter what I choose. I can’t pretend that’s not true. It might look different now than it once did. I still love you.”
Tears streamed down Claire’s cheeks. “Please,” she requested. “Go home. Let Jonathan take care of you. Let—”
“I don’t need anyone to take care of me,” Eleana said. “Not Jonathan or you. That’s your problem. You still think I’m that innocent little girl at school.”
“No. I don’t.”
“You do.”
“No,” Claire said. “No.” She reached out and trailed her knuckles over Eleana’s cheek. “I know who you are,” she said. “I’ve always known. I see you, El. You don’t think I can. I see you. I see the strongest, most sincere and beautiful woman I will ever know. That’s who I see. I also see the person I love more than anyone—the person I’ve always loved.” Claire took a deep breath. “The person I have hurt more than anyone, and I’ve caused a lot of pain, El. A lot of pain for people I love. I can’t bear that again either. I don’t want to be that person anymore.”
“You aren’t that person, Claire. You never were. Not really.”
“But I was,” Claire disagreed. “I thought it would keep me from the pain of attachment. All it did was break everything and everyone I cared for into pieces. You, most of all. I do love you. I still love you. If you want to know the truth, there is nothing I want more than to love you. I can’t.”
“Maybe not the same way,” Eleana agreed. “But you can. It isn’t easy for me either,” she said. “I called Jonathan when you left.”
Claire nodded.
“I told him I had some news. He asked me, Claire—about you. I told him the truth. I always tell him the truth. I love him.”
“I know.”
“I am committed to our life together.”
“I know.”
“But I love you too.”
“El, you—”
“He knows that, Claire. Everyone knows. Everyone we love knows what neither of us has been able to admit to the other. We parted and pretended that meant it would all stop—the hurt and the need, the love we’ve always shared. You have always kept me at an arm’s length. I need you to let me in,” Eleana said. “We may not be lovers, Claire. God knows, part of me wants that.”
Claire swallowed hard.
“Part of me does,” Eleana confessed. “I know that’s not what is meant for us now. I need you in my life. More than I need anyone. I need you. More than that, I need you to let me love you—for once, let me love you. I’ve always felt it—your love. Even when it cut me to shreds. I felt it. You have never once let yourself believe that I love you.”
Claire smiled. “I feel it,” she said. “I don’t deserve it.”
“You do,” Eleana said. “I wish you would accept that you deserve to be loved. You are loved, Claire. Not just by me. Please, stop pushing me away. You think you’re protecting me. You have never understood that all that pushing—all of it—leaving, your recklessness, your aloofness, even Elliot—”
“El, if I could take that back—”
“You can’t. You can’t take any of it back. Neither can I.”
“You?”
“Maybe if I’d pressed harder. Maybe if I’d been stronger—demanded that you listen to me. Maybe if I’d pressed about your mother, and—”
Claire pulled Eleana into her arms. “Oh, El, no. No. You were always there for me. Always.”
Eleana’s body quaked with pain. She sobbed in Claire’s arms.
“No,” Claire whispered. “The only reason I made it this far is you,” she said. “Please, do
n’t cry. I hate it when you cry. Please.”
“It’s not fair,” Eleana said.
“No, it’s not.” Life wasn’t designed to be fair. It was constructed to be experienced, even felt—there was never a guarantee it would be fair.
Eleana held onto Claire. “Don’t ask me to leave.”
“I won’t ask you again.”
“Will you do something for me?”
“Anything.”
“Hold me tonight, Claire. Just hold me—like when we were kids.”
Claire led Eleana to the bed. She opened her arms and let Eleana nestle against her.
“Do you ever wonder?” Eleana asked.
“About what?”
“If things had been different. If our lives were like other people’s—could it have been us?”
Claire understood the cryptic question. Could they have built a life together? Would they be welcoming a baby together? What would their normal be if everything had been different? She’d like to claim that she never considered alternative lives. What was the point? Not long ago, that would have been her answer. Everything had changed—everything including Claire. When Eleana told her she was pregnant, Claire had the fleeting fantasy that the news was meant for her. She never lied to Eleana. She held Eleana close and replied. “All the time, El. All the time.”
CHAPTER NINE
WASHINGTON DC
It had been a few years since Jane Merrow ventured into the bowels of the Pentagon. The place conjured painful memories. It was dark. Not that the lighting was poor; it was a place where half-truths and deception hung in the air like a dense fog. It made her shiver. She walked silently, looking straight ahead. Everything looked remarkably the same in this place. She entertained the notion that was because deception required the ordinary to succeed. Sameness and conformity were comforting to most people. People chose to exist in a world that consisted of shades of gray. It made life easier to navigate. In that world, one could always find their way to the black and white answers they craved. These hallways, with their gray walls and cement floors left Jane cold. For all its complexities, challenges, and even its pain, Jane preferred the world she traversed—an array of blues, golds, greens, reds, mixed with the stark white and black most people chose to grasp.
Tate broke the silence. “Been a while.”
“It has.”
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