by Beth Shriver
Her bottom lip trembled as he laid the object in the palm of her hand. “Danke, Manny.”
He nodded but didn’t ask what it was, having the good sense to know it was something special.
“My daed gave it to me. It’s a little bookmark he made out of a horseshoe.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “He knew how much I like to read and let me hide away once my chores were done.”
“Sounds like a gut man.”
“Jah, he is.” She took quick steps, not wanting to see his face as she responded. “You remind me of him.” And for the first time Lucy admitted to herself that she was helplessly falling in love with this man.
For a second time within the last month Lucy stood waiting for an unfamiliar buggy to stop in front of Mammi’s home.
Jeremiah hopped out and greeted her. “Mornin’.” He tipped his hat in a gentlemanly way and proceeded over to the other side of the buggy. The door popped open, causing him to move back. The passenger’s dress covered a long leg that stuck out, and then another. Jeremiah tried to take a step forward, but a delicate hand waved him away.
“Sure you don’t want some help out?” Jeremiah kept his distance. Lucy knew who the visitor was. He had that look on his face folks always did, especially men, when she was around them. The independent touch of not accepting his chivalry confirmed it as she handed him his pay and then stepped out of the buggy. Her shapely figure made Lucy wonder if her own body would ever be the same again. She’d never been one to notice or care, but after being away from her sister for so long, she noticed more about her family back home.
“Fannie!” Lucy waddled as quickly as she could but stopped short when Fannie hopped down and stared at her.
She dropped her bag and held out a finger. “Don’t you dare rush over here!” Her jaw dropped. “I can’t believe how big you are!”
Lucy laughed out loud. She knew her sister meant it in an endearing way. It was surely a shock to see her so much larger than her usual thin frame. As they embraced, Lucy felt safe and content. Just being near her sister brought her back to the person she was, loved and cared for by a sister who truly knew everything about her—her favorite food and flower, and they both liked the same hymn, but differed on color. Lucy favored more subtle hues, while Fannie liked vibrant colors.
“It’s so good to see you!” Fannie pulled back and frowned. “But you look exhausted.” She brushed away a wayward lock of Lucy’s hair and looked into her eyes. “Should I be sorry about Sam?”
Lucy flinched. It wasn’t a question to be asked, but she would respond properly. “Fannie!”
“I won’t apologize. He was an awful man.” She tucked her arm around Lucy’s and tugged her along slowly. “I’ll never forgive Mamm for getting you two together.”
“I’d tell you not to talk that way, but I know it won’t do any good.” Lucy had heard so many comments about him that she really didn’t know what to say anymore. Most said what was expected, with the exception of those who were more truthful, but none were as blunt as Fannie. “How was the ride?”
“No small talk. How many days do you have?” She nodded to Lucy’s bulging middle. Fannie was all business—one thing Lucy loved about her sister, as it wasn’t a quality she had, and she needed it at a time like this. Not only would Fannie help her get prepared, but she would also make sure everyone around her would be helpful or not be involved. She was even more forward than their mamm, but in a positive, non-condescending way. Lucy was curious whether Fannie would notice the difference in Mamm’s behavior. She wondered whether it was just a passing thing, and their mamm would soon be her old self again.
“I have a little over a month left.”
Fannie groaned. “You need to be more specific. When was the doctor here last?”
“There is no doctor.”
Fannie paused. “All right, the midwife, then.”
“The closest midwife lives in a different community.”
“So let’s get her over here to see you.” She rested her fists on her hips, and Lucy knew she was getting frustrated. Mamm wasn’t one to ask for help, even if it was birthing a baby. She was very confident she could do anything a midwife could do. Lucy tended to agree.
“She lives pretty far away, a good day’s buggy drive. Mamm said we’d wait until closer to the day to fetch her if needed.”
“What’s the point in that if she’s that far?” Fannie shook her head. There would definitely be some tension while both of them were there. But Mamm would be leaving soon, so Lucy told herself to take it in stride. She was so close to having this baby born, there was nothing that could keep that from happening, not even her strong-willed mother and sister.
Fannie brushed her hand over her kapp, rearranged it, and adjusted the pins—a gesture that told Lucy she was frustrated. She would do her best to keep the peace, but no one listened to her anyway, so it probably wouldn’t do much good. Regardless, Lucy couldn’t be happier to have her sister by her side again.
“Well, I see what my first project is.” They started walking again. “To find you a doctor.”
“We’ll be lucky if Mamm agrees to a midwife, let alone a doctor.” To be honest, Lucy wasn’t comfortable with a doctor, but she would hate for a ride to keep her from getting help if she needed it during delivery. Although some of the Amish were starting to use doctor’s methods, most of their community hadn’t, unless it was absolutely necessary due to a serious matter.
Fannie squinted at her sideways. “Mamm’s concerns should be on Daed. That’s why I’m here—so she can go take care of things at home, and I will take care of you two.” She smiled and put a hand on Lucy’s belly. “I’m so excited for you. But I have to admit that I am torn when I see my sisters with their babies.” She looked down at the road, unusually silent for a moment. “I love being an auntie. I’ll especially enjoy it with your little one.”
Fannie was much prettier than Lucy but was humble about her looks, as most Amish women would be. But she did have the potential to be downright beautiful. Lucy only dreamed young men might glance at her the way their eyes lingered on Fannie. But Fannie didn’t give them any attention—except the one who broke her heart, creating her reluctance to let a man court her. “You’ll come home once the baby is born, won’t you?”
“I asked Mammi, and she said she’d stay, along with the girls. She has a good life here. I’ve grown so fond of them, I don’t know if I could leave now.”
“I can’t imagine they’d be more like family than your own,” Fannie said, a hint of resentment in her voice. Lucy expected she’d feel much the same if she hadn’t experienced the threesome in action.
“And Nellie and Rosy are like second aunts to me. You just have to meet them, and then you’ll lose that stubborn face.” Fannie, she was sure, would fit right in.
Fannie stopped in front of Mammi’s haus, her eyes gliding over the place Lucy called home. “What you must have gone through when that silo blew.” Fannie stared at the ground and then looked straight up as if picturing it in her mind. “When I first heard, I started hating Sam ever more—”
“How can you blame him?”
But Lucy herself had done so, over and over again. If anything had happened to the baby, she didn’t know what she’d have done. There was no way, at least not in her thinking, that she could ever have forgiven him for leaving her and tending to his precious farm. Maybe
it wasn’t rational, but it had run through her mind many times.
Lucy had prayed thanksgiving for the child growing inside her more than ever after that fire. And Sam was no longer there for her to fear. She’d felt the tension melt away soon after the funeral. More shame always loomed for her to take on, but because of the baby she could keep the guilt away.
Fannie was watching her as she gathered her thoughts. “The same way you blame him. Don’t deny it. But I don’t expect you to say it out loud, either.” At times Lucy felt her sister could read her mind and that she could do the same in return. Although they were very different, they seemed to complete a whole.
“Why are you so bitter? It happened to me, not you.” Lucy knew the answer but had to ask in hopes Fannie would stop taking about this. She didn’t have the strength to be angry or sad anymore.
Fannie let out a breath. “I guess it’s the way I deal with the whole thing. From the day you first met him until right at this moment, I still can’t forgive myself for not stepping in before you ever said, ‘I do.’”
Those weren’t the words Lucy had expected to hear. Being taken under her sister’s wing had always been a good and positive thing, but at the moment Lucy felt for the first time that maybe this time it wasn’t. As she looked back, she realized she had grown inwardly. She’d had to in order to survive. Although she avoided his hurtful tongue and threats of physical harm, she had built a shield to protect herself and, even more, her baby. “You don’t need to be my protector anymore, big sister.” She smiled to show her she meant it, and Fannie gave her one slow nod.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to give that up just yet,” she said, rocking back and forth.
“Someone’s coming this way.” Lucy held a hand up and let her face drop. She wasn’t ready to tell her sister about Manny. She was trying her best to hold back any feelings she had for him. It wouldn’t be acceptable, even if things were different. She had months yet to wait before even considering marrying again, and that would happen only if the bishop granted her the request. She was relieved when she realized it wasn’t Manny.
“Mammi!” Fannie walked quickly to the approaching buggy. The buggy stopped, and Fannie gave her mammi an embrace then turned to hug Mamm. It would feel like a small family reunion—one she wished her daed could be a part of.
Lucy waited for them to come closer. She felt like a heifer, waddling around. The talk she’d had with Fannie worried her a little. She’d made Tennessee sound more important than necessary. Her baby would be just fine in Mammi’s home, getting all the love and attention she needed.
Mamm gestured to Lucy. “Come around.”
It was almost as much work to get up and into the buggy as it was to walk, but she was tired from standing, so she accepted the short ride to the haus. “Where have you two been? I thought sure you’d be here when Fannie got here.”
Mamm clasped Lucy’s hand. “I’m sure you’re glad to have your sister here.” Mamm understood in a way, but the bond between Lucy and Fannie wasn’t something their mamm had the pleasure to experience. Her bullheaded pride made a close relationship difficult. It seemed only their daed could fill that void.
“Jah, it’s been much too long.”
Mammi kept her eyes on the road, not making eye contact with anyone. “I was just telling Fannie, I found an old quilt I’ve been meaning to mend while she’s here. Your mamm will be leaving soon, so let’s work on it while all of us are together.”
Working on these quilts often made Lucy think about her babe. She found herself making plans in her head, especially about the name. As much as she wanted a girl, she thought it would be nice to have a namesake for her daed. It was all in Gott’s hands.
“Where did this mysterious quilt come from?”
“It’s one I made for your dawdi.” Mammi kept her eyes forward, leaving a heavy silence in the air.
Lucy glanced over at Fannie, who was unusually quiet. There was something in Mammi’s tone that seemed serious or maybe it was emotional. One made sense to her, but the other didn’t.
“You all right, Mammi?” Fannie lifted her eyes to hers and waited. It took Mammi a moment, but she finally spoke.
“I hadn’t thought about this quilt for ages . . . not until the baby . . . and now that Fannie’s here along with your mamm, I think Gott was giving us something that will tie us together for the short time we all have.” Mammi’s cheeks were pink, and her voice wasn’t as loud. Whatever this quilt was, it meant a lot to her.
Once in the haus and Fannie had settled in, they pulled the quilting frame away from the wall and began the process to repair and revive the old quilt. They carefully looked it over for holes, frayed threads, rough edges, and moth damage. Then they repaired loose seams by turning them over, using a fine thread for better strength before adding pieces to the top of the quilt where it was most worn. When they had worked for an hour or so, it was time to prepare dinner.
“Verna, Fannie, you two go on. Rosy and Nellie will be here soon to help.” Mammi kept working on the quilt, not looking away for a moment.
When Lucy also started to stand, Mammi held up a hand. “I’ve been meaning to tell you about your dawdi.”
Lucy sat back down. She didn’t know her dawdi. He had passed away before she was born, and Mammi didn’t talk about him much. “What is it, Mammi?”
“I see the conflict in your eyes, worried about raising the baby without a husband. But I have to tell you, Luce. Gott knows what’s best; I know that much is true. But it took something tragic to happen for me to understand that.” She lifted a piece of thread and snipped it off with her teeth.
“I do worry. But I am relieved that Sam won’t be raising my child.” She looked up when Mammi did. She wanted to see her unguarded reaction to those words. She knew better than to feel bad about it. It was for the best, for everyone involved.
“Your dawdi was a weak man, the opposite of what you had with Sam, but just as difficult.”
Lucy couldn’t picture her mammi with a weak man, but then maybe it was what kept them together, opposites complementing each other. “I can’t imagine that.”
“He meant well, worked hard, but when the woman has a stronger personality, that makes things hard for a wife, especially an Amish one. He died young, and sometimes I feel the blame for that.” She grunted. “Not that I did anything unkind; I just didn’t have much respect for the man . . . Now that I think about it, he probably didn’t have much respect for me.”
Lucy laid her hands on the small area in her lap. “I’m the weak one?” She whispered. She might as well admit it. She understood what her mammi was referring to. It did surprise Lucy that she would marry someone so unlike her daed.
“Nee! You have a strong spirit. I just want you to know that, and no matter what anyone says, you do what your heart tells you to do. Your dawdi and I had a decent life together. But I want you to have more. You can give your babe a good life without a husband, but Gott may have a different plan.” She patted Lucy’s cheek and pointed with the needle. “Do you see that block right there?” It was a square with no name or symbol like most of the others had.
Lucy nodded.
“That’s the square I have under your family tree.” Lucy turned her head to see the quilt from Mammi’s point of view. There were four blue squares and one pink.
“What does it mean?”
“I know you said you
want a girl, but from what I created all those years ago, I have always thought you’d have boys, lots of boys.”
Mammi’s words caused Lucy’s heart to leap. At that moment she realized that because of Sam, she had buried her desire to have a happy home filled with a large family. Talking with Mammi had caused her to hope again. She wondered if her dream could ever come true. Immediately, one image came to her mind: Manny.
Manny stood in the mudroom stock still. He’d come to see Lucy but was now watching an argument between her mamm and another woman who must be Lucy’s sister. The younger woman looked too similar for him not to assume this was a family relation. The two arguing were both attractive and obviously strong-headed. They both continued to feed off each other’s comments, with no hope of reconciliation. Manny thought it best to get Lucy’s attention and slip outside.
Lucy sat at the table, oblivious to Manny watching her. The only time either her sister or Verna looked her way was if they wanted her to validate what they were saying. Lucy would shake her head or shrug with hands lifted. Her wide eyes and hunched posture made it seem like she was trying to disappear. He decided to step in and get her out of the uncomfortable situation.
“Morning, ladies.” He took a step closer to test the waters. “How are we today?”
Lucy whipped her head around to look at him. Her shoulders softened, and she gave him a tired smile.
Fannie rubbed the back of her neck, and Verna cleared her throat. “Manny, would you like some breakfast?” Verna didn’t miss a beat as she walked to the kitchen as if nothing had happened. “I was about to make some pancakes.” She turned around to look at him. “I can add blueberries, if you like.”