Not Afraid to Love You (Ink Series - Spin Off Book 1)

by Jude Ouvrard

  “How is that supposed to make me feel better? He almost killed her and she’s in the hospital now.”

  “I know. He left her everything he owns. Money doesn’t help healing but from what I saw in the papers, he wanted her as his sole heir. Of course, the papers are going to be transferred to his lawyer but your girlfriend probably inherited a lot of money.”

  Matthew told me about Dave’s job. He also told me how big his house was. To be honest, by the look of her engagement ring, I knew that asshole had a shitload of cash. How am I supposed to tell her about this now? Hey, sweetheart, remember the asshole that almost killed you? Well, you just inherited everything he owned because I killed him. How ironic? Can this day end with some good news, please?

  “Knowing her as well as I do, she won’t want any of it.” She hates him so much that no amount of money will change that.

  He chortles. “Maybe she won’t but it’ll still be hers.” Right!

  Starting to feel antsy, I have one thing on my mind and it’s to get back to her again. “Can I go now? My place is with her, she needs me and I’m not there.”

  “Of course. Lilly is very lucky to say the least.”

  “She is.”

  “Wait, Eastwood. How are you feeling?”

  If only I knew what to say. I’m a walking disaster. Every second that goes by feels like the last. I’m on edge. “I don’t know. I might need a few days off.”

  “Of course.” He taps and holds my shoulder in compassion. “Take a week off and try to get back on track with everything. Under the circumstances of what’s happened to you and Lilly, it’s not a problem.”

  “Thank you.” A week to try and settle back into normal life and to move her stuff into my apartment. Maybe I should just get away from here for a few days. I can’t think about this now while she’s in a hospital bed. “I have to go, I’m sorry.”

  With that, I leave the station almost running to my car. I miss her and the more I miss her, the more anxious I get. I’ll never forget the vision I had of her last night. I need to see her alive in order to stop imagining her lifeless.

  I’m a mess. That’s no secret.

  Is this nightmare in my mind, the result of killing Dave? If yes, maybe I should have let him get the first shot. No, I’m not making sense. I did it for Lilly’s sanity at the price of mine.

  What the fuck am I going to do now?

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  The shed

  Something has changed.

  At first, I thought it was because of the rehabilitation with my throat situation but I’ve managed to say a few words and the doctors are optimistic. So am I. Lennox, on the other hand, has been absent. What I mean is that he’s right here but his mind seems to be miles away and I can’t reach out to him anymore.

  I tried talking to him about it but he keeps his feelings to himself and pretends to be fine. It normally lasts a couple of hours before he spaces out again. What I’m about to do is my last option, until he talks to me again… or to someone else.

  I agreed to move into his apartment with him as soon as the hospital discharged me. In my heart, I knew it was the right thing to do and I don’t regret my decision. Maybe he does. I have no idea because he’s not talking to me. He’s not talking to anyone. My brother called me yesterday because he hasn’t returned his calls in three days.

  Walking inside the therapist’s office, I don’t have a good feeling since I’m still having a hard time talking. My voice is hoarse and barely audible. The red marks are mostly gone but I’ve started wearing scarves to hide them. Dave took everything with him. I know longer feel the butterflies or tingles of excitement. He took them all.

  I see the therapist’s diploma on the light grey walls. Logan said he was the one to see for Lennox’s situation. I have to trust him.

  “Hi, I have an appointment with Greyson Emery. Logan Hadley sent me here.”

  “Yes, Hadley called to make sure you had an appointment. Dr. Emery will be with you shortly. You can sit in the waiting area.”

  “Thank you.” My voice barely came out at all. Thankfully, I prepared a few sheets of notes in case my voice doesn’t co-operate. Sitting in the waiting area, I’m asking myself if I’m doing the right thing. Maybe I’m crossing the line but I like to think that I’m doing this for his wellbeing.

  Lost in my thoughts, I try to think about other things, nothing Dave related. I think about when we were in Seattle and saw how extremely happy he was. He had so much desire for me and for life. He put everything into our kisses and the way he made love to me. Since all this happened, he has not even been near me. Sometimes he’ll kiss my forehead or temple but that’s it. He doesn’t sleep at night and stays in the living room, in the dark. Then during the day, he will pass out for a few hours.

  I need to get my Lennox Love back.

  “Miss McCarthy?”

  “Hi, Dr. Emery.”

  “Follow me.” I follow him. He’s tall and looks like a bodybuilder. Not really what I expected from a therapist. “You can sit here or on the couch or wherever you’re comfortable.”

  “Thank you.” I choose the chair next to his. Everything looks comfortable and inviting. It’s not exactly how I thought it would look in my mind. It’s better. I feel at ease.

  “What can I do for you?”

  “Logan Hadley recommended that I talk to you regarding what happened in my life recently.” He nods.

  Why doesn’t he ask me questions?

  Is it supposed to be like this?

  I thought he asks questions and I answer them…apparently not.

  “So, I was in an abusive relationship for the past two years and I recently decided to leave. Maybe I should specify that I ran away.” Taking the water bottle from my bag, I drink some to ease my throat. Still no questions. “I moved in with my sister and her boyfriend, it was rough, I’m not going to lie. I struggled and had a hard time living a normal life again. In the meantime, I met my brother’s friend who also happened to be my high school crush. I know it sounds like an episode of Beverly Hills 90210, the first generation.”

  Shit, what am I talking about now?

  “Anyway, things started to get serious between us and we spent two days in Seattle. On our return home, Lennox, my boyfriend, had to go to the station. He’s a Sergeant.” I take a deep breath and hope that my voice can handle it. I never really talked about it with anyone yet. “So I was alone and my ex-boyfriend was there. He nearly killed me, hit my sister and fought with Logan. Then he escaped, Lennox ran after him and shot him dead.” To wash away the emotion coming to me, I drink some more water. “That’s why I’m here. Lennox is different. He doesn’t talk or do anything at all. He doesn’t sleep at night and when he does, I can hear him fighting against his nightmares. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried talking to him on many occasions. He always pretends he’s all good but it never lasts. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

  “How are you feeling?” Can his voice be any more cold? I’m shivering.

  I’m not here for me. I don’t have time for this. My voice isn’t strong enough. “I’m okay. I’m hanging in there.”

  “How have you been dealing with the sudden death of your ex-boyfriend?”

  My hands are turning clammy and my heart is beating faster. “I try not to think about it for now. I never thought I would have to face a situation like this. My boyfriend killed my ex-boyfriend because he tried to kill me. That’s all I can say about it, I’m not feeling any emotion about this.”

  “Suppressing your emotions is only going to delay your healing process and you’re going to have to deal with it one way or the other.”

  I nod. I know all of this but it feels like my mind isn’t ready yet. “I went to the cemetery two days ago. I saw his name on the stone and I didn’t feel a single thing. I just stood there and looked at it. I’m relieved that he isn’t going to hurt me or anyone else ever again but death is the end of a life. I’m not there yet. I know he’s permanently
gone and at the moment, it doesn’t sadden me or make me happy.”

  “Uh huh.” He hums.

  “In fact, I’m here for Lennox. I’m looking for help for him and thought that maybe you could recommend things for me to try.” My voice is now barely a whisper.

  “Apart from his sleeping habit, what else has changed since the event?”

  “His appetite. He barely eats anything. It looks like he might have lost ten pounds, at least. He only showers if I tell him to. He wasn’t like that before. He was always a proud man who loved to take care of people and loved being around people. His job meant everything to him but lately, he hasn’t mentioned anything about it. They gave him two weeks off but I don’t see him going back to work anytime soon.”

  Taking notes on his pad of yellow papers, Dr. Emery isn’t saying or asking any more details. I’m waiting for him to say something for once.

  I wait longer.

  “You should know that I’m unable to give a diagnosis if I haven’t met the patient but I’ve dealt with many military men and woman suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, P.T.S.D. and it might be that Lennox is too. Do you think you can bring him here tomorrow?”

  No, I don’t think I’ll be able to alone but I’ll ask Matthew if I have to.

  “Yes, what time?”

  “3 pm. Does that work for you?”

  “Yes. Thank you.”

  “My advice for you is to have a weekly session. I think it will make a difference for both of you. You’ve faced many obstacles in your short life and you can’t keep doing what you do without it having an effect. I understand your concern for Lennox but you must take care of yourself too.”

  “Okay, yeah. A weekly session might help me deal with my issues.” My voice is breaking and no amount of water will save me from this. It’s time to go home. “I’ll be here tomorrow at three.” I get up and he follows me to the door. “Thank you.”

  Leaving the therapist’s office, I’m not sure he really gave me any advice but I do have another appointment tomorrow. I have no idea how I’m going to approach him but I’ll have to find a way. Before heading home, I stop at the diner. I won’t be able to talk but I want to see Mrs. Layton and Zoe. They bring so much joy to my life. To be honest I’m also stopping by for Mrs. Layton’s Steak and Philly cheese sandwich and apple pie. I would buy anything right now to stop my stomach growling at me. I’ll buy Lennox’s the same and just hope that he’ll eat some of it. I sigh.

  As soon as I enter the diner, my eyes fall to the table Lennox normally sits at and other police officers fill the seats. He should be sitting with them, the force is where he belongs, not moping around at home. I miss seeing him, strong and proud in his uniform. He’s hot and so goddamn sexy with it.

  Both officers salute me. They know who I am.

  “Lilly?”

  I turn around at the sound of Mrs. Layton’s voice. “Hi.” I murmur with the very last of my voice.

  “How are you doing, honey?” She asks and I can see the concern in her eyes.

  Giving her a shy smile, I reach for my pad and I let her know I’m doing better.

  “I’m so happy to see you here. We’ve missed you and can’t wait to have you back.”

  “Soon, I hope.” I mouth the words to her.

  “How’s Mr. Eastwood doing?”

  I shrug. Obviously, she doesn’t know everything that went down between us before the shooting. On my pad, I give her a short resume of what happened and what I have to deal with now. Tears run down her cheeks as she reads my words.

  “I knew you were going to find someone. You’re a gorgeous young woman and Lennox is a great man.”

  I agree with her, Lennox is a great man. Chuckling quietly, I add some more to my pad and hand it to her.

  She starts laughing. “You think my Steak and Philly cheese can do miracles, don’t you?” Her arms wrap around me in a warm hug. The type of hug only a mom can give. It feels so good and I’m more than thankful to have Mrs. Layton in my life. “I’ll get everything ready for the two of you. I’m so sorry you have had to go through this, honey.”

  I’m sorry too.

  Forty-five minutes later, I get home with my hands full of food. It’s mouth-watering and I can no longer wait before devouring my sandwich.

  “Lennox, I’m home.” I say as loud as I can but I don’t hear anything back. “Lennox?” Immediately, I start panicking. I search through the rooms and I can’t find him anywhere. At last, I check in the backyard and I see him standing near the shed. Shit. The shed is where he saw Dave for the first time. “Lennox, I’m home.” My attempt to distract him fails. He doesn’t move or acknowledge my existence. Pushing harder to reach out to him, I meet him at the shed. It’s as if he’s watching a ghost. There is really nothing to be looking at for so long.

  “What are you doing, Lennox?”

  He exhales loudly and walks behind the shed. “He was hiding right here, sweetheart. He almost killed you and he hid here.”

  “He did, Lennox.” His eyes move down to mine, being a few inches shorter than he is. “What’s the matter?”

  “Then, I left you alone and ran after him with my gun. I’ve never run that fast in my life. All my anger and hate pushed me to run faster until I reached him. I ordered him to put his gun down. At least three times, but he didn’t listen. He laughed, he had no fear whatsoever. Instead, he moved his gun toward me, so I shot him. I killed Dave.”

  “You saved me and most likely, many other women, from his actions.”

  “I killed him, took his life. I can’t see an end to this.”

  For the first time, he’s openly talking about it so I seize the opportunity to ask him about counselling.

  “Maybe you should talk to someone who can help you, Lennox. I’m not a professional, I’m your girlfriend. I love you with all my heart but I don’t have the knowledge to save you from this.”

  “I… I don’t think I’m good enough for you.”

  His words hurt me deep down in my mind, heart and stomach. I think I’m going to be sick. “Wha… What are you saying exactly, Lennox? Are you asking me to leave you? Are you breaking up with me?” I can’t tell if he hears my voice anymore, there’s no reaction.

  “You should leave, Lilly. You deserve better. Find a man who’ll be your husband and father of your kids. I can’t be that man. We can’t be together, anymore.”

  I want to scream, cry, and ask him for an explanation. “You. Are. My. Better.”

  “You’re a beautiful woman, Lilly. You’ll find some…”

  Groaning and hurting my throat. “Shut up, Lennox. You’re not doing this. You could be suffering from P.T.S.D., post-traumatic stress disorder and you just need help. Please Lennox, you need to see someone.” I cry and hurt more than I ever have in my life. More than Dave with all the trouble and pain he put me through. “Getting rid of me is the easy way out.”

  “I know what I’m doing.”

  “It doesn’t look like it.” I say, before heading back inside away from him. I hear him say “leave me alone” when I reach the back porch. Once in the kitchen, I look back at Lennox and he’s still staring at the fucking shed.

  Calling my sister is all I can think to do. She picks up on the third ring.

  “Hi Lilly.”

  “Can you pick me up?”

  “Is something wrong?” Of course, something is wrong if I’m asking you to pick me up. Every part of my body is hurting and shaking, I’m losing control of my life right here and now. A sob comes out of my mouth before I can explain to her what’s going on.

  “He asked me to leave.”

  “I knew there was something wrong.”

  “What?”

  “I didn’t want to say anything before but I could tell he wasn’t right. I’ll bring Logan with me. He just got home. Maybe he’ll be able to do something.”

  “I can’t stay here and watch him like this anymore.”

  “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

 
I can’t believe he’s asking me to leave when he fought so hard to convince me to be with him. Nothing makes sense anymore. I go to my room and pack a bag. I’ll have to move everything again. How many more times will I have to do this? Since I came back to Spokane, I keep packing and unpacking my things. This isn’t a life.

  When I finish packing my belongings, I take one last look at Lennox Love Eastwood and he’s still outside looking at the shed but now he has a hammer in his hands. What the hell is he doing now? I can’t look at him like this anymore. I take my bag and the bag of food from the diner and wait outside on the front porch. Sugar follows me out, clueless. A few minutes later, Abbey arrives and she orders me to sit in the car.

  She runs toward the backyard, looks at Lennox and calls someone, probably Logan. When she returns, she’s breathless.

  “Tell me what the hell is wrong with the shed? I’ve never seen anyone look so mad. He’s destroying the whole thing.”

  I’m crying too much to say anything. There’s nothing to say about it because I don’t know what he is thinking exactly.

  “That night, it’s where he saw Dave hiding before running after him.”

  “Okay, well that explains a lot, I guess.”

  My eyes look up at what has been my house for such a short time, my heart is hurting at the void settling inside me. Abbey starts driving away and I leave my dream behind.

  “Logan’s on his way. I think he has an intervention plan. He has been through this before with his colleagues. They teach them what to do when something like this happens.”

  I remain quiet; my voice is almost completely gone, anyway. I over-used it today and I’ll pay the price tomorrow.