by Lexi Blake
“No. I don’t.” He didn’t feel anything at all.
“And you never will if you don’t allow yourself to meet him. Charlie’s pregnant and she’s so excited, and all I can think of is all the things that can go wrong. I look at what happened to you and wonder what the hell kind of world I’m bringing another kid into. Do I have that right? And the minute I hold that kid in my hands none of those questions will matter because he’s going to be my son and all that matters is loving him. You need to meet your son. I know Kai wants to slowly reintegrate you, but I think you should be sleeping with your wife. You should be in the home you bought for her, sleeping beside her and letting her help you rebuild your life.”
He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”
“Not entirely, but I do know that deep down the man who loved Erin is still there. It’s the only reason I’m not kicking Nick out. He did you a favor. He showed you what’s still inside you.”
A raging beast? “I don’t know. I can’t be around her without something in me aching.”
“I’m not ready to give up on you and I don’t think Case and Erin could handle you walking away. The pain associated with Erin is all about her name, isn’t it?”
He wasn’t sure of anything. “I don’t know.”
“Robert said you watched her in the bar. He said you didn’t have any trouble at all until you found out her name.”
The entire conversation was making him anxious. “I have some trouble with her all around, okay? When I think about her, when I try to remember, I end up hurting her in my head. I have no intentions of hurting her. I’m not going to hurt anyone else.”
Ian leaned toward him. “Good, because you will not be allowed to hurt her. Not ever, brother. Know this. Understand this. You never put a ring on her finger, but she’s my sister and you’re my brother. I won’t let you hurt her because I love her first and foremost, and after that I won’t allow you to hurt her because I love you. So you are safe, Theo. Erin…she’s stronger than you think. I know you don’t remember this, but she kind of put you on your ass the first time you met. Don’t think she can’t take care of herself.”
The first time they’d met.
How had he met her? Why had she put him on his ass?
His head started aching and he groaned from the pain.
Ian sat back up. “Stop. Don’t even try. God, I’m sorry, Theo. This was exactly what I’m trying to avoid. You have to stop thinking. You have to let it all happen. Stop trying to remember her and let her be the girl in the bar. Come to the club. I’ll pair you with a nice sub and you can get back in the groove.”
“I don’t want a nice sub.” He wanted her. It welled deep inside him. He wouldn’t accept anyone but her.
And he couldn’t have her.
“Okay, I’ll pick a bitchy, bratty sub who’ll make your life hell.” Ian’s lips lifted. “You’ve tried it Kai’s way. Try it mine. You’re good with muscle memory. That means you’ll know how to work a flogger or a whip. Come to Sanctum and try it. One night. It’s all I ask. You don’t have to have sex with the sub. As a matter of fact, you likely won’t, but you can find your place again. You can find your power and help her find hers. Can you do that for me, Theo?”
The club. Sanctum. His brothers were invested in the D/s lifestyle. Dominance. Submission. He couldn’t say it didn’t call to him. Sometimes when he dreamed of her she was tied up, her face relaxed and peaceful, and he knew deep in his soul that he’d been the one to give her that peace. He’d been the one to bring her there. His Dominance fed her soul and her submission lit his world up.
Could he find some peace with another woman? One he simply dominated? One he didn’t have a deep, dark past with?
“I don’t want to hurt her.” He knew that above all other things.
“You won’t. I promise.”
“Then I’ll come.” But he had to get through a session with her today. Some days were too long to bear.
CHAPTER TWO
Erin had to fight back those stupid, useless tears that always, always seemed to be at the surface these days. Even as she cuddled her boy, she could feel them starting to well.
“Do you want some more chicken?” Avery was sitting on the same large blanket she’d set out at the beginning of this picnic she’d arranged for the boys. Her son, Aidan, was giggling madly a hundred feet away as his father pushed him on a swing.
TJ wasn’t big enough to sit in the toddler swings yet, but he loved to do that pre-crawl thing where he got to all fours and bounced around. She kissed the top of his dusty blond hair. “No, but thank you. It was delicious.”
She was sure it had been, though everything tasted like ashes in her mouth.
Theo had pulled away again today. He couldn’t stand her touch, couldn’t look at her for more than a second or two.
What was she doing? It hurt to see him every day and know he wasn’t interested in her.
It was like time had twisted and they were in the reality they always should have been in. She was too old for him, too hard and cynical. He should have been with a sweet young thing who would have looked up to him like he was the sun in the sky, who wouldn’t have wasted time fighting with him.
He could have that now. Was she selfish for keeping it from him? He’d been through so much. Didn’t he deserve the life he wanted?
“Li told me Theo nearly killed Nick today.”
She sighed. “He rages out from time to time. Something will set him off and he doesn’t even remember that he attacked someone.”
“What set him off this time?”
That was easy. “Nick’s an asshole. I don’t get what women see in him.”
“He’s ridiculously handsome,” Avery pointed out. “And he’s got the bad boy thing going on. I have to admit, I might have a thing for tall, dark, and handsome European bad boys.”
“Reformed bad boys, me darlin’, and Nick meant to fuck with Theo. He said some fairly salacious things to Erin and it brought out Theo’s inner caveman.” Liam lowered his big body to the ground, setting Aidan down next to TJ. The two boys immediately started babbling and giggling at each other.
At least her son was happy. Some days that was all she had to hold on to. “Salacious? I didn’t think anything he said was dirty. He was talking about taking out Senator McDonald. That was like the best.”
Liam frowned her way. Of all the people at McKay-Taggart, Liam O’Donnell was the only one who could make her feel like a dumbass. He was the big brother she wished she’d had, kind and protective and willing to offer advice over a beer. His wife was the single best woman Erin had ever met. They’d taken her into their family and she would be forever grateful for them.
Some women would have been angry that their husbands had taken on a female partner, but Avery simply invited her over for dinner and made her feel welcome.
The first time she’d ever felt welcome in her life.
She looked back at Liam, giving him a latitude she gave few people. “Okay, I said something dumb. What?”
“You seriously didn’t understand that man was flirting with you?” Liam asked, his Irish accent going deep. One day he would use that on a daughter and it would work.
Like it did on her. She felt herself flush under his gaze. “He was talking about killing McDonald. It was pure pleasure.”
Avery’s eyes widened. “He called it that?”
“Aye, love, and he talked about what perfect synch they’d been in at the time,” Liam replied with a grave nod.
“Jeez. No wonder Theo almost killed him.” Avery turned her way with a brilliant smile. “See. That’s a good thing.”
But it wasn’t. She couldn’t see how it was. “Like I said, he does it from time to time and Nick had already said something kind of nasty to him. I don’t think it had anything to do with me.”
“Then you didn’t see the death stare he gave me as I escorted you out.” Liam laid back, his body forming a wall his son couldn’t get through. Aidan liked
to toddle off. Since the kid had learned to walk, he would roam far and wide, never once thinking something bad could happen to him because his parents were always there to snatch him up and away from trouble.
“If he was jealous, then I don’t know why.” She was so tired. Somehow she’d thought getting Theo back would be the real struggle. Oh, she’d told Case and Ian all the right things, but deep down she’d thought the minute he saw her again he’d fall into her arms. “I’m thinking about telling Kai we should stop the sessions together. It’s not getting us anywhere.”
A single brow arched over Liam’s left eye and she realized she was in trouble again. “Oh, really now? That boy chased after you forever and you give him what? A whole six weeks? That’s all he’s worth?”
“I think what Liam’s trying to say…” Avery began.
Li put a hand out to stop her. “I’m saying exactly what I mean, love. Ain’t no pussyfooting around that one. She’s got to have it said hard and true. You’re failing him because you doubt yourself. It was easier when he wasn’t around, was it?”
She hated this. Life had been so much easier when she didn’t give a shit about the people around her. Oh, she’d cared about the guys in her unit, but not a one of them would have called her to task about her love life. She hadn’t had a fucking love life. She’d had some one-night stands when she couldn’t take it anymore. She’d had some play partners in clubs because not a one of them was looking for a relationship.
Not a one of them until Theo.
And none of her COs treated her like this. Like they cared about her happiness so much they were willing to make things uncomfortable for them all.
In the beginning she’d thought they were all unholy, nosy dicks, but slowly, so slowly, she’d figured out this was what a family was supposed to look like.
This was the time when the pre-Theo-and-TJ Erin would have walked away. Now it was the time she fought with her family, knowing they wouldn’t leave her no matter how obnoxious she got. “It wasn’t easy, Li. Losing Theo was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and that is saying something. I missed him every single day and I still do because he’s not Theo. I don’t know who he is.”
“Then walk away. I’m sure he’d prefer that at this point. It’s obvious he’s uncomfortable with you and he has no idea what to do with the fact that he’s got a kid. So let him go. Tell him it’s all right and tell Team Taggart to stop busting his balls.”
Avery leaned back against Liam as Aidan started to try to climb up his father. “I could set you up. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I actually think you and Nick could work. Why don’t you ask him out for a drink?”
Her whole body shuddered at the idea. “No. I’m not going to do that.”
“Then how about Deke?” Avery’s face lit up like that was the best idea ever. “He’s looking for a play partner and I think you would get along well. He’s a nice man.”
What the hell was this? They were trying to set her up?
“And I know Big Tag’s talking to Theo about finding a sub to play with,” Liam said as though they were talking about the weather and not ripping her fucking heart out.
“I’ll kill her.” She could see herself doing it.
“Now, there’s my partner.” Li’s hand slid over Avery’s.
“Yes, there she is.” Avery gave her husband a wink.
Damn it. She hated it when they caught her like this. She should have known something was up the second Avery wasn’t arguing for true love. “Fine. I’m a jealous hag, but seriously, I can’t handle watching him with some pretty sub. I can’t do it. If that’s Tag’s suggestion then I’ll stay away altogether.”
Or walk away. Could she stay here and watch Theo fall for some young sub who didn’t have scars or a boatload of baggage on her back? Could she watch him collar another woman?
Her gut twisted at the thought. She was stuck because this was her family and it was TJ’s, too. If Theo wanted another woman, she couldn’t simply walk away. And she couldn’t lay down and fade because her son needed her.
She had to face the fact that if Theo didn’t want her, she would have to move on.
What had Li accused her of? Giving him six weeks when he’d chased her for a year. When he’d poured his heart and soul into wooing her.
Did he deserve the same from her?
“I’m the sub.” It hit her smack in the face. Big Tag wouldn’t pair Theo with some random sub. For all his grouchiness, no one believed in love and family more than the big guy. “He’s tricking Theo and you two are setting me up. Did you plan this before or after the meeting? Wait, it had to be before.”
“I always said you were a smart one,” Li conceded. “We’ve been talking about it for a while now. Kai knows. He’s worried he’s put himself in a box. He thought keeping you separate was best in the beginning, but now he thinks Theo sees it as a crutch. But he’s also worried that if he tries to force Theo…”
“He’ll be a stubborn bastard because he’s got all those Taggart genes and no amount of freaky drugs can possibly wipe those out.” She leaned back and watched as TJ sat on his diapered bottom and gummed the hell out of his teething ring.
He deserved better than a mom who gave up because she’d never been sure she was worthy of any of this. A mom who let his father go because she was a little older than he was, not as bright and shiny.
This Theo wasn’t bright and shiny anymore. He was dark and that killed her.
Her son looked up and smiled. Tears pierced her eyes because that was Theo’s smile right there. That was his light in her child.
He’d shown her the way out of darkness once. It was time to man up and be what he needed her to be.
“I’ll do it. I suppose we’re not telling him.” She reached out and cupped her baby’s head. So soft. So sweet. He deserved everything she had and so did his father. Even if it hurt like hell.
“I think it’s best,” Li offered. “Let’s talk plan of action because I know you don’t like going into a mission without a plan.”
Making shit up as you went was for suckers who expected to fail. A good plan of attack was the only way to go. A plan A, plan B, and plan everything’s fucked up, let’s blow it all to hell. She hoped she didn’t need that last one, but she would have it in her back pocket all the same.
“I’ll have to start this afternoon. Maybe I’ve played this all wrong. For six weeks I’ve sat by and wrung my hands and hoped he’d come to his senses. I’ve tried to play the sweet, supportive wife.”
Avery’s lips curled up in a grin. “But that wasn’t what attracted Theo in the first place.”
No. No, it hadn’t been. “I think I’ll call Kai. It’s time for something different.”
She wasn’t going down without a hell of a fight and a good soldier knew a great fight sometimes involved surrounding the enemy and making sure he never got entrenched. Keep him on his feet. Never let him relax.
Yeah, she could do that.
She started to talk to Avery and Li about how to bring that man down.
And lift him back up.
CHAPTER THREE
Theo sat back and wondered where she was. He was going to think of her as “she” for a while. Even thinking her name hurt at times so it was best to refer to her as well, her.
The redhead. His wife in all but a legal sense. He wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse. If they’d actually gotten married, he would have a legal obligation to her.
Of course, they’d had a kid. Didn’t he have that obligation? His head hurt again, but not from Mother’s training. His head hurt because he couldn’t feel anything for a kid he’d helped create.
“While we’re waiting, why don’t you tell me how you’re getting along with the rest of the office.” Kai Ferguson watched him from behind his elegant desk. He was all laid back, but it didn’t fool Theo. They weren’t here to shoot the shit. They were here because Theo was a walking, talking time bomb waiting to go off and Kai was the bomb
squad.
“It’s going fine.”
Kai let that sit for a moment. It was one of those things Theo was sure he’d been taught in shrink school. Let a moment play out until it became uncomfortable for the subject and he let loose with information he would rather not actually share. These things were somewhat like interrogations. If you got the subject in a room and stared for long enough, some of them would actually start talking to fill in the awkward space. They couldn’t handle the silence. A couple of Navy SEALs staring at them, standing at attention like they were waiting there for an order, and all the Agency dude had to do was offer the unlucky guy a way out and he would scramble to take it.
Like that time in Iraq when he… It was right there, the memory of that day. He could see himself, but the vision was almost blurry. He needed to think harder. See better.
The pain flared through his head, a lighting bolt jarring his thoughts.
“Take a deep breath and let go.” Kai’s voice was almost melodic, deep, and without the sense of panic Theo felt. “One breath in and then out. Allow the memory to float away.”
He dragged a breath in and tried to shove the damn memory out.
“Stop fighting, Theo. Let your mind go blank. Concentrate on your breathing. Feel it. Take it in and consider it. Think about how it fills your lungs, about whether the air is hot or cold.”
He took a long breath and tried, really tried to consider the air, but that was so douchey and stupid, so he followed the other order and let his mind go blank. Let it drift while he breathed in and out and let the sound of Kai’s voice fade away. He was still talking but a vision took the place of memory.
A vision of her. It wasn’t memory. He knew that because it didn’t hurt and there wasn’t the deep-seated need to hold it and force it to the forefront. This was good, old-fashioned daydreaming, and that didn’t send his nerves into overdrive.
He didn’t think of her name. He let that go. He thought about her eyes turning up and her mouth curling slightly, enough to let him know she was happy to be where she was. She started out wearing a white tank top, but he let that drift off as she bit into her plump bottom lip and winked his way. Her breasts came into view. Perky and sweet, with tight nipples he could suck on. She held out her hand and there was suddenly a sunny bedroom behind them. No darkness for his girl. He would take her in the light and see all of her.