by Fleur Smith
“Besides, now that we’re both on the same side again, Eth wants to spend some time with me before the baby comes. We missed quite a few years after Detroit.” His brow furrowed and his eyes darkened, no doubt as the memories of his time overseas crossed his mind.
“So did we,” I reminded him. I didn’t say the words to intentionally upset him, but I had to let him know how neglected I felt. How desperately I wanted him to stay.
“I know, Evie, and I’m sorry.”
I closed my eyes as tears threatened at what I knew was coming. “But?”
“But I already kind of promised him I’d come.”
“Then un-promise him.” I crossed my arms. I knew I was being childish—a full-blown pregnancy tantrum was definitely building within me—my anger and sorrow were justified. I deserved to know where my husband was and to have a guarantee that he would be safe. More than that, I deserved to have some certainty that he wouldn’t miss the birth of our child if she came early. I’d been promised uninterrupted time with Clay from this point in the pregnancy until a few months after our baby was born. I needed it, and I didn’t think it was too much to ask. In fact, I’d been relying on it to keep my sanity intact.
“It’s not that easy. Eth and Ben are trying to prove to the Rain all over the world that the new way can work, but that means stopping creatures as soon as they become a threat. If there are too many deaths caused by something we would have stopped under the old methods of immediate capture or kill, their tolerance will wane. We can’t have that. You know as well as I do that the support of all of the factions is the only thing that’s going to keep our little girl safe in the long run.”
Fresh tears pricked my eyes as he played the “keeping the world safe for our child” card against me. “I just don’t want you to go,” I murmured as my anger melted away and allowed steely hands to caress my heart in an icy grip.
Ever since we’d moved out of the court, a little over three months earlier, I’d barely spent more than five consecutive days with Clay and just over a month in total. Even though he’d never shirked any tasks when he was home, including setting up the nursery, in my darkest moments there were times when I wondered whether he resented our baby, or me. The idea that he was going away so often because of something I’d done or that I wasn’t doing enough ran amuck through my brain.
The thoughts were ridiculous—deep down I knew that. The beaming smile on his face whenever he arrived home was evidence of just how happy he was to see me and my growing bulge. But that didn’t mean I could stop feeling inadequate, especially in my darkest times. When those doubts struck, I couldn’t find any other justification for the fact that he kept going away. I tried to remind myself that he was only doing what he thought he needed to do to keep us all safe, and that he always made sure I was protected in his absence, but that didn’t make it suck any less. It didn’t lessen the wounds that his absence left on my heart.
Whenever he was away, either Aiden or Fiona would visit to keep me from being completely alone, but it wasn’t the same. Or I’d go to the court to visit Mackenzie, who’d developed an anxiety about leaving the court unless absolutely necessary. The times they couldn’t be there for me were the ones that hurt the most, late at night when the nightmares struck or when I was inundated with a particularly bad bout of morning sickness. Some nights, when the loneliness was particularly bad, I regretted some things. Even though I didn’t have to run for safety anymore, my life was actually worse than when we’d been forced to hide in Sweden.
Certain things were better now, especially between Clay and his family, but in my most selfish moments, I hated that they took him away from me so often. Eight months alone with him had spoiled me for our life in the real world, and it was difficult to adjust.
“I swear to you this will be the last assignment I take until after that precious bundle of ours is born.” He rubbed my belly to make his point.
“How long will you be gone this time?”
He dropped his gaze away from mine, and I knew it was bad news. I braced myself in the silence between my question and his response.
“About two weeks,” he whispered, finally meeting my gaze again. “I have to go to Alaska, to the Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes.”
“Two weeks?” I shrieked incredulously. I didn’t care where he was going, but two weeks? It meant he’d miss my next visit to his half-sister, Mackenzie.
It wasn’t like it was a run of the mill family gathering either. Once a month, I went to the court to visit her so that she could assess the progress of my pregnancy and ensure that the baby was okay. Because of the sensitive nature of fae bodies and ears, they didn’t use any ultrasound equipment or similar to get an image of the baby. Instead, they assessed the wellbeing of unborn babies through the mother’s aura. I didn’t understand it, but I didn’t question it either—after all Mackenzie had saved my life using fae magic. According to Clay’s assertions, I was beyond saving until she’d intervened. Plus, I didn’t want to risk insisting on seeing normal doctors or forcing any medical procedures that might have hurt my potentially part-fae offspring.
The only slightly worrying information I’d received from Mackenzie so far was that I was big for my dates. From a very early stage in my pregnancy, my stomach had grown at a rapid rate. It was another part of the reason I’d wanted Clay to start staying at home now that I was only a few months away from giving birth. No one knew when our daughter would make an appearance but it seemed increasingly likely that it would be before her due date.
“I’ll be into the single digit countdown then,” I said. “What if she comes early?”
“She won’t,” he assured me—even though he could offer even less of a guarantee on that than he could that he’d be home safely. He placed his hands on my stomach again and dropped his lips to hover somewhere over my belly button. “You won’t, will you? You’ll wait for your Daddy like a good girl, won’t you? You’ll stay right where you are until I say so,” he continued in a silly voice, drawing an unwilling giggle from me before I swatted his face away for making me laugh when I wanted so desperately to be mad at him.
“I promise it’ll be okay,” he said when he glanced up at me again.
“But how can you know that?”
“Have I ever let you down before?” He had a point. Despite all of our ups and downs, he never really had—certainly not since our last reunion.
“You promise you’ll be home in two weeks?” I started to cave, even though I really didn’t want to.
“Maybe less, if Eth’s right about my abilities coming in handy.”
“Damn your stupid abilities,” I grumbled.
He chuckled. “Damn them straight to Hades.”
“What do I get if I say yes?” I asked.
A salacious grin crossed his features. “Oh, I can give you plenty for agreeing.” He climbed over me on the sofa to kiss and nuzzle my neck.
“No,” I said, pushing him away gently. “No nookie for you now, not after you drop this news on me like this.”
“How about an extra two weeks at home after the baby is born?”
I raised my eyebrow at him. “Two weeks extra?” I’d managed to get a guarantee out of both Ethan and Clay that I would have Clay home for a solid four months after the birth. “Two more months might cut it, but not two weeks.”
“How about a guaranteed two weeks and we can discuss two months?” he asked as he turned around and reached for his travel bag.
“I don’t know—”
Any further arguments from me were cut off as he produced a bag of high-end chocolates truffles. My pregnancy hormones overtook my body, and I instantly craved the sweetness he was offering. When I made a move to grab the bag, he pulled it away from me until it was just out of my reach.
“I’ll share if you say yes.”
“Bribing me with chocolate?” I gave a low whistle. “Talk about your low blows, buddy.”
“Not a bribe,” he said as he tore open the packet a
nd unwrapped one of the treats. He held it between his fingers and dragged it teasingly over my lips. “Think of it as sweetening the deal.”
I closed my eyes at the feeling of his fingertips brushing across my lips as the sweet smell of chocolate wafted into my nose. Just as I parted my lips to accommodate the delicious taste, he pulled it away.
“Withholding chocolate from a pregnant lady will never end well,” I warned.
“I’m not withholding, just waiting for an answer.”
“Fine! Go if you have to, but promise you’ll hurry back.”
As soon as I said the words, he pushed the chocolate into my mouth before quickly covering my lips with his own. The feeling of his tongue trailing across my lower lips as my mouth was filled with the taste of the chocolate made me shift uncomfortably in my seat.
Who was I kidding when I said no nookie? I thought. I’ve missed him far too much.
Despite my complaints, which were largely due to the surplus hormones surging around my body, I knew I had the perfect husband. Since our last reunion, I’d never had any cause to doubt that we were meant to be or how deep his love for me ran. My certainty in us had nothing to do with what Clay’s research or Aiden’s story about entwined auras had to say though. Instead, it had everything to do with the faith I had in both Clay and myself. Even in my darkest moments, I had to admit that almost everything about our life was perfect, even if we were still on a bit of a learning curve about one another.
WHEN I woke the following morning to find Clay repacking his travel bag with clean clothes, I realized that his distraction techniques had wiped most of the vital questions about his planned trip out of my mind. The most important being when he was due to leave. With him buzzing around the room and gathering what he could, I had my answer, even though I didn’t like it.
“You’re leaving again already?” I asked, sitting up and watching his actions.
“The sooner I leave, the sooner I’ll be back,” he reminded me.
“But you only got home last night.” I pouted.
“I know.” He shot me an apologetic look, but I turned away so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes.
A car horn beeped out front, and he swung his bag onto his back.
“Wait? You’re leaving right now?” I practically screamed the last word.
“Sorry,” he murmured, knowing that there would be hell to pay later for his sudden exit. “But I’ll be back before you know it.”
“No, you won’t,” I snapped. “Two weeks is a long time when you’re all alone. At least you have your brother to keep you company and your mission to keep you busy. What do I have?”
“Evie, don’t do this now,” he pleaded. “Can’t we just say goodbye nicely? I don’t want to leave here while we’re fighting.”
I crossed my arms and twisted away from him. “It’s simple then. Don’t leave.”
“That’s not fair. I’ve already promised Eth, and we’ve got to get to the airport as soon as possible.”
Spinning back around to face him, I reached for the comforter, squeezing it between my fingers as a way to relieve at least a little of the stress racing through my body. “No, this isn’t fair, Clay. You’ve barely been home for twelve hours and you’re leaving again.”
He walked over to where I was sitting on the bed and knelt in front of me. He pulled my hands away from the comforter, where I had it in a death grip, and drew my palms to his. “It’s only two weeks and then I’ll be here fulltime. I know you think I enjoy going away, but it’s not that.”
“Then tell me why, Clay. Tell me why you’re so desperate to leave me all the time.”
He traced his thumb across my cheek. “I’m not desperate to leave you, I hate leaving you. It’s just that if something ever happened to Eth on one of these trips that my being there could have avoided, I would never forgive myself.”
The sparkle in his eyes was so earnest, and yet anxious, that I bit my tongue and refused to argue with him anymore. I would be forever grateful for the fact that he’d been granted a second chance with most of his family after turning his back on them all for me. I just had to realize that their reforged relationship meant that he occasionally had to put them first.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” I said as I fought back tears.
“I’ll miss you too,” he murmured quietly before pressing his lips against mine.
Just as he was deepening the kiss, and forcing me to reconsider my seated position on the edge of the bed, the horn outside sounded again. I groaned in frustration that he’d worked me up just to leave.
“And I’ll miss you, three,” he said to my stomach in his overly-cute baby talk before peppering a few light kisses over my stomach.
“Just go before I make you stay,” I said, pushing him away from my stomach as a pout formed on my lips.
“I love you, Evie.” He kissed me once more. “Mom will drop around later today to keep you company.”
His words seemed to hang in the air for too long as the emptiness of the house settled over me. I curled back up into bed to wallow in the fact that he was gone again so soon. It was hopeless trying to get up and do anything else, not with the way the hormones threatened, so instead of fighting it, I just let the tears take me.
CHAPTER TEN
JUST LIKE HE always did when he went away, Clay called as often as he could. The first time he called me was the night after he left, when they were just about to board their flight to Anchorage. He called once more when they landed. I wasn’t sure if he was calling for my benefit or his own.
His calls always left me with the impression that he’d rather be home, but whenever he was home for more than a few days, he seemed to grow anxious to go back on the hunt again. We were still trying to find a balance that worked for both of us, and I was confident we’d get there one day. I just wished we didn’t have to fight for that balance while I was six months pregnant and overrun with hormones and fear.
Despite being on my own for so many years, it was amazing how quickly I’d become dependent on Clay for companionship. I knew that even though our days had primarily consisted of survival training and self-defense lessons, Sweden had given me false expectations. I’d grown accustomed to having him hold me while we fell asleep each night and waking by his side every morning. When he first started leaving on the trips, I’d assumed I would develop coping strategies over time, but I hadn’t and was beginning to wonder if I ever would. It was the same after every goodbye.
In those first few hours, the absolute stillness of the house would echo in my ears louder than a freight train. I would wallow until the moment that Fiona or Aiden came to visit, and then I’d have to put on a brave face. Ostensibly they both came simply to spend some time with me, but I knew better. Although no one admitted to it, I had long held the suspicion that Clay had come to an agreement with both of them that either one or the other would check on me every day whenever he was away.
The moment my visitors left was always the time when the loneliness hit me the hardest. Being alone that first night was always the most difficult. It took hours to finally force my eyes closed and turn off my mind enough to stop reacting to every sound.
When I finally did sleep, the nightmares would be relentless in their assault. The events of each dream were different with every night that passed. I had a seemingly endless supply of horrendous events for my mind to twist and offer up as frightening visions. Sometimes I was back in the forest in Germany, other times I’d be watching Zarita’s death, I’d even been back in the warehouse in Charlotte once or twice, but there was always one constant—Clay. In every dream, he was either forcibly absent or hurt. Every night, I searched for him or tried to save him until I woke with a scream reverberating through whatever room I’d been able to fall asleep in.
Over the months, I’d tried a number of methods to fight off the night terrors, but nothing I’d tried was half as effective as having Clay by my side. Usually, by the third night, I didn’t even bother
trying to sleep. I’d just curl into a ball on the sofa with the TV on; the lights and sound keeping me awake, keeping me company, and most importantly keeping me sane.
Each time Clay called, I clung to the phone like a lovesick teenager, pining away for one more minute and refusing to hang up until the last possible second. The instant we did disconnect, a wave of melancholy settled over me that was impossible to shake for hours.
For some reason this particular trip was more reminiscent of his earlier ones, when I just wanted him home. The combination of it being the longest trip he’d taken so far and being so close to my due date was making me extra anxious. Whenever I spoke with him, the baby would become more active, kicking and fluttering, and I worried that she would arrive long before he came home. I was certain she’d pick the worst time, when I was completely alone, to make her entrance, and the thought terrified me.
“Where are you now?” My hand was tight around the receiver as I waited for Clay’s response. I was asking because I was supposed to ask, but it didn’t really matter because he wasn’t where he was supposed to be—here at home.
“Brooks Camp,” he said. “In the Katmai National Park. We just got in just a few minutes ago.”
My heart gave a little flutter at his words, a reminder that his first task when he landed was always to call me. In truth, the place names washed over me because I didn’t care about the where or why as much as the when—when he was coming home. That was all that mattered to me.
“Did you have a good flight?” It was small talk, and it was meaningless, but it would keep him on the phone with me for a little while longer. When he and Ethan had first started taking the longer assignments, I’d assumed they’d use the network of fairy rings. However, the fae had made it clear that if it didn’t involve others in New York, it didn’t involve them, and that the fairy rings were off limits for Rain use. I could understand Fiona’s logic because for the Rain to access the network, the fae were allowing themselves to become vulnerable—everyone would know the exact location of their court. It didn’t make it easier to deal with the missions taking that much longer because of travel time though.