Deep Surrendering: Episode Nine

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Deep Surrenderings, Episode 9

  Copyright © 2014 Chelsea M. Cameron

  www.chelseamcameron.com

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are use fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, business establishments or locales is entirely coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. All rights reserved.

  Cover Copyright © Chelsea M. Cameron

  Edited by GreatImaginations.com

  Interior Design by NovelNinjutsu.com

  “Hi,” I said, my voice coming out as a squeak.

  “Hello, Marisol.” I tried to figure out his mood based on the tone of voice he’d used, but couldn’t. Fin was good at keeping himself in check when he really wanted to.

  “So, um, we talked. She told me about the money.” She told me a lot of other things, too. That he hadn’t seen her since that one time I knew about. That she thought I was good for him.

  “She did.” It wasn’t a question, and he didn’t seem surprised.

  “Yes. I just don’t understand why you’d do it, and why you’d hide that from me.” I wasn’t angry, just curious. I could imagine all kinds of reasons he hadn’t told me, but I wanted to hear it from him.

  He sighed and I hopped back up on the bed. The headache was still lingering behind my eyeballs, so I dry swallowed two pills as Fin tried to put his words together.

  “I’m not sure if I can answer why I did it. I just . . . did. Maybe it was guilt, maybe I felt sorry for her, maybe a million things. At the time it was mostly in rebellion. My father had paid for her the first time, and I wanted to make up for that and show him that my money had power too. And after a few years it just became a habit. I was also visiting her regularly and she helped me through a lot of dark times. Mostly with her body, but sometimes we’d just talk. I didn’t have anyone in my life like that, so I guess it was almost like therapy. Are you upset with me?”

  “No,” I said immediately. “I’m not. If you’d lied to me and gone to see her, yeah, I sure as hell would be. But not over this. It’s really sweet in a way.”

  Fin scoffed. “If I was really sweet, I wouldn’t have tied her up so many times. But she liked it as much as I did. I used to ask her if she ever wanted to leave the lifestyle, and she always told me that it was where she belonged.”

  She’d said as much to me.

  “But that’s the thing. You didn’t do anything that she didn’t consent to,” I said.

  “I suppose. But I’m not some philanthropist, Marisol. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, and even if I gave all my money away and devoted my life to serving others, it still wouldn’t undo that.”

  “Are you talking about Eduardo?” He had to know that wasn’t his fault. None of the “bad” things he’d told me about had been completely his fault. I wished I could make him see that.

  “About him, about a lot of things. I know I keep telling you that I’m not a good person, but I need you to believe me. I can be better, but I can never truly be good. Too much has happened.”

  I didn’t believe that for one second.

  “Well, I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on that.”

  Fin chuckled. “And that, Marisol, is why you are an eternal optimist.”

  I didn’t really think of myself that way. I tended to think about worst case scenarios a lot more than I should. But maybe Fin was my exception. I just saw something in him that he couldn’t see in himself, and I’d never stop reminding him of it.

  “What else did you talk about?” he asked, and I filled him in on a few more things, but I kept some of it to myself. The talk with Sapphire had felt so intimate. She was the kind of person who could see under facades and through walls to what people were really like. It must come in handy in her line of work.

  “She’s . . . something else,” I said. There really weren’t a whole lot of words to describe Sapphire.

  “She is. She’s one of the only people I might actually call a friend.” As long as it was platonic from here on out, I didn’t have too much of a problem with them being . . . friends. Yes, it made me jealous and uncomfortable, but I could get past that for him. I could.

  “Do you think you’ll see her again? I mean, not see her, see her. Just hang out. With no bondage.”

  He laughed again. “I don’t know. It’s easier to talk to her when we’re in that place. It’s a safe space where you can’t be judged. Where every desire and whim and feeling is permitted. In the outside world, not everything is safe like that. I don’t even know how it would work, really.” Yeah, that would probably be a strange transition to make.

  “I can imagine. Well, I can’t, because I don’t even know what a place like that would look like. I’ve seen movies and read books and everything, but I don’t know if my imagination is running wild, or if the reality would match the picture in my mind,” I said.

  “You could go, if you wanted to. I’m sure Sapphire would take you around. During the day, when no one’s there.”

  Now there was a proposition.

  “I really don’t think I’m ready for that, Fin.” It made my stomach flutter uncomfortably when I thought about it. Definitely not. Playing with Fin in the bedroom was one thing, but seeing where he’d done things with another woman was too much.

  “You’re probably right. It was just an idea. It’s not as scary as you think, Marisol.”

  There was no way to know for sure, unless I went. “Maybe sometime. But I’ll probably have to be drunk and totally psych myself up for it.”

  He was silent on the other end, and I checked my phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped. Sometimes international calls could be finicky.

  “Marisol, I need to go. I’ll call you again when I can. I hope you got the answers you needed from Sapphire.”

  I’d gotten some of them, but I didn’t think I’d ever quite unravel the mysteries of Fin Herald. Not in this lifetime, at least.

  “Okay. I love you. Bye, Fin.”

  “Goodbye, Marisol.”

  I lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. I had way too much information banging around in my brain. It was only eight o’clock, but I decided to call it a night and go to sleep. Knowing my thoughts wouldn’t give me a break, I took a sleeping pill to make sure I shut down. I’d get up and deal with everything else tomorrow. For now, I just wanted to sleep and not think for a while.

  The pill was a good idea at night when I needed to sleep, but not so much the next morning when I actually had to get up. It was like pulling teeth to get myself out of Fin’s bed. I hadn’t even changed out of my clothes, and my hair was a wreck.

  I stumbled to the coffeemaker and got it going. I’d need at least two cups before I’d even feel remotely human again. I pulled the French vanilla creamer out of the fridge and set it on the counter, sighing.

  Fin needed to come back. Like, yesterday. I needed him here. Things with my mother were starting to look stable, but her mind was only going to deteriorate from here on out, and I didn’t know how to handle that.

  Finally, I had two cups of coffee in me, and I was awake enough to get some food, get dressed, and head to class.

  I wasn’t expecting to hear from Fin, so it didn’t surprise me when he didn’t call the rest of the day. I did, however, get a call from my father. Shit, I was supposed to call him last night.

  He left me a voicemail since I was in class when he called, and I headed outside of the local café on my break to listen to it. I wished I could get him to embrace the text message, but
that ship had probably sailed a long time ago.

  I called him back. “Hey, Dad. I’m so sorry I didn’t get back to you. I feel just awful about it.”

  “No, no, it’s fine. I understand you have a life and you’re busy.”

  Well if that didn’t make me feel like shit, I didn’t know what would.

  “It’s not fine, Dad. I should have called.” I sighed and then launched into the information I’d gotten from the woman at the nursing service. “So, if you want, we can set up interviews for tomorrow. Do you want to do them at the house? I think that would be best so they can meet Mom and see everything.” See what they were going to be dealing with, I didn’t say. I hadn’t thought past getting Dad some help. I hadn’t even thought about how my mother was going to take this. Something told me it wouldn’t be pretty. She didn’t take kindly to anyone telling her what to do.

  Oh well. We’d cross that bridge when we got there.

  “That sounds fine,” he said, and I agreed that I could make time in my schedule to come over and help. Dad protested at first, but I shot him down. I was going to help with this, dammit.

  It was a relief to get back in my classes and think about something that didn’t involve me for a while. But then classes ended and it was time to go home. I texted Chloe and asked if she wanted to have dinner, but she didn’t answer back right away. Huh. Guess she was busy.

  So I headed back to my apartment and made myself some dinner from leftovers I had in the fridge. It was a sad meal and was made sadder by my quiet phone. I was used to Fin not being able to communicate, but for some reason, today it was really bothering me.

  Not sure what else to do with myself, I got out some homework and put on a romantic comedy. Then I changed my mind and put on a stupid reality show marathon. I didn’t want to watch a movie about happy people falling in love and everything working out.

  My own love story was (so far) complicated and twisted and confusing. I wouldn’t change Fin for the world, but . . . I didn’t know how much I could take. What if it took a long time for him to get free of his father? And really, would he ever be free of him? I mean, not unless his father died, and I didn’t think patricide was a good solution.

  I wished I had a timeline. That Fin would give me a ballpark of when he could come home. Or at least let me in on some of his plans.

  I finished my sad meal and sat on the couch and was sad. I hated feeling this way. Chloe wasn’t answering her phone, it was too late to feed the ducks, and I didn’t have any wine in the house. The homework helped a little, but not enough.

  So I went to my bathroom, lit some candles, and filled the bathtub. A good soak could do wonders.

  I put a pillow under my neck to support my head and lay back in the warm water. Starting with my feet, I relaxed each part of my body and breathed deep. Or I started to, and then got distracted by my stupid thoughts. And then my phone rang. I’d set it on the sink just in case, and I nearly broke my neck stumbling out of the slippery bathtub to get to it. I answered without seeing who was calling.

  “Hey babe,” Chloe said, and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed she wasn’t Fin.

  “Hey,” I said, panting a little. “Where have you been?”

  “Ugh, this stupid fucking training session. They’re forcing all the managers in the state to do trust falls and shit like that to somehow teach us how to deal with employees who won’t stop checking Facebook during working hours.” That explained it. I realized I was dripping all over the floor and grabbed a towel to wrap around myself.

  “That sucks. So, have you had dinner yet?”

  “No, I’m fucking starving. I haven’t been able to curse all day, so I have to fulfill my quota for the day.”

  I laughed. “Well, I already ate, but if you want to come over we could order something. Or you could have some leftovers from the other day.”

  I didn’t have a whole lot to offer in the food department. I really needed to stock up and head to the store. I’d been a little too preoccupied with other things to go grocery shopping. My house was also a wreck. I’d been neglecting my domestic duties. Even though I lived alone, I still liked to have my house nice, and I didn’t have a cleaner coming in once a week like Fin did.

  “That sounds great. I’ll be over in a half hour?”

  “Sounds good.” I hung up, and I went to put some clothes on and mop up my bathroom floor.

  “Feed me something, please,” Chloe said when she crashed through the door. She was still in her work uniform: khakis and a polo shirt with the spa’s logo on it. It wasn’t the most flattering thing to wear, and Chloe hated it with the passion of a thousand suns.

  “I’ve got some cheese and crackers and some fruit,” I said. I’d set out a plate with the cheese and crackers in preparation. She attacked the plate with both hands.

  “Whoa, what the hell? Have you not eaten for a week?” I asked as she shoveled food into her mouth.

  She shook her head and swallowed. “No. They were just serving wheatgrass shit and vegan crap, and I can’t bring myself to eat that. I mean, what did cheese ever do to anyone? And butter. How can those people live without butter?”

  “No idea. Butter is the best.”

  “I know, right?” She finished off the plate of crackers and then crashed on my couch. “Anyway, enough of my bitching. How’s everything going with you?”

  Where to start?

  “Oh, well, things are moving forward with Mom. Dad and I are interviewing potential nurses tomorrow, so that’s on track to being under control. And, um, Fin called last night.” I wasn’t going to tell her about Sapphire. There wasn’t an easy way to explain her without telling her about Fin’s . . . tastes in the bedroom, and I didn’t want to share that with anyone. It was too intimate to share, even with Chlo.

  “How’s everything going with him?”

  “I don’t exactly know. But good, I guess. No news is good news, right?” I really hoped that was true in this case.

  “Absolutely. Do you have any idea when he’s coming back?”

  I shook my head and she made a sympathetic face.

  “That’s sucks, babe. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to do the long-distance thing. I couldn’t date anyone who lived outside the city. I mean, what would be the point?” That made me laugh. “Not that I really want to date anyone right now. I’m not sure if dating is really, you know, for me. I mean, everyone is different.”

  I didn’t believe that, but I kept my mouth shut. I’d be wary of dating too if I’d had such a horrible experience with an ex as she had. I tried not to even think about what I’d do if this thing with Fin somehow ended. I couldn’t comprehend that.

  “Well, I wouldn’t write off dating just yet. You never know. Your perfect woman could be out there right now.”

  I went to the window and pulled back the curtain. The lights from my neighbors’ houses sparkled, and the streetlights cast an orange glow over the sidewalk and the road. I loved the city at night. It was so romantic and warm.

  “Yeah, I’m not going to hold my breath. I don’t think there’s someone for everyone. I mean, that whole theory just doesn’t make any sense when you think about it.”

  She did have a point. A very unromantic point. And sure, maybe there wasn’t someone for everyone. But it was kind of a depressing way to live.

  Ugh, I didn’t want to talk about love and romance at the moment. I’d rather talk about something else. Anything else.

  “So, what would you like to order?” I asked by way of changing the subject.

  “Food,” she said.

  “So then they say ‘falling’ and the catchers say ‘fall away!’ I have no idea how it’s supposed to actually, you know, build trust. Because I don’t trust those bitches, and no trust fall is going to help with that,” Chloe said as she dug into a container of noodles. We’d ordered Chinese and Greek, and I was having a second dinner. For some reason Chloe talking about food so much had made me hungry again. Plus, stuffing my
face gave me something to do other than thinking about Fin and my mom.

  “It sounds ridiculous. Isn’t that something they do at camp when you’re a kid?” I’d never gotten to go to camp. My mom thought it was too common or something. Or camps were dirty. I had no idea, but I never got to go and I always wanted to. It was one of those things I’d carried with me to adulthood that I still resented my parents for. Stupid, but there you go.

  “Yeah, I had to do it at camp. It sucked ass then and it sucked ass today. Plus, there were a ton of people who were like, really into it, and I just wanted to smack the trust right off their happy faces.” How Chloe lasted as long as she had at that job, I had no idea.

  She sighed, put her fork down, and set the empty box on the coffee table.

  “But it’s a job, and they do cut me a lot of slack. Every now and then I go a little crazy and end up bitching out a nasty customer or someone I work with, and they sort of just shake their heads and roll their eyes. I have no idea why they like me so much except that I actually give a shit and get stuff done.” That was true. Chloe did get stuff done. She might hate her job, but she wasn’t a slacker, and when she wasn’t cursing out fellow employees or customers, she worked hard.

  “Hey, it’s not easy to find a job right now. I’m just relieved I don’t have to worry about it for a little bit longer.” If the economy kept sucking, I was going to stay in school for as long as I could. Unless, of course, I had an actual job lined up, and that could be hard to find. There were a hell of a lot of unemployed educators and not enough schools to employ them. Not to mention budget cuts.

  “Okay, enough work talk. Let’s talk about . . .” She trailed off, as if she was asking me for a subject.

  “Ummm,” I said, struggling to come up with something.

  Chloe snapped her fingers. “Cake. We can talk about cake. I could talk about cake forever.” True story. So we talked about cake until we both really wanted cake. I found a box of mix in my cupboards, and we ended up making it at nine at night.