“Relax Alexis it’s just me,” Luc said moving out of the dark corner of the room toward my bed.
“RELAX,” I answered with a loud voice surprising myself. The volume of my voice makes me reassured that when I need to speak, I can. This mutism was the result of something I was feeling, as Dr. Newman explained. I guess I feel the need to protect myself right now. “Please go, why did you come back? Please go,” I begged him but he didn’t seem to be listening to me.
My head flicks back and forth assessing what my next steps should be. I need to get up and get away from him, but I’m too weak. A hand softly brushes mine. “Calm down Alexis. I wanted to make sure you were okay. You haven’t been home in two weeks. I’ve been worried sick looking for you. I used resources to find you. I hope you are okay,” he explained softly, leaving me more than confused.
Everything about his demeanor was different from the last time I saw him. This afternoon he walked into my room looking passive but that flip was switched the second Dylan came pounding in here. Now Luc looks concerned, with softness in his eyes, but a part of me feels like maybe this is a dream or that I’ve lost my mind. It would make sense, I am in a psychiatric ward in a hospital. This would be fitting. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I try to make sense of what’s happening. He doesn’t look dangerous, he looks tormented, but I can’t be sure. I continue looking for the call button frantically. “Please Alexis, I won’t hurt you, I need to know why you’re here, this is a psychiatric ward, but you look like you’ve been beaten.” His soft tone is almost an irony. He was a crazed mad man that beat me, why is he soft and quiet now? He was unraveling, I saw the monster he became.
His words sound muffled over my labored breathes. What the hell’s he talking about? I can’t speak again, fear has me strangled.
“Please Alexis, tell me what happened to you?” he begs mercilessly. What’s wrong with him? He happened to me. I stare at him with a look of puzzlement, he doesn’t look dangerous, he doesn’t look like he’s getting ready to suffocate the life out of me with my pillow. His hunched shoulders and defeated demeanor are at odds with the repeated vision I have of him calling me a bitch and kicking the shit out of me.
“Is the baby okay Alexis?” he asked causing unwanted memories and pain to surface. Maybe I’m hallucinating, maybe this is a dream. They have me on too much medication.
I don’t respond and he inhales a long deep breathe rubbing his hand gently on mine. His simple caress feels like a pin prick and I can’t breathe. Then he walks out the door into the dimmed light of the hallway and disappears out of sight. My heart continues to race fast. I can’t fall back asleep and I stare endlessly at the ceiling tiles. Tears slowly drip out of the corner of my eyes. Why did he come back? How does he get past security to get in here? Ash told them not to let him in. My thumping heart sounds like a consistent beat of a drum in my ears. I don’t know who to call for help, what will I tell the nurse. He’s gone already, Ash will just freak out more than she already has and Dylan…I’m afraid what’s happened to Dylan, and it’s all my fault. I can’t fall back asleep so I cry, and I think, and I cry, until the midnight blue sky becomes lighter as the minutes pass by.
***
When the sky is bright and the sun is shining I hear a knock on my door. “Lex, it’s me,” Dylan said, his tone a gentle whisper. I sat up quickly in my bed and flinched from the pain. Dylan peeked his head around the door.
“Dylan, what happened? Are you okay?” I asked, checking over his entire body, from head to toe. Last thing I knew he was taken by the police.
“I’m fine. Calm down,” his lip tugs up at the corners and I don’t know how he can be so calm. I feel like he’s putting on a show so I won’t worry and I don’t like that he’s trying to step on eggshells for me.
“Dylan cut it out, this is serious. You are an employee of this hospital and you were removed by the police,” I said crossing my arms over my chest. This got me a panty dropping smile but didn’t explain the threat. I remained seated in my bed despite the strong pressure and pain emanating from my stomach.
“I’m happy you’re talking.” His eyes opened and closed and I could see he was truly relieved.
“Thank you,” I smiled softly. “Dylan how much trouble are you in? I don’t need you sugar coating this,” I gazed at him with my serious face. I want him to know that I don’t want to be treated like a porcelain doll.
His hand swiped over his mouth and I could tell he was considering his next words. “That French prick is charging me with assault. He has a crazy idea that you will come back to him and I think he wants me out of the picture, not to mention that I think he’s playing like he doesn’t remember attacking you.” His words are quick and to the point and it takes me a moment to process. He gave me a cocky smile as he glared at me through blue eyes so clear that it almost hurt to look at him, he was so beautiful. I knew he was smiling because I wanted honesty and he gave it to me, the whole ugly honest truth.
His honesty was causing my stomach to roil. I wanted to give him the same honesty he deserved. I wanted to tell him that Luc returned last night, but a part of me is hesitant because of what his reaction may be. I didn’t want him to get into more trouble than he already was.
“What is it Lexi?” he asked leaning forward on the chair beside my bed. His voice was stern and I knew he wanted answers. Will it always be like this between us? We know each other so well that we can almost read each other’s thoughts.
“Okay, Luc came back here last night….” I paused expecting a harsh reaction. Sure enough Dylan popped out of his seat, his blue eyes widening. “What, when, how?” He began to pace the room.
“Would you relax? He clearly didn’t hurt me but he managed to scare the hell out of me. It must have been the middle of the night. I woke up and he was in the room. He wanted answers from me. What you're saying is true, he’s playing like he doesn’t remember attacking me.”
“Fuck,” he snapped. “He attacked me back at the station last night, they asked me if I wanted to press charges and I said no, what a fucking idiot I am. At least it would have kept him away from you.”
“Dylan stop it. You made the right decision. Trust me I met his father and you don’t want to deal with those people,” I said hoping to convey the severity of the danger that was the Blanchard family. If Dylan got tangled up with that family because of me, I pause, the thought is unbearable. “Dylan I almost died. I don’t need you in the hospital bed beside me.”
He paused holding on to his chin, and walked toward my bed taking a seat on the edge. His close proximity made my broken body tingle, and as good as it felt, I tried not to let my mind wander where he was concerned. I knew I was broken and had nothing to offer Dylan. I didn’t want any false pretenses between us, and there was always the big fat elephant in the room. The pain I lived with after he left and never turned back.
“How are you?” he asked dropping the subject of Luc and refocusing on me with warm eyes.
“In bad shape,” I chuckled trying to make the situation lighter, but then I flinched from the pain. Nothing about this situation was funny.
“It will get better Lex,” he said gazing into my eyes in a reassuring way.
“I hope so, what do we do about you? Does the hospital know what happened here last night?”
“Yeah, my superior called me this morning and told me that I will be placed on a temporary leave of absence pending the charges,” he explained letting out a sigh.
I gasped harshly. “Dylan this is all my fault I need to fix this…I,” I paused as guilt washed over me. I did this to him. How do I fix this when I can’t get myself together?
“Don’t push yourself, I will figure things out.” He moved in closer for a hug and when he gathered me in his strong arms a part of me felt safe, felt like home, but I needed to raise my guard back up. How was it that even his simple gestures turned me to mush? He let out a long exhale and pressed me even stronger into his firm body. He was rock solid. “
You take care of yourself and figure things out, I will take care of Luc.”
“Dylan I don’t like the sound of that. He’s dangerous,” I warned him knowing what Luc was capable of.
“It will be okay,” he replied brushing his thumb along my lips, his touch caused my eyes to shut and embrace the moment. How would or could I ever resist this man? Even though every part of my aching heart is spewing off warning signals.
“I need to make some calls Lex. What are your plans?” he said holding his cell phone in his hand.
“I want to get out of here, I need to go back to my old apartment,” I replied looking down at my hospital sheet and brushing my finger along it nervously.
“Okay, but you should come for therapy,” he suggested carefully.
“I know, I need to work some things out,” I muttered.
“I’m glad Lex,” he hugged me again. Every time he’s hugged me in the last five minutes it felt like he was almost inhaling me, something about his need for me, warmed me in places that had been cold a long time. Remembering those safe welcoming arms made me want to be wrapped in them forever. I don’t know that I can trust him to follow through. I would never survive another broken heart inflicted by Dylan. I know I pushed him away after prom but the fact that he never returned sent a loud and clear message.
He walked out of the room with his head hanging low. My heart twisted and tears were in free fall. I stared out the window through blurry eyes. From my bed I could see people walking up and down the street. The sun was shining making the snow on the ground glisten. I now realize that I took my freedom for granted. My sanity for granted and now I was here.
I press the call button.
“Yes doll,” I hear one of the nurses respond from the nurse's station.
“I need to make a phone call, I’m ready to sign myself out.”
“Sure, Marlene will be right over.”
I put down the call button and pulled myself up to a seated position, my stomach was tender but I could handle the pain. I needed to get out of this place fast. The mere thought of being locked up in here was making me claustrophobic. Moments later Marlene strode into the room holding a phone.
“Here you go dear,” she said leaning down to plug it into an outlet by the floor.
“Thanks Marlene,” I smiled as she walked out the door. She turned her head with a gracious smile.
I pressed the buttons on the old style phone to call Anna. A few rings later she picked up.
“Hello,” she said hesitantly probably unsure of the unknown number.
“Anna, it’s me.”
“Lexi, it’s so good to hear your voice, I miss you so much. Are you okay? They wouldn’t let me in to see you,” she began to ramble quickly.
“I’m signing myself out of the hospital can you help me get home?”
“Of course, Lex, but is that a good idea?”
“Yeah, I can’t stay here anymore, I think I will actually lose my mind if I do. I need to be back in my own place.”
“I hear you, that place is eerie, let me get dressed and I will be there soon.”
“Thanks Anna.”
“You don’t need to thank me Lex. Bye.”
“Bye, see you soon.”
I hung up the phone with Anna and forced myself to stand up off the bed. I’ve been pushed around in a wheel chair since arriving here. I’m lightheaded and I grip on to the bed to steady myself. I know I need to start moving around it’s been two weeks since the attack, which isn’t a long time considering, but I hate being tied to a bed, it goes against my need to constantly be busy which I do to push my thoughts away. I walk over to the closet and realize I have nothing to wear. I hope Anna will bring me something since she probably already left the house. I take a seat in the chair by the window. The sun is setting past the large buildings, I enjoy the calm of the pink evening sky.
There’s a light knock on the door. “Alexis.” Dr. Newman is standing in the entrance. “Can I come in?”
“Yes, please,” I turn my chair around to look at him.
“Hmm, you’re out of bed and you’re talking. That’s a great stride since I saw you two days ago. Did something happen since we last spoke?" he asked drawing his light brows together.
“A lot doctor.” I explained how Luc dropped by unexpectedly and that Dylan walked in and basically beat him. I explain how guilty I felt over Dylan’s arrest and assault charges. I also explain the eeriness of Luc’s return visit and how both Dylan and I suspect he is denying the attack.
“Are you leaving because Luc made it past security? Because we can fix that problem,” he tilts his head to the side trying to gage my thoughts or something else that psychiatrists do.
“That’s a part of it, I felt safe here at first because I knew he couldn’t get in, but now I know that he will have the resources to track me anywhere, his family is that powerful and evil,” I drift off. Dr. Newman’s light eyes go round. “I didn’t know the truth about his family until it was too late, but I married the mob.” I try to stifle my laugh, it isn’t funny, but I don’t want to cry anymore, in the past few weeks I’ve shed enough tears to last me a lifetime.
“So he hid his family background from you?” Dr. Newman asked, then he pointed to the seat by my bed. “Do you mind?”
“Of course go ahead.”
“Yeah he told me he was in Canada because his family sent him here to open a North American branch for their technology company, I had no idea he was running gambling sites and laundering money.”
“Hmm, it says in your file that you are a law student. Do you think you would make a competent lawyer one day?” he raised a brow. Where is he going with this?
I pause. “I’m in the last year of my law degree, I think I would have made a good lawyer, it’s in my blood.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“My father is a successful lawyer but I haven’t seen him since I was twelve. I’m assuming I got my strong analytic and problem solving skills from him.”
“That’s an interesting point Alexis, because it is my impression, and tell me if I am way of base on this, but I think your selective mutism had to do with the fact that you felt shame over what Luc did to you, that somehow you should have known better or done more. Am I on track here?”
I don’t like this psychoanalysis business too much. I can admit that he’s right. I nod my head.
“Okay then, you said it yourself, you’re a bright woman, a law student, you’ve been trained to pick up on things, to investigate, to analyze your surroundings and yet you weren’t tipped off that something was off with Luc. That tells me that none of this was your fault. Luc sounds like he was a groomed professional and knew how to hide his identity. The file shows that CSIS had been following his family for years and only recently made an arrest. We are talking about the largest secret service agency in Canada. Do you get where I’m going with this?” he asked pressing his pen into his lips.
“I do.”
“Good. Well I think we’ve dived in enough for today, I’m glad to see that you are speaking even though you may have been forced into it, the outcome is positive nonetheless. I understand that you’ve signed yourself out. How do you feel about meeting on a weekly basis, maybe even twice a week? I think there are a lot of things we can confront together,” he suggests kindly. He seems like a smart man and his analysis of me seems to be on point.
“I think I would like that,” I replied softly.
“Good. The nurse will provide you with a list of appointments when you leave. Do you have someone coming to pick you up?”
“Yeah, my friend Anna is on her way.”
“Well good luck Alexis, see you soon.” He tapped the bed and walked out the door. Wow, that was not what I expected a therapy session to be like. He was very good at gaging my thoughts, it was weird. His perspective was welcoming and I kind of like that he is young, maybe he understands me better because of it. There’s a knock on the door and Anna peeks her head into the room
.
“Come in.” I waved to her. I may have gotten my voice back, but I still don’t feel like myself, my body is tired and I would rather stay quiet, talking is too much of an effort.
“Let’s blow this place up, Bandita,” Anna smirked.
“Sounds good to me. I’ve been here too long,” I say, wincing the moment I move to get up from the bed. Leaving is going to me more challenging than I thought.
“Shit! Let me help you Lex, I brought you something to wear.”
“Thanks.” I sighed with relief. “What would I do without you?”
She passed me a plastic bag with a pair of grey jogging pants and a purple sweat shirt. It’s loose so it won’t push on my raw stomach. I dressed slowly while Anna waited patiently looking at me through saddened eyes. When I was ready to stand Anna was beside me providing support and we inched our way over to the nurse’s station.
“I’d like to sign myself out,” I said to the redheaded nurse sitting behind the counter.
“Sure doll, Dr. Newman prepared all the paperwork for you,” she replied knowing who I was. She passed me a clip board with some papers. Then she pointed for me to sign by the x’s. I signed my freedom back. Relief washed over me that my mother would not be required to make decisions for me or want to take me back to her place. I don’t believe she wanted me back there anyway, it would have infringed on her space.
“Good luck hon,” Marlene chimed as she walked by and enveloped me in a soft bear hug. “This is your appointment schedule with Dr. Newman you need forty-eight hours to cancel but please stay on top of it hon, therapy is good for the soul,” she drawled.
“Bye Marlene, thanks for everything, and I will come back for therapy, I promise,” I said, slightly leaning forward to hug her back.
Anna walked beside me supporting me as we slowly made our way to the elevator. As the elevator door opened my stomach sunk as I realized I never told Dylan I was leaving and I didn’t have a cell phone to text him. Through all my shame and embarrassment he’s been supportive. It’s me that withdrawing, maybe it’s the guilt holding me back, the endless hook-ups, not telling him about the baby, secrets, there are always secrets between us. Why? I know that if I would have been upfront, things may have been different now and I would still be pregnant. It’s a harsh realization to swallow, but I’m not blinded from the truth.
Twisted Love Page 6