by S. H. Kolee
"I wanted to tell you in person because I thought we had a lot of stuff to figure out. But now it's working out perfectly. I know how painful it was to lose your job and I'm sorry about that. But now you have nothing holding you to New York. You can come to California with me."
Jackson was beaming at me as his words sunk in. Things were changing rapidly and I was trying to keep up. I hadn't even considered going to California before but now there was nothing stopping me. I was nervous about it and a little apprehensive, but I knew that no matter what, I wanted to be with Jackson. And if Jackson was in California, I would be there too.
"I guess I could be convinced to subject myself to sunny days and endless beaches," I said wryly.
Jackson grabbed me and buried his face in my hair, seeming relieved. "I was so worried the whole plane ride about what we would do. I don't think I could handle being apart from you for so long with only a measly weekend here and there."
He lifted his head, his eyes shimmering with emotion. "Now we'll have a life together in California. You and me, Emma. It'll always be you and me."
We spent the night excitedly planning our move to L.A. Although we weren't moving there permanently, Jackson wanted to rent an apartment since we would be there for so long. He was planning on keeping his apartment in New York since he owned it, with the possibility of renting it out although he wasn't too keen on the idea. We had to move fast with our decisions because they were expecting Jackson to be back in L.A. in a week. Pre-production was already complete and they were itching to start shooting, even though Jackson had just been given the script.
The following week was a whirlwind of activity as we prepared for the move. Claire had been stunned when I told her I was moving out, and I apologized profusely for the short notice and promised to pay rent until she found a new roommate. She had waved the offer aside, saying that she was thinking of just living by herself. She had been even more surprised when I told her the news about Jackson's movie offer.
Nathan and Mia were ecstatic, promising to visit us as soon as possible. My mother was less enthused. Not only did I have to tell her that I was moving to California, but that I was doing so with a boyfriend that I had never mentioned. I had hoped that she would be excited when I told her I was dating a soon-to-be movie star since she always poured through celebrity magazines, but she had just sniffed and said things could still fall through last minute.
All these things paled in comparison to an unexpected call I received from Sean on Thursday night. I was shocked to see his number come up on my Caller I.D. I had erased his contact information from my phone, but ten years was long enough to know his number by heart.
"It's Sean," I said to Jackson. We had been sitting on the couch watching TV when he called. Jackson's mouth tightened at my announcement.
"Why would he be calling you?"
"I don't know. I haven't talked to him since I left Maryland. Are you okay if I answer it?" I didn't want to answer it, but I found it hard to ignore Sean. He had been a part of my life for so long and I was the one who had hurt him.
Jackson nodded shortly, looking unhappy.
"Hello?" I said cautiously, answering the phone right before it went to voicemail.
"Emma, is that you?" It was a shock to hear Sean's voice after all these months, but I was even more surprised that his words were slurred. Sean had never been a big drinker, but he definitely sounded drunk now.
"Yes, Sean. It's me."
"I've been thinking about you, Emma."
"Sean, why are you calling me?"
"I'm calling you because you're supposed to be my wife. We're supposed to be married now. Didn't you know?"
My throat tightened and I felt sick to my stomach. The fact that his words were slurred didn't lessen their impact.
"Sean, how much have you had to drink? Where are you right now?"
"I'm where we used to go parking. Remember, Emma? Remember when we used to park by that big oak tree and you told me you would love me forever? I didn't know forever would be over so quick."
I felt physical pain at his words. As much as I wanted to protest, I couldn't. I had said those words to him. Even though they were the foolish words of a teenager, I had known even then that I hadn't meant them. Yet I had made Sean believe them.
"Sean, you're in no condition to drive. I'm going to call Trisha and get her to give you a ride home. Hold on."
I looked at Jackson, whose jaw looked like it was made out of granite. I covered the mouthpiece of my cell phone so Sean couldn't hear me. "Can I use your phone? Sean is drunk and I'm afraid he'll try to drive."
Jackson handed me his cell phone wordlessly and I dialed Trisha's number. Trisha had been my best friend since middle school, but she had taken sides after I had broken my engagement. And the side she had chosen wasn't mine. It had hurt badly when she abandoned me and we hadn't spoken since, but I didn't know who else to turn to.
"Hello?"
"Trisha? It's Emma. I need your help."
"Why do you think I would help you?" she replied, her tone considerably frostier than when she had answered the phone, not knowing it was me.
"It's not for me. It's for Sean. He called me drunk and I think he's on Troyer Way, by the big oak tree. Can you go pick him up and take him to his mother's house? I'm afraid he's going to try to drive and kill himself or someone else."
She sighed heavily and I was afraid that she would refuse. "Fine. But I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for Sean. I'm leaving now."
Trisha hung up abruptly and I put my cell phone back to my ear. "Sean, are you still there?"
"I've always been here. The question is, where are you?"
"Trisha is on her way to pick you up. Just stay put, okay? You shouldn't be driving right now."
Sean started talking, but I couldn't understand what he was saying because his speech became garbled. But I didn't want to hang up on him in case he tried to start driving. I looked at Jackson apologetically, but I didn't say anything. The last thing I needed was for Sean to hear another man's voice and go off the deep end. Jackson didn't say anything either, watching me with unreadable eyes. I was dreading the conversation we would have after I got off the phone.
Merrittsville was a small town and I heard Trisha's voice in the background after about ten minutes, although it felt like hours with Jackson staring at me. Sean had been talking nonsense while we waited, so I was saved from having to say much in response.
"I'm here," Trisha said abruptly into the phone. Then the line went dead.
"I'm sorry about that," I said after taking a deep breath. "I was just afraid that he would try to drive drunk."
"I'm not going to lie, Emma. Seeing you talk to the man you used to be engaged to doesn't make me feel good. In fact, it makes me feel pretty shitty."
I moved closer to him, taking his hand in mine. "I know, Jackson. I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. But I didn't know what else to do."
Jackson sighed, pulling me close and wrapping an arm around me. "I don't want to sound like a crazy jealous boyfriend. But right now, I feel like a crazy jealous boyfriend."
"He just called me because he was drunk. I'll probably never hear from him again."
Jackson nodded but he still looked tense. I pulled his head down, kissing him thoroughly and pouring all my love into the kiss.
"You know I love you, Jackson. There's no one else for me."
I felt the tension leave Jackson's body. "I love you so much, sweetheart."
We showed each other how much we loved each other with our bodies, my body reassuring Jackson in a way my words couldn't.
Friday was full of frenetic energy since we were flying out Sunday because Jackson had to be on set the following Monday to do read-throughs. Fortunately, I had organized every facet of the move since I had no job to occupy my time, so when Saturday morning rolled around, we had nothing to do except relax and anticipate our flight the next day. We decided to spend our last day in New Y
ork having a picnic in Central Park, just like we had when we first started dating.
"When do you think we'll be back here?" I asked, gazing at the perfectly blue sky. I was lying down with my head in Jackson's lap, his hand slowly stroking my hair and making me feel utterly relaxed.
"It could be a while," Jackson replied. "I'm hoping that this movie is the start of bigger and better things to come. I just hope I don't mess it up. They're taking a big risk with casting an unknown in the lead part. An unknown without much experience."
It was odd to hear Jackson's doubts about himself since he was usually so confident. I grasped his hand that was stroking my hair and turned my head towards it, gently kissing his palm. "You're going to be amazing, Jackson. I have no doubt about that."
"What if I'm not?"
I looked up at Jackson who was watching me, his green eyes serious. "What if I'm not and we're moving to California for no reason? What if I never succeed as an actor? I could handle that, but I couldn't handle you being disappointed in me."
I gazed at Jackson's worried face, knowing that a large part of his anxiety was the fear that I wouldn't be happy in California.
"Who cares? Maybe you'll end up bagging groceries at the local supermarket and I'll flip burgers at some diner. It doesn't matter. I'll be happy as long as we're together." I smiled, trying to lighten the mood. "Actually, you should be the one flipping burgers. I'd probably make a mess."
Jackson sighed, not smiling at my joke. "I'm not used to feeling this anxious about anything. I've always just gone for what I wanted with no reservations and no regrets. It's different now because I have your happiness to worry about."
I sat up, wanting to put a stop to Jackson's anxiety. "Jackson, there's nothing to worry about. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. This is the start of something really great for us. Let's not question it. Let's just enjoy it, wherever it takes us."
Jackson nodded, his face clearing. "You're right. I'm just over-thinking things."
We spent the rest of the afternoon not thinking about anything except enjoying the beautiful day. We stopped by the John Lennon memorial before we left and I thought about how much my life had changed since the first time I had stood there. Jackson and I were in love, he was on the cusp of breaking into the movie industry and we were moving to California. One thing that hadn't changed was the strong presence of my father. I could feel him next to me, proud and approving of the steps I was taking in my life.
We were in the middle of making dinner back at the apartment when my cell phone rang. I walked to the living room to grab my phone from the coffee table to answer it, but I hesitated when I saw that it was my mother. I wanted to let it go to voicemail because the last thing I wanted was to listen to her recriminations again, her absolute certainty that I was messing up my life. But I forced myself to answer it.
"Hi, Mom."
"Emma." I tensed at her tone. It sounded like she was trying to hold back tears.
"Mom, what's wrong?"
"Oh my God, Emma. It's Sean. He's in the hospital. He tried to kill himself."
I staggered to the couch, sitting down as I felt shock coursing through my body.
"What are you talking about? What did he do? Is he okay?"
"He drove straight into a tree. He's lucky to still be alive. I...I don't think he'll be able to walk again."
I felt myself starting to tremble as my mind reeled at what my mother was telling me. Sean, the person who had held me while I had wept bitterly for my father, staying at the hospital and refusing to leave me, the person who had been by my side for ten years, always gentle and always encouraging, had tried to commit suicide. My heart felt like it was literally shattering into pieces.
"How do you know he tried to kill himself? He called me the other night drunk. Maybe it was an accident."
"Emma, it wasn't an accident. There was no alcohol in his system. He just drove straight into the tree with no attempt to swerve. Plenty of witnesses saw it. It was out by Troyer Way."
Tears were streaming down my face and I cried out in pain from my mother's words. I had no doubt that the tree Sean had crashed into was the one where I had told him I would love him forever. I was shuddering with horror and regret when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find Jackson watching me with a concerned look. I just shook my head, not knowing what to say. He crouched before me and held my hand, not saying a word.
"Emma, I think you need to come down here. He's asking for you. He keeps saying your name over and over again."
"Mom, let me call you back. I need to talk to Jackson."
My mother made a sound of frustration. "Emma, this is the boy that you were in love with since you were fifteen. You've known Jackson for about a minute. Get your priorities in order."
"Mom, please," I said, trying to reign in my impatience. I knew she was just upset. Sean had been a constant fixture in my life since high school and she had loved him as if he were her own son. Especially since she had expected him to become just that once we married. "I'll call you back once I figure out what I'm doing."
I stared silently at Jackson after I ended the call. I didn't want to say the words out loud, didn't want to admit that Sean had tried to end his life. When Jackson reached up to wipe my tears away, I lost it and started sobbing uncontrollably. Jackson sat down on the couch next to me and wrapped his arms around me, rocking me until my body stopped shaking.
"Sweetheart, tell me," he said softly when I had calmed down.
"It's Sean. He tried to kill himself by driving into a tree. They don't know if he'll be able to walk again."
Jackson exhaled deeply, tightening his arms around me. "It's not your fault."
Jackson knew exactly what I was feeling but he was wrong. It was my fault. I had been happily spinning a new life for myself, complete with a new boyfriend, while Sean was still reeling from our breakup. I had left him to come to terms of my betrayal on his own while I acted as if I didn't have a care in the world. My worst transgression hadn't been leaving him. It had been my lie that I never would.
"Jackson, I need to go see him."
"I was afraid you were going to say that," he said with a heavy sigh. I pulled back slightly so that I could look Jackson in the eyes.
"I know this is the worst time for this to happen, but I'll never forgive myself if I don't go see him." I didn't add that Sean had been asking for me. I didn't want to fuel the flames.
Jackson nodded reluctantly. "As much as I don't like it, I understand."
"Thank you," I said, relieved that Jackson wasn't going to fight me on this. I should have known that he would be understanding. "I'll join you in California as soon as I can. It'll probably just be a couple of days."
Jackson's mouth thinned as he looked at me. "I'm going with you."
"Jackson, you can't! You have to be in L.A. tomorrow. You can't risk being late. They already have your schedule set."
Jackson shook his head stubbornly. "They'll just have to push it back. There's no way you're going to Maryland by yourself." His face gentled as he caressed my cheek. "And it's not just because you're going to see Sean, although I have to admit I'm not crazy about the idea. I don't want you going through this by yourself. It's going to be painful."
I took a deep breath as I thought about how to approach this. I wasn't going to let Jackson risk his big break because of me and I had a feeling guilt was the answer.
"Jackson, I appreciate that you want to come with me. I really do. And normally I would be grateful for the offer, but don't do this to me. Don't put the burden of you potentially losing this role on me. You can't start demanding that they push back your schedule before you've even started." I held up my hand when Jackson opened his mouth to speak, stopping him. "This is hard enough for me as it is. If you come with me, I'll just be stressed out about whether or not they'll fire you. I don't think I can handle one more thing right now."
Jackson frowned but he seemed to be considering my words. "I still don't feel
right about this. I should be there to comfort you, to make sure you're okay."
"You will be, by going on ahead to L.A. It'll be a huge comfort to know that you're there, starting to work. It'll give me something to look forward to. Please."
I knew I had won when Jackson's shoulders slumped. I felt bad about using guilt as a tactic, but everything I had said was true. I could never forgive myself if I was the one to wreck Jackson's first big role.
I was able to find a flight to Maryland leaving that night, so I rushed to the airport in a cab along with Jackson since he insisted on dropping me off.
"Call me when you get there," Jackson said as we stood by the security checkpoint.
"I will. I'm so sorry about all of this. I'll try to make it to L.A. as soon as possible."
Jackson held me tight as he kissed me and I forgot we were in an airport as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He kissed me fiercely, as if he were trying to leave his mark on me. I kissed him back wholeheartedly, my blood heating as desire coursed through me, even with everything happening.
"I love you, Emma," he whispered when we broke apart. "Don't forget that."
"I could never forget that. I love you too. I'll call you later."
I gave Jackson a half-hearted wave as I went through security. The last sight I had of Jackson before I disappeared past the barricades was of him standing by the security ropes, looking worried and anxious.
Chapter Eleven
The next day was torture. I had arrived too late to visit Sean at the hospital after my flight landed but I went there first thing in the morning on Sunday. My mother declined joining me, saying that she couldn't look at Sean without sobbing. The fact that Sean was in the same hospital as my father, the hospital where he had passed away, made everything so much worse.
I hesitantly opened the door to Sean's room, steeling myself for whatever I would find behind it. I tried to hide my reaction when I walked in. Sean was lying on the bed, but he didn't look like the Sean I remembered. Sean had been vibrant and healthy, full of good cheer and humor. The Sean that was lying in the hospital bed was ashen and lifeless, his sandy brown hair a stark contrast to his pale complexion. There were bandages on his arms and scrapes along his face, and I made an effort not to look at his still legs that were beneath the hospital blanket. He was connected to several machines that beeped ominously and his blue eyes looked listless, but I couldn't help but notice that they brightened when he saw me.