It could have been because they were so much alike, two broken people trying to find their way because any other reason didn’t make sense. That was why she could stand to be around Snow despite everything about him. It was easy. He didn’t make her feel anything. Snow was just a place keeper for someone who was unattainable, someone who she desperately wished she could be with. Snow was a good enough distraction when the pills weren’t working. As long as she had the pair, she could forget about the life she led outside this room.
Snow’s eyes drifted over her, playful and unfocused. Apparently, he was partaking of his own product even though Alex specifically remembered him telling her how he would never use. But either way, that was none of her business, as long as there was something left for her.
Forcing a smile, she continued walking toward him, not sparing the girls at his sides a second of attention. What he did when she wasn’t with him, she didn’t care. Truthfully, she didn’t care what he did when she was with him, not that she remembered much of that anyway.
“Thought you weren’t coming back?” he asked as he remained seated, letting her come to him for once.
Alex hated it. Hated that she was now craving a drug only he could give her, and hated more that she knew what this weakness was costing her. She knew that he wouldn’t accept her money this time. He’d made that point clear the last time they’d seen each other. Was she really willing to offer herself up for this?
“Does it have to be out here?” she found herself asking, looking around at the scores of people who were oblivious to her inner turmoil.
“Need privacy?”
She knew what he was insinuating, and though every part of her rebelled at the idea, she nodded.
Snow whispered something to the girl next to him, sliding off the couch. For the second time, she found herself trailing behind him, dreading what she was going to have to do to get the thing she wanted.
He shoved open a door, barking for the couple inside to get out before he had the door closed and her trapped inside with him. When he came toward her this time, wet lips pressing sloppy kisses to her neck as he fiddled with the zipper on her skirt, she didn’t resist, though she stood stiffly, unable to relax.
“If you fucking relax, the shit’ll be better for you,” he whispered as he finally caught the back of her zipped and pulled it down.
She bit her lip, tears stinging her eyes as she turned her face away, not wanting him to see her about to cry, and not wanting him to kiss her. He didn’t seem to care about either.
“Go get on the bed.”
Forcing herself to move, Alex sat on the very edge of the bed, focusing her gaze on a hole in the wall. She could just see Snow undoing his jeans out the corner of her eye, and as her fingers fisted the comforter on his bed, she tried to forget all of this.
“Can I at least have the pills?” she asked, angry with herself for the shakiness present in her voice.
Snow chuckled, pushing her back onto the bed as he crawled on top of her, shoving her skirt up her thighs. “Payment first.”
When he reached for her hand, drawing it down his body so she could grasp the erection that was straining in his jeans, she snatched her arm free.
“Stop acting like a stuck-up bitch,” he spat at her, “You think shit is free around here?”
“No, I’m willing to pay for it. Any number you give me, I’m willing to pay. Just give me a number.” She looked at him, trying to find any glimpse of the guy she had met the first night at the compound. That guy hadn’t seemed so bad, but now that she was staring up at Snow, she didn’t see any of that in him.
“Except I don’t want your fucking money. Got plenty of my own.”
So no matter what she said, he was going to force her to do this.
As he yanked on her underwear, pulling them down her legs, she squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to detach from the moment, to pretend that she was anywhere else but there.
But he was between her thighs, nudging them wider, and the moment she felt him breach her, she bit her lip to stop from crying out. There was so much pain, not because he was particularly big, but because she didn’t want him and her body wasn’t ready.
He didn’t care however, just forced her to accept what he was giving, not matter how she winced, or how tears fell one at a time. By the time it was over and Snow pulled out of her, Alex didn’t think anything was worth that.
Snow reached into the pocket of his jeans, tossing her another little baggie. She held it tight in her fist as she righted her clothes, not able to meet his eyes as she headed for the door.
But even as she left this place, leaving behind Snow’s mocking laughter and the endless supply of the very thing she craved, a part of her knew she would be back because the pills were already calling her name.
13
____
Happy Place
For a while, Luka had lived and breathed the Bratva, spending all of his waking hours working to prove himself loyal to those higher up, wanting to make a name for himself in a world where everyone was trying to do the same thing. Unlike most, however, he had been able to do this in less time than anticipated, but with the kind of name he’d drawn, people were less likely to break rules, and now, hardly anyone was willing to step out of line just in case Mishca sent his enforcer to straighten them out.
At first, Luka had been proud of this—fighting was all he knew, after all—but with less to do, he had a lot of free time on his hands and being idle didn’t work for him. It allowed too many opportunities for his thoughts to drift to the past, to blood and mayhem that made his hands itch to do violence.
It was for this reason that Luka found himself lost in a pool hall one night, a neutral location that was open to people from every walk of life as long as nothing went on inside the place. For a time, others had been nervous with Luka there, his predilection toward violence a well-known fact, but after a few weeks passed without an incident, even after a man purposefully spilled an entire pitcher of beer on him, he’d kept his cool. That wasn’t to say that he didn’t find said man across the city another night and break both his kneecaps, but as long as it wasn’t in the bar, no one gave a shit.
Once he’d come to this place, it had become his happy medium between taking his frustrations out and being with Natasha. He had grown tired of seeking her out many times, if only because she was beginning to think that he needed her, but this had yet to let him down.
“You’re playing like shit tonight,” Raj, Luka’s opponent for the night, pointed out as he leaned his weight against the pool stick he was holding.
Glaring at the man, Luka didn’t offer a response as he returned his attention to the table, contemplating his next move. He’d intended to get away from his thoughts, but Alex was still in there. Something was going on with her, and he wasn’t sure what.
And trying to get her to talk about it rationally didn’t seem to be working, but until he found a way to get to the truth, he’d give her her space.
Luka eyed the table carefully, plotting his next shot as he got into position, lining up his pool cue to the exact spot he needed. It was his last ball before pocketing the eight. He was about to take the shot, poised to do so, until the bell chimed at the entrance.
It was a reflex, really, looking up anytime someone walked in, but this time his hand tightened reflexively around the handle as he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Luck was definitely not on his side as Alex sauntered in, ever careful in those sky-high heels of hers. They might not have been practical, but they did amazing things to her legs and he would be a liar if he didn’t say he appreciated the view.
She was intent on the bar, and his first thought had been that she’d come in for him, but when her gaze didn’t even drift in his direction for the briefest of moments, he banished the thought.
Luka wanted to ignore her, pretend like he hadn’t seen her at all—it wasn’t as if she had noticed him in the shadowy corner he stood in—but he couldn’t, too
aware of her despite the distance between them.
His grip tightened on the pool stick he held, his eyes narrowing on the shot he planned to take, but now that he knew she was there with him, he couldn’t ignore her, no matter how he tried. Even now, he could hear her. She was not speaking loud enough that he could make out what she was saying, but it was loud enough that he was distracted.
And like most times when it came to her, his concentration was shot.
His grip on the pool stick was so strong it was a miracle it didn’t crack under the pressure. Like most of the males who were present in the place, his eyes drifted over Alex, taking in every last bit of her, and the outfit that molded to her body. If one could even call it that. The top she wore stopped just beneath her breasts, the same burgundy colored skirt fitted to her hips and thighs. Stomach bare for anyone to see.
Whenever he came in, he ordered a drink, though it normally sat untouched, but tonight, he downed it, needing something to calm his nerves.
He wanted to ignore her presence entirely, should have ignored her, but he was drawn to her in a way that he couldn’t fight. Even now as he stood more than a dozen feet away from her, he was aware of every move she made. The way she flipped that silky hair over her shoulder, the flirtatiousness of her smile…it shot his concentration to hell.
Reaching for the pack of cigarettes in his back pocket, he was about to take one out when he heard the man next to Alex speak up, saw the way he looked at her, a look that Luka himself had shot in her direction. He started across the room before he could stop himself, and every protest he might have thought of fell silent.
14
____
Fix Yourself
Beneath the spray of steaming water, Alex tried to wash away her sins, desperately wanting to rid herself of Snow’s touch, but no matter how long she stood in the shower, she could still feel him everywhere.
The minute she had gotten home after seeing him, she rushed to the bathroom, purging what little there was in her stomach, but with the evidence of who she had become in her hands, it only made her feel worse.
For two days, she remained in her apartment, alternating between showering and curling into a ball in her bed. She felt like nothing, worse than she already did. Thoughts of Anya and Luka had faded to the far recesses of her mind as yet another failure confronted her.
But no matter how shitty she felt, it was only so long that she could lay there and beat herself up before the reminder of the pills came rushing back.
Already, she could imagine the sweet release they would bring her, and with it went her crumbling will.
She didn’t bother only taking one as she had before. She took three. Sadly, the effect didn’t set in immediately.
Turning off the water, she climbed out, reaching for one of the towels she had hanging nearby. She had to step over clothes that littered the floor, along with an assortment of other things she had left out.
Usually, she was clean to a fault, liking things in their proper place, but she couldn’t bring herself to care anymore.
Hunting through her closet, she picked out clothes blindly and dressed down—at least for her—wearing an oversized sweater and skater skirt. She didn’t bother with heels—she wouldn’t be able to manage that later on.
Grabbing her keys and purse, she headed out, though she wasn’t quite sure where she was going.
She didn’t know where she was headed, didn’t know if there was any end in sight at all because she was finally, blessedly, numb to it all.
Alex was lost in the clouds, drifting through, mist wetting her face as she headed down the street with no end in sight. She was rather enjoying herself until she reached the lit bar at the corner, peering through the windows, catching sight of tumbling blond hair and tattooed arms.
What were the odds that she was seeing him tonight of all nights? Thankfully, she didn’t see Natasha hanging around, or many other females for that matter, and maybe if she wasn’t floating on her own personal cloud, she would have kept walking.
But seeing him made her long to talk to him because if there was one person she could turn to, it was Luka.
As she reached for the door handle, a thought hit her. What would he think if he knew what I did? He wouldn’t judge her—there wasn’t a judgmental bone in his body—but the idea of him being disappointed in her almost made her turn away.
But she kept on because she needed him more than she was afraid of him learning the truth.
Alex pulled open the door, feeling the blast of heat hit her as she entered the pool hall. She headed directly for the bar, feeling multiple gazes on her as she crossed the floor. She was one of only a few females in the room. Maybe before she might have entertained the men who were staring appreciatively at her, but the idea of flirting with any man turned her stomach.
Finding a seat at the bar, Alex smiled hesitantly at the bartender, waving him over as she pulled out the ID she’d bought years ago but rarely used.
“What can I get you?”
She surveyed the limited choices up on the wall but ultimately shrugged. “Surprise me.”
As he went about mixing her drink, Alex crossed her legs, the hem of her skirt drawing up, something that seemed quite fascinating to the man sitting next to her.
He had to be as old as Mikhail and had no shame that he was ogling someone at least half his age.
When the bartender returned with a trio of shots, each of them a different color, Alex was more than ready to drink them down.
Lifting the first, she saluted her still staring neighbor, smiling as she tossed the drink back. It was like swallowing acid. The second went down a lot smoother, and by the time she got to the third, her throat was numb.
“How’s about you let me buy your next round?” he offered turning in her direction, allowing her a better look at him.
Even if she were into older guys like him, she would probably go for someone a little more…well more. She didn’t know what it really was. His suit fit well, his hair was groomed nicely, and he wasn’t unattractive, but he lacked something that made her uninterested.
“That’s nice of you, but no thanks.”
“No? What’s the harm in one drink?”
She was now realizing the consequences of accepting one little anything.
“I—”
On her other side, someone slapped down a twenty, and she didn’t have to look behind her to know that it was him. He smelled of musk and summer nights, a particularly delightful scent that she could never mistake for anyone else.
“You’re done. Let’s go.”
He wrapped that scarred and tattooed hand around her arm, pulling her from the seat before she could protest. Her admirer, however, did the protesting for her.
“Let go of the lady. I’m sure she can take care of herself.”
It was beyond obvious to her that Luka was not in the mood to deal with him, otherwise he might have made a joke, but the tenseness in his body only grew as his eyes narrowed and a dangerous energy pulsated out of him.
He didn’t have to respond to the man because whatever expression Luka was wearing, the other man paled in response and turned back to the beer he’d been nursing.
Luka wasted no more time before dragging her out, but instead of going through the front entrance, they went out through the back into a side alley.
Once they were outside, he let her go, and with her equilibrium impaired, she stumbled, nearly face planting on the concrete. She might not have had much to drink, but the shots coupled with the pills were starting to make everything hazy. Finally, the self-loathing was drifting away.
Luka, whose anger was only growing, didn’t seem to notice. He crowded her space, furious blue eyes trained on her.
“You trying to piss me off?”
Though he asked the question, it had to be rhetorical since he was well beyond pissed at this point.
She shook her head, intending to answer the question seriously, but the peace she felt brou
ght a smile to her face, making him think she was mocking him. She drew the hair that was falling in chaotic waves up from her neck, letting the cold breeze cool her down. It felt like she was burning up.
“What are you doing here, Alex?”
Walking toward him, she hooked a finger in his belt loop, giving it a tug and she tried to bring him closer. Surprisingly, he let her.
“I don’t know.” She didn’t know anything anymore. “But I’m happy I ran into you, Tiger.”
His expression softened when she used the name, making her wonder, yet again, if he felt that inescapable draw that she felt toward him.
“What’s under there?” she asked, her finger just inches from his face as she traced the lines and contours. “Underneath the jokes, the self-deprecation, who are you really? You’re one person with me, and someone totally different with everyone else.”
“What does it matter?” And he looked like he genuinely wanted to know.
“It matters to me.”
“Why? Which side of me do you like better?”
She shrugged, smiling sweetly up at him. “I like all of you.”
He didn’t seem to believe her, but she wanted him to. Needed him to.
“Why can’t you see that, Luka? I always have.”
While he looked like he wanted to rake his fingers through his hair, they just stilled in the strands, his eyes intent on her. There was no doubt about it, she could have stood there for ages trying to understand him and his thoughts, but her inhibitions were gone, and while he might not have wanted to act on it, she wanted him.
Taking matters into her own hands, Alex went up on her toes even as she pulled his head down, pressing her lips to his. Luka’s lips were firm but soft, and as she traced her tongue over his bottom lip, he parted them. Alex had the control for a few fleeting seconds, and then her back was against the brick, his hand fisted in her hair as he took over.
Her heartbeat thundering in her ears, she could do no more than surrender.
Hidden Monsters (Volkov Bratva Book 4) Page 8