Then I saw her sitting on her porch on Thanksgiving. My heart thumped back to life. I was still in love with her. Watching her sitting on the porch looking up at the stars made my skin prickle and my dick hard, but it was more than that, it was my second chance. A moment that I waited seven years for. But as usual she wouldn’t listen, she was pissed off, she had every right to be. I made a promise to always be in her life no matter what and I fucked up. I made one mistake, one terrible mistake and my life got shot to hell. I reasoned that I wasn’t good enough for her and I feared confessing the truth.
More than my mistake I knew I could never handle her rejection. When she rejected me after prom it was different, my gut told me she would come to her senses, after all, I had done nothing wrong. I waited and waited during my first year at Harvard but she didn’t try to contact me and I reasoned she needed more time to figure out some stuff with her life. That’s when I royally fucked up. The mistake almost cost me my post-graduate education and it kept me away for a painstaking seven years. I felt like a failure to myself and my family, I had to come clean to my father about what happened and the look of disgust he had in his eyes broke me. It made me wonder if I would ever be good for Lexi. It created the chip on my shoulder that made me question if I was right for an angel like Lexi. Those seven years away were brutal and I had some growing up to do.
When I saw her on Thanksgiving I realized that I wasn’t a young helpless kid anymore. I was a grown man and I wanted her back. I needed her, as selfish as it may sound. When the French prick punched me out, I wasn’t expecting it, but I’m ready for him now, in fact I feel like killing him for what he’s done. It’s a feeling I’ve never felt before, but anger consumes me.
I take a deep breath trying to keep myself together.
“Hey Dylan?”
“Yeah?” I turned around to see Anna standing a few feet away with her arms wrapped around her waist and her shoulders sulking. She had proven herself to be good friend to Lexi. I watched her dedication this past week in the hospital.
“I don’t want you to be mad at Lex,” she said hesitantly, like she was walking on egg shells.
“I could never be mad at her,” I responded with my brows drawn in. Where was she going with this?
“I mean about the baby, it was overwhelming for her, but she loved that baby,” she paused as a single tear fell down her cheek.
“Oh,” I said taking a step back and lifting my hand up to my heart as if I could protect it from what she was about to say. I leaned against the wall in the hallway. She knows that baby was mine, is all I could think.
“I know it’s none of my business, but Lexi’s too out of it to communicate or explain herself. I feel like I have to explain for her.”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly. The thought that Lexi was carrying my baby and felt that she couldn’t come to me, rips me apart. It makes me realize how many different ways I’ve wronged her.
“She was away on vacation with Luc when she started getting sick. You know she never wanted kids and she freaked out…” she paused. “She knew the baby was yours,” she blurted out. Then paused to gage my reaction, I think. Shit.
“How did she know?” I asked almost too quietly as I ran my fingers through my hair. My chest hurt thinking about Lexi alone and pregnant, feeling like she couldn’t depend on me. I had abandoned her and because of my actions she didn’t trust me. She lost faith in me. How will I ever win back her trust?
“After she saw you Thanksgiving she was evading Luc for almost a month. It had to be yours. You should know that even though she was freaked out about the baby, she bonded with it and fell in love instantly. Even I was in awe…” Anna said with sheer sadness in her eyes. She looked like she was falling apart. I had a feeling the baby was mine, but to hear her confirmation, hurts on a different level.
“I don’t know what to say, why did she marry the guy?” It’s a stupid question that I can’t stop thinking about since Mom called to tell me the news.
“Honestly, I think she was scared, lonely and lost. I came to Kauai to talk her out of it. She’s so stubborn…” she nodded her head smiling sadly at the memory. “She had her mind set on the marriage.”
“Tell me about it. I think she has to be the most stubborn girl I’ve ever met,” I said as my lips slightly curved thinking of all the times I had called Lexi a stubborn girl.
“But you love her?” Anna asked, questioning me with accusation in her tone. I got that she was protective over Lexi and I appreciated her large heart.
“Yeah, I do. I always have. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I said blowing out air and inwardly cringing. “I don’t know why I didn’t come after her sooner,” I said lifting a leg up and leaning on the wall for support. It took me seven years to stop blaming myself for something that everyone I cared and respected tried to convince me endlessly was not my fault. How long would it take me to right the wrongs I’ve done to Lexi? Abandoning her had led to terrible things. She wasn’t better off without me, she needed me and I feel like a fool for thinking otherwise.
A nurse walked over to where Anna and I were standing and talking. “Dr. Priestley you’re needed in examination room 5.”
“I’ll come by later,” I said apologetically to Anna giving her a sad smile.
“Sure,” she squeezed my shoulder lightly and walked back toward Lexi’s room. At least I knew Lexi wouldn’t be alone.
Chapter 4
The Cat Got my Tongue
Lexi
I’m glad Mom is gone. I don’t know why she would think I would want to come home with her. I hate it there. Can’t she understand that? I can’t speak, my emotions feel buried deep inside. My stomach is in knots. I want to relax, I wish I could calm down, but I can’t. My mind is foggy. I know Anna and Ash are still here. They’ve been whispering in the corner about Ash going back to Montreal, but she’s bent on staying by my side. My little sister can be as stubborn as me sometimes.
I want to tell her that it’s best for her to go back to school, but I can’t speak. The words won’t come out.
Dylan walks back into the room.
“How are you Lex?” he asked and ran his hand gently over my hair, it’s a calming gesture, but I’m not calm. I can’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. I can’t turn around, I can’t move. I wish he would go. Can’t he see that I’m no good for him? I’m an irresponsible fucking mess. I’m batshit crazy, he should cut his losses now. I’ve lost his baby he won’t want me when he finds out.
“Lex please talk to me,” he pleads with a gentle voice. Why does he have to be so kind? I want to tell him to leave, but the words won’t come. I can’t speak. I’m cold and empty. My body begins to shiver. Dylan gives me a kiss on the forehead. “I need to head back to the ER. I will come back later."
A male hospital worker enters the room, “I’m here for Ms. White.” Great this is my sentence for losing my mind, the psych ward. Anna and Ash are told they can’t come with. Ash comes up to me and gives me a kiss on the forehead. I’m ashamed. She must think I am the world’s worst role model. Getting married, pregnant, and getting the shit kicked out of me. I lie on the stretcher numb. My life has fallen apart but the psych ward seemed like a better option than going home with Mom. I think.
They take me up in the elevator. The man enters a code and I can hear beeping sounds. I guess these doors stay locked. It makes sense. I’ll be locked away like Luc. I laugh inside my head at the irony. I think Luc broke me, I can’t speak, like the cat got my tongue. My mind is on a constant re-run of the night of the attack. How I tried to get away from him. And that crazy look he had in his eyes. I should have known he wasn’t only drunk, after living with an alcoholic mother for so many years I should have understood that he was more than a violent drunk. I should have never gone back to his condo alone. I should have listened to Ash’s and Dylan’s warnings about him. I try to think of why I didn’t. I mean, I consider myself to be a smart woman. I got into law school, I thought I was per
ceptive and strong minded. When and how did my life get side swiped the way it did? It makes me feel stupid and I wallow in my self-doubt. Only this time it’s not rooted in my mother’s cruel words, or maybe it is. Maybe growing up believing I was worthless left more of an imprint than I ever realized. Shit! I have so much on my plate right now. More than I can handle. My thoughts make my stomach churn and I’m overtaken by a bout of nausea and dizziness.
A nurse comes out to the hall to meet the man that has been rolling my bed to this point. She introduced herself as Marlene. A nice African American lady. She transferred me to a room by myself. The room is bland with white walls and a window, everything smells so sterile. Marlene helped me transfer to the bed. My stomach felt like knives stabbing through it, the rest of my body is tired, bruised and broken.
Marlene hummed while setting up my intravenous tubes. “There you go honey. All set.” Her voice was gentle. I wanted to say thank you, but I can’t will the words out. Nothing feels real. I told Luc the baby wasn’t his. I think that’s what pushed him over the edge or maybe he was already over the edge with the drugs and alcohol and it wouldn’t have mattered. I’ll never know. His brutal kicks flash through my mind. The wild look in his eyes as he kicked me senseless, a nightmare, only I’m still awake.
After staring at the white walls for an endless amount of hours, Marlene returned. “Something to help you sleep dear,” she said passing me a little cup with a blue pill inside. I opened my mouth and dumped the contents inside. It tasted bitter and I tried to wash it down with more water. Eventually my eyes grew heavy and I was taken back to a different time.
***
“I’m so glad you agreed to do this,” Dylan said looking over at me from the driver’s seat. He was bugging me about going on a camping trip for a long Victoria Day weekend forever. I was nervous about leaving Ash, we always stuck together. I was also nervous about being alone with him. “Ash will have a blast with my sisters this weekend don’t worry,” he glanced over at me from the driver’s seat with a reassuring glance.
“I know she will,” I replied, my voice a little distant. I wasn’t convinced. The thought of leaving her left me anxious.
“What is it Lex?” he asked reading the heavy look on my face. How could I tell him that I was worried that my mom would die while I was away? Yes, I left her for one night here and there but never longer than that. Would she eat okay, would she choke on her own vomit? My thoughts alone made me realize that I would never be a normal teenager.
“You’re worried about her, aren’t you?” he asked, keeping his eyes glued to the road. We were approaching Algonquin Park and the roads had become narrower and the curves steeper.
“Yeah,” I replied guiltily. I shouldn’t feel shame over worrying about my alcoholic mother but I did, I worried. After everything she had done to me, I still cared. She was the only parent I had and I figured it was better than nothing.
“Don’t feel bad Lex, you’ve got a good heart, you should never feel bad about caring,” Dylan said picking up my hand and placing a small kiss on it. The touch of his lips to my skin always caused my stomach to twirl in the most delicious way. Once we got to the camp site we settled in and Dylan started up a barbeque. I had been to the lake near our house many times but this was my first time camping so far away from home and with Dylan as my boyfriend. Every time I said the words in my head, that Dylan was my boyfriend, it seemed surreal. It was a lifetime coming. I wanted to hold on to what we had forever.
“The chicken is delicious Dyl,” I said enjoying our romantic meal by the campfire. Dylan snuggled on the ground close to me as we watched the fire crackle in front of us keeping us warm. For mid-spring it was a cool evening and the warmth of the fire was welcoming. After dinner we decided to crack open some beers and take a walk in the near vicinity since I was scared of bears.
“It’s beautiful here, so serene, I love the peace and quiet,” I said as we strolled down one of the trails in the national park. I had a beer in my hand and I was underage so I kept scanning the area for park patrol.
“Yeah, I love it here, I came here a few times with my family in the summer when we were younger, it was a blast, but once Riley and Noa got older they weren’t into roughing it on a camping trip,” he chuckled and a warm look came across his features as he thought of his younger sisters.
“I can see that,” I grinned.
“Yeah, they like the luxury which is good too,” Dylan smiled warmly.
“Luxury is good I guess,” I replied suddenly feeling a wave of nausea roll over me in a bad way.
Dylan stopped walking and looked at me intently. “What is it Lex?”
“I feel sick, like I’m going to vomit,” I said suddenly feeling like I needed to put the beer down and take a seat. Another roll of nausea washed over me and I could feel that bad burning sensation in the back of my throat. “Shit.” I moved away from Dylan quickly and leaned my head over the side of the trail vomiting profusely in front of him. Gosh, could this be any more embarrassing? Not the romantic ambiance I had in mind.
Dylan quickly moved to me and held my hair up while I poured the contents of my dinner on the side of the trail. When I felt empty, I lifted my head and turned to him feeling a strong flush come over my cheeks.
“I’m feeling a little sick too,” he said suddenly rubbing his own stomach. His face quickly paled and dark bags appeared under his eyes, he looked the way I felt. Without warning he moved away from me to the opposite side of the trail and began vomiting too. I quickly ran to his side feeling like watching him vomit will make it happen again for me. What a disaster. When he released the contents of his stomach he continued to heave.
“I think the chicken must have gone bad on the drive,” he muttered picking his head back up. Both of us had remnants of vomit along our mouths and it was full out gross. As sick as I felt, I began to laugh hard.
“What’s so funny?” he asked with a grim tone. Sick Dylan was a little cranky.
“Nothing, it’s just not the romantic weekend I envisioned us having,” I smirked through my grogginess.
“Come on, let’s go back to the campsite we need to get some water,” he said taking my hand. The rest of the night I felt awful and had to run off to the side to vomit some more. Dylan made me sip water slowly and rubbed my back. He gave me all the blankets since I felt chilled and he only had the one vomiting episode.
Sitting by the fire snuggled to him I said, “Thanks Dyl.”
“For what?” he drew his eyebrows close together assessing my features.
“For taking care of me, whenever I get sick at home, I take care of me and this….” I paused feeling myself getting a little too emotional, but after combating viruses and taking myself to walk-in clinics when Ash and I got sick, this was like heaven. The feeling of having someone take care of me was indescribable.
Dylan drew me in closer holding me tight in his strong arms, his arms felt like home and I felt safe. While watching the midnight blue sky and the tall evergreens and maple trees in the background swishing in the wind I realized that I never wanted to be with anyone else. I belonged to him and him to me.
“I love you Lex,” Dylan said placing a soft kiss on my forehead.
“I love you too, Dyl,” I replied, but I didn’t kiss him, not after all the vomiting I had done.
****
Brightness blared in my eyes willing me to wake up. The light was followed by Marlene’s voice, I opened my eyes slowly. “Ms. White, good morning. I’m taking it that you had a good night sleep. It’s already nine a.m.,” she smiled kindly. I didn’t respond. “Can we try to sit you up dear? We need to get you moving a bit.”
I nodded in response and she helped me up to a seated position. “I know you’re having a hard time, but we at least need to move your body so there won’t be complications after surgery,” she explained.
A moment later. Mom burst into the room causing Marlene’s eyes to widen. “Alexis White, you start talking and get yourself
together,” she insisted prancing over to the side of my bed. Her hair was all done up, her make-up impeccable, she’s wearing a lovely black and white fitted dress to her knees and matching pumps. I wasn’t ready to speak and I don’t like to blame others for my predicament, but all I could think was, "you did this to me, you stupid bitch." The moment the thought came to mind guilt washed over me, she was my mother and she was sick.
She made me feel even more nervous than I already was. “Come on Alexis, you can’t be in here forever and I’m told that if you don’t start talking that may happen,” she breathed out flabbergasted. “Come on Alexis you’re like me, strong willed, we get past our issues. You don’t need these people to help you.”
My body cringed at her insinuation that we’re alike. Being like her is my worst nightmare come true. I desperately hoped she was wrong. I always thought of myself as strong, I thought I had my shit together and I was so very wrong. I want to tell her how messed up she really is and how her alcoholic lifestyle really fucked with my life. But I can’t do it, I can’t be that mean and what’s the point?
There was a light knock on the door and Mom and I turned our heads. “Sorry to interrupt ladies, I’m Dr. Newman,” said a young man with a kind smile as he stood by the door holding a clip board. He entered the room and Mom straightened herself out and smiled introducing herself.
“Pleasure to meet you Dr. Newman,” Mom said extending her hand. I actually thought she was flirting and I inwardly rolled my eyes. “Doctor when do you think my Alexis will be ready to leave?” she asked batting her beautiful lashes and holding her polished hand in the air. Crap she is flirting. He’s like twenty years younger than her.
“Well that will be up to Alexis, we haven’t started therapy yet,” he shrugged then turned his attention to me with a kind smile.
Twisted Love Page 3