by Nick Place
Sadly, today’s talent quests have no room for all the 80-year-olds out there who can play spoons with their teeth while simultaneously juggling eggs and singing ‘Danny Boy’. But when the stakes are as high as a recording contract and a guaranteed national number one hit – even if the song is terrible – perhaps it’s understandable that talent shows now require their contestants to have some … well, talent.
Cutting comments
TV talent shows owe much of their success to the nasty judge. Some pointed barbs directed at aspiring contestants include:
> ‘Tommy said you were a gardener. Well, shut up and hold the hose.’ – Bernard King to Pot of Gold contestant
> ‘You should choose more appropriate clothes or shed some pounds.’ – Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson to Australia Idol finalist Paulini Curuenavuli
> ‘You have achieved the impossible … by making the other two acts look good.’ – Red Symons to a Red Faces chicken impersonator
> ‘Who’s your teacher? Get a lawyer and sue her.’ – American Idol judge Simon Cowell to an aspiring wannabe
> ‘I’m kinder than their relatives because I tell them the truth’, Bernard King once said to a Pot of Gold contestant. ‘No one has the courage to tell them they’re awful.’
> ‘It should at least stop some people from making absolute fools of themselves.’ – John Laws is relieved to hear Star Search contestants will be schooled and dressed before appearing on the show.
1984
Mini-series again captured the imaginations of Australian TV viewers this year, but those popular sagas haven’t had it all their own way. A dating show broke ratings records, one of the giants of Australian TV was honoured at the Logies and a young actress by the name of Nicole Kidman made a noteworthy debut.
Logies Hall of Fame, population one
April: Australian TV legend Hector Crawford has been awarded the inaugural Hall of Fame Gold Logie at this year’s gala event, an award that acknowledges his vast contribution to Aussie TV.
Everybody with a TV set knows Crawford’s shows, for he has been behind some of our greatest TV success stories – think Homicide, The Sullivans, All The Rivers Run, and many, many more.
After a successful career in radio production, Crawford began his TV career in 1956, making shows like Wedding Day, Take That and Consider Your Verdict. But it wasn’t until 1964 with Homicide that Crawford hit the jackpot. Based on hugely popular American police dramas like Dragnet and Naked City, it was richly rewarded at the Logies, drew huge audiences during its time and made stars out of its leading actors.
In fact, Homicide was so successful that other channels soon approached Crawford to produce cop shows for them. By 1969, Channel Nine had Division 4 on screen, closely followed by Matlock Police on Ten, both of which quickly earned a big fan base and cemented Crawford’s reputation for producing quality TV.
After a brief lull in the mid-seventies, Crawford came back in 1976 with one of the most popular drama series the nation has seen – The Sullivans. It won a slew of Logies and gave actors like Paul Cronin, Lorraine Bayly, Norman Yemm – and even youngsters like Sam Neill and Mel Gibson – a chance to strut their stuff. The Sullivans’ long and popular run ended just last year.
In the meantime, Hector and sister Dorothy, a co-director of the company, oversaw the production of shows like Cop Shop, Skyways, Holiday Island, and later, Carson’s Law. Then came last year’s massive miniseries hit, All the Rivers Run, and the company has high hopes for another that will screen next year, The Flying Doctors. Despite being honoured as the first entrant into the Hall of Fame, Crawford still has a host of new shows in the pipeline, so who knows what’s next? A sitcom set in a Greek café? Stories about a saddle club? Whatever it is, you can bet it will go gangbusters.
Hey Hey, it’s dark outside!
February: Let’s hope pink ostriches don’t have to go to bed early. The wildly popular Hey Hey, It’s Saturday has finally admitted it is no longer a children’s show and been shifted to a 9.30 pm timeslot, with the new moniker: Hey Hey, It’s Saturday Night.
It’s been a big year for Daryl Somers, Ossie Ostrich and the Hey Hey gang. As well as the move to the Saturday evening time slot, Daryl is set to host a new series of Blankety Blanks on Nine. Meanwhile, The Ossie Ostrich Video Show will feature former Wonder World reporter Alita Fahey, and the now-vacant Saturday morning slot will be filled by a new version of Cartoon Corner, the show that originally launched Daryl and became Hey Hey.
Names being bandied about as potential Cartoon Corner hosts include Wilbur Wilde, Brian Mannix from the Uncanny X-Men and even the son of Geelong footballer John Newman, Paul.
Politics and Logies don’t mix
April: Logie producers will be questioning the wisdom of inviting the Prime Minister to be a special guest presenter after this year’s awards. There were four bomb scares during the awards ceremony, in which PM Bob Hawke handed out a few of the little statues.
Commonwealth police and security men were scrambling all over the Melbourne Hilton at about the time Nine’s telecast went to air with security personnel saying they stopped at least 15 people dressed in dinner suits who were trying to fake their way in by holding up pretend invitations that turned out to be empty envelopes.
Then again, maybe the bomb threats were because Dwight Schultz from The A-Team was at the Logies. Who can say?
Goodbye Gunston, hello Mother
January: Garry McDonald, the man behind Norman Gunston, is to take on a new role as a mummy’s boy with the launch of the new ABC sitcom, Mother and Son.
A seven-part half-hour series, Mother and Son sounds like a challenging comedy. It will star McDonald as Arthur Beare, a 35-year-old divorcee who yearns for an independent life but feels a responsibility to care for his ageing mother.
The show, written by Geoffrey Atherton, will co-star Ruth Cracknell and Henry Szeps. McDonald said he was drawn to the series because the script had managed to mix drama and comedy, not sacrificing reality for the usual demand of several jokes on every page. He believes the series, with a mixture of humour and sadness, could be an exciting development in local comedy.
ON DEBUT
> Mother and Son – ABC comedy series
> Perfect Match – dating show
> Special Squad – cop show loosely based on the British series The Professionals
> Stickers – new multicultural kids program presented by Jinx Looten, Ian White and Marina Hoddle; described as ‘zany, innovative and educational’
> Eureka Stockade – mini-series
> Waterfront – mini-series on the first strike on Melbourne’s waterfront
> The Keepers – ABC series about the work of two Fisheries and Wildlife officers in a country town
> The Explorers – 10-part series in which Bill Peach looks at the men who opened up Australia to the world
> The Migrant Experience – six-part series on 0/28 giving a humorous look at the history of migration in Australia
> Out of the Fiery Furnace – series looking at the use of metals
> Pressure Point – interviews with key figures in topical issues
> Secret Valley – children’s comedy adventure series
> Five Mile Creek – series exploring the link between Americans and Australians in the early stagecoach days in Australia
> Sweet and Sour – series taking a realistic look at the Australian music scene
> The Love Game – Seven’s answer to Perfect Match, hosted by Mark Holden
> Matthew and Son – telemovie starring Paul Cronin and Paula Duncan
> The Gillies Report – with Max Gillies
> The Last Bastion – mini-series starring John Wood as Robert Menzies, and looking at the vital role played by Australia and its leaders in eventually turning back the Japanese; script written by David Williamson
> Good Afternoon Australia – hosted by Katrina Lee and Gordon Elliot
> Early Bird Show – mix of cartoons, music and guests, host
ed by Daryl Cotton, Marie Van Maaren and Marty Monster
Perfect Match thrives
May: Perfect Match, an updated, more adult reworking of Blind Date, has become the biggest success story of the year with never-before-seen ratings in its 5.30 pm time slot.
Hosted by Greg Evans, bubbly blonde Debbie Newsome and a bow-tie-wearing computerised relationship genius called Dexter the Robot, Perfect Match’s double entendres and innuendo caused an early storm. Channel Ten was swamped by complaints when the show launched in February.
‘This isn’t the kind of show I want my children to watch,’ wrote one viewer. ‘It’s full of sex and has no morals and is full of rude suggestions.’ Other viewers labelled it ‘smutty’ and ‘filthy’.
But it would appear they are in the minority – or that such characteristics are actually popular with the majority of TV viewers – because the show has gone from strength to strength. Each week contestants get to choose their ‘perfect’ partner for a weekend away by asking often suggestive questions. Channel Ten shows every episode to the censor before it is aired, and host Greg Evans admitted they were wary of promoting the irresponsible use of alcohol.
Nine and Seven have tried to respond but have so far been unable to replicate the magic of Perfect Match. Seven launched The Love Game, hosted by former pop star Mark Holden. But the show failed and Holden has left to be a songwriter in America, replaced by former radio announcer Gavin Wood.
Pat the Rat flees the scene
September: In the same year that Rowena Wallace has won the Logie for the Best Lead Actress in a Series and – for the second year running – the Most Popular Actress, she has just finished filming her last episode of Sons and Daughters.
Ironically, Wallace has risen to popularity playing one of the meanest, most despised female characters Australian television has ever seen – ‘Pat the Rat’ – and leaves the show at the height of her popularity. While producers never expected Pat to become bigger than any other character within the show, she quickly became the star of the series, and not just in Australia. Pat has loyal fans in both Holland and the UK, where the show has a huge following.
By all reports, Wallace’s departure was a teary affair, with her dressing room crammed with farewell gifts from cast and crew. While the exact circumstances of Pat’s departure from the series remain strictly confidential, producers have revealed that a new super-bitch, played by Abigail of Number 96 fame, will take her place just three weeks later.
Sex symbol Abigail has returned to TV with appearances in the Crawfords-produced Special Squad. Looks like she’s lost none of her sultry appeal.
Sagas again rule the small screen
December: From the middle of the MCG to the docks, from the Ballarat goldfields to the red heart of Australia, mini-series have again dominated Australian TV this year.
With an emphasis on Australian history, mini-series this year have included Eureka Stockade, Bodyline, Under Capricorn, Boy in the Bush, Cowra Breakout, High Country and The Last Bastion.
Seven’s Eureka Stockade, starring Bryan Brown, Bill Hunter and Tom Burlinson, was a major production, dramatising the story of the 1854 miners’ rebellion in Ballarat.
Nine’s major event for the year has been Bodyline, a $5 million Kennedy–Miller production based on the infamous 1932 Ashes series and starring Gary Sweet as cricket legend Don Bradman and Hugo Weaving as English captain Douglas Jardine.
Ten has also waded into the mini-series ratings war with Waterfront, based on the Melbourne docks in 1928. A heavyweight cast is led by Jack Thompson, Greta Scacchi, Frank Gallagher, Ray Barrett, Chris Haywood and Noni Hazelhurst.
Keep your eye on the kid, man
December: She has flaming red hair, freckles and something about her that suggests we’re going to be hearing a lot more of 16-year-old Nicole Kidman.
After roles in a feature film, Bush Christmas, and the new children’s film BMX Bandits, the North Sydney Girls’ High School student is one of the young stars of a new American–Australian historical TV drama series, Five Mile Creek, and it could see her break onto the world stage.
Produced by Disney, the series has been a huge success in America, where the tall teenage Kidman is attracting attention. Disney executives are calling her a ‘hot property’ while local producer Henry Crawford couldn’t speak highly enough about Nicole. ‘He’s convinced Nicole is headed for international stardom,’ said one industry insider.
MEMORIES
> Radio personality Mike Carleton has returned to TV, bringing to life the characters on his Friday news review segment on 2GB radio as puppets for the Terry Willesee Tonight show.
> Muppets creator Jim Henson films segments of his new series, Fraggle Rock (Ten), in Australia to show his appreciation to Australian audiences.
> To spice up ratings in Sydney, producers of Ten’s Carson’s Law plan to introduce more gangsters, prostitutes and con men into the series and parade them in the courts.
> Bert Newton wins the Gold Logie for the fourth time. Tonight with Bert Newton is seen around Australia, four nights a week, on Nine at 10 pm.
> Paul Hogan becomes a star in the US after his advertisements for the Australian Tourist Commission go to air on the American West Coast in March. His catch phrase, ‘G’day’, and his promise to ‘put a shrimp on the barbie’ become part of the US vocabulary.
> Kathy Lette and Mike Walsh have an on-air argument. Lette later says, ‘The trouble is, I suffer from a disease called foot-in-mouth.’
> In June, Christopher Skase’s Quintex Group buys TVQ-0.
> Ten televises the 1984 Olympics from Los Angeles.
> Gold Logie: Bert Newton
> Inaugural Hall of Fame: Hector Crawford
1985
Through the tears that fell as we sadly farewelled one of our favourites, we’ve got to know some fresh-faced newcomers and made ourselves dizzy watching shows and stars come, go and switch networks. It’s been a wild old ride for many this year.
Goodbye, Molly – A Country Practice draws tears
June: Aussie audiences are still grieving after the death of one of A Country Practice’s most beloved characters. The demise of Molly Jones (Anne Tenney) was not exactly a shock. Fans of Wandin Valley had spent 17 episodes watching her heroic struggle with leukaemia, including a refusal to undergo chemotherapy and a defiant attempt to win a place on the local council. In the end, both the cancer and pneumonia caught up with Molly, and she finally expired on her farm, watching husband Brendan (Shane Withington) and daughter Chloe (Emily Nicol) together. Too bored to stay in an isolation ward at Wandin Valley hospital, she chose to die at home.
Molly’s death might have been the greatest ‘Kleenex moment’ in Australian television history. Certainly the show’s writers and crew worked hard to ensure tissue sales across the nation were boosted as Molly succumbed.
Her final episodes were mostly flashbacks, with various Wandin Valley characters remembering their favourite Molly moments, so that her final moments were interspersed with archived occasions where her wacky take on the world and endless warmth could be highlighted. A Country Practice’s producers even had a surprise for long-time fans with a previously unseen sequence showing the moment when Molly met future husband Brendan before they moved to Wandin Valley.
When Molly first noticed she was sick, there was speculation that she might be pregnant, and Dr Terence Elliott (Shane Porteous) conducted tests to see if she had a virus. Breaking the news of her illness was one of his most difficult moments as a doctor. Brendan and Molly eventually left for Sydney for a second opinion, under the guise of a second honeymoon, but were crushed when Dr Elliott’s diagnosis was confirmed.
A Country Practice writers researched the social and medical angles of Molly’s terminal illness for weeks before writing the script. Anne Tenney, the reigning Silver Logie winner for Most Popular Actress, produced one of her finest performances for Molly’s last stand, shining with strength as Molly’s friends and family came t
o terms with her impending death.
Is this Australia’s John Travolta?
March: Vince Colosimo might be only 18 but he’s already an actor in demand thanks to his brooding, swarthy looks. The Italian boy from the Melbourne suburb of Carlton has already notched up two feature films and is now set to break young hearts in Zoo Family, where he will star as himself.
The new Nine series about the family of a zoo vet will see Vince turn up for a promotional visit, answering the prayers of the vet’s daughter, Susie (played by Kate Gorman). But it’s Susie’s fantasy of their meeting which catches the eye, with Vince decked out in skintight black leather, studs and chains, riding a powerful motorbike. Once she stops dreaming, she discovers that the real Vince is a little different.
John’s turn to spin the wheel
March: Perth radio man John Burgess is the new host of Channel 7’s popular game show Wheel of Fortune, taking over from Ernie Sigley, who has moved to Channel Nine.
The moustachioed Burgess finally gets his chance at national exposure after his last attempt, a show for Nine called The Love Connection, was shelved with 17 episodes filmed that never went to air. The Wheel will be his first onscreen role since 1968 when he was the frontman of a half-hour pop music show, Turning On.
The baby-faced 41-year-old isn’t sure what to expect from his new role. ‘When you take over from somebody else, one of two things usually happens: it either falls in a heap or it’s a breath of fresh air. I’m hoping I’ll be a breath of fresh air,’ he told TV Week.
It’s a Knockout IS a knockout!
February: The biggest game show in Australian television history is fast becoming a prime-time heavyweight champion. It’s a Knockout stars Brisbane personality Billy J. Smith, along with fellow Queenslander Fiona MacDonald, sister of Jackie, and ironman Grant Kenny.