dirty coarse apron and bib, which left nothing of her visible but
her face and feet. She might as well have been dressed in a
violin-case.
'Why, who are you?' said Dick.
To which the only reply was, 'Oh, please will you come and show the
lodgings?'
There never was such an old-fashioned child in her looks and
manner. She must have been at work from her cradle. She seemed as
much afraid of Dick, as Dick was amazed at her.
'I hav'n't got anything to do with the lodgings,' said Dick. 'Tell
'em to call again.'
'Oh, but please will you come and show the lodgings,' returned the
girl; 'It's eighteen shillings a week and us finding plate and
linen. Boots and clothes is extra, and fires in winter-time is
eightpence a day.'
'Why don't you show 'em yourself? You seem to know all about 'em,'
said Dick.
'Miss Sally said I wasn't to, because people wouldn't believe the
attendance was good if they saw how small I was first.'
'Well, but they'll see how small you are afterwards, won't they?'
said Dick.
'Ah! But then they'll have taken 'em for a fortnight certain,'
replied the child with a shrewd look; 'and people don't like moving
when they're once settled.'
'This is a queer sort of thing,' muttered Dick, rising. 'What do
you mean to say you are--the cook?'
'Yes, I do plain cooking;' replied the child. 'I'm housemaid too;
I do all the work of the house.'
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'I suppose Brass and the Dragon and I do the dirtiest part of it,'
thought Dick. And he might have thought much more, being in a
doubtful and hesitating mood, but that the girl again urged her
request, and certain mysterious bumping sounds on the passage and
staircase seemed to give note of the applicant's impatience.
Richard Swiveller, therefore, sticking a pen behind each ear, and
carrying another in his mouth as a token of his great importance
and devotion to business, hurried out to meet and treat with the
single gentleman.
He was a little surprised to perceive that the bumping sounds were
occasioned by the progress up-stairs of the single gentleman's
trunk, which, being nearly twice as wide as the staircase, and
exceedingly heavy withal, it was no easy matter for the united
exertions of the single gentleman and the coachman to convey up the
steep ascent. But there they were, crushing each other, and
pushing and pulling with all their might, and getting the trunk
tight and fast in all kinds of impossible angles, and to pass them
was out of the question; for which sufficient reason, Mr Swiveller
followed slowly behind, entering a new protest on every stair
against the house of Mr Sampson Brass being thus taken by storm.
To these remonstrances, the single gentleman answered not a word,
but when the trunk was at last got into the bed-room, sat down upon
it and wiped his bald head and face with his handkerchief. He was
very warm, and well he might be; for, not to mention the exertion
of getting the trunk up stairs, he was closely muffled in winter
garments, though the thermometer had stood all day at eighty-one in
the shade.
'I believe, sir,' said Richard Swiveller, taking his pen out of his
mouth, 'that you desire to look at these apartments. They are very
charming apartments, sir. They command an uninterrupted view of--
of over the way, and they are within one minute's walk of--of the
corner of the street. There is exceedingly mild porter, sir, in
the immediate vicinity, and the contingent advantages are
extraordinary.'
'What's the rent?' said the single gentleman.
'One pound per week,' replied Dick, improving on the terms.
'I'll take 'em.'
'The boots and clothes are extras,' said Dick; 'and the fires in
winter time are--'
'Are all agreed to,' answered the single gentleman.
'Two weeks certain,' said Dick, 'are the--'
'Two weeks!' cried the single gentleman gruffly, eyeing him from
top to toe. 'Two years. I shall live here for two years. Here.
Ten pounds down. The bargain's made.'
'Why you see,' said Dick, 'my name is not Brass, and--'
'Who said it was? My name's not Brass. What then?'
'The name of the master of the house is,' said Dick.
'I'm glad of it,' returned the single gentleman; 'it's a good name
for a lawyer. Coachman, you may go. So may you, Sir.'
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Mr Swiveller was so much confounded by the single gentleman riding
roughshod over him at this rate, that he stood looking at him
almost as hard as he had looked at Miss Sally. The single
gentleman, however, was not in the slightest degree affected by
this circumstance, but proceeded with perfect composure to unwind
the shawl which was tied round his neck, and then to pull off his
boots. Freed of these encumbrances, he went on to divest himself
of his other clothing, which he folded up, piece by piece, and
ranged in order on the trunk. Then, he pulled down the
window-blinds, drew the curtains, wound up his watch, and, quite
leisurely and methodically, got into bed.
'Take down the bill,' were his parting words, as he looked out from
between the curtains; 'and let nobody call me till I ring the
bell.'
With that the curtains closed, and he seemed to snore immediately.
'This is a most remarkable and supernatural sort of house!' said Mr
Swiveller, as he walked into the office with the bill in his hand.
'She-dragons in the business, conducting themselves like
professional gentlemen; plain cooks of three feet high appearing
mysteriously from under ground; strangers walking in and going to
bed without leave or licence in the middle of the day! If he
should be one of the miraculous fellows that turn up now and then,
and has gone to sleep for two years, I shall be in a pleasant
situation. It's my destiny, however, and I hope Brass may like it.
I shall be sorry if he don't. But it's no business of mine--I
have nothing whatever to do with it!'
CHAPTER 35
Mr Brass on returning home received the report of his clerk with
much complacency and satisfaction, and was particular in inquiring
after the ten-pound note, which, proving on examination to be a
good and lawful note of the Governor and Company of the Bank of
England, increased his good-humour considerably. Indeed he so
overflowed with liberality and condescension, that, in the fulness
of his heart, he invited Mr Swiveller to partake of a bowl of punch
with him at that remote and indefinite period which is currently
denominated 'one of these days,' and paid him many handsome
compliments on the uncommon aptitude for business which his conduct
on the first day of his devotion to it had so plainly evinced.
It was a maxim with Mr Brass that the habit of paying compliments
kept a man's tongue oiled without any expense; and, as that useful
; member ought never to grow rusty or creak in turning on its hinges
in the case of a practitioner of the law, in whom it should be
always glib and easy, he lost few opportunities of improving
himself by the utterance of handsome speeches and eulogistic
expressions. And this had passed into such a habit with him, that,
if he could not be correctly said to have his tongue at his
fingers' ends, he might certainly be said to have it anywhere but
in his face: which being, as we have already seen, of a harsh and
repulsive character, was not oiled so easily, but frowned above all
the smooth speeches--one of nature's beacons, warning off those
who navigated the shoals and breakers of the World, or of that
dangerous strait the Law, and admonishing them to seek less
treacherous harbours and try their fortune elsewhere.
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While Mr Brass by turns overwhelmed his clerk with compliments and
inspected the ten-pound note, Miss Sally showed little emotion and
that of no pleasurable kind, for as the tendency of her legal
practice had been to fix her thoughts on small gains and gripings,
and to whet and sharpen her natural wisdom, she was not a little
disappointed that the single gentleman had obtained the lodgings at
such an easy rate, arguing that when he was seen to have set his
mind upon them, he should have been at the least charged double or
treble the usual terms, and that, in exact proportion as he pressed
forward, Mr Swiveller should have hung back. But neither the good
opinion of Mr Brass, nor the dissatisfaction of Miss Sally, wrought
any impression upon that young gentleman, who, throwing the
responsibility of this and all other acts and deeds thereafter to
be done by him, upon his unlucky destiny, was quite resigned and
comfortable: fully prepared for the worst, and philosophically
indifferent to the best.
'Good morning, Mr Richard,' said Brass, on the second day of Mr
Swiveller's clerkship. 'Sally found you a second-hand stool, Sir,
yesterday evening, in Whitechapel. She's a rare fellow at a
bargain, I can tell you, Mr Richard. You'll find that a first-rate
stool, Sir, take my word for it.'
'It's rather a crazy one to look at,' said Dick.
'You'll find it a most amazing stool to sit down upon, you may
depend,' returned Mr Brass. 'It was bought in the open street just
opposite the hospital, and as it has been standing there a month of
two, it has got rather dusty and a little brown from being in the
sun, that's all.'
'I hope it hasn't got any fevers or anything of that sort in it,'
said Dick, sitting himself down discontentedly, between Mr Sampson
and the chaste Sally. 'One of the legs is longer than the others.'
'Then we get a bit of timber in, Sir,' retorted Brass. 'Ha, ha,
ha! We get a bit of timber in, Sir, and that's another advantage
of my sister's going to market for us. Miss Brass, Mr Richard is
the--'
'Will you keep quiet?' interrupted the fair subject of these
remarks, looking up from her papers. 'How am I to work if you keep
on chattering?'
'What an uncertain chap you are!' returned the lawyer. 'Sometimes
you're all for a chat. At another time you're all for work. A man
never knows what humour he'll find you in.'
'I'm in a working humour now,' said Sally, 'so don't disturb me, if
you please. And don't take him,' Miss Sally pointed with the
feather of her pen to Richard, 'off his business. He won't do more
than he can help, I dare say.'
Mr Brass had evidently a strong inclination to make an angry reply,
but was deterred by prudent or timid considerations, as he only
muttered something about aggravation and a vagabond; not
associating the terms with any individual, but mentioning them as
connected with some abstract ideas which happened to occur to him.
They went on writing for a long time in silence after this--in
such a dull silence that Mr Swiveller (who required excitement) had
several times fallen asleep, and written divers strange words in an
unknown character with his eyes shut, when Miss Sally at length
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broke in upon the monotony of the office by pulling out the little
tin box, taking a noisy pinch of snuff, and then expressing her
opinion that Mr Richard Swiveller had 'done it.'
'Done what, ma'am?' said Richard.
'Do you know,' returned Miss Brass, 'that the lodger isn't up yet--
that nothing has been seen or heard of him since he went to bed
yesterday afternoon?'
'Well, ma'am,' said Dick, 'I suppose he may sleep his ten pound
out, in peace and quietness, if he likes.'
'Ah! I begin to think he'll never wake,' observed Miss Sally.
'It's a very remarkable circumstance,' said Brass, laying down his
pen; 'really, very remarkable. Mr Richard, you'll remember, if
this gentleman should be found to have hung himself to the
bed-post, or any unpleasant accident of that kind should happen--
you'll remember, Mr Richard, that this ten pound note was given to
you in part payment of two years' rent? You'll bear that in mind,
Mr Richard; you had better make a note of it, sir, in case you
should ever be called upon to give evidence.'
Mr Swiveller took a large sheet of foolscap, and with a countenance
of profound gravity, began to make a very small note in one corner.
'We can never be too cautious,' said Mr Brass. 'There is a deal of
wickedness going about the world, a deal of wickedness. Did the
gentleman happen to say, Sir--but never mind that at present, sir;
finish that little memorandum first.'
Dick did so, and handed it to Mr Brass, who had dismounted from his
stool, and was walking up and down the office.
'Oh, this is the memorandum, is it?' said Brass, running his eye
over the document. 'Very good. Now, Mr Richard, did the gentleman
say anything else?'
'No.'
'Are you sure, Mr Richard,' said Brass, solemnly, 'that the
gentleman said nothing else?'
'Devil a word, Sir,' replied Dick.
'Think again, Sir,' said Brass; 'it's my duty, Sir, in the position
in which I stand, and as an honourable member of the legal
profession--the first profession in this country, Sir, or in any
other country, or in any of the planets that shine above us at
night and are supposed to be inhabited--it's my duty, Sir, as an
honourable member of that profession, not to put to you a leading
question in a matter of this delicacy and importance. Did the
gentleman, Sir, who took the first floor of you yesterday
afternoon, and who brought with him a box of property--a box of
property--say anything more than is set down in this memorandum?'
'Come, don't be a fool,' said Miss Sally.
Dick looked at her, and then at Brass, and then at Miss Sally
again, and still said 'No.'
'Pooh, pooh! Deuce take it, Mr Richard, how dull you are!' cried
Brass, relaxing into a smile. 'Did he say anything ab
out his
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property? --there!'
'That's the way to put it,' said Miss Sally, nodding to her
brother.
'Did he say, for instance,' added Brass, in a kind of comfortable,
cozy tone--'I don't assert that he did say so, mind; I only ask
you, to refresh your memory--did he say, for instance, that he was
a stranger in London--that it was not his humour or within his
ability to give any references--that he felt we had a right to
require them--and that, in case anything should happen to him, at
any time, he particularly desired that whatever property he had
upon the premises should be considered mine, as some slight
recompense for the trouble and annoyance I should sustain--and
were you, in short,' added Brass, still more comfortably and cozily
than before, 'were you induced to accept him on my behalf, as a
tenant, upon those conditions?'
'Certainly not,' replied Dick.
'Why then, Mr Richard,' said Brass, darting at him a supercilious
and reproachful look, 'it's my opinion that you've mistaken your
calling, and will never make a lawyer.'
'Not if you live a thousand years,' added Miss Sally. Whereupon
the brother and sister took each a noisy pinch of snuff from the
little tin box, and fell into a gloomy thoughtfulness.
Nothing further passed up to Mr Swiveller's dinner-time, which was
at three o'clock, and seemed about three weeks in coming. At the
first stroke of the hour, the new clerk disappeared. At the last
stroke of five, he reappeared, and the office, as if by magic,
became fragrant with the smell of gin and water and lemon-peel.
'Mr Richard,' said Brass, 'this man's not up yet. Nothing will
wake him, sir. What's to be done?'
'I should let him have his sleep out,' returned Dick.
'Sleep out!' cried Brass; 'why he has been asleep now, sixand-
twenty hours. We have been moving chests of drawers over his
head, we have knocked double knocks at the street-door, we have
made the servant-girl fall down stairs several times (she's a light
weight, and it don't hurt her much,) but nothing wakes him.'
'Perhaps a ladder,' suggested Dick, 'and getting in at the firstfloor
window--'
'But then there's a door between; besides, the neighbours would be
up in arms,' said Brass.
'What do you say to getting on the roof of the house through the
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