by CELENE CAREY
It was Sunday morning. How long had it been since my relationship ended? Too long for me to count. I’d stopped counting. My vacation passed, that alone assured me time had really passed. It’s so true. You can get so caught up in someone that you completely lose yourself. I didn’t know I was caught up in him, thought I was independent beyond my relationship. Turns out I was just as needy as he had been. I needed the late night spooning, even though all I thought I needed was the sex. He’d cushioned my emotions this entire time. Now I felt like they had all collapsed. I was in the bathroom, looking at myself. I’d put on a little weight, unlike most women who lost it when they were stressed, I’d gained a few pounds; stepping on the scale usually hidden behind the open bathroom door, I looked at the clock go five pounds past my usual weight. Five pounds? I suddenly felt less attractive than I normally felt. The magic of the mind, huh? I heard my phone go off in the living room. I sighed... I knew I had not many friends. It was either him or Becky, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in dialogue with either of them.
J: Hey
V: Hi
J: What’s up?
V: Why do you do that?
J: What?
V: Talk to me
J: Because I want to… is there a problem
V: why would you want to do that?
J: Is it ok if I say I miss talking to you?
V: No. no it’s not
J: Alrite
J: I will stop trying to talk to u
V: We aren’t friends. I’ll never be your friend. Ever! I’m just the shitty exgirlfriend. I wish you’d leave me alone. I will not let you use me to ease how you feel. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. This is what you wanted! Deal with it! And stop acting like I don’t have emotions. And like I don’t have any reason at all to hate you.
*No reply*
V: Ya just like that Jonathan. I really hope you’re happy with yourself.
J: Ok I’m sorry… I’ll leave you alone.
V: you’re sorry? That one doesn’t work between us apparently. Lol leave me alone he says. A little too late for that one.
J: Alrite u said it I understand
V: No! YOU DON’T! And I’d prefer Veronica. You’ve claimed to understand so many things before, it’s obvious you never did.
J: Ok Veronica
I didn’t reply. I’d just about broken for the very last time. I told myself that it would be okay, I didn’t need a man in my life, not for now at least. And when my body needed release I knew where I could get it. Sex wasn’t hard to get, it wasn’t sex that made me cheat. It was my desire, wanting to be held and fucked a specific way. If Jonathan had just tried when we talked about it, maybe I’d have never given in to Bill; maybe I would’ve treated him just like all the other guys who’d tried to get between my legs. Maybe I would’ve rejected him. I made sure I pleased Jonathan every single way he wanted. I did the gross things he liked, let him play with my feet, let him cuddle me the entire night, even when I wanted to just roll over into my own space, I laid silently beside him until he fell asleep. I’d loved him the best way I could. Did he love me the best way he could? I’d love him no matter what. I guess that was the difference between women and men, women could forgive. If a woman could stay with a man who has beaten her close to death because she loved him, I didn’t see why he couldn’t forgive me. How could you love me the way you said you did, and still be willing to live without me? I’m confused as to what, “I’ll never let go” really meant coming from his lips. I was willing to work this out, willing to work for his trust. But nothing. He was cold, bitter. I was bitter now too. I’d reached the point where I wouldn’t cry anymore, I wanted to hate.
Leaving the past behind
Claire
I called Bill.
“Mr. Hilton, we need to meet.”
“Need to? Or you want to?”
I ignored the cockiness in his voice; I wondered how I was ever attracted to his ego.
“I suggest we go to E-park”
“Why there? You could just come over, now. I’m in the mood I guess.”
The poor fucker, he hadn’t realized that it was over? He probably thought I missed him and wanted more. Hell no, I was done with him. I needed to see him, tell it to his face, so he would know how serious I am.
“We can go there after. I know you don’t PDA, but I promise to keep myself in line.”
I fed him a lie that sounded more like a plea.
“Alrite, we won’t stay long.”
We definitely wouldn’t, this was going to be short and sweet and to the point. I had chosen the most public place I known. I drove with purpose. He was already there when I got there. I would know for sure that this was in my past; I was going to shoot it in the head like an old horse.
“Hi,” I said, walking up to him. He sat on a bench, I sat too. Security was in clear view; I didn’t know how this would turn out and I didn’t know if he had an aggressive side to him, better to be safe than sorry.
“What’s up?” He casually asked.
“Nothing much. I just think we need to talk.”
“If this is about what I made you do to Veronica, then it isn’t up for discussion.”
He cut me off.
So her name was Veronica…
“This isn’t about her, whoever she is, you can have her.”
I couldn’t hide the jealousy in my voice, and then I remembered I had nothing to be jealous about. I smiled at him and relaxed. He opened his mouth to talk.
“No, don’t. I apologise, that was stupid of me to say. Very stupid, actually. But I meant it, you can have her, even though I had no control and couldn’t stop her. I want you to know I don’t mind, I don’t care.”
“Wow, you’ve come so far. I’m proud of you. You’re beginning to understand the rules.”
I smiled a bigger smile then.
“No, I’m afraid you’re not understanding. I asked you to come here so you could look at me, see my eyes; I know you read eyes. You can tell I’m serious and that this is no bluff; what I am saying is, you can have her, and only her. I no longer belong to you. I never belonged to you. I was lost and I have found my way. I wanna say thanks, though, ‘cause you taught me a very important lesson, a lesson I needed to learn.”
I smiled, got up, and walked away. He could figure out that lesson on his own.
How could I have ever thought that I was in love with him? He was such a prick. Truth is, our bodies were so in sync with our emotions that it was easy to confuse good sex with love, the line between body and soul was so thin, we often crossed an emotional boundary where sex couldn’t go. Sex could stretch so far and no further into the soul. I knew what love was. Bill wasn’t it. Nice guys didn’t always finish last; they win different races, in different competitions that assholes couldn’t get into.
I sang on the way to my car on Park Boulevard. I had meant it, Bill did teach me a lesson I needed to learn. No matter how old you are, life teaches us valuable lessons. Age didn’t change the fact that new things were happening around us. We grow every day, we evolve, we change with all the other things that change. People were subject to change no matter what. Bill taught me that no matter what, or how horrible things may seem, there’ll come a moment when you’ll have a reason to smile at the sun. I held my head up; I smiled at the sun, so lost in my happiness I didn’t realise I was walking out into the street without looking first, I didn’t realise I hadn’t looked up and down the street to see if there was traffic coming. I was smiling the entire time it happened. I had walked away from my mistake free.
I am a sinner
Veronica Blair
I was walking, dragging my feet.
“Veronica, stop dragging your feet like that!” Sophia said, walking behind me. I hadn’t realised. Now that I thought about it, I’d been dragging myself for a week now. I considered going to the doctor and getting anti-depressants. The anger had faded, sooner rather than later. It had kept me motivated. Kept me focused, kept me hating him
and thinking about him less. When really, it wasn’t helping any of us. Maybe it was helping him, maybe not. I knew it wasn’t a good thing to have this much hate in one heart. I needed to release it. I called Jonathan instead of texting. I was on lunch on Thursday. I was going to Black Ivy later; maybe he would meet me there. I really needed some poetry in my soul tonight. I left early and dialled his number in the cab home; taking a cab everyday was extremely expensive and I missed him in more than one way. It rang…
“Hello?”
“Hi.”
“Hi, Veronica.”
Hearing my name sounded good.
“How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been good, been staying with my mom. She’s been good, just taking it one day at a time. Been going to church too.”
That was good to hear, at least one of us was going to make their lives right. I was trying to make mine right.
“That’s good to hear. I know this is short notice, but can I see you tonight? Wanna go to Black Ivy with me?”
There was a pause as he thought about it.
“Sure.”
My heart did a backflip.
“Okay.”
I grinned; I felt like I had just been asked out on my first date.
“I’ll pick you up at seven.”
He arrived on time; I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t find the right thing to wear. I almost bought something new; I wanted to look different, wanted him to see me in a different light, it had been so long since he’d seen me. When he arrived, I offered him to come inside; thank God I had cleaned the place on Sunday. I’d asked him to come on impulse, he’d agreed on what was probably impulse too. He looked great, fit; like he’d been working out. He wore a green and white plaid shirt that I hadn’t seen before.
“Nice shirt.”
“Thanks, mom bought me this one,” he smiled like a toddler showing off his lunch box in the school yard. He knew how much I liked plaid shirts.
I went to the room after resisting the urge to tell him to have a seat; he used to live here too. I wondered briefly if I would eventually move out if we never got back together. The memories would probably get up off the walls and eat me alive. I would move out. I dug through my closet, dug and dug, through every drawer. Then I remembered, I ran to the chest of drawers, almost falling over the clothes I’d thrown on the floor, and found a dress I remembered buying from a lady who came by the office selling overpriced things.
“YES!”
I covered my mouth; it came out louder than I expected it to.
“Veronica?” I heard him calling form the living room.
“I’m fine!”
I grabbed the iron and laid the dress out on the bed; it’s a good thing I had already showered. I heard him go to the bathroom. I hurriedly pressed the dress and the worst happened, I felt the iron stick to it. Cursing to myself, I lifted it off it fast, turned the iron down on its side, and held the delicate fabric up to inspect the burn. It was hardly visible. This was a new dress, I liked it too much; I threw it on anyway. I thanked God that Black Ivy had dim lighting and the burn wasn’t that bad.
When I was finally finished I appraised myself, the burn wasn’t visible unless you were looking for it. The dress was almost sheer, it was soft against me. I wore dark undergarments and shorts as well; black so nothing would be revealed. The dress stopped mid-way up my thigh and was patterned with black and white polka dots and white neck line. My makeup was simple: a skin tone eye shadow, gold highlights that brought out my eyes, the most extravagant thing was my popping wine-red lipstick. My hair had been wrapped, it was straight; I wore a perfume I had never worn before, Temptation.
Jonathan looked at me, and I mean really looked. The longing was obvious in his eyes. He looked, I smiled shyly. Yes, I definitely felt like it was our first date. He led the way out, I locked up, we drove silently to Black Ivy, and I knew he would listen to my poem tonight. It was full, people at almost every table.
Alicia whispered to me ill-manneredly, “Who’s the cutie?”
“Jonathan,” is all I said.
We vibed, relaxed, exchanged light conversation about the poets that were going up laughed at the humour, and kept quiet during the sad and strong ones. I could see his shock when the MC began, “Please, ya’ll give it up for our own for the second time…Veronica!”
I looked back at him, winked, and went up to the microphone. I’d purposefully asked Jermaine to have this front seat reserved for me; he could pull any string.
I stood with my fingers in my hands, waiting to feel the nerve I’d felt the first time.
“I’m a sinner,
A sinner by every means of the word, sin
A thief, I stole your heart,
Then I paid for every beat within,
A sinner, a killer,
I kidnapped you, tied your soul to my shoes
Killed it, I punched it ‘til it was black and blue
A sinner
A criminal, convicted of man-slaughter,
Heart-slaughter, should’ve been cardiac arrested,
I sacrificed you
like a lamb on my own altar
Was it worth it?
No it wasn’t working
What I thought it would do
It wasn’t working
My mind a blur
You a victim me, a sinner
But tonight it’s different,
Tonight I wanna, strip myself of my wrongs
Get on my knees, beg for your mercy
Tonight I want your forgiveness.
Tonight I want your mercy
Tonight I want to let you see the
Most feeble part of me,
Tonight I come crawling to you,
I was a sinner, a sinner now repenting
A sinner now venting
A sinner who wants to be baptised in you
Forgiveness, immersed beneath your mercy
A sinner
No longer worthy of you,
No longer worthy of praise
A sinner stuck reminiscing
On good days
A sinner giving up her ways
Giving up the ways of a sinner
To this new life, a beginner
I wanted to, erase the past
Start anew
I wanted to be fresh, showered
Clean for you.
But,
You can’t erase the past,
Can’t erase the pain
I can’t erase your memory, though
I have prayed to Gods so they
Would try to.
A sinner,
a sinner who, broke every rule
a sinner, a sinner who,
Still belongs to you.
Thank you.”
I had been crying by the second line, paused too many times, but Jonathan was crying too. The crowd, wow the crowd, they were clapping, hooting; another girl was crying. I’d poured all my emotions into that poem. It felt like my last plea. I repented.
I sat beside him, neither of us said a word for the rest of the night, when it was time to leave, I reached for his hand. He led me out, we got to the car, he let go, and opened my door for me. We drove in silence. Though it was killing me, I understood that some things were better left unsaid. My message was clear, I was no longer angry, I just wanted to be forgiven. Maybe I would consider being friends.
He pulled up to the driveway, got out, opened my door, and walked me to my door. I hugged him, it was sudden, but he hugged me back. I didn’t let go; I inhaled his smell. I looked up into his face. His eyes filled…he closed them, and kissed me. He pulled back as soon as I tipped to let him, then gave in, kissing me deeply, like a man in love. I knew he meant it. He left.
The Ultimate Submissive
Bill Hilton
I watched Claire walking away; I thought she was going to break out in a skip. I sat there, didn’t move. I wasn’t upset, wasn’t sad either, I was sure. Women weren’t hard to find. I was not about to lose all my
power. I would gain it back, one way or the other. Veronica? I guessed her phone must be broken and I called the house, no answering machine anymore. Fuck her. I’d had my eye on something else anyhow. How had Claire felt like she had broken free of me? I didn’t know. I looked up the park, saw her in the distance, shook my head, and got up. I had parked in the opposite direction.
I swung around just in time to hear the second thud. I heard the tires screeching against the asphalt and I saw Claire’s lifeless body as it landed on the ground. I ran for her life. By the time I got to her, the driver had already reversed and made his way up Knutsford Boulevard; I tried to catch the license plate number, but it was gone. The only thing I had been sure about was that it was a white Honda Civic. I looked at Claire, close to death, the crowd running towards us. I don’t know how I got to her first. I held her head in my hands, the back of it was soft, and blood was everywhere. She looked at me, her last word was “Adam...” She died, eyes open, at twelve twenty-seven p.m.
She didn’t have any identification, so when the police showed I gave them her information, went to the station, made a statement, described the car, explained my relation, and gave them Adam’s number. I could only imagine the grief he’d have to suffer. Actually, I knew the grief he’d have to suffer. I didn’t feel anything. I just had a craving for flesh beneath me. I went home and called Veronica and, when she wouldn’t answer, I was forced to my last resort. I was desperate.
How to forgive
Jonathan
I’d prayed for a heart of forgiveness, I think the lord does answer prayers; he made it easier for me to let go. Veronica’s poem, her performance… I heard her poem for the first time and it didn’t sound the way I’d read any of her poems before, I could feel it; I could feel it in my bones as she spoke her words to me. I felt my soul reach out to her, I felt sorry for her, sorry for myself, and sorry that I had no idea how I was going to let this go.
I’d kissed her. I don’t know what had come over me. I couldn’t say anything to her, couldn’t explain how her poem, how her repentance, made me feel. I had to show her and I knew a kiss would work. It did work. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I went home to mom, laid in bed, and resisted crying into my pillow. I was still a man. Could I forgive her and still hold my dignity close to me? No one knew what she’d done and I was grateful; we could both take it to our graves. I could wipe the slate clean and forget that I’d ever heard his voice or name. I could hold the best thing that ever happened to me in my arms again. I reminisced, heard her voice, and saw her tears, felt her genuinely asking for my forgiveness. I knew it before the sun rose on Friday morning, I had forgiven her.