“Don’t be like that Char. I came to apologize.” His words pull my gaze to where he’s sitting just to the right, in front of me.
“I’m listening.” I say, making no attempt to move from my lounging position.
“I think I might have been a little hard on you the other day.” He starts.
“A little?” I question, my voice dripping with attitude.
I don’t mean to be difficult but I’m just so hurt by the way he treated me. Add pregnancy hormones into the mix and he’s lucky I haven’t chucked a lamp at his head already.
“Okay.” He holds his hands up in front of himself. “A lot.”
“You think?” I sigh dramatically.
“Look, I know I can be a bit overprotective from time to time and I know it pisses you off, but I’ve always felt like I needed to take care of you.”
“But you don’t. You’ve never needed to.” I interrupt.
“Be that as it may, I have always felt differently on the matter. And then dad died, and I don’t know, I guess I just felt like I had to step up even more after you came home. I know it seems stupid to you but you have to understand where I’m coming from. You are my baby sister Charlie. There’s never going to be a time where I won’t try to protect you.”
“There’s a difference between being protective and being controlling. Someone calls me a name, defend me. Someone mistreats me, make sure they never do it again. I really don’t care. But don’t for one second think that you have any control over my choices or my life. You don’t.”
“I took it too far. I know that now. I don’t know Char. When I found that test I just fucking lost it. It felt like the end for you and that fucking broke me. But then I realized it’s not the end; it’s just the fucking beginning. Having a child doesn’t mean you’ve thrown your life away; it just gives the life you have more purpose. I’m sorry I couldn’t see that sooner.”
“I know it’s not ideal.” I push up into a sitting position, crossing my legs in front of me. “Trust me, I wanted to graduate college, be married, have a house, the whole shebang, before I had children, but life doesn’t always work out the way you plan it in your head. Sometimes shit just happens and we just have to deal with it as it comes.”
“Will you tell me who the father is? At least give me that much. I deserve to know who is responsible for making sure my little niece or nephew is taken care of.”
“I am. I will make sure the baby is taken care of. That’s all you need to know for now.”
“Why is this some big secret?”
My denial of his request seems to grate on his nerves but he’s doing a good job reeling it in. I guess he figures after the way he treated me, he should probably tread lightly.
“He doesn’t know yet and I don’t want anyone to know who it is until I have a chance to talk to him first. Everything will come out in the open eventually but for now, I just need some time.” My insides twist around the hard knot that’s formed in the pit of my stomach.
“Okay.” He lets out on a sigh.
“Can I ask you something?” I wait for him to nod before continuing. “Why the change of heart? I thought for sure when you left the other day that things were beyond repair.”
“You’re my sister Char. Nothing you could do would ever make me love you any less. Sure, it might piss me off and I may need a few days but you won’t ever lose me. That won’t happen.”
He says that now...
“Besides,” he continues. “Deck made me realize that you having a baby just gives me a little niece or nephew to spoil the hell out of and honestly, I’m pretty excited about that.” He gives me an ear to ear grin.
“You told Decklan?” Panic grips at my chest and I have to physically force my voice out.
If he told Decklan that means...
“And Paxton.” He confirms my worst fear.
No. No. No. Oh my god, this is literally the worst case scenario. Paxton knows he’s going to be a father and what’s worse? He found out from Gavin; the person we have worked so hard to keep our relationship a secret from.
“I know you didn’t want anyone to know.” He quickly adds when he registers the look on my face. “I just needed someone to talk it out with and I mean, those guys are like your family too so I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
I want to scream. Throw something. Tell him what a complete an utter asshole he is. But I can’t do any of those things. An overreaction on my part would simply raise too much suspicion and I can’t risk doing that, especially knowing that now I have a hell of a lot explaining to do to Paxton.
“It’s fine. I’m just, I don’t know. I just wasn’t ready for anyone to know.” I take a deep breath trying to calm myself.
“I’m sorry Char.”
“It’s fine.” I reassure him, just ready to have this conversation over with. “Well, if that’s it, I have some place I need to be.” I say, abruptly standing.
“Right now?” He seems taken aback.
“Yeah, sorry. I forgot I’m meeting a friend for dinner and I should’ve already started getting ready. Now, I’m gonna be late.”
I can tell by the look on his face that he doesn’t entirely believe my excuse but he chooses not to challenge it, which I’m thankful for.
“Oh, okay.” He stands.
“Thanks for coming over. Sorry I have to rush off.”
“Charlie, wait.” He calls after me just as I round the corner and my foot hits the bottom step.
I stop, turning just in time to see him follow me into the foyer.
“We’re good right?” He questions, concern evident on his face.
“We are.” I reassure him, stepping off the staircase to wrap a tight hug around his middle. “Thank you for your support. I’m gonna need it.” I give him another squeeze before releasing him.
“Anything you need.” He smiles down at me. “Don’t hesitate to call.”
“I will.” I promise, throwing a quick wave before taking off up the stairs.
I hear the door open and close just moments later. I peek down the stairs to make sure he’s gone before heading to my bedroom. I wasn’t lying when I said I have somewhere I need to be. I do. But it’s not dinner with a friend.
Even though I wasn’t planning to head to Paxton’s until later this evening, I know that I can’t just sit here and wait either. Finding out he knows is bad enough. Knowing that we’ve spoken since he found out and he hasn’t said a word to me is terrifying.
That means he’s waiting to see how long before I finally tell him. I guess Gavin cluing me in on the fact that he opened his mouth to Decklan and Paxton, works to my advantage. Had he chosen not to tell me, I would have continued on without telling Paxton the truth and all the while he would’ve known.
Throwing on a pair of skinny jeans and a long black top, I slide on some flip flops, slap on a little eyeliner and mascara before throwing my hair up into a messy bun and heading back downstairs.
I leave mom a quick note letting her know I’m headed to my “friends” house. I know she’ll be able to decipher what that means and will assume that I’ll be gone overnight. Grabbing my keys off the counter, I quickly exit the house and jump into the driver’s seat of my car which is parked out back.
The two hour drive to Portland feels like an eternity on a normal day, today it feels like time stops all together. Every time I glance at my clock and see only two more minutes have passed, my heart beats even harder and the nervous butterflies multiply in my stomach.
By the time I finally reach Paxton’s building, parking in a garage a block away so Gavin doesn’t stumble upon my car, my nails are bitten down to my fingers and I feel like I’m on the cusp of a severe panic attack.
The ride up the elevator is even worse. I can’t stop my hands from shaking and I feel like at any minute I’m going to claw my way out of my own skin. The nervous energy is bubbling inside of me at such an overwhelming rate that I start jogging in place on the ride up just to try to work some o
f it out.
When I finally step up in front of Paxton’s door, it takes me a good two minutes to muster up the courage to knock. I wait... Nothing. I knock again... Nothing.
“Shit.” I swear out loud, wishing I had at least text him first.
Checking my cell, I see that it’s just past six which means Paxton will probably be at his shop for at least another couple hours; hence why the plan was for me to come over at nine. Something I wish I would have considered in my rush to get here.
Realizing I can’t just sit here and wait for him, I decide to head over to his store instead. With evening traffic pouring through Portland, it takes me longer to drive to STRUM then it probably would’ve taken me to walk.
Parking at a meter two blocks away, I finally reach the store a good thirty minutes after leaving the condo. When I step up in front of the brick building that houses the music store, I let out a slow breath, catching sight of Paxton through the large windows that look inside.
He’s sitting behind the grand piano that sits in the middle of the store, his fingers working effortlessly along the keys as he plays. I watch him for what feels like forever. I take in his stylishly messy brown hair, his broad shoulders that tense as he plays, the way he keeps his eyes closed as the music dances around him.
This man is perfect. And I mean that in every sense of the word. From the dark hair that lines his powerful jaw, to the cut through your soul beauty of his crisp green eyes, he is the pure definition of raw and powerful beauty. His body. His talent. There is no denying that Paxton Stewart is something to be treasured.
A wave of pride washes over me and I reach down, holding my stomach.
“That’s your daddy.” I whisper, for the first time allowing myself to feel the pure joy that’s been buried behind regret and worry.
Taking a deep breath, I reach for the door handle, a chiming noise announcing my arrival the moment I pull it open. Paxton’s eyes dart open and find mine instantly. His fingers stop mid note and a heavy silence instantly settles over us.
There’s so much I want to say. So much I need to say.
By the way he’s looking at me I know he knows it too.
“Hey.” The word comes out broken and shaky.
“Hey.” He replies, his face giving nothing away to how he’s feeling at this very moment.
“What were you playing?” I ask, taking a few hesitant steps toward him.
“Chopin.” He replies flatly, looking down at his hands that still rest along the keys.
“I’m sorry I’m early.” I stop at the opposite end of the piano from him, meeting his gaze over the glossy black finish. “I...”
“When were you gonna tell me that I’m going to be a father?” He interrupts what I’m about to say, throwing me completely off guard.
I don’t know why, but I just didn’t expect him to come right out with it.
“Paxton.” His name is barely a whisper off my lips.
“Don’t Paxton me Charlie.” His eyes flash dark, anger instantly boiling to the surface. “You lied to me.” His words drip with pain.
“I was going to tell you, I swear.” I stumble over my words.
“When? When Charlie? How long were you going to wait?” He hits me with question after question. “How did this even happen?”
“I don’t know.” I answer honestly. “I’ve used the same birth control for years. I don’t how it happened or why it failed.”
“Did you not feel like I had a right to know the second you did?” He doesn’t let me answer before throwing another one at me. “Did you not think I would want to know?”
“I was in shock.” I admit, emotion clogging my throat. “I was scared.”
“And yet, instead of coming to me, instead of figuring this out together, you chose to keep it to yourself, as if I’m not just as effected as you are.”
“But you’re not!” The words come out much more forceful than I intend for them to and even though I quickly move to explain, I can clearly see the damage has already been done.
“I see.” He nods slowly, hurt filling his beautiful eyes. “Well, you’ve made it pretty clear that you want to handle this on your own so you can just go ahead and do that.”
His words are like a knife to my chest. The pain is instant and immediately spreads throughout my entire body.
“Paxton please.” I take a deep breath trying to reel in the swell of tears I feel forming behind my eyes.
“I love you Charlie.” His words hit me like a thousand pounds. “But with a relationship shrouded in lies and secrets, I expected us to be honest with each other at least. Apparently even that was too much for you to handle.”
“It’s not like that. I just wanted to get more information. I wanted to make sure the baby was healthy first.”
“And you didn’t think maybe I would have liked to be involved in that? That I wouldn’t like to go to the first appointment with you? That I didn’t deserve the same confirmation you were seeking? Fuck Charlie!” He slams his hands down on the keys causing an array of noises to fill the space.
“I didn’t think...”
“That’s right Charlie, you didn’t think. You didn’t think about how I would feel, what I want. You didn’t think about what this would mean for me. You only thought about yourself.” He pushes to a stand. “Do you have any idea what it felt like to have to find out that I’m going to be a father from Gavin?”
“I’m sorry.” There’s no fighting the tears this time. They roll down my cheeks in quick succession, one after another.
“I’m sorry too.” He turns, heading toward the back of the store.
I stand frozen, not sure what to do or how to react. He rounds the counter along the back wall, not looking in my direction as he speaks.
“You can go home now Charlie.” His voice is flat, emotionless.
“Paxton, please.” My voice quivers over my words.
“I need some time.” He says, his eyes still focused away from me. “Please at least give me that much.”
I want to scream look at me. I want to refuse to walk out that door until we’ve sorted through all this. I don’t want to leave. But I also know there’s no way I can stay. Not when he’s all but begging me to go.
There’s nothing I can do. I can see it in his demeanor, in the hurt I saw in his eyes, in the way he refuses to look at me now. And even though it goes against ever instinct I have, I do the only thing I can. I nod, turn around, and walk directly out of the store without another word.
Chapter Nineteen
Charlie
It’s been over a week since I’ve spoken to Paxton. A week of complete and utter hell. I’ve cried more times in the last seven days then I think I’ve cried in the last seven years. I keep trying to blame the hormones but deep down I know it’s because I’m so madly in love with Paxton and I’m afraid I’ve lost him forever.
The thought of never feeling his touch again, his kiss, the way it feels to be wrapped in his arms, is more than I can bear. It rips at me, eats at me, and consumes every single ounce of my mind until I can focus on nothing but the loss of the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world.
Paxton.
It has taken everything in me to keep my distance. I’ve wanted to call him every single minute of the last seven days. I’ve stopped myself from getting in the car and driving to his house more times than I can count. But I know that only serves what I want and this time I’m determined to put his needs over mine.
I have to respect what he’s asking of me. No matter how impossible it seems. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I may feel defeated but I’m not out of the fight just yet.
I love Paxton in a way I never dreamed I could love another person. Love like that doesn’t come around often. Most people are lucky if they even find it once.
I will hold onto that love with everything I have.
Letting out a deep exhale, I pull my car behind my house and kill the ignition, letting the silence wash o
ver me for a long moment before finally climbing out. Today’s the first day that I’ve been to class in the last week.
The first couple of days after my fight with Paxton, I just couldn’t force myself out of bed. The other days I just knew my focus was too shot to really retain anything anyways so I figured what’s the point. I emailed my professors some lame excuse about being sick and asked if they could give me at home assignments to make up for my absence.
When I woke up this morning I thought I was good. I felt better than I had in days and ready to get back to it. But as the minutes ticked on, each class became more difficult to get through then the one before it. I ended up skipping my last class all together.
Pushing my way through the back door of the house, I drop my bag on the floor before heading straight to the fridge. I pull out a bottle of water and take a long gulp before looking around the space. It’s almost eerily quiet.
“Mom?” I call out, straining to hear any signs that she’s home. Considering she parks in the garage, I never know for sure if she’s home until I come inside.
I wait—Nothing.
My phone jumps to life in my bag startling me so bad that I jump and scream at the same time. Shaking my head, I quickly lean down and retrieve it from the front pouch of my bag.
The instant I see Pam’s name on the screen I answer it.
“Hello.” Despite how down I’ve been recently and all I’ve had going on, there is an excitement in my voice when I speak.
“Charlie.” Pam’s voice is warm and soothing to my frantic mind. “It’s good to hear your voice. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.” I admit. “Sorry I haven’t called recently. I have so much going on right now.”
“I know. Your mom told me you reenrolled in school. I’m so happy to hear that.”
“Yeah, it’s been an adjustment for sure. The atmosphere here is so much more relaxed than New York but for whatever reason I feel more stressed here than I ever did there.”
“Char, as much as I want to hear about everything you have going on, I’m afraid this isn’t really a social call.” The minute her words wash over me, my stomach twists violently.
Crazy Stupid Perfection (Crazy Love, #3) Page 14