by Donna Alward
She wasn’t quite sure what to do now that her thoughts were shifting all too frequently to someone else.
Right now, on a very sunny Thursday morning, she was outside the café, watering the hot pink impatiens and purple lobelia in the window boxes and planters. She’d given Laurel free rein with the flower choices and she loved how the colors complemented the building exterior.
“Good morning.”
A familiar, deep voice came from behind her, and her stomach did that swirly-catchy thing that was part excitement and part nerves. She turned around and saw Ethan standing there in cargo shorts and a golf shirt, his hair still wet from his shower. She hadn’t seen him for nearly two weeks, not since the kiss in his parents’ backyard, and she was pretty sure he’d been avoiding her.
She was sure because she’d been avoiding him.
“Hi,” she answered, then realized she was pouring water from the can onto her toes.
His grin widened. “Hoping to grow a few inches?”
She righted the can and looked up. She wasn’t exactly short, but Ethan had several inches on her, particularly when she was wearing little flat sandals. Ethan’s eyebrow lifted as he stared at her feet. “Turquoise nail polish. And nice toe rings.”
Heat rushed into her cheeks. “What can I say? I like pretty toes.”
His brows came together now. She wondered if he realized how expressive they were.
“But not your hands. No nail polish, no rings.”
She shook her head, wondering why on earth he was noticing such little things. “It’s a food-service thing.”
“Right.”
“Something I can do for you, Ethan? Did you want a coffee or something, or did you just come by to pester me while I water my flowers?”
A sneaky grin slid up his cheek. “Do I pester you?”
“Yes. Especially when you tease me. I’m not used to it.”
“Should I growl instead?”
Oh my word. He was flirting. Her stomach took another little lift as she realized it. Bad enough she couldn’t get him out of her thoughts; now he was right in front of her and it was like she couldn’t see anything else. She took a deep breath, but it felt as if her chest wasn’t big enough to hold all the oxygen. “It’s more what I’m used to.”
“I’m trying to do less of that. I discovered I like smiling more. I’m just rusty at it.”
“How’s the arm?” She tried to change the subject. They were outside the café, the sidewalk traffic was brisk, and the last thing she needed was to be openly flirting. Neighborly conversation would be much better. And then perhaps she could calm down. He shouldn’t be able to fluster her so.
“It’s getting there. Only another week and I might be able to get the cast off. Then it’ll just be a matter of getting my strength and range of motion back.”
“Another week?” She gripped the watering can with both hands. “But that’s only … well, four weeks.”
“They’ll do an X-ray first. I’ll be glad if I don’t have to do the full six weeks in this thing.” He held up his arm. “The sooner I’m back in shape, the sooner I can go back to work.”
“Oh.”
An awkward pause sat between them for a few moments, and Willow’s stomach did that crawly thing again. Hell, she was going to need to do a meditation to calm down after he left. If he ever left …
“What are you doing after you water the flowers?” he asked, putting his left hand into his pocket.
She swallowed tightly. His khaki cargo shorts emphasized his long legs, and the golf shirt was the same blue color as his cast and stretched across his broad chest. He had on some sort of sporty flip-flops, and she noticed a sprinkling of dark hair on the knuckles of his big toes. Did he have to be so very … masculine?
“Meditating,” she replied quickly, hoping she wasn’t still blushing.
“Of course you are.”
Right. He didn’t go in for all that “mindfulness” stuff. Though perhaps he should. There was a restless energy about him that put her on edge.
“Seriously, is there something I can do for you, Ethan? I have things to do.”
“Go to a movie with me.”
She stared. “What?”
“Go to a movie. You know, you walk in, buy your ticket, get some popcorn…” He shrugged his shoulders, but his gaze was fixed on hers.
“You’re asking me out on a date?”
“Is that so hard to believe?”
“Yes.” Once more, she answered without really thinking, and his lips thinned a bit at her sharp response.
“I see. Well, never mind, then.” The humor in his eyes cooled into something distant and closed off, and she immediately felt badly for refusing so bluntly.
“Ethan…” She looked around, wondering if anyone was eavesdropping on their exchange. A couple of joggers went by, their puffs of breath punctuating the rhythm of their steps. “It’s just … even though we kissed the other night, and we’ve been friendlier … I just…” Wow. She couldn’t even put a sentence together. “I’ve had the impression that we don’t have a lot in common. We’re very different, you know.”
“Because you’re…”
“A nature freak. And you’re…”
“A grumpy ass.”
She laughed. Dammit, how did he manage to do that?
She didn’t really like movies, if she were being honest. At least not in a theater. Everything was overpriced, and people talked or played on their phones or kicked the back of the seat in front of them. Still, she got the impression that it had taken a lot for him to even ask. If she put two and two together, she’d bet that he hadn’t been on a date since his wife had died.
And he’d asked her.
She was flattered and terrified.
“What movie?” Was she actually considering going? She hadn’t been to a theater in years. This would be a “pick you up and bring you home” kind of thing, wouldn’t it? And there was no theater in Darling, so they’d probably go into Burlington.
“You pick,” he said. “I haven’t been to a movie in ages. Anything works for me.”
“Are you okay with the later showing? I probably can’t get away from here until eight or eight-thirty.”
“Let me ask my babysitter. What night’s good for you?”
She bit down on her lip. “I don’t know. A week night? Weekends are really busy for me.”
“How about Thursday?”
She swallowed again, so bungled up in nerves she was relatively sure she was vibrating. “Um, okay.”
“I’ll pick you up here.”
“Okay.”
“Eight fifteen?”
“Okay.”
Wow. She was now down to one word in her vocabulary.
“See you Thursday, then,” he said, and backed away toward the sidewalk.
“Yah,” she answered, and smiled. The least she could do was smile. Pretend she wasn’t just freaking out on the inside. Considering her last four sentences had been monosyllables, she wasn’t sure she was doing so well on the pretending.
CHAPTER 11
After Ethan was gone, she took the watering can back inside and headed straight for the kitchen. She washed her hands and then went to work slicing breads for the noon sandwiches and made sure the sandwich station was stocked. She refilled the muffin and cookie display, put new coffee to brew, stocked the fridge, and still felt as if her chest were too small for her lungs. Keeping busy tricked her mind into not thinking about Ethan, but her body’s response didn’t lie. Up until now they had had chance encounters, or they’d met at family or community events.
But a date … there was a level of intent with a date. There was a statement that said I’m interested. And for all her self-confidence and cool advice for her friends, when it came to dealing with a relationship herself, she was an utter mess.
A few months ago Laurel had turned to her when she’d been so confused about Aiden. Now Willow wondered if her best friend could return the favor. Perhaps
Laurel would be her voice of reason right now, since her own powers of serenity had deserted her.
When the lunch rush was over, she announced she was taking an hour’s break and hotfooted it to the Ladybug Garden Center. Laurel was in the greenhouse area, helping a customer pick out flats of colorful annuals. When she was done, and the purchase had been rung through, she approached Willow with a furrowed brow and concern darkening her eyes.
“What is it? You look discombobulated.”
“That’s it! I am. I’m just … oh Laurel. I think I’m in trouble.”
Laurel reached out for her hand. “Is it the café? You got cash flow issues?” They were both small business owners. Cash flow was always a concern.
“Café’s fine. It’s me.”
“What happened?”
“Ethan Gallagher asked me out on a date.”
Laurel let out a whoop, but then schooled her face when Willow didn’t return her enthusiasm. “You don’t look happy. Did you turn him down?”
“No, we’re going to a movie on Thursday.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
Willow sighed, met her best friend’s gaze, and admitted something she hadn’t admitted to a single soul.
“I haven’t been on a date in three years, and it’s been four since I had sex.”
“You’re thinking about having sex with him?”
“No!” Willow blurted out her response, but now that it was in her head, she couldn’t get the image out. Oh God, she was in more trouble than she’d thought.
Laurel was grinning from ear to ear as she tugged Willow over to the bench by the wildflower garden. “Sit down here and tell Auntie Laurel everything,” she instructed. Then she leaned in closer. “Every. Little. Detail.”
“You’re enjoying this way too much,” Willow grumbled.
“Are you kidding? You always have your shit together. It’s kind of fun seeing you all freaked out about something.”
“Glad you’re enjoying yourself.”
Laurel smiled. “I’m sorry. I know I’m having fun at your expense. It’s just a date, Wil. It’ll be fine. You don’t have to have sex on the first date.”
“Oh shit. You did not just say that.” She rolled her eyes.
Laurel laughed. “Okay, so seriously. Why does this have you so upset? Is it because you guys don’t get along? Because I thought you were doing better with that. At John and Moira’s the other night—”
“I kissed him.”
Laurel’s mouth hung open, then she shut it with a clack of her teeth.
Willow dropped her forehead onto her hand. “He offered you the baby stuff and then he disappeared and I just knew he was upset. So I followed him around the side of the house and we talked. Offering you the boys’ things … it was a reminder, you know? That he and Lisa won’t have more kids, because she’s not here.”
“We hoped the announcement wouldn’t upset him.” Laurel pursed her lips. “Both of us are aware that he’s still grieving, you know?”
“He’s happy for you, really. He just needed a few minutes.”
“And then?”
“And then I kissed him.”
“How was it?”
Willow made a strangled sound in her throat, and Laurel laughed. “Oooh. That good, huh? Did it make your toes curl? Give you goose bumps?” She nudged Willow with her elbow. “Or something else?”
“Don’t make fun of me.”
“I can’t help it.”
Willow smiled, feeling a little less panicky thanks to Laurel’s teasing. “He is a grumpy shit, you know,” she admitted. “But he has such a good reason. And he’s got a good heart underneath. We stopped being at each other’s throats a while ago.”
“So you like him, and he likes you. What’s the big deal?”
Willow hesitated. This was what she’d avoided since coming back to Darling. She prided herself on being “together.” It was the life she built for herself and she clung to it fiercely. She never wanted anyone to see the scared, uncertain woman she’d once been.
And yet the thought of dating, of putting herself out there, told her that she was still that woman, deep down. It was a complicated mess of feelings. She was thrilled on one hand with the excitement of attraction and possibility, and scared on the other hand, wondering if allowing herself to be vulnerable would mean falling back into old thought patterns and habits. She never, ever, wanted to be that fragile and fractured again.
“Honey?” Laurel’s voice was quieter now, and concerned.
“Sorry,” Willow said softly. “I guess it comes down to me being scared.”
“Scared of what?”
She looked up at Laurel. This was her best friend. Laurel had been through her own share of troubles, but coming back to Darling had been absolutely the right move. Willow was glad. She’d been a bit lonely until Laurel had shown up.
“There’s a lot you don’t know about what I went through. Everything I do is a conscious decision. So if I decide to go on this date, if I decide to just ‘see what happens,’ that’s a conscious decision, too.”
“But you always go with the flow and say that what’s meant to be will be.”
Willow laughed, but it was a short, harsh sound. “I thought so, you know? That I was like a river, just burbling over any rocks in my way. But the last relationship I had didn’t go well. We were both fixer-uppers and found ourselves reverting to old and bad habits. I don’t want to go back there again, Laurel. I can’t.” Her chest cramped at the mere idea of it.
“What happened that was so bad?” Laurel put her fingers on Willow’s hand. “You’ve never said, but I know it was something big. And that it’s taken you a long time to love yourself again.”
Laurel’s face blurred as tears filled Willow’s eyes. She was so torn. Laurel was her best friend, but she still couldn’t find the words to tell her the truth. That in their junior year she’d gotten pregnant, and that her mother had made her have an abortion. There’d been no counseling, no help. No choice. Her mom took one day off work to go with her for the procedure, and then she was right back to work again. She was rarely home. Willow had already felt like an inconvenience, even before the baby. Then she’d felt like a screwup. Everything had been out of control and she’d turned to bingeing and purging. She’d felt she could control at least that one part of her life.
The father of the baby had only been interested in one night. Her mother wasn’t interested in her at all. Willow had tried everything to get their attention. She’d nearly destroyed herself, and it had taken years and all her strength to overcome those challenges.
She liked her life, but it was lonely. And caring about Ethan Gallagher made her weak. The last thing she ever wanted was to go back to that needy, scared little girl who desperately just wanted someone to love her.
She’d been quiet a long time, but Laurel waited. Even though her business was booming and there was clearly lots to do, her best friend sat by her side. That meant more to Willow than any words.
“I don’t know where to start.”
Laurel smiled. “When you do, you know where I am. Day or night, okay? All on your own time.” She touched Willow’s wrist. “You know, maybe you could begin with this. What’s troubling you has something to do with your tattoo, doesn’t it?”
Her tattoo.
She’d already shared it with Ethan; at least the main points. She figured it said something important when she could share something so personal with him.
“When, Wil? And how?” Laurel’s voice was soft with compassion.
Willow swallowed. “My first year of college. I took pills. And then I puked them up. I was very good at vomiting. My eating disorder came in handy.”
Laurel said nothing. She simply put her arms around Willow and hugged—a firm “I got you” hug that absorbed some of the tension and strain from Willow’s body.
She reached over, put her hand on Laurel’s arm and squeezed. “Thank you.”
“You are the stronge
st woman I know.” Laurel sat back a bit. “You are so grounded and smart and intuitive. I know you’re scared, but you won’t go back there again.”
“How can you be so sure?”
Laurel smiled. “Because you learned. You learned why you felt the way you felt and you learned ways of dealing with it. Life isn’t always going to be smooth, you know. You were bound to be tested—challenged—at some point. And honey, if Ethan Gallagher is your test, you’re a lucky girl.”
“You have to say that. You’re married to his brother.”
“I still have eyes in my head.” Laurel chuckled. “It’s one date. If he doesn’t ring your bell, you move on.”
“And if he does?”
“You’re always telling me to live in the moment. Why don’t you try that? Just take it one day at a time. No reward comes without a little risk. You know this.”
“I didn’t want to have to face my demons again.”
Laurel grinned, but there was a softness of understanding around the edges. “Demons are funny that way. They never really seem to be banished. But know what? I had real trust issues when I came back to Darling, and Aiden helped me move past them. So did you. Don’t you deserve a little romance, Wil? A little excitement?” She looked over at the ceramic bird bath, where a robin was making a huge splash and commotion. “All this inner peace and harmony stuff is great, but where’s the joy? You should spread your wings, not have them clipped.”
Willow watched the robin roll and flutter in the water. Joy, yes. And flying free … what good was serenity if it came camouflaged as a prison? Maybe all she’d managed was to cage herself away. Damn.
Didn’t take away the fear, though.
“I’m so stupid. All this fuss over a single date.”
“Exactly.” Laurel tapped her knee. “Listen, Ethan’s still raw from losing Lisa. He’s not going to be a fast mover. He’s probably just as scared about this as you are, so give yourself a break, go to a movie, and just have fun.” She met Willow’s gaze. “If you feel as if you’re getting in over your head, you hit the stop button.”
It sounded so logical that Willow immediately let out her breath and dropped her shoulders. “You’re a good friend, Laurel.”