by Tina Martin
“Why’s that?”
“Who cares?” he shrugged. “It’s my choice. Just because I chose opposite of you doesn’t make my decision wrong, or are you trying to tell me otherwise?”
“I’m simply stating to you that you can’t possibly know what I’m going through because you’ve never been in love. Don’t take offense.”
Carter glared at her. “You say that like I’m odd or strange. Love ain’t for everybody.” He said those words, but did he actually mean them?
“Yeah, just like sleeping around ain’t for everybody.”
Carter shot her an evil look. “When there are no strings attached, no one gets hurt. Look how hurt you are…over a man that’s been dead for how long?”
Carter didn’t realize how offensive his comment was until the words left his mouth. And for a split second, he seemed to have forgotten the man he was speaking of was his own flesh and blood, and he wasn’t even completely over his death, and they weren’t close. So, of course, Shayla would still feel hurt by Jacob’s death and rightly so. He was her man, her fiancé, the love of her life and now he was dead.
Once Carter was cognizant of what he’d said and the damage it could cause, he tried to recant. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
Shayla, furious at this point, got up from the table, leaving the rest of her pizza in the plate.
“Wait. Where you going?” Carter said. “Shay, wait.”
His calls for her went unanswered. Shayla ran upstairs, grabbed a T-shirt and sweat pants from a dresser drawer. Then she walked a few steps to the bathroom, shut and locked the door, her mind racing, thinking about Carter’s insensitivity. How could he say something like that?
She took a deep breath, placed her clothes on the countertop next to the sink. Then she turned the hot and cold water knob on in the tub, picked up a round white bottle of bubble bath and squeezed some underneath the downward stream of running water. It smelled of coconut – very sweet and creamy. Once the tub was about half full, bubbles covering the water like a thick blanket, she took off her clothes, undid the rubber bands holding her ponytail together and immersed herself in the hot bath.
Carter, still sitting at the table was no longer interested in eating. He’d lost his appetite as well, thinking about what he said to her and how demeaning it was of him to say something like that about his own brother. He recalled one of his last conversations with Jacob, two years before his death:
“So how’ve you been?” Carter asked as they stood outside the entrance of Las Margaritas. Jacob was coming out. He was going in.
“I’m cool,” Jacob said, and kept on walking, heading for his car.
“Ay, hold on a minute, bruh,” Carter said jogging to catch him.
Jacob sighed. After a relaxing dinner of a juicy steak burrito, he didn’t have time for family drama.
“Look man, I know things haven’t been right in a long time—”
“That’s no fault of mine,” Jacob said cutting him off.
“We’re brothers…there’s no need for this hostility between us.”
“Oh…guess you can say that now since your life is all perfect and planned out. I seen your crib, the cars…meanwhile, I’m swimming in thousands of dollars of debt—”
“How’s that my fault?”
“How’s it your fault?” Jacob repeated. “Mom always favored you over me. She had enough money to pay for my schooling, but guess I wasn’t up to her standards like you.”
“If you have beef with Mom, then—”
“Good ol’ Carter could never do no wrong. She put you on a pedestal and from the looks of it, you never came off.”
“Jacob, if you have a problem with Mom, then you need to handle that with her.”
“Why? She’s never been a Mother to me. That’s your Mother. I would’ve been better off growing up in a foster home than with that woman.”
“How can you say something like that?”
“Easy. I didn’t have a mother…she never did anything for me. I had to struggle for everything I have while you had everything handed to you on a silver platter. And don’t think I don’t know about the will because I do…”
Chapter 12
Carter got up from the table, closed the remaining slices in the box – setting it in the refrigerator.
“I can’t believe I said that,” he said out loud, sighing heavily again and wishing he could retract his statement to Shayla. He ascended the stairs, bypassing his room and going straight to her bedroom at the end of the hallway.
“Shay,” he said peeping in, but she wasn’t there.
He took a few steps to the bathroom door, hitting it with a few knuckle taps. “Shay, you in there?”
“I’m taking a bath,” Shayla said, shampooing her hair as she laid back in the tub of water and frothy bubbles.
“When you come out, I need to talk to you.”
Shayla rolled her eyes and resumed massaging her scalp.
“You hear me?”
She stirred the water enough to drown him out. She let the shampoo cleanse her hair, the warm water soothe her body and after she scrubbed to her satisfaction, she submerged herself under the water, then came back up and repeated the wash, making sure her strands came back to life in their naturally curly state.
Carter walked away from the door, went to his room and sat on the bed, rubbing his hands together. What to do to make this situation right? Much more needed to be made right than a little spat over a pizza dinner.
An hour later, he walked down the hall again, tapped on the bathroom door. Again. “Shayla.”
“Yeah.” Shayla pulled up her pajamas and tossed a shirt over her head. Then she began detangling her hair.
“When are you coming outta there?”
“When I’m done,” she snapped. Taking a comb from the vanity, she took a section of hair and began the detangling process, starting from the end and working her way to the root.
Carter glanced at his watch. “You’ve been in there for over an hour…”
“I’ll be out in a few minutes, Carter.”
After detangling her hair, Shayla searched the vanity drawers for toothpaste. She found a tube of Crest and squeezed some on her toothbrush.
“What are you doing?” Carter probed, his ear pressed against the door.
Shayla ignored him and kept brushing to her satisfaction. After rinsing her toothbrush, she swished cold water around in her mouth.
“Shay,” Carter said again. “What are you—” he began and before he could finish the question, Shayla snatched the door open.
“I was brushing my teeth,” she said with attitude, her damp curly strands swinging. “What do you want?”
Carter stood there, as if he was in awe of her, having seeing features that made her so brilliant – features that no doubt Jacob had fallen in love with – her long, curly black hair falling down to her chest, beautiful caramel skin, brown almond-shaped eyes, pouty lips and petite body. Her beauty was effortless, no makeup or nothing, and something about that captured his attention.
“Um, I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier. I was out of line. Sometimes I can come across as an insensitive jerk and I’m sorry.”
“Okay,” Shayla said flippantly.
“That’s it? You have nothing else to say?”
“What else is there to say?” She’d never been this argumentative with Jacob. The most they fought about was what to have for dinner, or watch on TV. Then there was the time when she knew he’d changed…when she suspected that something was wrong with him after he lost his job. He’d been insistent that he was fine, but she knew otherwise. Now she wished she would’ve intervened sooner. It could’ve saved his life. She took her dirty clothes from the floor and walked around Carter and on to her room.
“Nothing I guess,” Carter said under his breath, following her to the room, thoughts about Jacob on his mind again as he stood in the doorway, watching her sit on the bed and rub lotion on her feet. His thoughts took
him back to the parking lot in front of Las Margaritas:
“I have no control over the will, Jacob. That’s her will. If she leaves me money, then she leaves me money. I didn’t force her to.”
“Yeah, just like you didn’t force her to pay for college, right? How do you do it, Carter? How is it that you get everything you want? She’s always favored you over me like I was a disgrace to her…to the family and you were her shining star. I never understood why…don’t know what it was that I did so wrong to make her despise me…”
“Jacob, talk to her. I’m not getting in the middle of this.”
“Yeah, of course you’re not. Go on and live your perfect life.”
“You know what…this has to stop!” Carter said whipping out his checkbook. “How much do you owe in loans, rent…whatever. How much? I will write you a check right now if it’ll put an end to all of this!”
Jacob smirked. “I don’t need your money, man.”
“Then what do you want, Jacob? You want to continue like this?”
Jacob smirked again and shook his head. “You don’t get it do you?” Then he opened the driver door of a navy blue Jeep Cherokee and drove off.
* * *
“Carter,” Shayla said, watching him stand at her bedroom door, staring down at the floor in deep thought.
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been calling your name for the last three minutes.” Shayla laid back on her bed, feeling good and clean.
“Um…you know what…” he said walking over to the bed, sitting next to her. “There’s something about me you should know.”
“Wait. I gotta say something to you first,” Shayla imposed. “How can you say that my life wasn’t dependent on Jacob? He was my happiness. He was everything to me.”
“I know—”
“Then why’d you say that?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. I—”
“And I know it’s not healthy for me to hold on to him but I don’t know what else to do. I’m so tired of crying, Carter,” she said, tears resting in the corner of her eyelids. “I’ve never been in so much pain in all my life.”
Carter held her hand and before she knew it, he was lying next to her.
Shayla rested her head on his bare chest, her tears dampening his warm skin. “I’ve never missed someone so much. It’s hard…I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know where to begin.”
“You move on by talking about it. You can’t keep everything bottled up inside, Shayla,” Carter said, finger combing her damp hair, consoling her. But he wasn’t taking his own advice. He too was keeping Jacob’s death buried in his memory, only resurrecting them now that he found Shayla. He was a hypocrite – telling her not to keep things inside when he was, in fact, doing the same thing.
“Tell me how your life was with Jacob,” he said staring up at the ceiling, while she lay against him.
Shayla hesitated at first, but said in a sad monotone voice, “We had a normal life.”
“Normal how?”
“You know, you meet somebody, fall in love and when you realize you’ve found your soul mate, life makes sense. You feel comfortable. Everything’s normal.” Shayla had since stopped crying and as she spoke, her head resting against his chest. “Jacob was the perfect gentleman. And he was smart…very good at his job.”
“What kind of work did he do?” he asked curiously.
Shayla found the question a little odd but answered anyway saying, “He was a banker.”
Carter swallowed hard. He and Jacob were both in the banking industry. Granted, his job was more lucrative and definitely higher paying than his brother’s but still, they were in the same industry.
“Sounds like he was a good man.”
“He was. I wish I knew why he was so troubled.”
“Troubled? About what?” His heart raced, anxious to hear her answer.
“I’m not quite sure,” Shayla said readjusting her body to a comfortable position and laying her hand flat against his chest again. Out of nowhere, she said, “I can feel your heartbeat. I always loved lying on Jacob’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. I know it sounds weird, but it really helped me sleep.”
“Well, you can lie on my chest whenever you have trouble sleeping. I don’t mind.” Carter smiled, closed his eyes, secretly loving how good it felt to hold a woman and have a genuine concern for her feelings, her life, her struggles.
“Seriously?” she asked.
“Yeah. I don’t mind at all. Anytime you need me, I’m here.”
“Thanks, Carter.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” Carter said, but he didn’t want to end the discussion. “So what made you think he was troubled?”
Shayla inhaled deeply. “I used to see him, on several occasions, looking at this wallet-sized picture of a woman and two boys. I guessed one of the boys in the photo was him and the woman his Mother, but the other boy I assumed was his brother, cousin, best friend…something. I really don’t know. He wouldn’t talk about it. He would get upset with me every time I brought it up so I left it alone.”
“So you’ve never met any of Jacob’s family?”
“Not really. I briefly spoke to some people at the funeral, but didn’t know who they were. Plus I was so out of it, if someone did try to introduce themselves to me, I wouldn’t have remembered. Plus, Jacob never talked about his family…didn’t even mention his Mother, Father, no one. I’m not sure if his parents are still alive. And I always found it peculiar how he emphasized the importance of family to me but he never introduced me to any of his folks. He said he wanted a big family. Said we were going to start on our family right after we married.”
Carter remained quiet, gliding his fingers up and down her back.
“Sometimes I wish Jacob and I had a child together, so that way, at least I’d have a part of him. I have nothing now. Nothing to connect me to him. No friends. No family. No pictures. Nothing.” Shayla sighed. “And I wish I knew what happened to him. He was so full of life…then weeks before it happened, he changed. He wasn’t the same man I fell in love with. He was cold and distant, and when I asked him what was wrong, he’d say everything was fine when I could clearly see they were not.” Shayla sighed and listened to Carter’s heart beat a little while longer. “I’m sorry. I know I’m talking you to death.”
“That’s okay, baby. This is good…good for you to get all of this out.”
And good for me so that I can get to know my own brother, Carter thought, feeling guilty but justifying his actions by reminding himself that he was helping her.
Shayla closed her eyes and inhaled his scent, the smell of a man who comforted her, especially since she missed Jacob so much.
“You going to sleep on me now?” Carter asked, raking her hair aside so he could see her face.
“No…just thinking.”
“About?”
“It’s just that…um…I found a business card in Jacob’s pocket for Charlotte Psychotherapy Associates. He was actually seeing a therapist.”
“Are you sure? I mean, just because you found a card in his pocket doesn’t necessarily mean he was seeing a therapist. Maybe he was considering it, but never followed through.”
“No, he was seeing one. He even scribbled his next appointment on the back.”
“Wow,” Carter said frowning.
“He could talk to a complete stranger about his problems, but he couldn’t talk to me.” Shayla sighed. “What could’ve been so bad that he’d take his own life? I don’t get it.”
“Me either.”
Shayla closed her eyes, drained more tears onto Carter’s chest. “I’m sorry,” she cried. “I’m crying all over your chest, making a mess. Let me get some tissue.”
She sat up, wiped her eyes with her hand but Carter pulled her back down close to him. “It’s okay.” He rubbed his hands across her hair again. It was important for him to feel her tears, her pain, the way she felt for his brother. This was his way of connecting with h
er. He needed this if he would grow to care for her, to take care of her like Jacob wanted.
“I’ve never been so confused in all my life. It’s like, on one hand I love Jacob. He’s my heart. But then I hate him for abandoning me. And we were so happy,” she said, crying harder. “He said I was the love of his life…that he couldn’t live without me and if that was true, what would make him think I could live without him?”
Carter continued stroking her back. “I don’t know, sweetheart, but I do know I don’t want you going to sleep with a heavy heart.”
“I’m used to it,” Shayla said sadly. Still, she calmed down a bit and squeezed him tighter, gripping him close as if she was afraid he’d somehow try to leave without her knowledge.
Ten minutes later, after giving her time to relax, Carter whispered, “Shay, you sleep?”
“No,” she said softly. Dryly.
“Can I ask you something?” he said, his fingers threading her hair.
“Yeah.”
“What do you want to do with your life?”
“Um, I don’t know,” Shayla said smiling.
“Come on. Tell me.”
“No. You might think it’s stupid.”
“Tell me.”
“Well,” Shayla sniffled a bit. “I always wanted to own a flower shop. That’s probably comical to you.”
“No, sweetie. I think that’s beautiful.”
“Whatever,” she replied. She knew that flower shop ownership was probably a minor job compared to what he did for a living.
“No, really. I do. That’s a nice way to earn a living and see beautiful creation firsthand.”
Shayla closed her eyes, thinking back to the one time she mentioned the very same thing to Jacob. He told her that it was a good idea and how proud he was to have an ambitious woman.
Carter yawned and stretched his body. “So if that’s your dream, what are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know…it’s just a thought.”
“Sounds like something you’ve given a lot of thought to.”
“Yeah, but—”
“But what?”
“Well the problem is, I’m not good at arranging flowers. I’m fascinated by the idea of doing it…not sure if it’s really my passion or not.”