by Tina Martin
“Don’t insult me, Shayla,” he said firmly.
“How’s that an insult?”
“You sit here, in my house, and tell me to my face that I’m selfish and you don’t see that as an insult?” he said in anger, his face darkening a shade.
“It’s no more of an insult than you calling me a liar.”
“I didn’t call you a liar! You said you were mentally trying to get over Jacob…I simply asked you how—”
“So you don’t believe me?”
“No, I don’t believe you. I don’t even think you believe you.”
“Now you’re talking in circles…”
“And you really think I’m selfish, Shayla? After everything I’ve done for you…” Carter said with raised eyebrows. “I’d be the first to admit I’m not perfect, but even with all my flaws, I have a heart.”
That was the truth. Carter was a good man, even if he was having an emotional connection with his brother’s fiancée. And in his defense, he didn’t know it was Shayla who was lying on the sidewalk that fateful February day. It could’ve been any woman, but it just so happened that the woman he chose to rescue once belonged his brother.
“I didn’t say you were selfish, Carter. However, since you brought it up, you do exhibit the traits of a selfish person. I mean, let’s be honest here, since you want to have open conversation…”
“I don’t think you wanna go there with me,” he said with challenging, arrogant eyes.
“Let’s see…you’re thirty-five years old with a lucrative job, own two luxury vehicles and live in this four-hundred thousand dollar home and—”
“So I’m selfish because I own nice things and have a good job?”
Ignoring him, Shayla continued, “You sleep around, play with women’s emotions…that’s selfish. Let’s see…”
“You got a whole list, huh? Why don’t you add these…I move you in my house and take care of you, open a bank account for you, pay your medical bills, buy you clothes, shoes, food, whatever you need to get back on your feet. Oh and add this…I save your life, even though I have the most important meeting of the year to attend, I stopped to help you! You wanna add that?”
Unlike before, Shayla took a much needed moment to think before she spoke this time. She thought about the nice morning she had shared with Carter, waking up together and holding each other as the sun watched on. Now the morning took a turn for the worst as they sat at the dinette at each other’s throats.
She swallowed hard and digested her pride. “Well, I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Carter, and when I get a job, I promise I’ll pay back every cent.”
“I don’t want any money from you.”
“Then I’m back to my original question. Why’d you move me here? What do you want? You wanna show everybody you helped a poe lil’ homeless gal? You getting a community service award for this or something?”
“You say all this to get under my skin, or is it to deflect from my original question that you have yet to answer?”
Shayla threw her hands in the air. “This is ridiculous. We share a beautiful morning and it ends up like this.”
“Yeah…all because you wouldn’t answer a simple question.”
Carter, though mad at the moment, could feel something churning inside his heart for Shayla…a deep yearning for the realness of the affection between a man and a woman. And even though he didn’t know all the rules when it came to love, he knew a woman couldn’t fully move on with her life and fall in love again if she was still in love with the man who once had her heart.
“So no one could be as good as Jacob, huh?” he taunted.
Shayla shrugged with no intention of speaking more about Jacob or anything else for that matter. Their peaceful morning had turned into a disaster. She wouldn’t be the one to make it worse.
“What was so good about Jacob? He knew how to please you? How to take care of you? How to love you? Promised the world to you?” Carter asked.
“That’s kinda personal, don’t you think?”
“No. I’m just trying to get a feel for the kind of man you can’t live without, so tell me.”
“I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with you anymore.”
“Oh, now you don’t feel comfortable.” Carter frowned. “When the heat is on Shayla, she backs down...and here I am thinking you wanted to have open conversation.”
Shayla watched him for a few beats and decided to concede. She took a breath and with a shaky, unstable voice she said, “Jacob was a good man and we had the same likes, dislikes, morals…he was my soul mate.”
“Soul mate?” Carter asked then burst into laughter.
“Don’t know why that’s funny, but yeah, he was my perfect compliment…the man I was meant to be with.”
“So being that he killed himself, I take it you weren’t his soul mate.”
Shayla shot a blank stare his way while trying to fight back tears. His words stabbed her in the heart. “I’m not going to let you get to me, Carter.”
“Not trying to get to you. I just want the truth finally.”
“What truth! I’ve told you everything.”
“You’ve never told me why you can’t seem to shake him. All you do is sit around here crying and wishing Jacob was still here, right? When you’re lying on my chest at night, you dream it’s his chest. His heartbeat. When we kissed this morning, were you kissing me or him?”
“I didn’t kiss you. You kissed me.”
Carter smacked the table with an open hand. “Just answer my question!” He wouldn’t tell her this, but a few times when she’d laid on his chest, he could hear her whisper Jacob’s name while she was sleeping. And he didn’t like that one bit.
“I’m done talking to you.” Shayla stood and willed herself not to cry. She walked over to the sink, dropped her plate there. “I can’t believe this!”
“Let me tell you what I can’t believe.” Carter walked up behind her. He spun her around, stared in her eyes and said, “I can’t believe you can look me dead in the eyes and tell me you don’t believe there’s a better man than Jacob for you. Seriously? After I’ve been taking care of you, making sure you have everything you need, making sure you take your medicine. But all I am to you is selfish.”
“Excuse me, please,” Shayla told him as he invaded her personal space – all of it.
Ignoring her, Carter said, “Do you not understand what I’m saying to you?”
Shayla looked away, stepping to the left and to the right to try and get away from him but each time he stepped in front of her.
“Look at me, Shayla!”
Her eyes connected with his angry ones and he continued, “Do you not understand what I’m saying to you?”
“Carter, I said I don’t want to talk about it!”
“I want to talk about it,” he yelled, his anger bellowing down on her. “You call me selfish, but the man you’re in love with killed himself. That’s selfish! That is the ultimate act of selfishness, but yet, you loved this man, you still do, and I ask you why you can’t move on and all you wanna come back at me with is that I’m selfish.”
Tears ran down Shayla’s face. Carter was right and she had no argument against anything he said. She had to stand there and take it.
“The truth of the matter is, if he loved you, or his family,” Carter said getting a little choked up while thinking about how angry he was at his brother, “He’d still be here. The fact he ain’t here speaks volumes, and you can’t, as a rational human being, think for one second that this man loved you, because he didn’t. If he did, he would be doing what I’m doing…he would be the one taking care you!”
Carter walked away from her.
Shayla remained in the kitchen, her head hanging low, tears flowing. She realized Carter was speaking hard truth, but it was still harsh to hear it put so bluntly. She got herself together enough to climb the stairs to her room. She locked the door behind her and laid on the bed, sobbing, thinking about all of
this – how Carter said that Jacob didn’t love her. Was it true? When a loved one commits such a horrible act such as suicide, did it actually mean they never really loved those they left behind?
Chapter 17
For the next few days, Shayla did everything in her power to avoid Carter after their argument. She skipped breakfast in the mornings, confined herself to her room whenever he was at home and avoided his knocks at her bedroom door. She was able to keep it up for a few days, and though she understood what he was trying to relay to her, she didn’t like the delivery of it – made her seem like she was the one who had committed the wrong when all she was trying to do was cope and deal with her circumstances the best way she knew how.
Today, three days after their argument, he came home from work, removed his necktie, loosened two buttons on his light blue shirt and ran upstairs. It was time to put an end to her silent treatment. In business, people communicated to get things done. How would they ever resolve a conflict by letting emotions fester and avoiding each other?
He tapped his knuckles against her door. “Shay…need to talk to you.”
Shayla instantly felt her stomach tighten, almost felt sick at the thought of having to actually face him after the things he’d said to her.
“Can you open the door?” he asked.
She stood up from the bed, slowly walked to the door and opened it, watching him stand there in a quandary. He took a deep breath while staring at her. She was so beautiful, so innocent and he was aware he made a mistake by yelling at her, trying to make her see things his way but had he really been considerate of her feelings?
“Listen, it’s been a few days and I wanted to apologize for the things I said to you. I had no right and—”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Shay, hear me out. Okay? I let my emotions get the best of me and that usually never happens. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
“Okay,” Shayla said without thought or consideration.
Carter could tell it wasn’t sincere, though his apology was. So to see if all was forgiven he said, “Um…you hungry? I can buy us dinner? We could go out or—”
“I’m not in the mood for dinner. I’m just gonna rest.” Shayla walked towards the bed, sat down while Carter remained standing at the door.
“Ah’ight, well, I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” He pulled her door shut and walked away.
After spending another couple of hours in solitude, Shayla emerged from her room to find a snack or something suitable to eat for dinner. Standing at the fridge, she reached for pack of honey ham and set it on the counter. Then she took a plate and a loaf of bread and set it on the counter to make a simple sandwich.
Carter, sitting in the den buried in paperwork, heard her in the kitchen and headed that way. He walked in, saw her sitting and biting into a sandwich.
“You still mad at me?” he asked.
Shayla looked at him. He’d had on his new glasses that gave him a sophisticated, business-like look. He wore a grey tank top that showcased his pecks and a pair of dark wash Seven jeans that traveled the length of his legs. Absolute perfection, she thought, but didn’t lose sight of the fact that he’d given her a tongue lashing just a few days ago. She bit into her sandwich again, leaving his question up in the air.
Nothing irritated Carter more than someone refusing to acknowledge him. That came with his profession, his level of success in society. He wanted to be respected, almost demanded it.
“Did you hear me?” he asked, taking a seat next to her, staring while she ate.
“Yeah. I was just thinking.”
“About whether or not you’re still mad at me? You have to think about it?”
“Carter, what do you want?”
“I want you to talk to me.” He removed his glasses and placed them on the table.
“I don’t know what to say to you. Seems you like taking my words and using them against me, so I don’t see the point in telling you anything else about me and my struggles because you simply don’t understand.”
“I do understand.”
“No you don’t because if you did, you wouldn’t say things to hurt me, Carter. You told me I wasn’t Jacob’s soul mate…that he didn’t love me. Do you not understand the love he had for me is all I have left to hang on to?” Shayla said, sucking in a deep breath to control her emotions. “Jacob was all I had and you make it seem like something is wrong with me because I still love him. He was all I had.” Tears sprang from her eyes.
Carter sighed heavily. “I didn’t mean it that way, Shayla.”
“Yeah you did. Even when I told you I didn’t want to talk about it, you kept pushing and pushing and pushing.”
“Because I don’t want you to feel like Jacob’s death is your fault…like you can’t move on with your life because you lost him. I was only trying to help and I’m sorry it came out wrong, but my intentions were pure.”
Shayla dabbed her nose with a paper towel. “I couldn’t tell.”
“Well, they were, okay, and I hope you really think about what I said, because even though I may not have sugar-coated it the way you might have wanted it, you know exactly what I meant.” Carter walked away from her, back into the den and placed the laptop in his lap again, working.
Shayla sat alone at the table, still crying and unable to finish the other half of her sandwich. Carter was right. She could admit that, but what now? How would she be able to heal and move forward with life just because he told her to do so?
Carter sighed, unable to concentrate on work, realizing that it was insensitive of him to leave crying. Instead of trying to do more work, he placed the laptop on the table and walked back towards the kitchen, noticing Shayla sitting there, still in tears. He walked over to her, touched her arm and before he could say a word, she looked at him, sobbing and said, “I think I need help, Carter.”
“I think you do too, sweetie.” Carter pulled her close to his chest, consoling her, stroking her hair. “I’m gonna make some calls tomorrow to see how soon I can find a therapist. It’s not good for you to hold on to all this negativity. That’s what I was trying to say earlier, but it came out all wrong. I’m sorry I hurt you…wasn’t my intention.”
Shayla said nothing more. She melted in his arms until her mind rested. She’d been crying all day and the stress was too much now.
Carter walked her up to her bedroom a while later and after tucking her in, making her as comfortable as possible, he watched her sleep peacefully, wishing he hadn’t come down so hard on her. She wasn’t ready for an interrogation, especially by him. His direct reports at the gig often described his personality as despotic, domineering and downright tyrannical but that’s what made him respectable and successful at this role in the company and in life. However, he found out the hard way that the tactic doesn’t bode well for a lady, especially one of whom he cared about.
Chapter 18
Carter eased up from the bed and headed downstairs. First thing on the agenda today – find a therapist for Shayla. He took his laptop in the kitchen and searched for local therapists, then remembered the name of the practice his brother was going to – Charlotte Psychotherapy Associates. If he could get her an appointment there, maybe he could find out some information on Jacob. He took his cell from the table, dialed the number and waited for someone to pick up.
“Charlotte Psychotherapy Associates…how may I help you?”
“I need to make an appointment.”
“Have you seen any of the doctors here before?”
“Oh, no, it’s not for me. It’s for a friend of mine.”
“Any reason why your friend can’t call?”
“Well, she’s ah…she’s depressed and I’m helping her. Actually, I would like to bring her in today if at all possible.”
“Okay,” the woman said and Carter could hear her typing. “Dr. Westbrook has an opening today at eleven, but since this is a new patient, I would need you to arrive at least fifteen minutes early t
o fill out some paperwork. Will this time work for you?”
Carter glanced at his watch. It was a quarter after nine. “Yeah. We’ll be there.”
“Okay. See you at 10:45.”
“All right. Thanks.”
Carter placed the phone back on the table, took two bowls from the cupboard and filled them with Grape Nuts and milk. Upstairs in her bedroom, he set them on the night stand, then sat on the bed watching Shayla again, lightly stroking her hair.
She yawned, opened her eyes and stretched her arms above her head. “Hey.”
“Hey. I brought you some cereal.”
Shayla rubbed her eyes. “Thank you.”
“Welcome. Listen, Shay, I made an appointment for you this morning…to see a therapist. Hope that’s okay.”
“Wow. You don’t play around, huh?”
“I mean, if you want to reschedule, let me know. But I think it might be best if you go ahead with it.”
Shayla sat up in the bed and took the bowl of cereal from the night stand. “What time is the appointment?”
“It’s at eleven, but they need you there fifteen minutes early to complete some paperwork.”
Shayla glanced at the digital clock on her nightstand. “So we should have time, right?”
“Yeah. The practice is on Randolph Road,” Carter said, omitting the name of the business – that this was the same place Jacob had been visiting before he died.
Instead, they ate breakfast together, watched the news, particularly for the weather coverage, then the two parted ways soon after to get ready for the appointment.
She met Carter in the foyer about thirty minutes later.
“You ready to do this?” he asked her.
“Yeah. I need to do this, right?”
“Yes, you do.” He opened the front door for her and followed her to the car. On the drive, he said, “I told you that you need to fill out some paperwork when we get there, right?”
“Yeah.”
Carter glanced at her then back at the road. “You nervous?”
“A little.”
“Don’t be…I’m right here with you,” he said, palming her thigh.