____
It was amazing what they could accomplish when they weren’t fighting and dedicated themselves to a singular task. While they hadn’t done much besides paint, and throw out a few things, the place already looked more habitable.
“You’ve been living here for years and you’re just now getting furniture, Luka?” she asked the next morning as they browsed a homeware store. Well…she did most of the browsing. He just glared at anyone who stared at them longer than a few seconds.
“It’s what I’m used to,” he murmured absently, fiddling with his phone.
Alex glanced up at him, trying to gauge whether he was serious, but when his expression didn’t waver, she felt an overwhelming sadness for him. She hadn’t really ever wanted for anything, not material at least.
“You deserve a comfortable bed, at least. And a pillow.”
He chuckled, though it sounded forced. “Thanks for caring.”
Did he ever think she didn’t?
Looking back at his phone, he scanned the screen then frowned. “I’ve got a drop. You can finish this—” he gestured out to the store “—another time. See you later?”
“Sure. I’ll be at my place.”
“Alex—”
“I’m fine, Luka. Feel free to check on me when you’re finished, if you must.”
“Yeah, all right.”
She hung around the store a little while longer after he left, making a list of what she would pick up later when she could get Luka back in there.
Hailing a cab, she thought of going to her apartment but decided against it. While she still wasn’t clear what happened between her and Snow that last night, she definitely remembered the time before that…and how she wasn’t sure whether Snow had bothered to wear a condom.
There was a small walk-in clinic close to her apartment, and there was no point in putting it off any longer.
The clinic was sterile and cold, as most were. Various posters with smiling teenagers promising that chlamydia was curable hung on the walls. Despite the hour, there were few people in the waiting area. There were a couple of seats down from her, another woman holding a crying infant, and another girl who looked absolutely terrified.
Alex briefly wondered how she looked to them.
When her name was called, she walked the short distance to the back. She didn’t let the shame she felt show, staying quiet as vials of her blood were taken.
This was going to be the longest two days of her life.
24
____
To Be Alone
Back home in her apartment after leaving the clinic, the silence was suffocating. Now that she was alone for the first time in days, she hated it. Already she missed the sound of Loki padding across the floor and even Luka’s restlessness. Usually by this point, she was already too far gone to even remember her own name, and now that she had time in her hands, she didn’t know what to do with herself.
She’d never given much thought to how superficial her life was until now. If she wasn’t drinking, she was shopping, and if she wasn’t doing either of those, she was fantasizing about doing one or both. After finishing high school, she’d never had any interest in going to college. Really, there was only thing that she had truly been passionate about, and that was ballet.
But that wasn’t something she could currently do.
It was already hard enough to return to the dance after having a baby, but after leaving the company without a word…it was pretty much career suicide. If she could go back now, she would change so much. Instead of allowing Anya’s secret eclipse her entire life, she should have moved forward and left it in the past where it should have been.
But it was too late to feel sorry for what was lost. She could only move forward from here. She didn’t know what she would do, not just yet, but she was no longer going to just sit and feel sorry for herself.
Alex wanted more.
The doorbell rang, making her sit up, glancing over at her phone. It couldn’t be Mishca or Lauren because they would have called first. And it definitely wasn’t Klaus since he didn’t make it a point to see her outside when they were both in the same place at the same time.
Pulling on a pair of shorts, she headed for the door, looking through the peephole.
Her heart skipped a beat when she saw who was standing on the other side. After she’d left earlier, he’d remarked about how he had things to do, and the possibility of them seeing each other was low…and yet here he was.
Trying to feign ease, she unlocked the door, yanking it open, a smile curling her lips. “Tiger.”
Luka looked tired, but at her greeting, a spark entered his eyes. “Been waiting to hear that. Can I come in?”
She stepped to the side to let him by, trying not to seem too excited about his presence in her apartment. “What are you doing here?”
He stuffed his hands into his pockets, rocking on his heels for a beat before his eyes found her. “Went home, but you weren’t there.”
A thrill shot through her at his words, and since her back was to him as she walked back to her bedroom, she didn’t fight the stupid grin that bloomed in response.
Alex was suddenly glad for the hard work she’d done all over her apartment now that Luka was here. Before today, she couldn’t remember the last time she had cleaned her sheets, nor the last time she had done anything around this place.
“Are you going to invite me to your bed?” he asked casually, leaning against the wall as he gestured toward her bed with a tilt of his head.
Climbing up onto it, she resisted the smile that was trying to force its way onto her face, waving him on as though an invitation was really necessary. He was always welcome and he knew that.
Pulling the T-shirt over his head, he toed off his boots, dropping his bag in one of the chairs near the door. Watching him prowl toward her made another smile bloom, but she was even happier when he stretched out, his body seeming that much larger now that he was in her space.
She turned on her side so she could better face him. There was still some distance between them on the bed, but she didn’t want to close it, not when there wasn’t an invitation. But like he had read her mind, he lifted his arm, looking at her expectantly.
Alex wasn’t going to turn that down.
She slid over, and when she was close enough, he wrapped that arm around her waist and pulled her in the rest of the way until they fit together, like two puzzle pieces.
Luka sighed, his fingers drifting through her hair. “You cut it…again.”
“And you don’t like it?”
He tugged slightly, not enough to hurt, just enough to get her to look at him. “There’s nothing about you I don’t like.”
“Except my knack for getting into shitty situations that you have to bail me out of.”
He laughed. “Just so.”
A part of her was afraid to ask, especially knowing that he had come here without her having to ask…but she was curious. “It’s Tuesday…”
“It is.”
“But you’re here…”
He nodded. “I’m here.”
She slapped his chest. “Stop repeating everything I say.”
“Ask me what you really want to know.”
Chewing her bottom lip, she thought of how best to word the question, knowing that he could be sensitive when it came to Natasha. “You’re here instead of with Natasha…”
“Still not a question.”
“Why?”
He rolled onto his back, tucking his hands beneath his head as he watched the fire burn, the sound of the wood crackling loud in the silence of the room.
“It was never like that between us. Besides,” he said turning his head in her direction, “I wanted to see you.”
“I’m fine, Luka. You don’t have to baby—”
“That’s not the reason.”
She wanted to just accept that he was here for her, but the insecure part of her wouldn’t let it go. “I’ve always been here
, but you’ve never come before.”
He sighed, reaching a hand out, his gaze dropping to her hip where his fingers traced her skin. “Can it not be both? I won’t lie and say I’m not worried about you. You’ve made it through the withdrawals, sure, but that’s not the end of this.” Then, as quickly as his seriousness came upon him, he smiled brilliantly. “And maybe because I wanted to sleep next to you again. Whatever excuse you want to go with…take your pick.”
“But I—”
He put a finger to her lips, silencing yet another protest, but this time she let him.
“I didn’t want to be alone.”
____
For the second time in what felt like a handful of hours, Alex was opening her eyes again, blinking to clear her vision, trying to see Luka clearly. She wasn’t sure if she was actually awake or dreaming, but the real or fake version of him was still nice to see.
He was leaning over her, damp hair tucked behind his ears, his eyes intent on her. “I have to go.”
“Don’t leave.”
At least, that’s what she hoped she said, but in reality, it came out as little more than monosyllables. He smiled indulgently before pulling the sheet higher over her. His lips moved again, but by this time, she had already fallen back asleep.
Long after Luka had slipped out of her apartment and the sun had risen in the sky did Alex finally wake up, feeling both tired and excited—not to mention the traces of fear she felt. There was nothing mottling her mind this time around—no drugs, no alcohol, and for that reason, she could remember him coming to her for once.
Groaning, she collapsed back on the bed, squeezing her eyes shut, because a part of her wished that she could go back to last night and just bask in just being with him. She had no idea what he was going to be like today, whether he would go back to how they once were.
But while the endless possibilities ran through her head, that was no reason to sit around in bed all day. Instead, she needed to get out of her apartment and find something to occupy her time. She vaguely remembered him waking her up—the second time—and figured he would be busy most of the day with Mishca. So that gave her plenty of time to prepare for whatever his reaction to their night together was.
Alex showered and got ready in record time, heading down to a coffee shop not too far away for her morning fix, she happily guzzled down the burning liquid to help make her feel more human.
Alex hailed a cab, riding toward one of her favorite shops, a gem of a store that sold vintage clothing. She was browsing through a few of the racks, eyeing a particular dress that would look great with a pair of shoes that she already had when she heard someone call her name.
Despite the years, she recognized the voice, a hesitant smile already blooming on her face as she faced her old friend. “Amerie, what are you doing here?”
Amerie was just as she remembered, plus a few pounds, though that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Her hair was pulled back into a neat ponytail at the nape of her neck, and while her makeup was understated, she still looked stunning.
“I should be asking you that! Where’ve you been? After you left Paris, I haven’t heard a thing from you.”
That was a long and complicated story, and one that Alex couldn’t really get into. “Had to take a break from dancing because my home life was a bit crazy back then. What about you?”
It was then that Alex noticed a little girl holding hands with a man walking in their direction, the girl almost a splitting image of her mother. When she got closer, she threw her arms around Amerie’s legs, peeking over at Alex with a shy smile.
“This is my daughter, Sophia, and my husband, Marcus.”
He smiled and looked nice enough, although definitely nothing like the kind of guys they hung around during their younger days. He picked up Sophia, taking her to the other side of the store so the two of them could finish talking.
“Things really have changed for you,” Alex commented softly, smiling with a small wave to Sophia who was still watching them with big doe eyes.
“Oh, you know how these things go. Now that she’s older, I was hoping to get back into dance.”
To some, having a baby was like committing a sin in the ballet world, not just because of the physical changes it did to one’s body, but because of the commitment that it required. Ballet was a twenty-four-seven commitment and having a baby conflicted with that.
Of course, Amerie wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last girl who had needed to take a break from dancing to be there for her family, but it was rare that they got back into it.
“Is that what has you back in New York?” Alex asked looking back to her.
“Yes, Calvin O’Fare is having auditions next month with five open spots in his company. Maybe you can come out and audition, too?”
Her heart skipped a beat at those words, pounding even harder as she thought about it. She could still remember what it felt like, how dancing brought her so much joy in a time when she rarely felt it. This could be good for her, more than good.
“Here, why don’t you take my number and give it some thought. Between now and then, I can text you the address and dress code.”
Alex found herself nodding, plugging Amerie’s new number into her phone and giving hers in turn.
“Between the pair of us,” Amerie said with a smile as she turned to go. “Our spots are guaranteed.”
25
____
Spontaneous Visits
It had only been a matter of time.
Considering how careful Luka was with most things, it came as a surprise to him that he’d finally stopped resisting the draw to her. He couldn’t even say when it had actually happened, but a part of him recognized that he was tired of fighting it. And it wasn’t Mishca who he feared so much—even though he knew the Bratva boss wouldn’t approve—but of what Luka could do to her.
No one truly knew what all he had done back in Albania, not even Klaus. And if that weren’t enough, he’d ultimately turned his back on everything he knew for people who wanted him dead. He often thought about the choice he had made all those years ago, the single phone call that had ultimately changed his life.
But he also thought about why it was he’d come to this place, to these people, instead of any number of other organizations who would have gladly wanted someone who had his skills.
Was it penance? Maybe then he’d wanted to die, and he would never take his own life, but if it was done at the hand of someone else, maybe then he’d finally let death catch up with him…
Many a night he had lain in bed, thinking about the decision that had taken him months to consider. And now that things were good for him and there wasn’t as much worry about anyone finding out about what he had done—especially now that Jetmir was dead—he should have been good. There was nothing more he could possibly need.
…Well, except Alex.
He knew his defenses were crumbling, even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself. But while he would hardly put up a fight against himself, even if he had done a good job of it for the last couple of years, he needed help from elsewhere.
With Mishca off doing business with Klaus somewhere, instead of heading home, Luka headed to the club, ignoring everyone he passed until he reached the office in the back, slipping through the open door and shutting it soundly behind him.
Lauren, who was seated behind Mishca’s desk, looked up in alarm, but a smile replaced it when she saw that it was him. Not since the first day he met her did she fear him, not even when she learned what exactly his job was with the Bratva. Whether a curse or a blessing, Luka wasn’t sure.
“I thought you would be off doing…well, whatever it is you do when you’re not here,” she said conversationally, resting a hand on her stomach, but as quickly as she did, she moved her hand to the desk.
Weird.
“Mishca didn’t tell you about this, any of it, not at first, right?” Luka asked, gesturing around them, not having to explain what he mea
nt.
“Uh, he didn’t. Why—”
“Not to mention the whole deal with your father—sorry about that, by the way.”
Lauren, who had no idea what in the hell he was going on about, shook her head slowly. “Thanks?”
“He didn’t tell you about his past, none of the shit he had done before you met him, not about who he was, right?”
“Luka, what are you talking about?”
Collapsing down onto the sofa on the other side of the room, he threw his arm over his face, sighing heavily. He tried to think of an answer that encompassed everything he wanted to say, or at least enough that she could get a clear idea, but he didn’t even know how to talk to Alex so how in the hell was he going to talk to Lauren about it?
“Is this about Alex?” she asked as she crossed the room, sitting across from him with the brightest of smiles. “You’ve decided to stop fighting yourself on it.”
“That’s not the half of it,” he muttered more to himself than to her.
“I’m listening.”
Maybe after he told her, just some but not all, maybe she would warn him away from Alex and then he could get this stupid idea out of his head. She was the main one advocating for this relationship, and if she knew more about why they called on him in the waning hours of the day, maybe she wouldn’t be as happy about sending him to the sister of her husband.
“I killed Vlad.”
She blinked once, twice, but otherwise didn’t react to what he’d said. “That’s why Mish was angry with you for a while.”
“He wasn’t the first, won’t be the last. It’s…It’s what I’m good at. And if you catch me on a bad day, I live for it. Some days I can’t see anything else. What can I give her that she doesn’t already have?”
“Is this the part where I tell you that you’re just misunderstood?” she asked carefully, actually taking what he was saying seriously. “Because I’m not going to do that. I’m sure it’s not any worse that Mishca…or Klaus.”
No, not individually, not even combined. If he’d kept a ledger, then he’d be on his third volume by now. Sometimes all he could see was the blood on his hands—no matter what he did, they could never get clean.
Hidden Monsters (Volkov Bratva Book 4) Page 17