by S. H. Kolee
"I'm on my way."
I ran outside and slid into the driver's seat of my mother's car, my hand shaking as I turned the key in the ignition. I tried to calm myself on the short drive over, knowing that I must look crazy. I was still wearing the crumpled clothes from the day before that I had fallen asleep in, my hair wild and eyes frantic.
Mrs. Somers' eyes were red and puffy when I arrived at the hospital. She looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She surprised me by giving me a hug when she saw me, but I didn't question it as I hugged her back. It was a painful reminder of how close we had once been.
"I don't know what to do, Emma," she whispered. "He's barely talking. All he keeps saying is that he doesn't want to spend his life dependent on other people."
"Should I go see him? What if I make it worse?" I took a deep breath. "After all, this is my fault."
Mrs. Somers' shook her head. "I'm angry at you, Emma. So angry I could spit. What you did to Sean was inexcusable. But...I can't make you responsible for his life. He's the one making these choices."
Instead of helping me, Mrs. Somers' words pained me. Everyone was making excuses for me, even her. The mother of the man I had destroyed.
"I think you should go in and see him. Maybe you can get him talking."
I took a deep breath before stepping into the room. Sean's eyes followed me dully as I walked over to him, trying not to look at his bandaged wrists.
"Hi, Sean," I said quietly.
"I guess you heard." Sean limply lifted one wrist and then let it fall back on the bed. "I can't seem to do anything right."
"Sean, please. You don't want this. You have your whole life ahead of you. I know how incredibly angry you must be right now. You have every right to be. But please, not this. Don't do something that you'll regret. Don't do something that everyone who loves you will regret."
Sean turned to me, his eyes full of pain. "It's okay, Emma. You don't have to humor me anymore. I know you want to leave. I know that you're with someone else now. I was determined to get you back. But one stupid impulse when I was feeling hopeless made that impossible. And now I can't seem to stop making bad decisions. There's nothing I can offer you. You can go, Emma. It's okay."
Sean's words scared me more than if he had been insisting that I stay with him. He seemed completely hopeless now. Before I had seen a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Now it was extinguished.
"Sean, you have to promise me you won't try to hurt yourself again," I said urgently, panic rising in me as Sean just stared at me blankly. "Promise me."
"I promise, Emma."
With those three words, my fate was sealed. Sean and I had spent a decade together, sharing confidences and dreams, surviving the anguish of losing my father and the pain of Sean's father abandoning him. Despite everything that had happened, I knew Sean better than anyone else. And I knew he was lying.
I sat in his hospital room for the next hour, watching his mother try to talk to him while he answered her with one word replies. I was amazed at how calmly I could sit there while my world was falling apart. Last night, when I had been sobbing with misery, I had wondered if I had made a mistake. Maybe I was sacrificing my happiness, but more importantly Jackson's happiness, for a misplaced sense of obligation. I had been on the verge of deciding that it was too much to give up. That I would call Jackson today and apologize, tell him he was right, and get on the next plane to California.
All that had changed.
With a promise of visiting tomorrow, I left the hospital, but I didn't drive home. I drove to Troyer Way, a popular hangout for teenagers with a wide green expanse of grass where cars were often parked.
I parked my car by the road and got out, walking along a path. It was odd that no one was here now. This place was usually full of laughing teenagers on a Saturday afternoon. Maybe Sean's grisly accident was keeping them away. My mother told me that they had to shear the car in half to get Sean out.
My throat tightened as I walked up to a towering oak tree, the lush limbs swaying in the light breeze. You would have never known that someone had tried to kill himself with this tree, the trunk looking strong and unblemished.
I sat down next to it, leaning my back against the trunk as I looked up, catching glimpses of blue sky between the limbs. It looked like a halcyon day. I realized today was the first day of fall, my favorite season. When the air began to get crisp enough that you dug into the back of your closet for your favorite warm sweater, the leaves turning color so that everywhere you looked was a canvas of art. It was a season of change, to prepare you for the chill of winter so that you could experience the rebirth of spring.
I sat by the tree for a long time, contemplating my life and future. I had moved to New York to become the new Emma Mills, only to find that the old me refused to budge. I decided to accept that.
On the drive home, I thought about what I would say to Jackson. I wouldn't lie to him. I had promised before that I would never lie to him. As much as I loved him, I had to stay here in Merrittsville to make sure Sean was okay. It wasn't that I was choosing Sean over him. I was choosing to face my responsibility. I didn't expect Jackson to wait for me, especially since I couldn't promise when I would be ready to leave here. I couldn't think beyond that, because it was too painful to contemplate. To know that there was a chance I would lose Jackson forever almost made me forget about Sean, to ignore my responsibilities. But then I remembered the dull look of hopelessness in Sean's eyes.
Despite my decision, I was still a coward. Jackson had said he would call me when he was ready, and I wasn't prepared to disregard his wishes by calling him. I told myself that was the only reason I didn't call him, not because I wanted to postpone the inevitable conversation as much as possible.
When Jackson didn't call on Saturday, my mood went from bad to horrible. Maybe I wouldn't even need to have the conversation with Jackson. Maybe he had already given up on me.
Chapter Twelve
Sunday had the audacity to be another beautiful day. My visit with Sean was uneventful as he spent most of it silent, barely answering me. I spent the rest of the day at home, resentful that my mother was spending a lot of time out of the house because she wanted to avoid the tumultuous situation. I was also heartbroken that I hadn't heard from Jackson yet.
So when I answered the door, wondering who it could possibly be, I was shocked to find Jackson standing before me. He looked tired with dark circles under his eyes and his hair tousled as if he had been running his fingers through it. His complexion was pale and his face looked drawn. I had never seen a more beautiful sight in my life.
Jackson quirked his mouth as I continued to just stand there gaping at him, drinking in the sight of him.
"Are you going to let me in?"
"Of course!" I exclaimed, startled out of my reverie. I stepped back to let him in, uncertain of his mood or why he was here. "I'm just surprised to find you on my doorstep. This is a long way from California."
Jackson didn't say anything as he swooped down, gathering me in his arms and burying his face in my hair. I clutched at him, feeling relief and joy at being in his arms again, relishing the feel of his body against mine. I had been terrified that I would never see him again, let alone be held in his arms again.
Jackson pulled back after a few moments although he didn't release me from the circle of his arms. He looked down at me, a faint smile on his lips but his eyes were serious. "This has been about the worst three days of my life."
"Jackson-" I started, but nothing more was said as he claimed my lips with his, kissing me gently until urgency took over and we started kissing each other ravenously, the separation having been acute, building the pressure of our desire.
"Wait," I said breathlessly, breaking the kiss and pushing him back so that I could see his face. "We need to talk."
Jackson sighed. "Talking doesn't seem to solve anything."
"Please, Jackson. We need to discuss some things."
I led h
im to the living room and onto the couch, sitting down next to him. I was now grateful that my mother wasn't home. Even though the feel and taste of him had been intoxicating, it didn't change the circumstances of our situation.
"I can't tell you how happy I am to see you, but what made you decide to come all the way out here?"
"I wanted to talk to you in person. I can't see you on the phone. I can't hold you. I need to see for myself why you're insisting on staying here."
I sighed heavily. "I won't lie that I was having second thoughts about staying here." I held up my hand when I saw Jackson's eyes brighten, not wanting to give him false hope. "But my mind is made up. Sean tried to kill himself again. He doesn't think there's anything to live for because he doesn't think he'll ever walk again."
Jackson's eyes darkened at my admission, but he just nodded his head. "Even though I didn't know about Sean trying to kill himself again, I was pretty sure you weren't changing your mind." He took a deep breath before continuing. "That's why I've decided to stay here with you. We'll stay here until you feel comfortable enough to leave Sean. We'll figure out what to do afterwards when the time comes."
I shook my head, not understanding him. "What do you mean you're staying here? What about the movie?"
"I quit."
"What?!" I screeched, hoping against all hope that this was a dream and that I would be waking up soon. When all that happened was Jackson looking back at me with a satisfied smile, I felt my heart start to beat erratically. I was doing it again. I was ruining someone's life because they cared too much about me.
"I asked them if it was possible to push back the filming date, but I knew that they'd never agree to it, especially when I couldn't even tell them when I wanted to push it back to. So I thanked them for considering me and I quit. Even though I signed the contract, Mark doesn't think they'll pursue any legal action. It's more of a bother than it's worth."
I shook my head, horrified as I realized what Jackson had done. "Jackson, no! You can't do this! This was a chance of a lifetime! You can't just throw it all away for me."
"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for us." Jackson caught me by the chin, looking at me intently. "I meant it when I said I would be happy as long as we're together, no matter what. If you need to be here, then I need to be here too."
"Jackson, I can't have you give this up for me. No matter what you say, you are giving this up for me. And I can't handle that kind of burden!"
"It's no burden, Emma. I'm doing it gladly. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The rest of my life doesn't start six months from now when you feel that Sean's ready to be on his own. It starts today."
I felt panic and fear clawing at my chest. I couldn't do this. Whether Jackson knew it or not, he would eventually start to resent me. He would wonder what his life could have been like if I hadn't ruined it with my obligation. And it was my obligation, not his.
"Please, Jackson. I'm begging you. Call them and say you made a mistake. That you had a moment of insanity. Anything!"
Jackson brushed my cheek with the back of his hand, the gentleness and love in his touch killing me. "Emma, listen to me. I've already made up my mind. Nothing is going to change that. I can work as a personal trainer in a local gym around here and we can rent a place until we're ready to leave."
I remembered telling him that I would be happy as long as we were together, even if I was flipping burgers and he was a bag boy at a supermarket. And it was true, but only if it was by choice. Jackson didn't have a choice in this. I was forcing his hand.
I looked up at Jackson, tears falling down my face. I wanted to tell him that I had changed my mind, and that I would go to California with him, but I knew that was impossible. If I did that, I would start to hate myself for abandoning Sean. I was afraid I would start to hate Jackson too.
I took a deep breath, knowing what I had to do. I steeled my resolve, telling myself to remember that I was doing it for Jackson. Because I loved him.
"Jackson, I'm not telling you the whole truth." My heart turned when he furrowed his brow but I forced myself to continue. "Being back here...seeing Sean...I've realized I made a mistake. I should have never left him."
Jackson's face whitened as he dropped my hand that he had been holding. A look of terror crossed his face as he shook his head. "No. Emma, no."
"I'm sorry," I said, openly sobbing now, my heart feeling as if it was being squeezed in a vice.
Jackson grabbed the hand that he had dropped, squeezing it so tightly that it hurt. "Sweetheart, why are you doing this? I said I would stay here with you. Please!"
I dropped my head, watching the tears fall from my face onto my lap. It was too much. I didn't know if I could go through with it. Then I imagined Jackson leading a life of drudgery, always wondering "what if." I couldn't let that happen.
I raised my head and pulled my hand out of his, wiping the tears from my face. I took a deep breath, unable to keep from shuddering as I strove to calm myself.
"I can't tell you how sorry I am, Jackson. It's not that I don't have feelings for you. But I realized that Sean and I belong together."
Jackson's face was taut, agony etched over every surface of his face. It killed me that his eyes were glassy with tears. I didn't know what I would do if he started crying.
"You're lying, I know you're lying." Jackson grabbed my hands again, desperately clutching them as he pleaded with me. "Emma, tell me you're lying! Goddammit, you're lying!"
"I'm not lying," I whispered, knowing that I had broken the promise of always telling him the truth. "I'm sorry, Jackson. I'm so sorry."
Jackson pulled me to him, burying his face in my neck. I could feel his tears against my skin and I couldn't stop shaking, a part of me not being able to believe what I was doing.
"Sweetheart, please," he begged, his face still against my neck. "Don't do this to us. I can't live without you."
I felt physical pain as I restrained myself from soothing him, from rubbing my hands down his back that was shaking with sobs. I didn't do anything except sit there, my hands laying limply on my lap.
This is for Jackson, I kept telling myself. You need to do this for Jackson.
I didn't move as Jackson's shudders gradually stopped, clenching my hands into fists to quell the desperate desire to comfort him. Jackson sat up, looking at me with red-rimmed eyes and devastation across his face. "You told me we would be together forever."
I couldn't take any more. I buried my face in my hands, my body wracked with sobs and I cried for everything I was losing, everything I was throwing away. There was something wrong with me. I told strong beautiful men that I would be with them forever, that I would love them forever. Then I destroyed them.
After my sobs subsided, I looked up at Jackson. He was watching me with dead eyes, his mouth in a thin line.
"Is this your decision then? You're choosing Sean?"
I nodded, although I was screaming liar inside my head.
He stood up, his face a mask. There was no longer any emotion on his face, except for a flash of disgust as he looked down at me.
"I'm going to be the biggest regret of your life."
Jackson left, slamming the front door behind him. I heard the engine of a car and then he was gone. I sat on the couch for hours after he left. When my mother came home and asked me what was wrong, I laughed hysterically and then started sobbing. She held me, but didn't ask me again what was wrong, and I didn't volunteer any information.
It took me a week to realize that Jackson was right. He was the biggest regret of my life. I had thrown away something precious because of a misguided sense of duty. If Jackson wanted to give up his big break to be with me, why was I the one protesting?
With my heart in my throat, I called him late one night. I didn't know whether he was back in New York or in California. I was startled when a female voice answered his cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Uh, is Jackson there?"
"Em
ma, is that you?"
"Claire?" I felt a sense of relief from hearing her voice. I wasn't sure why she was picking up Jackson's phone, but I welcomed an ally wherever I could find one. "Claire, thank God it's you. I was a little taken aback when a woman picked up Jackson's phone. Is he there?"
"Emma," Claire said, sounding nervous. "I figured you'd be the last person to call. I thought you guys were over."
"I made a huge mistake. I can't believe I was so stupid. Is Jackson there? I need to talk to him."
"Emma, I feel horrible telling you this but...Jackson and I are together now."
I was silent as my brain tried to process what she had just said. I was sure I had just misheard her. "What did you say?"
Claire sighed heavily. "I'm so sorry, Emma. We never meant for it to get serious, but...things just got out of control."
"Claire!" I screamed, panic overtaking me. "What the fuck are you talking about!?"
"We're in love," she whispered, sounding pained. "We thought we were just having fun, but then our feelings got in the way."
"Is this some kind of sick joke? Is Jackson trying to get back at me for breaking up with him? How the hell can you be telling me that you and Jackson have fallen in love in the span of a week!?"
"I never meant to hurt you. I knew he was in love with you and we were just having fun on the side. It's been going on for a long time, longer than you two have been together. You were never supposed to find out. But once you were out of the picture, he realized he loved me. I feel the same way."
I was trembling with rage, not believing a word she was saying. "Put Jackson on the phone now!"
I heard her talk to someone in the background and I froze when I heard the faint but distinct sound of Jackson's voice. I couldn't make out what he was saying but I knew it was him. If my heart had been shattered before, it was now obliterated into a million pieces, disappearing in a haze of despair.
"I'm sorry, Emma," Claire said, coming back to the phone. "He doesn't want to talk to you. He said that you guys discussed everything that needed to be said when he was in Merrittsville and there's nothing left to talk about."