by Lyra Shanti
“Dream of the spirits, the kindling of the forest,
They will dance in the fire, unbeknownst when you sleep.
Dance, dance… like waves of light in the night.
Dance, dance… like songs of love in your heart.”
Meddhi gave a slight smile, then took a deep breath. He felt so different from when he was a young priest, no longer afraid of nature or love. He finally felt free.
Yet, the irony of his new understanding did not escape his weary mind, and his smile quickly faded into sadness. “I’m so sorry, Amya,” he whispered, lying down to rest by the fire. Looking directly into the flames, he continued, “I should have married you. I should have been brave enough to raise Ayn, our beautiful son, without cowardice, and without judgment. I should have told him the truth long ago. Amya… please forgive me. I don’t even know how to speak to our son now without remorse. What should I do? Please, Amya, I beg of you to tell me… in dreams, or in spirit, or here in the flames. Find a way, my love, my forever queen. Please tell me… how can I make amends?”
Waiting for a reply he knew would never come, for he had prayed many times before without hearing from his beloved queen, Meddhi fell into a deep, yet restless sleep.
He soon saw the palace, the temple, and his old room. He saw Ayn as a boy, looking up at him with those beautifully blue, sad eyes. “Ayn,” he told the boy, “I am sorry. I have failed you.” The boy shook his head with tears in his eyes, then ran away. Meddhi wanted to chase after the boy, but he was stopped by a strange flicker of light coming from his fireplace. He turned to see what was wrong, or if it needed more plasma to keep the fire going, but what he saw was something he couldn’t believe with his eyes.
“A dragon!” Meddhi exclaimed as he watched the fire grow, fluid like a water made of hot magma.
“A fire dragon, in particular,” the ethereal being said as she congealed into form in front of him. Naked and glowing golden-red, she was both fire and flesh. Meddhi instantly knew she was a Goddess of old.
“Siya…” he slowly whispered in realization.
“Yes, and I am here to show you the light,” she said as she held up her hand. She opened her fingers wide, and between each finger, Meddhi saw a universe of color and dimension. As he looked harder, he heard music, the kind of music his parents used to play, resonant and true.
Memories invaded his mind as he saw his mother and father, laughing and singing. Beside his parents were their traveling troupe of singers, musicians, and actors, all of them kindhearted and joyful. As a boy, Meddhi loved them all like they were family.
Suddenly, his memory turned bitter when he vividly remembered the day The Tah rebels came to their caravan, demanding drinks and songs. After badgering his father, they turned their attentions to his mother, threatening rape. Meddhi saw his father stand up for his mother, and then everything turned to blood.
The entire troupe had been killed. Even the jester, Senate, who had given nothing but laughter in his long career, was slain mercilessly without purpose. Meddhi couldn’t recall how he had escaped as a boy. There was a vague feeling that his mother had told him to run, and so he did, and for a long, long time.
Lost within his memories, he only came out of the trance of Siya’s fingers when she said, “You are looking for answers, Meddhi, but you will not find them inside the coldness of the mountains, nor will you find what you seek in the spirit of your old lover, for she is wavering between worlds and cannot help you. No… what you seek, you will only find within yourself and your own heart. But you already know this, do you not? Yet, you remain hidden in the mountains. Why do you hide, Meddhi, when you know what you must do?”
Looking at her fiery eyes, he shook his head, confused. “What do you mean? What must I do?”
“You know it already, silly man,” she said with a knowing smile. “But I will remind you. Look into my heart… deep into my soul. I know you’ve seen it before. See it again now, and do not be afraid.”
Looking at her chest, he saw no breasts, but mounds of fire. Inside her femininity, he saw gardens of life: bugs, animals, flowers, and streams. He then saw storms and raging fires. “Why must I see all this?” he asked, slightly panicked.
“You must remember all that there is, and all that is at stake, if your son were to give up the fight for life.”
“My son? Is Ayn in trouble? Does he need me?”
Siya smiled and said, “Your son needs you more than ever before. And while you confront your fears in the mountains, he will be tested. Without your guidance, he will falter, and he may not find the strength to face the fire.”
“The fire? What do you mean?” Meddhi asked, wishing he could grab onto her shoulders to shake the truth out.
“No… I will not tell you everything,” she replied before placing two fingers to her lips. Slowly breaking into a laugh, she began to dance, her fluid hips wavering like candlelight.
“Tell me! Please!” Meddhi shouted as she danced.
She laughed again and then began to sing.
“Reach into your heart… go to the fire.
Reach into your heart… go to the fire.”
Over and over, she sang the same words until Meddhi could no longer stand it. He grabbed onto her arms and squeezed, foolishly trying to force her to speak without riddles. Instead, his own skin rose in temperature, distracting him from his goal. He felt as though the dancing red dragon would slowly cover his entire body in her spreading flames.
She cackled and spit at his face and screamed, “GO TO THE FIRE!”
Feeling as if he were going to burst apart from the intense heat, Meddhi darted up from the covers he had been lying on in the forest. The night air was cool, clean, and crisp… and yet, he was burning up.
That dream… so real, he thought as he wiped his sweat-covered brow. Why did I dream about the red dragon?
As he sat in contemplation, he remembered that the legend of Siya was one of Ayn’s favorite stories as a child. Wait… he thought, Siya said that Ayn needs me. I must reach into my heart… and Ayn is my heart. I must go back to the palace! That is the answer! My son needs me!
Standing up, Meddhi began to pack.
No more hiding… no more meditation to find myself. I have found my strength from the mountains, and I will give whatever I have inside me to my son. Thank you, Siya, for reminding me that Ayn is my heart, and that as long as he lives, so does Amya, and so do I.
By the light of the rising sun, Meddhi had put out the campfire, dismantled his tent, and was heading for the path to the Holy City.
--
“Ona? Are you listening to me?” asked the doctor as he looked at his glossy-eyed student.
“Huh?” she replied, snapping out of her brief trance. “I’m sorry, Lius, I was just…”
“Daydreaming?” he asked with a slight smile.
“Yes, well… my head just isn’t here today, I’m sorry.”
“That’s alright,” he said while closing the textbook about plasmic energy they had been discussing. “Do you want to talk about whatever is on your mind? Is it about Ayn?”
“No. I mean, yes, it’s about Ayn... but no, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Alright, well, I’m here if either of you need me. I realize it can’t be easy governing the planet, as well as dealing with your own personal issues at the same time. I just want you to know that I think of you like a second daughter, and if you need me, I’m here.”
“Thank you, Lius,” replied Ona with a sad smile. “That reminds me...” she added, “did you have time to see Srah while she was here?”
“Yes, a little,” he sighed, “though that wild husband of hers keeps her quite busy… as do the twins.”
Ona grinned as she got up to stretch her arms, “Do I detect a hint of resentment toward Axis? Don’t you like your Sarax son-in-law?”
“Of course I like him. He is a great, heroic being of ancient power who was able to help save our entire planet. On the other hand, he is also a
very young, self-absorbed young man… when he is even being a man. Lately, according to my daughter, he’s been running off at ungodly hours, changing into other forms - presumably his true Sarax form - doing who knows what with who knows who. It’s a tad bit… worrisome.”
“Oh, Lius, I’m sure Axis isn’t doing anything too terrible,” Ona said while rubbing her neck. “He’s young, that’s true, but he adores your daughter and their children. I’m sure he only wants control over his power. When he goes off like that, he always tells Srah first, and I think he will eventually figure out how to manage his transformations.”
“Well,” said Lius with a sigh, “I hope he figures it out sooner rather than later.”
Ona nodded, smiling. She had been studying as usual with Dr. Hessen for nearly three hours. Time always seemed to slip by when they did research in the office of the laboratory. Today, however, she couldn’t keep her mind still. All she could think about was whether the new hormone injections she had received for the past few months were actually working or not. Was she pregnant? Had Ayn actually inseminated her the last time they made love? Only time would tell, though she was trying her best to feel it by instinct.
She found her mind drifting into the next room where the recently regenerated body of her deceased mother lay motionless in a deep sleep. Ona had the strongest urge to talk to her mother, even if the woman didn’t possess Pira’s soul; no one really knew.
Unable to hide her feelings, she began looking toward the door of the room. Her sad eyes told Lius everything.
“Ona,” he softly spoke as he walked to her, putting his hand on her shoulder, “would you like to see Pira again?”
“No,” she said, fighting back her emotions,” I shouldn’t. The more I visit with her, the more I become dependent on a mother who may never return to me. I can’t expect her to wake up, nor even be the same woman. Look at what happened with Meddhi. He returned physically as the same man, but not emotionally or mentally. And when he did start having his memories return, he left! Poor Ayn is still a bit traumatized from the whole thing. How can I wish for the same thing? If she is meant to wake up, wouldn’t she have done so by now? If she really were my mother, wouldn’t her soul wish to be with me again?”
“Yes, Ona,” replied Lius, “but only if she has not moved on to either a place of rest or to another body. She could be reborn as a child now for all we know.”
“Perhaps...” said Ona. “I just wish I was as sure about things as you are, Doctor. How do we even know that the spark of life carries a soul? All we really know is that the particles of energy, detectable through Sri Unda’s plasmic theory, have a way of seeming like soul to us. But how can we know? How can we be certain? What if those particles of electromagnetic energy have little to do with soul, and is actually just a symptomatic coincidence?”
“Ona, you are free to ignore the data scientists have amassed, if you wish, but if the evidence we’ve collected about soul-matter is not indeed fact, it would be a huge coincidence. When Sri Unda proved that soul had matter, roughly a thousand years ago, she wrote her equations down, which caused a scandal in her time. No one believed it was even possible to pinpoint such seemingly invisible energy within us. All we knew was that our bodies generated energy, and the brain was the source for that circulating power. But as Sri began to prove her theories about plasma within the universe, she also stumbled upon the same energy within our own bodies. And when she tested her hypothesis on her husband, just before his return back to life, she documented what had occurred and how his soul had a physical, tangible matter, which could be tracked and proven with plasma-reading devices.
“Do you wish to ignore all this, Ona? Soul-matter is exactly what you and I have been studying for the past few years, among her other findings, and for good reason. It is all linked together; science and heart, soul and body...
“I wish we had more of her books, but we have enough to at least understand how the transference of soul to a physical body, and back again to soul, naturally occurs while using the plasmic energy around and inside us.”
Even after his oration, Ona looked worried. Lius furrowed his brow and continued, hoping she would show some sign of acknowledgment.
“Are you saying you doubt her work simply because you are having trouble accepting your mother’s situation? If so, I think you may be letting your personal feelings interfere with your scientific mind, and you might want to reconsider.”
“Lius…” Ona finally responded behind gritted teeth. She took a deep breath, then added, “I’m not ignoring Sri Unda’s work… but my mother is dead, and the sooner I accept that, the better.”
“Ona…” Lius replied with a sympathetic expression. He walked to her with open arms. She wasn’t able to receive his kindness, however. She stood up and folded her arms.
“Lius, I’m fine. I just… can’t go through this anymore. Maybe it’s time we took her off life support.”
“What?” he said, startled.
“I know it seems harsh, but… I can’t handle any more waiting for her to wake. The truth is, I don’t think she wants to wake, and I think we should let this body rest, whether it harnesses my mother’s soul or not.”
Lius sighed, nodding. “I understand your impatience, Ona, but as I’ve told you, there are signs of active energy in her brain. I would like to study it further, for she may have a soul after all, and if so, she is merely sleeping. There is still a chance she will wake. Will you not give her one?”
“No,” said Ona, dryly. “I’m done waiting, Lius.”
The princess walked into the room where her mother lay unconscious. The concerned doctor followed as they walked to Pira’s body.
“Look at her, Lius,” Ona whispered while approaching her mother. “She looks like a sleeping angel.” Sighing, Ona reached for Pira’s forehead and brushed a strand of her golden-brown hair. Ona felt a lump rising to her throat. I can’t do this, she thought. She’s my mother! Even if she’s not conscious, she’s still my mother! How can I let her go?
Unable to stop the tears from falling down her cheeks, Ona looked at Lius with swollen green eyes.
He felt terrible for his adopted daughter-in-law. “You don’t have to do this,” he said with a gentle voice. “You can wait longer… think it through.”
She sniffed and wiped her face. “No. If I wait longer, with each passing year, I’ll grow more and more attached! Look at me, Lius. I’m holding onto her with everything I have, trying to be a devoted daughter, and yet, I can’t make a child of my own. I can’t seem to do it, Lius! Why?!”
“Ona…” he sadly replied, not knowing what to say.
“I’m useless!” she added as she began to pace. “I’m trying so hard to be strong, but… I can’t do it! I can study theories and particles, and take hormones, but nothing works! Nothing!”
The doctor rose to his feet, then held her with a firm grasp. “Shh, Ona, it’s alright. You’re doing fine, honey, really. Just let it go, it’s alright.”
Fully sobbing, Ona clung onto him for dear life. He had become a father to her, especially ever since her own father, King Atlar, had died suddenly of plasma poisoning three years past. “I’m failing… in everything, Lius,” she muttered between tears.
“No, you’re not, sweetheart. You’re doing so very well. Everyone is proud of you… and honestly, I’ve never had a brighter student. Trust me, you’re doing wonderfully.”
She looked at him with sad, searching eyes.
“It’s true,” he added, “and as far as you having children... I have told you, honey, keep trying. It may take some time, but your chances grow with each cycle. Have faith; you and Ayn mustn’t give up.”
“Ayn…” she said, wiping her eyes, “is a problem.”
Lius gave a slight laugh and said with a wink, “Yes, well, that’s just who he is.”
She smirked, feeling a bit better. “He just doesn’t think he can have kids, and that’s that. He won’t even try with me anymore.”
/> “I’ll talk to him, Ona,” he said, patting her shoulder. “Don’t worry, I can get through to him.”
She sighed, then said, “I hope so… because I don’t think I can. He just doesn’t see it the way I do. I’m a fighter, Lius. I don’t give up easily.”
“Like your father was,” he commented, smiling.
Ona smiled in return, and then looked down at Pira and said, “Like my mother as well. You know… she fought her illness for a long time. Both Ayn and I have that in common with our mothers. They were strong women, queens of their planets… and brave… so brave.”
Lius nodded in agreement. He wasn’t sure what to say, but he could feel Ona needed to talk more than listen, and he was glad to be there for her.
“I can’t do it, Lius,” she said as she brushed her mother’s cheek. “I can’t end her life… even if it isn’t really a life she’s living like this. I can’t say goodbye. I was a little girl when I lost her to illness. I wasn’t in control of it back then. If I were to end her life purposefully now, I’d have control, but I would hate myself. I just can’t do it. Does that make me weak?”
“No,” he replied softly, “it makes you vulnerable, like the rest of us in the galaxy. You don’t have to be strong or weak, Ona. All you have to do is be you. I’m sure your mother will understand.”
She nodded, wincing slightly. Bending down, she kissed Pira’s forehead. “I love you, Mother,” she whispered. “I doubt you can hear me, but if you can, I want you to know how much I’ve always loved you. Even when I was a child, when you were not physically there, you were still with me. I have never stopped feeling you in spirit, Mother... and even if you never return to me, I will still feel you here.”