Beyond Lies

by Alka Dimri Saklani

  “Mom, I want all the bouquets out. Right now.” My voice trembled like the rest of my body and I picked up two more bouquets from the bunch neatly lined along the wall of the living room and my whimpering didn’t stop.

  Avinash held my shoulder. “Stop it, Tia, you are going to be ok, nobody can harm you. Do you understand that? We will find that bastard and put him behind the bars.” His eyes were red and his hand firm on my shoulder. I liked his confidence, because at that moment I had none. I realised I was crying when he hugged me, and soon two more pairs of arms gathered around me; mom and dad. Their combined protective embrace calmed me down, reminded me I wasn’t alone in this, they shielded me from the danger lurking outside, but somewhere failed to protect me from the fear settled in my bones. I tried to nullify that fear by my strong arguments; I had such a strong support system, my dad was an influential man, he had contacts, my mother’s prayers were strong and my brother wasn’t a little boy anymore…what the hell could that stalker do? I tried to calm down but somewhere in a different corner of my mind another voice, stronger and darker, whispered in my mind.

  He is going to get you Tia…

  37. The Dark R

  oom

  …Now

  Tia is dressed like a fairy this time and she is happy that it fully covers her, though the material is itchy. It’s rough against the endless slashes on her skin. But it’s a blessing feeling this covered up.

  The shape of the ring is imprinted in Tia’s mind. She plays with it like a baby plays with a new toy, she hits it on the floor and listens to the different voices it makes with different strokes. She claps with her chained hands, even laughs. The voice strangely fills her with comfort, sounding like music to her ears, something different from the lustful rhymes and the dragging tick tock that just reminds her that the time has gone stagnant on her. Something different from the dead silences that has penetrated her soul. She links that music with hope, though she doesn’t know why. She had stopped reasoning long back. She just wants to preserve her sanity for as long as she can, but somewhere in a distant corner of her mind she knows drawing hope in this stupid music is a step closer to insanity. She traces the figure of the ring, studies it, and as soon as she hears three ticks, she pushes it beneath the mattress.

  She is fed the meagre meal and then the humiliation begins.

  This time the little poems runs in endless loops…

  "You gave me moments I wanted eternity

  You gave me drops I wanted the ocean

  Don’t lie that I am the captor.

  You are the one who chained me.

  You hijacked, my dreams, my desires

  But I never complained -

  And now you will set me free."

  In the daze, her mind automatically blocks the voices. The hope she had gathered from the stupid ring begins to wither. Her mind stops hoping, starts hating life. But she hasn’t stopped praying yet, she hasn’t’ stopped missing her mother yet, she hasn’t yet stopped missing Dad, Avinash, Kiara and Samar. The little girls.

  And sunshine.

  38. Tia

  Then…

  My room was a mess. Somewhere in middle of the night I threw away the bedsheets because I had kept the bouquets on the bed for a while and his aura had polluted the sheets. I slept at about 3.00 a.m. and then I wanted to get out of the room as soon as possible. His aura was lingering in the air. Hurriedly I got ready and went downstairs.

  “Mom, I am leaving.” I shouted to mom pulling out my shoes from the rack. She came rushing from the kitchen.

  “So early?” She raised her eyebrow, her dough covered hands lingering in the air.

  “It’s time mom. I am late.”

  “It’s just…”

  “I have to prepare for a meeting.” I tied my laces

  “What about breakfast and your tiffin?”

  “I’m not hungry and for lunch I will order something from outside.” I was aware that she noticed I spoke fast and loudly, so I hurried towards the door.

  “Look at me.” She stopped me at the door by holding my hand with her dough covered own.

  Despite my swollen eyes and the breathing I couldn’t quite control, I tried to fool mom, but the smile I tried to force escalated into a nervous laugh.

  “Take a leave today.”

  “Why? Do you think I am safe here? I was gone for one hour and you didn’t even notice?”

  I couldn’t remember ever shouting at mom and there was just one way to avoid saying anything I would later regret. Walk out. My mind was messed up, so I stormed out, not bothering to see her reaction.

  “Tia, listen to me please. Please Tia.” She followed me out.

  Ritesh was cleaning my car.

  “Why are you late today?” I shouted at him, instantly realising he wasn’t late, I was leaving early.

  “Sorry,” he said meekly and stepped aside, which just made it worse. I stomped over and got into the car and drove away, mom’s reflection in the rear-view mirror filled me with guilt as she stood terrified at the gate. I messaged Devansh that I wouldn’t be joining him and switched off my phone because mom was calling me, and I wasn’t in the right mind to talk.

  Tears blurred my vision so I parked the car on the side and tried to calm down, but I couldn’t, a morbid fear of being watched swallowed me. I looked into the back-mirror side mirror, I looked everywhere, no one followed me. I tried to relax, I was safe, at least in that moment I was safe. But what about next, what had it come down to? The thought pushed the tears harder and faster.

  Though I started early from home, I was late when I reached office. Despite being scared, I didn’t go with Devansh, because I wasn’t able to stop my whimpering the whole way.

  Hell, that meeting with Taneja’s had to happen that day of all days. Amid all this emotional turmoil I couldn’t stand Samar. I couldn’t stand his confusing behaviour, caring one moment and indifferent the very next. He had asked to get ready with the reports in 10 minutes.

  I walked to the washroom and splashed some water on my face, the swelling in my eyes had reduced, but even if I tried to keep my face straight it showed, the anguish and the pain and the fear was just written all over it.

  Feign confidence.

  Kiara’s words echoed in my mind and I walked out, keeping my head straight, trying to pretend I was fine, but I didn’t know how good an actor I was.

  Horrible. I was a horrible actor. I knew the moment Samar stared at me with concern, but before he could say anything, I walked out of the office without waiting for him. I went down the stairs and avoided the lift. No, I avoided Samar, because today I couldn’t deal with anymore tension than I was already dealing with.

  He was seated in his car by the time I reached the car park and I almost jumped into the seat.

  “All ok?” he asked me.

  I looked outside the window and nodded, because if I tried to speak, I would cry, because as much as I hated it, his concern for me comforted me, though that very fact discomforted me.

  The car picked up speed and soon entered the broad highway covered with lush trees on both sides.

  “Where is your phone?” Samar’s question took me off guard, but before I could reply he added, “your mother called at the office and asked if you’d arrived. I told her you had.”

  I instantly realised my stupidity. I left outraged and, of course, mom must be panicky, like me she was also scared for my safety. I should have informed her the moment I arrived to work. I switched on my phone to message her that I overreacted, and I was feeling better now. And I was safe.

  While I was typing the message, the phone rang from an unknown number, and by mistake it was taken.

  “Love, missing me?” The low menacing whisper hit me like a speeding train and totally knocked me out.

  Feign…Feign confidence

  “I…I…am not..not.. scared of you.” Shit. I shouldn’t’ have tried faking it.

  “You are not supposed to fear me my little doll. You are suppose
d to love me.” His whisper was low and shallow, but clear.

  The car stopped with a screeching brake, for a few seconds I had forgotten I was with Samar.

  He snatched the phone from my hand and his stony voice made the hairs on my neck raise. “You bastard, you try to touch Tia and I will cut your throat. Do you understand that?” His face fumed with anger; deadness lingered in his eyes and he didn’t look like the Samar I knew. He was a different man, capable of feeling, at least anger and hatred; so strong that it bordered on insanity.

  My emotions were already brimming to the top. I couldn’t take in Samar’s caring for me, the fear had taken on a life of its own, it was controlling me and pushing everything I could feel in the moment to the background.

  “Tia…Tia…control yourself.” Samar’s strong arm came around me, but my trembling didn’t stop. He gave me water and rubbed my back until my breathing returned to normal.

  “Tia.” His voice was so tender that the tears that had only just stopped started flowing again, and when I looked at him, his emotions were naked, there was no covering of any mask, his eyes were red, moist and worried.

  He was worried for me.

  He was scared for me.

  He was sad for me.

  That look broke the last bit of restraint and before I knew it I was leaning on his broad chest. His aftershave filled my senses and his big hands covered me in a protective embrace, this sudden closeness replaced my fear with something delicate, a fluttering in the pit of my stomach.

  “Don’t worry, I am there for you.” He squeezed me tight and kissed my hair. We both froze. His grip loosened around me and embarrassed, I pulled myself back on my seat, heat crawling up my neck.

  He didn’t start the engine. Like me, he was probably also recovering from the emotional upheaval and the crazy tickle running through the length and breadth of my body.

  I gathered my deshelled hair behind my ears. “How long?” I stared at him.

  He stared back with confusion amid all the other feelings.

  “You said you are there for me. I am asking for how long?”

  “Tia...” He looked everywhere except me and I expected him to say something more, but finally he decided against it and ignited the car engine.

  I wasn’t sure where I gathered the courage to stop him by holding his hand. Maybe the tentative kiss and the intensity of his eyes when he looked at me was my confidence, and though the touch was innocent, it sucked the air form my lungs.

  “I asked you something.”

  He pulled his hand away from my grip and that was my breaking point. I picked up my phone from my lap and brought it to his eye level. “At least he has the guts to admit his love?”

  His hands froze on the key and the car didn’t start. He glared at me. “You call it love?” He pointed a trembling finger at my phone and shouted. “You call it love?”

  Of course, no, but his ragged breath and his tensed face gave him away, it wasn’t only me who was lost here. In a strange twisted way, it satisfied me.

  “Don’t you dare to talk to me like that. And at least he is not a coward like you. He has the guts to admit his feelings.” I shouted back.

  “I am not a coward.” He said through gritted teeth and clenched jaw, stormed out of the car and banged the door shut.

  I followed him outside and shouted, “For god’s sake! Stop showing that you care, or that I mean something to you. You have no idea how much it hurts. Don’t pretend I mean something to you when I don’t mean anything.”

  “You don’t know what you mean to me.” His tone was tight, and he folded his hands in a futile effort to his pull up his guards, but his body failed miserably to co-operate, all the restrains in his eyes had melted away and the longing in his eyes pulled me to him. I stepped towards him with a hope so strong yet so fragile that it ripped me apart.

  “What do I mean to you, Samar?”

  A minute passed and then one more, and he didn’t utter a word. Breathing hard, he stared at someplace behind me, not even in my eyes. I couldn’t stand his silence anymore, and before I shamelessly threw myself on him, I walked away.

  “Wait, Tia, wait. Where are you going? Get inside.” He shouted and held my arm.

  “Don’t you dare.” I turned around to face him, jerked his hand away, and walked backwards facing him. “I am resigning right now. To hell with you and your meeting.”

  “Tia, listen.” He pulled me to him when a speeding car almost hit me. The driver drove away shouting obscenities at us.

  His solid grip on my arms made it impossible for the fire burning inside me to blow out. I just wanted to walk away, I didn’t care that this road was deserted, and I didn’t care how I would get home, I just wanted to get away from that hypocritical man, from the irresistible pull that would just ruin me. I started slapping at his chest. “Just leave me. Get lost. Just get lost.”

  “Tia!” he screamed, and I got still. My gaze rested on the massive hand on my arms, his giant personality blocked the sun and for the first time I noticed the slight tremor in his grip, the erratic breathing that gave away his struggle.

  “Leave me Sam…”

  My words melted on his warm lips when they unexpectedly crashed down on mine. My mind went blank for a second and when it came back to its senses, a desire so intense shot through me that my body fell limp in his arms, and before I knew it, my arms curled around him and I was kissing him back. The taste of his lips couldn’t compare to any damn thing in this world. His grip got tighter around the back of my neck as if he feared losing me as much as I feared losing him. The kiss was everything, innocent and sinful, affectionate and sexual, calming and arousing, all at the same time.

  A car swept by us and the hooting that followed finally forced us apart. I didn’t look at him but from the corner of my eye I could see he was also avoiding my gaze.

  “That shouldn’t have happened.” He said finally and broke my heart. “I shouldn’t want you the way I do…look I don’t want you to…” his voice choked in his throat when my eyes met his. What hit him? The accusation or the pain?

  “Tia, look… the thing is I…I…it’s tough for me. You have to believe me.” His hands were in air as if in surrender.

  “What’s tough for you? Trusting me?”

  “No!” He shouted. “You trusting me. I have a past and…and… I…I can’t…I don’t…know how to move ahead.”

  “Just hold my hand.” I offered my hand and waited a while to swallow the lump in my throat. “And tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “I can’t. It isn’t that easy. I can’t give you my past.”

  I always knew he carried baggage, and not knowing his past was like not knowing a part of him. But asking about his past meant losing all of him, and I was not prepared for it.

  “I will never ask you about your past if that helps.” I said unsure of my own words. The urge to learn about his past soared inside me like never before. What could be so dreadful? But didn’t he trust me without reason, even when all the proof said I was a fraud?

  “But I do mean something to you. Right?” I was suddenly scared of losing my heart to someone who only lusted for me, and I contemplated taking my hand back, but Samar held it before that.

  “Don’t ever doubt that.” He said with a fierce longing in his eyes and pulled me in for a hug.

  “You mean everything to me. Everything.”

  39. Samar

  The darks clouds consumed the last bit of light from the twilight.

  She was at an arm’s length…the girl who asked for help when her car broke down…but now she looked different…

  She was not the Simran I had fallen in love with. She had the same long wavy hair, the same baby soft skin, the same sun kissed complexion…but…her eyes were different…still brown…but something had shifted…maybe the mask…

  And without the mask I couldn’t withstand her. I walked towards her and she walked backwards. A primal fear had replaced the love in her eyes, she had
tipped me off, it was her fault.

  I blinked but with that blink Simran was gone…

  Instead it was Tia.

  Her face was white like ice, she was terrified of me…

  Tia...Tia…Tia… My room echoed with her name and the realisation that it was a nightmare didn’t help much. An uncanny feeling that it wasn’t a dream, it was a foreboding crawled over me.

  Sweating all over, I reached for the glass of water, but instead of drinking it, I poured it over my face. The vain effort didn’t calm me.

  No…this time I wasn’t going to lose it. There was a hell lot of difference between Tia and Simran.

  Except their hairs…long…wavy…curling into rings at the bottom….

  I pushed away the thought…

  I promised myself to protect Tia, from others, from myself…from my past.

  I was capable of loving.

  Tia’s kiss awakened the parts of me that were long dead. Her touch still coursed through my body and made me crave for more; more of her mind, body and soul.

  I wouldn’t allow anything to come between us.

  Not even past.

  Not even memories.

  Not even Simran…or maybe the thoughts of her…

  And there was only way to break free from the clutches of the past.

  Tell the truth to Tia…

  Even before I promised myself to do that, I knew I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

  One truth would change everything.

  40. Stalker

  I waited for the police, but they didn’t come. I was sure I was seen, but if I was seen capturing your photo by your well-wisher, why I wasn’t reported? Why didn’t you hint it?