by Susan Lewis
Eddie
It was Mrs Drake who lives along the lane that came to tell me she’d seen our Susan walking along Anchor Road with Mandy Hughes.
‘We were driving back from our mam’s,’ she said, and when I realised who it was I said to Colin, I bet her father doesn’t know she’s out with that girl, and in this weather. So I thought I better come and tell you.’
I thanked her for taking the trouble, and after checking our Gary was asleep, I put on my coat and went off in search of Susan.
I’ve told her now that she’s not allowed to see Mandy Hughes again, and if she does then she won’t be going out at all. I know she’ll play merry hell, but it’s the only way to stop her getting into trouble, and seeing that Sawyer boy’s name still covering all her books tells me that’s exactly where she’s heading. It’ll be Mandy Hughes who’s encouraging it, and from what I’ve heard about her … Well, I can’t even bring myself to think about our Susan going the same way.
Chapter Fifteen
Susan
MADE IT!
I’m out of breath after running all the way here, but I’m at the Horseshoe now, sitting on a bench outside with Mandy, waiting for Kev and Rich. She saw them yesterday, on their way home from work, and apparently Kev asked where I was.
He definitely wants to see you, Mandy wrote in the note she gave her brother to give to Gary to pass on to me. (Gary won’t split because he’s old enough now to understand that everyone hates splitters.) Meet me outside the Anchor at quarter past nine and we’ll walk up the Horseshoe together, she wrote.
This is the latest I’ve ever been out on my own, but it was quite easy sneaking out, because Dad was in the front room with Mr Pitman talking about Russian stuff and once they get going on that they’re lost in another world. I left by the back door so he wouldn’t hear me open and close it, and now I just have to hope Gary doesn’t decide he wants to come in and sleep with me, like he does sometimes, hoping for a story, because if he finds I’m not there he’ll be bound to think I’m downstairs and go down to find me.
I’m not worrying about that now though, because Kev and Rich are coming across the green, their collars up to keep out the cold, but at least it’s not raining. My heart’s thundering like a big bass drum. I know I’ve already necked with him (that’s what we call snogging now), but that was ages ago, and I’m afraid I might have put him off by not being any good.
‘He wouldn’t be coming if you weren’t,’ Mandy assures me.
That seems to make sense, so I say, ‘Where are we going? Did they tell you?’
‘No, they just said to be here.’
I take a quick puff of my fag and start to cough.
‘Oh for God’s sake. Can’t you do it right yet?’
‘Of course I can. It just got caught in my throat.’
‘Well don’t choke in front of them, and whatever you do, don’t start acting babyish if they want to go all the way. It’s time you did, or he definitely won’t want to see you any more.’
I swallow dryly. I’m not sure I want to do this really.
‘Don’t worry about what to do, he’ll show you, OK?’
‘OK,’ I whisper, and I cross my fingers tightly inside my pocket. Please God don’t let me show myself up and give me the courage to do it.
‘All right?’ Rich grunts to Mandy.
‘All right?’ she grunts back.
‘All right?’ Kev says to me.
‘All right?’ I say back.
‘Fancy coming down Larry and Clive’s house?’ Rich asks. ‘Their old dear and her bloke have gone up London for New Year, so they’ve got the place to themselves.’
Straight away Mandy says, ‘Yeah, we’ll come.’
Even though I feel nervous, I’m excited too, and when Mandy tucks her arm through Rich’s to start back across the green, I look awkwardly at Kev.
‘Are you going to walk with me?’ he offers.
I fill up with pride to find myself walking arm in arm with him, just like a proper boyfriend and girlfriend. I wish the whole world could see me, but I suppose it’s better they don’t or someone, like that old busybody Mrs Drake, would be sure to go rushing back to tell Dad. So I keep my head down every time a car goes past, until we’re walking up the lane to where Larry and Clive Frost’s house is all lit up with twinkling Christmas lights.
Clive answers the door and once we’re inside he takes us into the front room which is quite posh in a way, with all kinds of brass ornaments on the brick fireplace and a three-bar gas fire that’s making it lovely and warm. Larry’s sprawled out on a black leatherette settee watching something on the telly, but when we come in he gets up to turn it off and starts to grin.
‘All right?’ he says to Mandy and me.
‘All right?’ she says back.
‘Fancy a drink?’ Clive offers.
‘What have you got?’ she asks.
‘He looks at his brother and shrugs. ‘Cider?’
‘Or sherry,’ Larry adds.
I’ve only ever had sips of sherry, usually over Auntie Doreen’s at Christmas, but tonight I get a full glass all to myself. It’s really lush.
Larry puts on some music, so we start twisting and dancing, and it’s funny, but no matter how much sherry I drink my glass always seems to be full. When Joe Cocker comes on I remember how Kev said that ‘I Get by with a Little Help from My Friends’ was one of his favourites, so I try to do my best dancing to that, but it’s not easy because the record’s quite slow and I’m starting to feel quite dizzy. It turns out all right though, because Kev comes and smooches with me and it’s so fantastic feeling him up against me that I could die. I saw this film the other night on telly where a woman was kissing a man on his stomach and I’m thinking how much I’d like to do that to Kev.
‘Fancy going upstairs?’ he whispers in my ear.
My stomach turns over, along with my heart. I want to say yes, but at the same time I don’t. I notice then that Mandy’s no longer in the room, nor is Clive. Larry and Rich are sitting on the settee smoking and drinking beer and talking about something that might be football.
I let Kev lead me up the stairs by the hand. It’s lovely how masterful he is.
When we get to the bedroom he leaves the light turned off, and closes the door. I can’t see a thing, and I’m dizzy again, but then he puts his arms around me and we start to neck. I love the way his mouth tastes of beer and fags.
We lie down on the bed together and he starts to unzip his jeans. I’m trying not to feel scared, so I lie very still, remembering that Mandy told me he’d show me what to do. I hope I get it right.
Somewhere deep, deep down inside me a voice is screaming ‘Mummy’ but I won’t let myself listen.
Mandy and I are on our way home now. I’m not sure what time it is, and I’m more worried about being able to get in without waking up Dad than anything else. It’s freezing cold, and I feel a bit sick and strange.
‘So are you still a virgin?’ Mandy asks.
‘I think so,’ I answer miserably. I know I am, because we didn’t go all the way.
‘Oh God,’ she groans. ‘Was he mad?’
‘No, not really. I don’t think so.’
‘How about the others? What did you do with them?’
‘Not much,’ I mumble, feeling really horrible now about the way Kev told me to stay where I was when he’d got fed up with me because Larry wanted to come up and get on the bed with me. I didn’t say no in case Kev packed me up, but I wish I had, even though all I did with Larry was some necking and a bit of touching up.
‘Come on, cheer up,’ Mandy says. ‘At least you got to go with him, even if it wasn’t all the way.’
‘I’m all right,’ I insist feebly.
‘No, you’re not, I can tell. Did any of them put it in your mouth?’
I want to gag. ‘No,’ I answered. I feel so immature and ashamed. What must Kev be thinking now? I’ve got to make myself be able to do things properly, or he’ll never wan
t to go out with me.
Linking my arm, Mandy says, ‘Don’t worry, you wait, once you get used to it you’ll love it.’
I’m finding that quite hard to believe, but I don’t bother to argue.
Hearing someone whistling out behind us, we turn to see Kev and Rich walking fast to catch up with us.
‘All right?’ Kev says to me, putting an arm round my shoulders.
Amazed, I find myself breaking into a smile. I definitely am now, and I snuggle into him, wishing we were married and that we could go home together and sleep in the same bed.
‘Are you OK?’ he whispers, kissing me on the lips when we reach the garages, where we have to go different ways.
My heart soars. That must mean he wants to see me again, which would be fantastic if I didn’t have to go back to bloody school on Monday.
I’m not going.
‘Get on your knees,’ he says, pressing down on my shoulders.
I hear a noise next to us, and looking round I see that Mandy’s already on her knees in front of Rich.
I feel really angry with myself. I have to do this, or I’m going to look like a great big baby.
The way his fingers are digging into my shoulders really hurts. I try to think about something else, like dancing in the rec room, or what days I’ll be down for a bath next term. I imagine everyone grouped round me fascinated to hear everything I did with Kev during the holidays. I’ll say we’ve gone all the way – I have to, because I’ve already told them that anyway.
I hear footsteps coming along the lane and we all go very still. Mandy sniggers and quickly clamps a hand over her mouth.
Please God, don’t let it be Dad. Please, please, please.
Whoever it is walks on past and doesn’t even seem to notice us.
‘See you then,’ Kev says, and taking a packet of fags from his pocket he lights up as he and Richie walk away.
‘I ought to go home now,’ I say to Mandy, ‘before my dad finds out I’m not there.’
Luckily, I manage to sneak into the house without waking anyone up. I get undressed in the dark, being as quiet as I can, then snuggle up in bed with my old ted to keep warm. I think I’m happier than I’ve ever been, because I’ve spent all evening with Kev, so I don’t understand why I’m starting to cry. I’m not sad, I know I’m not, but I can’t seem to stop crying. I cling on to Ted even tighter, and inside my head I start screaming. I wish Mum was here. She’d make everything better, the way she always used to. Not that anything’s wrong, because it isn’t. I just wish she’d come back. I don’t want to be without her any more. It’s been long enough now. I don’t want it to go on any longer.
Please, please, please God don’t let her be dead so she can come back.
Eddie
It’s half-past six in the morning, pitch black outside and cold enough to freeze the whatsits off a brass monkey. I don’t blame our Susan for not wanting to get up, I found it hard enough myself, but if we don’t get a move on we’re going to be late.
There’s no answer when I knock on her door, but she was in the bathroom just now and I can hear her moving around, so I know she’s up.
‘Have you got your toiletry bag?’ I call out, trying to keep it to a whisper so I don’t wake Gary.
She doesn’t answer, so I knock again, and say, ‘What are you doing in there?’
‘Nothing,’ she answers sulkily.
With a sigh, I leave her be for now and go downstairs to pack up my flask and sandwiches to take to work. The house is as cold as a fridge. I went to fetch some coal in just now and nearly ended up on my backside thanks to all the ice on the path. I’ll have to be careful driving this morning or we’ll be skidding off the road into a ditch.
I’ve set the fire ready for when Mrs Moon, the home help, comes to get Gary out of bed. She should be here about seven. This’ll be her first day back after Christmas, and it’s a pity she’s not going to meet Susan, but then again, given the mood our Susan seems to be in this morning, it’s probably just as well.
Putting on my cap and scarf, I go back upstairs to see what she’s doing. ‘Are you dressed?’ I ask from outside her door.
‘Get lost.’
‘Come on now,’ I say. ‘I told Mrs Beach we’d be at her house by a quarter past seven, and we don’t want to make her late.’
‘I’m not going.’
Bracing myself for battle, I crack open her door. ‘Can I come in?’
‘No!’
In I go anyway to find her sitting on the edge of her bed, dressed in the denim jeans and jacket she bought with her Christmas money. Since they’re allowed to wear their own clothes back to school, I’m not surprised by that, or by the mutinous look on her face.
‘Have you finished packing?’ I’m able to see my breath, it’s so cold in her room.
‘What does it look like?’ she growls.
The old suitcase Eddress and I took on honeymoon is sitting on the floor next to her with the lid down. ‘Then put your coat on and get a move on,’ I tell her.
‘I’m not going.’
‘Susan, we haven’t got time for this.’
‘I don’t care. I’m not going.’
She starts to cry, but we’ve been through this enough times for me to know better than to start being soft with her.
‘I can’t go,’ she says.
‘Do as you’re told now.’
‘I’m not very well.’
Something else I’ve heard before. ‘Then you can go and see matron when you get there.’
‘I don’t want to see her! I want to stay here, and you can’t make me go.’
Maybe it’s the cold, maybe it’s guilt, or maybe I’ve just had enough, because I suddenly snap. ‘You’ll get down those stairs right now, my girl, or you’ll be sorry.’
It’s rare I lose my temper, so she looks startled for a second, then she’s in for the battle. ‘I’m not going,’ she seethes.
I’m just not having this, so grabbing the suitcase I seize her arm and drag her across the room, out to the top of the stairs.
‘Get off me, you’re hurting,’ she shouts.
‘Keep your voice down, Gary’s still asleep.’
‘I don’t care.’
I go ahead down the stairs, pulling her after me. She’s still resisting, but I don’t let go, and when she tries to make herself fall I tighten my grip and keep her upright.
‘Now put your bloody boots and coat on,’ I tell her when we reach the bottom.
‘Don’t swear at me.’
‘And don’t cheek me back. I’ve had about all I can take of you, young lady. I’m just thankful your mother didn’t live to see what you’re turning into.’
‘Don’t say that!’ she screams, launching herself at me. ‘That’s a horrible, wicked thing to say.’
‘And you’re a horrible, wicked girl. Now get out of that door.’
‘Don’t push me!’
‘I said go.’
By the time we’re on our way down the path, ducking under frosty branches, and trying not to skid on the ice, she’s sobbing so hard I hardly know whether to say sorry or slap her. ‘I hate you for making me go,’ she chokes. ‘I don’t want to be me any more. I wish I was dead. You’ll be sorry then.’
I left the car up the top last night, so when she goes the wrong way at the gate I grab her hard and force her up the hill.
‘Don’t!’ she shouts, tears streaming down her face as she tries to shake me off.
I shove her along. ‘Do as you’re told or you’ll get a damned good hiding.’
‘Why are you being so mean?’ She skids and starts to fall, but I haul her up again. Then I slip and drop the suitcase and the bloody thing bursts open, spilling her stuff out on to the street.
‘Look what you’ve done now!’ she shouts.
‘It’s your own damned fault,’ I shout back. ‘Now get in the car while I pick it up.’
There’s no time to fold anything. I just shove it back in the case, handfuls of
slush and all, snap shut the one clasp that’s working and throw it on to the back seat.
‘I hate you,’ she wails as I get in the driver’s side next to her.
‘Shut up,’ I bark. ‘I’ve had all I can take from you this morning, now I don’t want to hear another word.’
She turns her head away, but I can still hear her crying.
‘Stop that damned snivelling,’ I snap, annoyed by the sluggish turn of the engine.
‘I can’t help it!’ she cries. ‘You’re being horrible to me, and you threw all my clothes in the street, so why don’t you do the same to me?’
‘Don’t tempt me,’ and sending a silent thank you to God as the engine catches, I start driving gingerly along the road.
Getting out of Greenways and Dawn Rise is a risky business, but at least we don’t bang into any of the parked cars, and when we get to Tennis Court Road the gritters have already been round so it starts to get easier.
We might just make it to Mrs Beach’s in time, if not I’ll end up having to take her the whole way myself, and I can’t afford to be late for work this morning, not with how much we’ve spent over Christmas. I need to put in all the hours I can now.
By the time we get to Fishponds Mrs Beach and Glenys are already in their car, so I quickly apologise for being late, and after dumping our Susan’s case in the boot I turn round to give her a kiss. It’s only now I’m having to let her go that I start to feel terrible about the way I shoved her out of the house and dropped all her clothes in the street.
‘I’m sorry, my darling,’ I say, giving her a hug. ‘I shouldn’t have shouted at you. Are you going to be all right?’
‘No,’ she sniffs.
I tilt up her face. ‘I’ll be up to collect you on Thursday afternoon, all right? We’ve got another appointment with Dr Leigh.’
‘I’m not going,’ she mutters.
Now isn’t the time to argue.’ Off you go, ‘I say, ‘or you’ll make Glenys late.’
Mercifully, she does as she’s told and I stand watching her, wishing with all my heart that I could start this morning all over again.