“You should’ve said something,” she said, her voice breaking.
“What difference would it have made?” His eyes cut back to hers.
Her pulse elevated as she said through clenched teeth, “You would’ve found out I loved you too, damn it!” She spun away from him, unable to look him in the eyes.
“No.” He gripped her arm, but she jerked free of his touch and stepped away. “No, I don’t believe that. Why would you say yes to Nate when he asked you out, then?”
She looked up at the ceiling, tears burning her sight.
Guilt had tugged at her heart for so long, and now she was about to say the truth out loud for the first time in her life.
But she needed to face him to do it. And maybe Nate would be able to hear her apology from heaven.
“I was pissed that you never asked.” She pivoted around, and he was the one backing up now, his palms in the air as if he couldn’t understand her statement. “All I’d ever wanted was for you to be the one to ask. And so, when he did, I said yes out of spite. I regretted it the moment the word left my mouth, but then I was too scared to take it back. I was afraid Nate would hate me, and you were always with some new girl, and I—”
“Are you goddamn kidding me?” His voice rattled through his gritted teeth. “How could you sleep with him? How could you use Nate like that just because you were angry at me?”
“I never . . . We never had sex. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Every day I told myself I’d end things with him, but I did love him—just not like that—not the way I loved you.” She looked up at the ceiling as if it might collapse on them.
“Riley.”
She forced her eyes back on him, scared of what she’d see. “I had planned on finally breaking up with Nate. When you kissed me that day, I knew in my heart I couldn’t keep living the lie. Even if you and I could never be together, it wasn’t fair to Nate. But then he—”
He fisted his hands in the air before him as if trying to reel in his anger. “And you blamed me. I spent my life thinking you’d hate me if you knew that I wanted you. You were Nate’s girl. How could I be his best friend but lust after you, especially after his death? I didn’t come home because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from telling you how much I loved you.”
She hadn’t realized she was crying until now.
“I can’t want you. Don’t you get it? It’s fucking wrong to want to screw you. It’d be betraying him, betraying his memory.”
“‘Screw’ me?”
He cursed under his breath. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Why’d you kiss me earlier?”
He stabbed at the air in her direction. “Because I was right not to come back. I was right about what would happen if I was around you. I can’t resist you, damn it.”
She stepped closer. “And how’d you know I’d want to kiss you back? All of these years, if you thought I didn’t feel the same for you, what made you think I’d—”
He smashed his mouth to hers and gripped her elbows, holding her against him. It was a punishing kiss. Hard and almost bruising.
Tears kept falling down her face, and then his lips lifted, and he kissed at the drops of liquid splattering her cheeks.
And then he grabbed hold of her wrists and lifted them, slinging her arms around his neck. He kissed her again, his tongue caressing hers.
He yanked at her blouse, freeing it from her pants, and his warm hand skirted up her back, and she fisted his hair, yearning to be as close to him as possible.
He stopped kissing her a minute later, and his eyes narrowed. “I can’t take you here. I can’t let this happen on the floor of your office. I’ve wanted this too long.”
“I can’t wait.”
“I want you on a bed.” He palmed her face. “We both messed up in the past. We made mistakes.” His hand slid around to the back of her head, threading through her hair as he held her firmly in place. “But if we’re really going to do this . . . I want it to be perfect for you.”
Her lips curved. “If it’s with you, it will be.”
Chapter Nineteen
Up against the door. The wall. On the floor. Now the bed.
Ben had kissed her all over his hotel room the moment they got inside. And now that she was finally on the bed, he was going to make this last for as long as possible.
There was a thickness in his throat, though, as the guilt of what he was about to do gnawed at him.
But Riley never slept with Nate like he’d always assumed, and he wasn’t sure if that made it okay now—probably not—but nothing in the world would stop him. He’d move heaven and hell to be with her.
His core tightened as he yanked off his shirt.
Her gaze dipped to the curves of his body, and her tongue teased between her lips as she eyed him.
After his pants dropped, she didn’t seem to notice the jagged scars near his ribs or the bullet wounds dotting the skin on his left hip.
“I always wondered if you were a boxer or brief kind of man. In my fantasies over the years, I’d alternate between the two,” she said with a smile in her eyes as she removed her shoes and pants.
Her matching red panties were see-through, and he could tell she was smooth beneath. His heart beat wildly, and a guttural noise moved from his chest and left his lips as she tortured him by slowly unbuttoning her blouse.
He couldn’t wait any longer to touch her. To take her.
Anxious, he unclasped her lace bra, and when he freed her breasts, he took in the sight of her while removing his boxers.
He gently forced her onto her back and climbed on top. She dragged her focus down between his thighs, and she bit her lip.
Holding his weight with one hand, he dropped his lips over hers, shoving his tongue deeper into her mouth with a fierce primal need, as if an animal inside of him were in charge and he was running on instinct.
“Oh, God,” she cried against his lips a minute later when his fingertip brushed over her center, and he could feel her wetness soaking the lace.
He scooted down the bed and hooked his finger under her panties, caressing her tender spot.
She arched back and gripped the comforter. He grabbed hold of her hips and lowered his mouth. His teeth grazed over her pelvic bone and he finally ripped the panties off, his tongue darting over her flesh.
“Ben.” She ground out his name and braced his shoulders. “Not yet. I’m not ready. Please,” she begged, but her words only had him pushing her further to the edge, unable to stop himself.
He’d waited too damn long.
And a few minutes later, she changed her tune. “Oh, God. Don’t stop.”
He swept a hand up, cupped her breast, and squeezed.
She tensed and orgasmed soon after.
He nipped at the inside of her thigh and trailed kisses up her body. Once he settled back on top of her, he pressed his mouth to the crook of her neck and inhaled her sweet scent.
His body tensed when she reached down and banded a hand around his shaft. His forehead rested against hers, and he closed his eyes at the touch he’d spent a lifetime longing for.
She wasn’t pumping or moving at all—just holding him . . . and damn if he wasn’t going to lose his mind.
“I want to feel you in me,” she whispered, and he lifted his head to find her eyes. Her beautiful browns were glossy as if emotion were choking her.
“I don’t have protection. I wasn’t thinking.”
She wet her lips and cupped his face with her other hand. “I don’t care.” Her eyes narrowed. “I’m on birth control is, um, what I meant. And I trust you.”
Could he have unprotected sex? It’d be the first time in his life.
But this was Riley.
Riley Carpenter, the woman of his damn dreams.
She arched her hips, pressing his hardness against her. “I need this. I need you.”
He pressed both palms alongside her and positioned his tip at her center. She guided him in,
and then he thrust hard. He went in as deep as possible. Maybe even more so.
“Fuuuck,” he yelled as he slammed back into her for a second time.
Skin to skin, their bodies grew sweaty as they moved, as they rocked together in a rhythm that could only be described as perfect—like they were made for each other, and only for each other.
He kissed at the new tears on her cheeks, knowing they weren’t from sadness because he felt the same way.
The weight of the guilt started to shed, and in its place was something else. Something he couldn’t quite grasp or understand. Not now, at least.
And once she’d come again, only then did he allow himself to lose control and spill inside of her.
“Don’t get off me. Not yet,” she said softly, and he brushed the hair from her face.
“I don’t want to crush you.”
Her hand curved around the arm that was holding most of his weight. “I’m pretty sure you’re strong enough to hold yourself up a little longer.” Her lips teased into a smile.
“Did this really happen?” He brushed his thumb over her pink, slightly swollen lips.
“Sounds like something I should be asking.”
“What? A guy can’t get emotional?”
She chuckled lightly. “Mm. Is that what you are?”
“Would it be an insult to my manhood if I say yes?”
She arched up to press a quick kiss to his lips. “I’m pretty sure nothing could question that.” Her cheeks became even rosier.
“Maybe we should go at this again, just so you know I’m really a tough guy,” he said, purposefully deepening his voice.
“I think you’re absolutely right. How about awkward shower sex?”
“Hon, nothing would be awkward about it with me.” He lowered himself so her beautiful breasts smashed against his chest, and he shifted his mouth to her ear. “And it’s been something I’ve thought about ever since the day I saw you touching yourself in the shower.”
“Ben! You said—”
“Maybe you could do it again. I’d love to watch you . . . before joining you.” He met her eyes again and smiled.
“You’re dirty, aren’t you?” She lifted a brow.
He released a breath. “Mm. You have no idea. Not sure if you want to find out.”
Her lips pursed in thought as she smoothed her hand over the cut of his muscular arms. “I really do,” she said in a husky voice.
* * *
“Benjamin Logan!” She threw her chopstick at him, and he raised his palms in the air, grinning.
“What?” He smirked.
“You did not just say that to me.” She laughed as he tossed her utensil back at her.
“You asked me what I found the sexiest about you, and I answered honestly.”
“But you’re supposed to say something romantic, like my personality.”
“Personality is a romantic answer?” He popped another sushi roll in his mouth and fought back a laugh at the cute way her nose crinkled.
Eating sushi in bed naked . . . with Riley.
Dreams really do come true.
Of course, he’d never thought it would happen, and he wished to hell it wasn’t a serial killer that had finally brought them together.
He shoved the thoughts of Ralph’s death and the killer back into the dark corner of his mind and focused on the beautiful woman sitting casually on the bed, her back to the headboard, her full, round breasts on display.
“By the way, that thing you did with your tongue in the shower—and um . . .” She allowed her words to trail off.
He shifted his food out of the way and moved closer to her. “Felt good, right?” He shoved her take-out to the side, reached for her wrist, and yanked her forward. He fell back, and she landed on top of him.
“I never knew how incredible it could be, in fact.” She shifted upright so her ass was pressing right against his erection, and she began to wiggle her hips. “I thought you were hungry, so why are we back in this position?”
“Well, you started talking about sex. What did you expect to happen?” He gently pulled on the strands of her long blonde hair. The silk locks were smooth between his fingers.
“You’re the best I’ve ever been with. Like, hands down, the best,” she said.
He cleared his throat, and his muscles tightened in his core. “Ri—as far as I’m concerned right now . . . I’m your only. I don’t want to think about you ever being with anyone else.”
She playfully slapped at his chest, but he caught her wrist and brushed his lips against her palm, then purposely tickled her hand by rubbing it against his five-day-old beard. He really needed to shave again.
“But, sweetheart, if you keep grinding your ass against my co—”
She was the one kissing away his words this time.
And he let her.
He’d let her do whatever the hell she wanted.
He owed her a lifetime of pleasure.
He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that they’d both been in love as teens and too scared to admit it.
Nate came back to mind, and he instinctively shifted his face, breaking their kiss.
“What’s wrong?”
He couldn’t bring himself to tell her what he’d been thinking. He knew deep in his heart that Nate would want both Riley and him to be happy, even if that meant they were happy together.
He hadn’t accepted that until tonight, though. He’d been living in fear of his feelings for so long, he’d stopped thinking clearly.
But on that cliff last weekend, when he should have said goodbye—he hadn’t. His mind had gone blank. He’d been strangled by emotions that had wrapped around his throat, cutting off oxygen to his brain.
Ben had to go back.
He had to truly let go and move on.
He had to make peace with the past.
“I just wish it didn’t take fourteen years for this to happen,” he finally answered her.
“You’re here now.”
He could see the emotion on her face, the tears threatening again. He didn’t want to see her sad right now. They would have plenty to deal with when the storm cleared and the sun came up. For now, he just wanted her happy. “How about I do that thing with my tongue again?”
Chapter Twenty
“You slept with her?” Aiden elbowed Ben before resting his arms on the railing of the balcony outside of the hotel room. “She’s why you never came back to Alabama. You were afraid this would happen.”
“And I was right.” Ben cupped the back of his neck. He hadn’t told him he’d had sex with Riley, but Ava and Aiden had seen the evidence all over Riley’s shy face. Plus, Riley had been partially dressed in Ben’s clothes.
“Dude, she was your best friend’s girlfriend. Isn’t there some kind of bro code or something where you’re not supposed to do that?” He shook his head. “I mean, in Dublin, a man could die for that.”
“I’m about to knock you in the face.”
“I’m just giving you a hard time. Easy.” Aiden stood straight and crossed his arms over his chest.
“It’s complicated, anyway,” Ben said.
“Usually is. But, uh, you okay? Was this a one-time thing, or . . .?”
It was more of an all-night thing. They’d only slept an hour that morning before heading to Aiden’s room. They had fourteen years to make up for, and as far as Ben was concerned, he had only gotten started.
“I don’t think so.” He thought about telling Aiden about Riley’s confession to him, but he didn’t want him getting the wrong idea about her. She’d been young, and she’d made the wrong decision by dating Nate. And Ben had been an idiot for running off when Nate had died. They’d both made mistakes, and it was time to correct them. But first, they needed to catch a killer.
“Well, you feel like chatting about your feelings or something?” Aiden creased his brow as if hoping to hell Ben would say no.
“I’m good, man.”
“Thank fuc
k.” He tilted his head to the closed hotel door. “Let’s go inside then. Now that we got that heart-to-heart out of the way, we can get down to business.”
Ben rolled his eyes, but said, “I missed you.”
“Jesus, mate. You really did get soft, didn’t you?”
Ben punched him in the arm. “I can still throw down with you in the ring. Any day and time.”
“Ha. You still think you can take me, do ya?” He opened the door and glanced at Ben over his shoulder.
“You know it.”
Ava was sitting next to Riley, and it was obvious Ava had offered to talk to her, as well. But Ben was pretty sure she wouldn’t say anything to Ava since they were basically strangers.
Riley fiddled with the hem of the gray shirt. His tee hung to her mid-thighs, and it was matched with her red dress pants from yesterday. It was all he’d had to offer her though since she had requested a clean top to wear.
“Well.” Ava tied her long dark hair up into a high ponytail and sat back behind the desk. “The patient names you gave us checked out. The guy who sent those letters was actually committed two months ago. And the other guy lives in Atlanta with his mom.”
“I didn’t think it was them.” Riley sighed.
“From what we can tell, there are no red flags in your ex’s record, either. Not even so much as a parking ticket, actually,” Ava said.
“So, are we going under the assumption it’s Bobby or someone we haven’t identified?” Ben asked, dropping into the swivel chair on the other side of the desk.
“Bobby’s background is pretty clean. I even chatted with his commanding officer in the military, and he said he was a stand-up guy,” Aiden said.
“But . . . based on his connection to Lydia and Ralph, it’s not looking so good for him,” Ava added since it was also probably clear to her Aiden didn’t like the idea of pinning the murders on Bobby as much as Ben.
“You know, I didn’t mention this yesterday, but the detective asked me if Lydia was also sleeping with Patrick,” Riley said as she stood.
“Daniel said Lydia was sleeping around to try and make him jealous,” Ben reminded her. Not that he truly believed anything her ex said.
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