by S. H. Kolee
It was hard not to jump every time my phone rang, wondering if it was Jackson. I found myself constantly checking my phone, feeling both relief and disappointment when I didn't hear from him. I told myself that even though I still had the same phone number as when we were dating, it probably wasn't noteworthy enough for Jackson to remember it. I put away the necklace he had given me, telling myself that it was a mistake to wear it, but it didn't stop me from thinking about him.
Long ago, I had banned myself from looking him up on the internet. It was too painful to see pictures of him with other women, to delve into the details of his life, whether they were reported accurately or not. But my last encounter with Jackson made the temptation too great and I soon found myself searching his name online. That's how I found out he was currently abroad promoting his movie. It made me breathe a little easier, realizing that there was an ocean separating me from Jackson.
Two weeks later, I was still feeling vulnerable from what had happened between Jackson and me when Drew knocked on my open office door.
"Hi, Emma, do you have a moment?"
"Sure, come in." I watched Drew stride into my office and settle into the chair opposite my desk.
"So, how do you like working at Forrester so far?" Drew was tapping his thumb on his leg, a restless movement that was at odds with his confident and commanding demeanor. He seemed fidgety, something I never associated with Drew.
"I really like it. Everyone has been great and I really like the clients I'm working with." I paused, waiting for Drew to tell me the reason he had stopped by.
"Good, I'm glad to hear that."
I cleared my throat when Drew continued to sit there, watching me. He had stopped fidgeting but the intensity of his gaze discomfited me even more.
"Did you need something, Drew?" I asked gently. He smiled faintly, as if he were slightly embarrassed.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to just sit here staring at you. I was wondering if you wanted to get together for a drink after work today."
I sat there flummoxed, not understanding the intent behind his request. I wanted to assume that he was just being a friendly colleague, but I had a feeling there was something more behind the invitation.
"I'm not sure what time I'll be done. I have a lot of work to get through."
"I can wait. I have plenty of work to do too."
"Well..." I stalled, not knowing how to ask if this was just a friendly drink or if he was asking me out. I didn't know how to refuse either way, since he had volunteered to wait until I was finished with my work.
"I'm usually not this clumsy asking a woman out," Drew said with a wry grin. "I'd rather ask you to dinner, but Celeste said I was better off asking you out for drinks."
"What does Celeste have to do with this?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. Celeste had been on a mission to set me up once she found out I was single, and I was mortified to think that she had pressured Drew into asking me out.
"I didn't know if you were involved with someone, so I asked Celeste," he admitted. "Celeste, being Celeste, didn't let things rest until I told her I was interested."
"I'm flattered, Drew, but it's probably not a good idea to get involved considering we work for the same company." And I was flattered that someone as accomplished and attractive as Drew Stephens was asking me out, but I couldn't banish the thought of Jackson from my mind.
"Forrester is pretty lax," Drew said. "There's no non-fraternization policy and we don't work directly together." He frowned before continuing. "This is the worst way to ask a woman out. Let me be frank. I'm interested in you. I've been interested since we both worked at Mass Comm, but I was in a relationship then and I believe you were as well. You're beautiful, smart and ambitious. I admire that."
I swallowed, not knowing how to respond to such a candid admission of interest. I was about to gently refuse when I thought about Jackson with Candace Stile. During my self-destructive searches online, I had seen a picture of them together in Spain, taking time out from promoting their movie to enjoy the sights. She had been leaning into him, looking up at him and laughing. I had been sickened that the image still had the power to cut me, to make me ache to be the woman that Jackson looked down at so lovingly. At the same time, I was disgusted that Jackson hadn't changed. He had pawed at me while he was in a relationship with another woman.
Drew Stephens had everything to offer a woman and he was interested in me. Work was just an excuse since I knew he was right - Forrester didn't frown on interoffice relationships as long as they didn't involve direct reports. I needed to cultivate a life outside of work, and Drew was an attractive distraction from obsessing over Jackson.
"How can I say no to that?" I responded with a wry smile. "I'd love to get a drink with you after work."
"Great," Drew said beaming. "Just let me know when you're ready to leave."
I was able to push both Jackson and Drew to the back of my mind for the remainder of the day, busy with meetings and clients. I wasn't surprised when Marie announced that Celeste was on the phone for me, claiming it was urgent.
"Hi, Celeste," I said, resigned to the interrogation I knew I would be receiving.
"I had to wait until Drew left for a meeting so that I could call you! What happened?"
"You mean you weren't hiding in the hallway listening to the entire conversation?" I asked, only half-joking.
"I wish," Celeste harrumphed. "Marie shooed me away, telling me it wasn't professional to crouch in the hall."
I reminded myself to thank Marie later. "You know just as much as I do. Drew asked me out for drinks tonight and I accepted."
"I knew you would say yes!" Celeste squealed. "Drew just raised his eyebrows when I asked what happened and then gave me a stack of folders to file. He's never really shared anything about his personal life with me, so I about fell over when he asked me about you earlier."
All the information I knew about Drew was from Celeste, and she didn't know much about him beyond work, despite having been his assistant for years. He seemed like a very private person, much to Celeste's chagrin, and all I knew was that he traveled a lot for work and had never been married.
"I think I need to follow his lead and stop disclosing details about my personal life to you."
"You wouldn't!" Celeste sounded horrified, as if I told her I kidnapped babies in my spare time.
"You'd get it out of me sooner or later," I said chuckling. "Now I really have to get back to work or I'll never be able to meet Drew later and give you all the details tomorrow."
"Okay, no problem!" Celeste said eagerly. "Remember, I want all the details."
I felt a hollow pang as I put the phone receiver back in the cradle. Celeste's words were reminiscent of the past when she would make me promise to share all the details of my relationship with Jackson. I remembered the giddiness I felt when I recounted one of Jackson's sweet gestures to her, and the excitement Celeste had shared when Jackson had given me the diamond pendant. I reminded myself that those memories were tainted with Jackson's betrayal.
It was almost eight o'clock when I finally powered down my computer, happy with the amount of work I had accomplished. The halls were quiet since a lot of people had already left for the day. I quickly dialed Drew's extension, waiting for him to pick up since I knew Celeste was gone.
"Hi, Drew, thanks for waiting," I said when he picked up. "I'm ready if you are."
"I'll be right over."
I freshened up my make-up while I waited for Drew, trying to muster some enthusiasm for the date. An attractive, successful man was interested in me but instead of feeling nervous and excited, I was wishing I could just go home and crawl into bed.
I smiled when Drew strode into my office, telling myself I would have a good time. We went to a bar nearby and I tried to relax, hoping the vodka tonic I had ordered would loosen me up.
"So tell me about yourself, Emma Mills," Drew asked, leaning forward in his chair. "I don't know much about you except that you're an amazing a
ccount director."
"There's not much to tell," I replied with a faint smile. "I grew up in Maryland and lived in D.C. for the past five years after I left Mass Comm." I didn't want to discuss the circumstances of why I had left Mass Comm, which I was sure Drew knew about, so I quickly changed the subject to him. "What about you? Where did you grow up?"
I listened to Drew tell me about his childhood in Boston and we had an easy conversation as we went through the usual first date topics. I learned that Drew had grown up with a single mother who had taken care of him and his sister by working multiple jobs to keep a roof over their head. Drew had worked as a carpenter to put himself through college, earning a 4.0 GPA while barely having time to sleep. He had built himself up from meager beginnings and I admired the self-made man who became a success through sheer determination and will, coupled with a brilliant mind. But despite my admiration, I didn't feel a spark with him. I didn't feel the need to know as much about him as I possibly could. It was hard not thinking about Jackson while Drew was talking, wondering what he was doing and who he was doing it with. So when we stepped outside of the bar after a few drinks, it was easy to refuse his request for another date.
"I'm sorry, Drew." And I really was. I wished that I felt something for him. I could use him to take my mind off Jackson, but I knew that was unfair to Drew. So I lied, knowing that despite my excuse, I would have welcomed a relationship at this state of my life. "I had a great time tonight, but things are a little complicated in my life right now. I don't really have room for a relationship. I'm sorry if I misled you by agreeing to a drink tonight."
Drew looked disappointed but he took the rejection with grace. "I'm sorry to hear that, but I hope we can remain friends. Let me know if your life ever uncomplicates."
I was grateful for Drew's acceptance of my excuse and his willingness to settle for a friendship. I promised to have lunch with him soon and was relieved when a cab whisked me back home, happy to be in the comfort of my apartment.
I forced myself not to turn on my laptop and search for news about Jackson, turning on the television instead and mindlessly eating M&M's while watching a terrible sitcom. I was midway through the family-sized bag when my phone rang, jerking me away from my self-induced chocolate haze. My heart leapt in my throat when I saw Jackson's name flashing across the screen of my cell phone. I was surprised that his number was still the same. I had assumed that since he became a celebrity, he would have changed his cell phone number for the sake of privacy. That didn't stop me from keeping his number programmed in my phone all these years, as pathetic as it was.
I grabbed the phone and answered it, cursing my eagerness.
"Hello?" I said tentatively.
"Emma. I didn't think you would answer." Jackson sounded tired and relieved and my pulse quickened from hearing his voice.
"What do you want, Jackson?"
"I need to see you." He exhaled harshly. "I know I made an ass out of myself last time. I promise not to act like an animal again. We can meet in public, if that makes you feel better."
"Haven't we already said everything we need to? What's the point of dredging up the past?"
"You said you would answer my questions. I wasn't able to ask you everything I needed to last time because...I got carried away. Just one last time. Let's meet one last time, and then I'll leave you alone."
"Are you sure Candace is going to be okay with that?" I couldn't help myself from throwing out the barb, my tone catty and snide.
"All the stuff you see online and in tabloids is crap," Jackson replied flatly. "She's strictly a friend."
"Pictures don't lie, Jackson," I countered accusingly. "You two seemed pretty cozy. Shouldn't you try being faithful? You might like the novelty of it."
Jackson breathed in deeply, as if he was trying to reign in his temper. "Those were just some photo ops of us in the countries we visited during our promo tour. It's strictly professional."
I was afraid to agree to meet up with Jackson. Afraid of the feelings that would surface if I saw him again. I had fooled myself into believing I was over him, but our last encounter made me realize that five years wasn't enough to erase my feelings for him. I felt pathetic and vulnerable, realizing that even his infidelity didn't have the power to make me hate him.
"Please, Emma," Jackson pleaded softly when I didn't answer.
I should have refused. I should have demanded that he ask me the questions over the phone, that there was no need to meet in person. But my sick heart hungered to see him again. I promised myself that it would just be this one last time.
"Okay."
Jackson breathed a sigh of relief. "I get back into New York on Saturday morning. I can meet you at noon. Why don't we meet at Andrews, the coffee shop we used to go to in the East Village?"
The thought of our old coffee shop, where we had spent countless mornings eating greasy diner food and lingering over coffee was painful to remember, but I agreed. After I hung up the phone, I wondered if I was a masochist. It seemed as if I was running headfirst into heartbreak, but I was unable to stop myself.
The self-destructive behavior continued when I took the diamond pendant out of my jewelry box and fastened it around my neck again. I could never bring myself to sell it, even though it held painful memories. I slept restlessly that night, clutching the pendant in my hand and wishing that things could have turned out differently.
Drew stayed true to his word and we were able to strike up an easy friendship at work, despite Celeste's disappointment that we hadn't started dating. I was grateful for his guidance and advice, since he had a lot of knowledge that I was eager to tap into since he was a vice president at Forrester. Our promised lunch was a mixture of business and pleasure and I was surprised at how funny he was. I had always thought of Drew as serious, and even on our date he had seemed buttoned up, but now that the possibility of a dating relationship had passed he seemed relaxed and laid back.
Despite the distraction of work and Drew, the next few days seemed to crawl at a snail's pace and I kept wishing the hours would go by faster, yearning to see Jackson. I told myself it was because I was looking forward to finally getting closure on our relationship so that I could move on with my life, but I knew that was an excuse.
Saturday was sunny and hot and I dressed with more care than usual. I hoped my white shorts and blue oversized shirt with wedges made me look casual yet trendy. I didn't want Jackson to think I had put too much effort into my appearance, but I wanted his last encounter with me to make an impression. I had foolishly been wearing the diamond pendant since I had put it on the night of our phone conversation, but I made sure to take it off before leaving the apartment. The last thing I needed was for Jackson to see me wearing it, mortified that he would think I was still pining away for him.
I tried to remain calm when I climbed out of the cab in front of Andrews and saw Jackson standing in front of the diner. He was wearing another baseball cap, along with jeans and a green t-shirt. It was unfair that it took me so long to be satisfied with my appearance today yet Jackson looked amazing even though he had probably just thrown on clothes without a second thought.
"Hi," I said cautiously when I approached him, not knowing what the mood of our encounter would be today.
"Thanks for coming. I was afraid that you weren't going to show up." Jackson rocked back on his heels, looking uncomfortable as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "Let's go inside."
Jackson opened the door and I was careful not to brush up against him when I walked past him. Stepping into Andrews brought back a rush of memories. The diner looked exactly the same as it had five years ago. Even the aroma of grease and coffee was the same. We settled in a booth in a quiet corner of the diner, away from prying eyes. The last thing I wanted was for someone to recognize Jackson and start snapping pictures. The advent of the camera phone made every citizen into potential paparazzi.
"Aren't you worried about being recognized? Maybe you should be wearing sun
glasses."
Jackson gave a faint smile. "New York is much better than L.A. The paparazzi don't hound you as much and New Yorkers don't really seem to care much about celebrities."
"If you say so," I said skeptically. Despite the ennui that many New Yorkers portrayed, I had seen their eager stares that night at Eleven Madison Park and I had definitely seen their phones held up to take pictures.
A waitress stopped by to take our order and I saw that some things had changed at Andrews. Darcy, an older woman with a grey streaked bun and a wicked sense of humor had been our usual waitress, but now a twenty-something girl took our order with an air of boredom.
"I'll have a coffee."
"Aren't you eating?" Jackson asked with a frown.
I shook my head. "No, but you go ahead if you're hungry." I watched Jackson order a coffee along with a breakfast laden with cholesterol and fat. I wanted to make a joke after the waitress left about watching his waistline for all his adoring female fans, but I bit my lip. We weren't friends and I had to remember the circumstances that we were meeting under. We were former lovers that had hurt each other and were now simply trying to lay our past to rest.
I expected Jackson to launch into his questions, but he just gave me a grim smile, fiddling with his cup of coffee.
"You look tired," I commented when the silence grew to be too much. Jackson had dark circles under his eyes and looked exhausted.
"I just flew in from Japan and I'm fighting jet lag."
I raised my eyebrows as I took a sip of my coffee to have something to do. "I assumed you were in L.A. when you called me, and was flying in from there."
"No, I just finished my last round of promotions in Europe and Asia. Thankfully, now I can just have some time to myself."
"That's good." I cleared my throat, wanting to get this over with. The longer I was with Jackson, the more vulnerable I felt. "So, go ahead and ask your questions."
"Do you mind if we shelve that until after I eat? I'm exhausted and starving, and I don't think I can take a stressful conversation on an empty stomach." Jackson looked up from his coffee cup that he had been staring at. "For a little while, can we just pretend that we're two friends catching up on each other's lives? If this is the last time we see each other, I don't want it all to be bitterness and past regrets."