by Jude Ouvrard
It’s 7:45am and it appears everyone wants breakfast in Spokane or maybe it’s because it’s payday. It’s so busy and I can barely keep up with my orders. When it is this busy, I write everything down because I don’t want my mind to play tricks on me.
Since I moved into my apartment three weeks ago, my life has been quite enjoyable. Abbey and Logan have their privacy back and I enjoy mine. My return to town has been quite dramatic but now, I’m taking everything easy and each day starts with a smile. Well, at least, I try to.
“Lilly, your order is up for table 4.”
I roll my eyes. Lennox. He has been eating here every few days. While he always looks and smells great, he never really talks to me. I mean, he gives me his order but he keeps it short. Since I woke up with him holding me in his arms, everything changed. The night before, I had drunk too much alcohol and I promised myself not to let it happen again. Remembering I was sick right in front of him and that he had to undress me is so embarrassing. When Lennox explained to me the following morning, he was very distant. I guess he was completely disgusted with me. But why was he holding me? Yes, I had a nightmare—the type of nightmare that gives you nightmares because of how bad it was.
Oh well… every time I’m around him, I try not to think about that night, it’s just too embarrassing.
I grab his eggs and grapefruit and walk toward his table. His green eyes are watching me closely, just like every time he eats here. Sometimes he comes with his colleague but not today. He’s not even wearing his uniform. If he isn’t working, I wonder why he isn’t still in bed, which is where I would be.
“Bon appétit!”
He nods. “Thank you.” No smile.
I turn to leave his table but I’m actually pissed off that he shows up here every once in a while, that I live on the second floor of his building and he can’t even talk to me. He used to be a lot friendlier with me. If he wants me to move out, I will.
Without thinking too much, I go back and face him.
“Do you want me to move out of your apartment?” My tone has some kind of attitude to it. My own fierceness surprises me.
He has his coffee cup to his lips and he coughs.
“What makes you think I want you to move out?” I can tell he didn’t expect me to face him.
“You come here two to three times a week, you sit in my section but you never talk to me. You just stare at me. I live twenty stairs away from you and yet, you always avoid me. What have I done to you?”
He places his coffee mug back on the table. “I don’t think here is the right place to have this conversation but I have no intention of asking you to move out.”
What’s his problem?
“I’m very busy too, as you can see, but we’re going to have this conversation today.”
He smiles and agrees.
I wonder how many doses of courage Zoe put in my coffee this morning. I don’t remember being brave like this, ever.
“I’ll pick you up at six tonight.”
“Pick me up? To go where?”
He sighs. “To talk, Lilly.”
“This isn’t a date.”
He chuckles and looks at me in disbelief. “Call it whatever you want, I’ll pick you up at six.”
“Deal.”
I turn around again and head back to the kitchen to get my other orders. I’m trying to ignore the fact that my heartbeat is going faster and faster as I realize that Lennox is picking me up to go on an unofficial date. I don’t know what to make of it because deep down, I know I’m doing better but I’m still far from being ready to be with someone. Wow! Hold on now, Lilly. Who said anything about dating Lennox? He just wants to talk to me because I asked if he wants to kick me out. Not exactly in that wording but that’s what I meant.
He probably wants to talk about that morning, after I got drunk. It was… frightening and then strange. I can’t think about this. I had so many weird dreams that night.
“Are you okay, Lills?” Zoe asks.
“I’m fine.” I laugh embarrassed. “Some old memories just popped in my head and it distracted me for a second.”
“Yeah, it happens to me all the time. My mind is like a constant distraction. It’s also called ADHD.”
“Oh, right. My brother is ADHD too.”
“At least, you can understand why I can’t seem to ever fucking stop. If I could at least control it.”
I laugh because my brother has no control whatsoever until he takes his medication. “I know how it is, honey. I completely understand.”
“Do you know that guy, the sergeant?”
I nod. Where do I start? I’ll give her the simple explanation. “He’s my brother’s best friend and my landlord.”
“Such a boring story. I thought you were going to tell me something fun or juicy about him.”
My face probably flushes bright red. Maybe I should mention that he used to be my number one crush but I don’t want to mix my personal life with work. I feel like my connection with Lennox Love is so much deeper than that. Since he was the one taking care of the restraining order, it seems like he knows me more than anyone else does. Maybe he does.
I’m afraid to love you. I remember that dream because it keeps coming back. Lennox is part of it. I’m running and running but everything around me is in slow motion. I push to run faster as I see Dave closing in to me. As soon as he reaches me, I fall into the arms of Lennox and he rescues me. He watches over me, protects me but I keep saying I’m afraid to love you. Someday, I’ll have to do some research and find out what it means. There is no way I can run that fast in reality and I really am afraid to love again.
Will I ever love again? I don’t know.
“Lilly.” Lennox startles me. “I left the money on the table. I’ll see you at six.”
I’m afraid to love you.
“Thanks, Love. I mean, Love as in Lennox Love.”
Damn it, Lilly.
He shakes his head, laughing at me. “Alright, McCarthy as in Lilly McCarthy.” Leaving the diner, clearly making fun of me, I try to be angry with him but I can’t. Lennox makes me nervous and when I’m nervous, I babble.
“Be careful, girl, he is clearly into you.”
Now, it’s my turn to laugh. “No way.” Lennox probably has a couple of girls on the side. I mean, come on, he’s cute. I mean, hot. There is no way he is into me, right? “No way.”
“See, you were still thinking about it, adding up the facts. He is into you and he’s picking you up at six,” she laughs and I can’t help but smile. She is so giddy.
“Wear something sexy,” she whispers in my ear.
Is this really happening? I think so and I know I really have to get going because I have tables to attend. Getting in trouble is really not a good idea at the moment. It’s only been four weeks since I started working here so I’m still the new girl.
By 6pm, I'm ready and waiting. Since I have no idea where he is taking me, I decide to put on a pair of black pants with a loose black top. My hair is down and my make-up is very minimal. I like to keep things simple. Lennox has known me since I was a small kid so I don’t feel like I need to show off. He knows who I am so no need to play games.
Small knocks echo at the front door. Will he just come in or should I open the door for him? Well, it doesn't look like he is coming in.
Opening the door, I see him and it’s such a nice sight. He is clean-shaven, his hair is styled and he's wearing dark jeans with faded bits on his thighs and a black shirt.
"Right on time! Well it’s not like you had to face traffic or anything." I laugh because I think I'm funny but he just smiles.
"Ready?"
I nod. He takes my hand and I immediately tense up. He takes me by surprise and it confuses me as to what is this non-official date about. He closes my door behind me and pulls me toward his door.
"After you, miss," he says after pushing his door open.
Is he seriously taking me out on a date to his place? Really? Well that’s
not very original but at the same time, it means he wants some intimacy. I’m lost, so lost. Maybe Zoe is right after all.
I walk inside and everything is exactly the same as I remember.
"Do you want something to drink?" He waits a few seconds. "I have water, soda, wine or beer."
"Wine, please."
While I stand awkwardly in the middle of his place, he goes to the kitchen to fetch us a drink. There is some music playing in the background and I try to focus on it to calm down but I’m not sure it’s working. My heads sweaty and I’m wondering if I should fake an illness or something.
"Here, do you want to sit on the couch or in the kitchen?"
"The couch."
Can this be any weirder? I don’t think so.
We both sit and keep quiet as we take a sip of our wine.
"I brought you here because I want you to be comfortable. If for whatever reason you want to leave, you can. Okay?" I nod. "That night." He watches me and waits to see if I'm following him. "You were... you had too many drinks and I might have influenced you when I offered you that drink. After that, everything spiraled out of control, almost catastrophic. I offered to take you home because everybody else was having fun and had too much to drink."
"Okay but that doesn't explain why you’ve barely said two words to me since. Did I do or say something to upset you?"
He sighs. "Let me explain."
"Yes, sorry. I interrupted you."
"I don't care that you were sick for half an hour in the parking lot but when you got home I had to undress you and…umm...it wasn't easy. You are very pleasing on the eye, you know, but I was afraid that I was crossing a line. I did it all in the most professional way I could. After that, I decided to let you sleep alone. You seemed fine. Then you started coughing, choking and fighting against whatever or whoever was in your dreams. I tried to wake you up but failed. You eventually calmed down after a couple of minutes but you were shaking and I hated seeing you like that. You whispered my name and it completely beguiled me. I lost a battle within me. The one of staying away from you. Holding you, protecting you from your demons made me feel like I could bring something good into your life." He stops and gives me a small shy smile. "Until you woke up and almost ran through the damn window because that’s how scared you were. It crushed me and made me realize I had to step away from your life until you could trust me."
"But why were you coming to the diner and almost ignoring me?"
It takes him minutes before he moves again.
"This is the part where you might want to step away. I did that because I wanted to make sure you were doing well, not letting the past hold you back and because I wanted to show you that I cared without pressuring you into anything."
I don’t understand. What is he saying exactly?
"Pressuring me? I... I'm not sure I’m following you here."
He stands up only to sit right back down where he was sitting in the first place.
"I want the best for you, I want to protect you. It's killing me when I hear you screaming in your sleep and sometimes you even call my name. I want to be the one to show you that love without pain exists."
"Lennox, I'm flattered… I truly am but I’m nothing but trouble. If you had told me that three years ago, I would have jumped right in but now, you saw what he did and you know all the details. You’re the only who knows how bad it was. Being with me will not be fun. I flinch whenever someone touches me unexpectedly. My nights are filled with nightmares. I’m only now starting to see the light and feel like myself again. I’m nowhere near ready to be with someone. If I was not damaged and living a normal life, I would throw myself at you.” He blushes. “I’m afraid…”
“To love me, I know.”
How… how can he know that?
“You’re afraid to love me because an asshole traumatized you and showed you the worst possible side of being with someone. I’m not like that. Never in my life, would I hit a woman or be disrespectful.”
I know he would never be like Dave.
“You’re a good man, Lennox. I have no doubt but I can’t be that person in your life. I need to take care of myself and I have to do this alone.”
He groans. “You said it yourself that you would throw yourself at me. Why does Dave have to ruin everything that could be good in your life? By pushing me away, he wins, Lilly. He gets what he wants. You and the fact that you can’t get over him.”
His words are pushing my buttons.
“I am not HIS and I AM over him. I’m just not over what he did to me. There is a huge fucking difference, Lennox.”
He chuckles. “That was actually sexy as hell.” I want to slap him for making fun of me but I’m not like that. That would make me like Dave. “I’m sorry. I don’t think it is fair to you that your mind is blocking your heart from loving and being loved.”
I hate to say it but I know he’s right. I wish things could be this easy but they aren’t. I finish my wine, place the glass on the small table and stand up.
“I think I’m going to go now.”
“No… just stay here for the night. Let me show you what it could be like.”
I shake my head, refusing. I don’t need to stay here to know how it would be.
“I already know how nice you can be, Lennox. I just need to process everything and sleep on it.”
“Can I add something more? You know so it makes your decision easier?”
I nod and exhale at the same time. This situation is getting out of hand and I don't like how he is confronting me. I know one day he'll be an excellent husband and father but it won't be with me. I can't be that person to him. I’m avoiding his eyes because mine are lost in tears. Hurting him was never my intention when I agreed to meet with him but I am now or will be.
Everything is going so fast, his hand on the small of my back, pressing me against him, his chest. Both my arms fall to the side of my body because I don't know what to do with them.
And... and... his lips are on mine. Completely shocking me. I remember how many times I prayed for that moment when I was a teenager and now this is happening and I want to push him away but I don't. I don't push him away. I let him kiss me and when I think he's going to pull away, I kiss him back with all the fear inside of me. I grip his shirt and hold him hard. I kiss him and it doesn't feel so bad. It doesn't scare me so much.
What's happening to me? What's happening to everything I've been telling myself?
I kiss him again, feeling his soft lips, tasting the wine mixed with all of him. His cologne is imprinting my clothes and our bodies are colliding perfectly.
What is this?
This is not supposed to be like this.
CHAPTER EIGHT
The kiss
That kiss deserves a fucking trophy. A ten out of ten. It’s perfect and now that she’s kissing me back, I’m not letting her go. Her rosy lips are asking for more, answering to mine. Devouring me. She loves this.
“Lennox, I can’t… wait.” She pulls away. Her face flushes and I can see how fast her heart is beating by the vibration of her jugular. “I have to walk Sugar, I need air.”
She turns around and leaves me without looking back.
“Fuck.” My hands turn into fists.
“Fuck, I should have known better than to push it.” I say out loud. “She kissed me back, right?” Trying to make sense of what just happened, I can’t stop thinking about how her lips felt on mine.
I start pacing around the house, not sure about what to do. It’s only 6:30pm. She was only here for thirty minutes. Her door closes for a second time since she left. Curious, I look through the window to see if she really is walking Sugar.
“Turn around, Lilly, turn around.” If she does, I’ll know she cares. “Turn around, just once. Please.” I’m starting to believe that I’ve ruined everything even though that kiss was worth a million dollars. I would pay that amount for a second one anytime.
She takes a peak over her shoulder and sees me.
Our eyes lock. She gasps and I see a tear rolling down her cheek. Why is she crying? Did I do this to her? Yes. I’m an asshole. When she sees the pain in my eyes, she starts walking and I’m afraid I won’t get to see her pretty face anymore. Letting her go now can change everything. I have to talk to her and try to make it right.
. Not a day in my life, will I forget this moment…not a day in my life, will I regret that kiss…ever.
Running behind her, I call her name. “Lilly, wait.”
She stops dead in her tracks.
“What do you want, Lennox?” The trembling in her voice tells me that there is more to this than a single tear.
“I’m sorry that I kissed you, my goal wasn’t to hurt you. What I’m saying is that… shit…my intention was only to show you what could be. I…eh…I don’t regret that kiss.” With me, it could always be that good if only she could see it.
She picks up Sugar in her arms. “Lennox, you make me even more confused. I’m so afraid to love again that I find every little reason to stop me from doing it. Your little show before has completely fucked with my head. I’ve been crushing over you since I was old enough to know what feelings are. Dave ruined that part of my life. The part where I get to live happily ever after with the perfect husband because I’m scared that the minute we’re official, it’ll change. I’ve been hurt enough, Lennox, physically and emotionally.”
By the time, she is done, she’s screaming at me with tears covering both of her cheeks.
I get closer to her and she’s not backing away. I take Sugar in my hands because she’s so upset she could drop her. Watching me carefully, she wipes her tears away. She’s waiting for me to say something back and I will. I’m not going to let her go without a fight.
“Let me ask you something. What are you afraid of with me? Do you think I would do this to you, to your brother, your family? You’ve been used and abused enough for an entire lifetime. The images from your bruises and the words you’ve spoken haunt me, all the damn time. I want you to trust me. Do you think you can? What does your heart say?”
“I can’t tell you, Lennox, because… I’m scared.” She’s sobbing and I can see people looking at us. I don’t want her past exposed. She has said enough and so have I. With my thumb, I brush away her new tears and cup her chin. We stare at each other without any spoken words. Right at this moment, I feel like she’s letting me see her. Her walls are no longer made of steel but glass.