‘What about that guy you were seeing when we met? The medical student.’ Elle said, twirling her finger at the side of her head in the hope she would remember more details.
‘Ash. He was OK, but he worked long hours, so he was always too tired for sex.’
‘Fucking hell. So they were all nice or OK. Perfect model citizens and all that, but they either didn’t want or weren’t fussed on sex.’ Abi was getting to the nub. ‘I know you find endings hard, so you tend to put up with things because they’re mutually convenient, but honestly, you need to end it with Steve and only start another relationship where you are so horny for each other your underwear bursts into flames.’
Danny entered my head again. I looked over at Elle. ‘Did you feel that way when you first met Ben, or has it developed over time?’
‘I don’t have a huge amount of experience with this, Kate,’ Elle smiled. ‘Sex with Luke was good.’ Abi grimaced dramatically. Elle’s first boyfriend was not Abi’s favourite person. ‘But with Ben, sex is so much more because I’m in love with him. It’s deeper. I feel completely connected.’
‘I agree. Sex is so much better when you’re in love, but when you’re in lust and you have a need just to get an orgasm ripping through your muscles, it can still be fucking amazing, just in a different way,’ Abi shrugged.
‘How will I know whether it’s love or lust?’ Danny entered my head again; he was never very far away.
Elle smiled. ‘You’ll know. Let’s have this conversation again when you find him; then it will all make sense.’
Chapter Eight
‘Excited?’ Ruth asked me as she pushed a folder across her desk.
‘Yes. I can’t believe it. But it’s also alarming. I need to get organised. I need to plan. I don’t want to let you down; or Oli, for that matter. That would be awful. Oh God, do you think I have it in me to do this?’ The chair I was sitting on felt like it was spinning of its own accord as I wrestled with self-doubt and excitement. Always a delicate balance.
‘Kate, I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t think you could do it.’ Ruth had suggested I take on a regular client who was open to allowing me to have a few mentoring sessions to increase my experience. ‘Calm down. Settle your thoughts. You’re talking ten to the dozen,’ she smiled. ‘He’s happy to get started today.’
‘Today!’ Lord, help me.
‘Yes, come on. You know you can do this. I have every confidence. I’ll give you his file and an hour to prepare. How does that sound?’
Oli was a lovely guy and was a regular at the art therapy classes. I didn’t have time to read his entire case file, but I picked up pretty quickly that he struggled with depression, had done for most of his life.
After getting myself a cup of tea, I spotted Oli reading a paper at a table in the corner of the room. ‘Hey, Oli, are you ready?’
‘I’m ready,’ he smiled.
‘How do you feel about our meeting?’
‘Fine,’ he said, stopping me before I started my well-rehearsed speech, highlighting why he should give me a try. ‘I appreciate it.’
‘Really?’ I couldn’t believe it. I was still trying to process that he wanted to go ahead with a session as I shut the door behind us and sat down in one of the counselling rooms.
‘I guess I should give you some of my history and then I can explain why this week has been so hard for me,’ he said, sitting back in the chair.
‘Whatever you’re comfortable with. I know it’s difficult talking to someone new.’
‘It’s hard to know where to start. Erm…well, I’ve just got in touch with my birth mother. I’m adopted.’ I took a quick breath. ‘I’ve tried for years to make some form of contact but she’s always said no, said it would be too difficult. I’m not sure what made her change her mind, but I’m glad she did. I think,’ he laughed lightly.
‘You don’t sound very sure. Has it been a difficult reunion?’
‘It was fine when we first met but this last week has been hard,’ he replied. ‘We were going to have lunch but she cancelled. Said she felt ill and wouldn’t be able to get out of the house. I offered to go and see her at home but she turned me down.’ Oli sat forward and rubbed his fingers across his forehead.
Oli looked to be in his early forties and always wore a troubled look. His battle with depression had seen him turn to alcohol to cope at the darkest times, but he had been sober for three months. ‘I’m sure she’s having second thoughts. It took her years to agree to see me.’
‘Well, have you considered that maybe she really was ill? I know that when I’m ill, I don’t want to see anyone. All I want to do is spend the day under the duvet until I feel human again.’ He smiled. ‘Give her a few days and call her again. See what her reaction is before you start to worry.’
‘Ruth said that being adopted can have an impact on being able to make attachments. She’s right. I find relationships difficult. Always have. I expect too much. I try to please and expect the same. I can get possessive and clingy. I have this need to be liked.’
‘I understand,’ I said, nodding my head. ‘I get the need to be liked. I’m the same.’
‘Really?’
I hesitated as I thought about how to answer. I didn’t want to take over the session with my own experiences, but at the same time, I really felt it would help. I decided to take the risk. ‘I’m adopted too. I guess I wanted to share that with you and show that I understand the impact it can have on you as an adult. Sometimes it helps to know that the person you’re talking to is experienced both professionally and on a personal level.’
He nodded lightly and clasped his hands together. ‘Yes. Thanks for sharing. It’s nice to talk to someone who understands. You’ve been there. That’s quite comforting,’ he said.
‘I shouldn’t be telling you this. It’s not always considered professional to share. Tell me to stop if I say too much.’
‘No, please, don’t worry.’ He smiled and I watched as his shoulders visibly relax. ‘Are you in touch with your birth family?’
‘No. I have thought about tracing them. I would say more so as I get older.’
‘Because you’re so old,’ he laughed.
‘Well, I think as you go through different stages in life, your outlook changes. I had a good experience. My adoptive parents have given me everything I’ve ever needed and more. Part of me would be anxious about their reaction if I said I wanted to trace. I would hate to cause any upset,’ I replied.
‘I lost both my adoptive parents. It was a tough time. My dad died when I was thirteen, and Mum died when I was twenty-six. That’s when I decided to trace. I felt alone in the world. Suddenly I had no one. I wasn’t in a relationship, I had no siblings, but I knew there could be family out there somewhere in the world, maybe even a brother or sister. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. There was too much of a pull.’
‘I’m not sure how I’d feel if I were in your situation. Maybe it would push me into tracing my birth family. I don’t know. I haven’t grown up with siblings, so I can see why you’d want to find them.’ I hadn’t thought about what life would be like without people to share it with, whether it was with my parents, friends or a life partner.
‘Do you know your background story?’ Oli asked.
‘Bits and pieces. I have a life storybook, but it was written when I was a child, so it’s pretty basic. Doesn’t go into too much detail. My parents gave me my later life letter when I was fourteen and curious. They were supposed to give it to me on my eighteenth birthday, but we’ve always been pretty open about things.’
‘That’s good. It’s important. My parents never discussed it.’
‘I can’t imagine that. It’s not something that magically goes away. Why try to hide it?’ I said.
‘Different times I guess. Or different people.’ He pulled in his lips, and I knew there was so much more to his story.
‘My birth mum was young when she had me. She had a pretty chaotic lifestyle. All I know is
that she started taking drugs late into the pregnancy. I was born addicted to heroin and had to go through the withdrawal process. I was a very poorly baby for a while,’ I told him. But then I shook my head. ‘I shouldn’t be telling you this.’
‘Jesus, I can’t imagine what that must have been like.’
‘Luckily I don’t remember,’ I smiled. ‘I had some developmental delay and speech problems when I first started school, but there doesn’t appear to be any lasting damage.’ I knocked my head with my fist and Oli laughed. The doctors assumed my birth mother had only just started using heroin in the later stages of her pregnancy, which was why there wasn’t a lasting impact on my development,’ I replied.
‘Do you ever wonder what happened to her? Where she is now and if she’s turned her life around?’ he asked.
‘Sometimes. I guess I’ve been more afraid of finding her and discovering that she hasn’t,’ I replied honestly. ‘Knowing me, I’d end up caring for her, trying to get her help. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I struggle now worrying about some of my clients.’
‘You don’t have to do it alone. There are professional services out there. I’ve had great support. They even prepared me for the fact that my birth mum had issues with her mental health.’
I was more than aware of the support available, even more so since Abi started working in the adoption team a few months ago. It was one of the reasons I began to think about it more. I couldn’t imagine going through the counselling and tracing process with a complete stranger. I would feel so much more confident if it was Abi going through the journey with me. ‘I have a friend who works in adoption. I have considered talking to her about it. She’s offered but I’ve never taken her up on it. Maybe I need a bit more information so I can make a better decision, you know?’ I replied.
‘No harm in talking about it, Kate. It doesn’t mean you have to go through with anything,’ he smiled.
We spent a good portion of the session talking about my experience of adoption, which was beginning to make me feel guilty, or like I’d overstepped my role of professional to personal. After taking a breath, and to bring balance to the session, I shifted the focus back to Oli. ‘Do you know your story?’
He nodded. ‘Mum was in her teens when she got pregnant. She gave me up because she felt it was the best thing for me at the time. She wasn’t working; her parents were poor. They had no way of caring for me. When we met, I soon realised that depression ran through the family. She goes through hard times, but I understand that.’
‘Have you considered that maybe your mum is having a bad week with her depression? That could be why she cancelled on you,’ I suggested.
‘That makes sense,’ he replied.
‘I would let her have some space. Maybe wait a few days and try a phone call. If she’s having a hard time, a call may be easier for her than a face-to-face meeting. Plus it would show her you care.’
‘Yeah. I could wait a few more days. I’ve waited long enough, haven’t I?
I spent over an hour with Oli, and I couldn’t have asked for the session to have gone better. He seemed comfortable, the session felt natural, and my confidence was given a boost, particularly when he thanked me for my help at the end. We agreed to see each other again and booked an appointment for the following week.
After the session, I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation. I had such an excellent relationship with my adoptive parents that I hadn’t even considered what I would do if I ever lost them. Would a significant loss urge me to trace my birth family as it had for him?
Oli left me with a lot to think about.
Things I hadn’t thought about in years.
Chapter Nine
‘Hey, gorgeous. To what do I owe this pleasure?’ Abi reached over and gave me a one-armed hug. God, she looked amazing. Happy and content. Relaxed and glowing. That must be what love does to you. She sat down while eyeing the cakes on the counter in the café, one of our favourite places to meet after work.
‘I wanted to pick your very experienced brains,’ I smiled as I took a sip from my hot chocolate.
‘Is this a work thing? Big groans. I was hoping for some juicy gossip. I was hoping your clit might have seen a bit of action recently.’ I rolled my eyes and started picking at my nails.
‘Nope, still lying dormant.’
‘Jesus. What a tragedy.’
Danny flashed into my mind as the waitress placed Abi’s hot chocolate down. Nothing was lying dormant for him. He was stirring feelings in me I couldn’t name.
‘You sounded nervous on the phone. Do you need therapy after dumping Steve? Please tell me that’s it.’
‘No. But hold that thought.’
‘Finally!’ she shouted, throwing her hands up to the ceiling. ‘You know you could do so much better than him, and Jamie would be eternally grateful. He couldn’t face another tofu bolognese.’ I smiled as I remembered Jamie’s screwed up face when he tried the first mouthful. It was during a rare time when we invited my friends over for dinner. Steve insisted on the menu being veggie. I wrote a shopping list under his instruction. He was a classic micromanager. At the bottom of the list, underneath the meal prep instructions, I wrote in capital letters REMEMBER TO ENJOY YOURSELF, which pretty much summed up the night.
Abi broke my thoughts. ‘So, this isn’t a work thing. Not a sex thing. You’re not quite ready to talk about dumping Steve yet. That’s pretty much my whole repertoire, so what’s this about?’
‘I wanted to ask a few questions. I’ve been thinking for a while now, well, more so in the last few days, about finding out about how to access my social care files.’ Abi looked shocked, but I carried on without letting her interrupt me. ‘I wanted to sound things out with you. You know, go through the process before making any rash decisions.’
‘Wow,’ she said. ‘You’ve never talked about this before. I’ve known you four years and this has never come up. Fuck, does your mum know?’
‘Not yet. We’ve talked before, so I don’t think it will come as a surprise. I just wanted to find out what happens, you know, the first steps.’
‘Can I ask why now? That’s usually a good place to start.’ I thought for a few seconds. What had brought this on? Growing up? Getting older? Catching the gradual changes every time I looked at myself in the mirror? Or was it Danny and the responses he was causing in me that I hadn’t experienced before? The responses I wanted to grab onto instead of running away from.
‘I had a mentoring session with a guy at the centre. He planted a seed, which seems to be getting bigger.’
‘What did he say?’ Abi picked a marshmallow off the top of her drink.
‘His adoptive parents died, and all of a sudden, he felt alone. No siblings, no other family. No wife. What if that happens to me? What if I lost everyone?’
‘Kate, I don’t think you need to worry about that. You’re young—’
‘His adoptive dad died when he was a teenager and he lost his mum when he was twenty-six. I’m going to be twenty-six in March, Abi. It could be me. What the hell would I do?’
Abi glanced down before raising her eyes to meet mine. Abi was close to her mum. She had cared for her for most of her life, so I knew the thought of losing her would always be too much for Abi to consider. ‘You don’t have to make any decisions yet. The first step would be to apply to the local authority for birth records counselling. We wouldn’t go straight into trying to find them. You would need to know the details contained in your files, and we would need to prepare you properly for that, including if you decided to go ahead and trace.’ I nodded and took in air with a deep sigh. ‘Tell me, what’s your main concern?’
‘Honestly, Abi, I don’t know where to start.’ I shook my head and started to let the second thoughts chase away the potential for excitement. ‘You must hear this every day. I’m sorry, I can ring the adoption team instead.’
She took my hand. ‘Don’t be fucking stupid. I would love to do this for you. You’re one of my
best friends.’
‘If I decide to go ahead, I want you with me, Abi.’ She was stroking her thumb across the back of my hand, and that small touch that offered so much comfort confirmed that I couldn’t do this without her. ‘In your experience, why do people do this?’
She blew out a long breath. ‘That’s a big question. There are so many different reasons. For some, it can be something as simple as wanting to know the history of any health problems. I’ve also seen a lot of people where a big life event has made them want to know more. Getting married, having a baby, and, as you’ve already said, a significant loss.’ I nodded. ‘For others, they’re just desperate to connect to the people they feel are still part of them. Maybe their experience of adoption has been difficult and they just want to feel some attachment to someone.’
‘I’m not sure how far I want to go,’ I replied honestly.
‘Birth records counselling is the only safe way to start. I can support you through it. We would retrieve your files out of the archives, and I would put them together almost like a letter explaining your birth history. I don’t know how much is on your file or what it contains, but whatever we discover, I’ll be with you every step of the way.’ Abi hadn’t let go of my hand. Suddenly she moved her chair next to mine and sat down beside me. ‘You need to talk to your mum though.’
‘I will. I won’t do anything without her blessing. That’s so important to me.’
‘Good. I have a feeling she’ll want to do this with you,’ Abi smiled.
‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
Chapter Ten
‘Kate, thank God! Ali’s sprained her ankle and we’re in accident and emergency. It’s a nightmare here. People coughing and bleeding all over the place. I’m not sure when we’re going to be seen by a doctor. By my estimation, probably this time next week.’ Ruth sounded rushed and out of breath.
‘Don’t worry; I still have the keys from when I locked up the other night. I can get everything set up. I just need to ring Jamie and tell him I’ll base myself at the centre today. I was going to have an admin day anyway. He should be fine with that.’
Let Me Be Your Truth (Music and Letters Series Book 3) Page 5