It’s hard to believe how life has changed with the passing of time. You don’t seem to notice it on a daily basis, but when you take a look back over the years, you can see how things have evolved. This world is certainly a different place than it was when I was a youngster. Today’s world has gotten too fast. It’s such a materialist society. People don’t take the time to appreciate all the simple things in the world anymore. They’re way too busy trying to fulfill their wants, and not their needs. It seems most folks have more money than they used to, but they don’t seem satisfied with what they have. Such a pity. The things that I thought were the most important in my younger days sure do differ now that I’m old. Material things certainly don’t hold the same value. All the simple things that youngsters take for granted seem to bring the most joy to me now.
The day I gave birth to Murray and Mary Beth, I could never have guessed in my wildest dreams where my life would lead. I was so young and naive back then. I would never have thought that of myself at that time, though. I felt that I was such a mature young woman. I was certain that if I was strong enough to handle the pangs of childbirth, there wasn’t anything life threw at me that I couldn’t handle. Well, I guess that I was partly right. I did handle all that life, or fate, sent my way. How well I dealt with things may differ with everyone’s opinion. I feel I did pretty well, considering the times I came through. Life certainly wasn’t easy, and I was thrown quite a few curves. A person just has to make decisions based on what works for them at that time in their life. People can always talk and say what they want, but what works for one may not work for another. They don’t make shoes in “one size fits all”. You have to keep that in mind when it applies to others, as well. You have to stop and take a look at the whole picture. Sometimes you just don’t know what you just don’t know. I recall my folks saying that on occasion.
No, I can’t say I have any regrets for any decisions I made throughout my life. Lots of things happened that were out of my control. I wished they could have been different, but that’s not the same. Those are the things you just have to accept and move forward. As they say, you can’t rewrite history. Some things are just meant to be.
Every mother always feels her children grow up way too fast. Sometimes when they were babes and not having a good night, I remember wishing they were big enough to tell me what was wrong. Then, when they were all grown and out on their own, I wished they were still babes. I sure missed them. But once they started having little ones themselves, I sure enjoyed being a grandmother. I sure enjoyed all of you little ones. It was more relaxing being a grandparent. I didn’t have the daily responsibility that motherhood entailed and I had more time to spend doing things with the grandchildren. It seems you have a lot more patience for grandchildren, too. You certainly have a different tolerance for their behaviour, that’s for sure. Sometimes you laugh when you know you really shouldn’t encourage their mischief, but they’re just so darn cute. Logan was the dangest one for getting the grandkids going. He teased them and spoiled them. Well, I guess that’s what grandparents just do.
My Logan sure was a good man, father, and husband. I was so fortunate that circumstance worked out for me and my first four children. After losing Jed, then Royce, I had no idea that the road of life would lead me to another remarkable man. I can honestly say that I had the privilege to have been married to three wonderful men. All of them were hardworking, honest, trusting, and loving. They all seemed to have a sense of humour and a great zest for life in general. I guess that’s why they were so easy to love.
In reflecting back over all those years I’ve put behind me, it makes me think about life’s true measure. I’m not sure that my ideals suit everyone’s opinion, but I believe we each have to live our own lives to suit ourselves. We’re all individuals. That’s important to remember. We have to just be ourselves, follow our hearts and live out our own dreams. Pa used to say that it wasn’t what we have or what we do that defines us, but why we do it.
I do believe that our life’s true measure isn’t about what we get out of life, but what we put into it. There’s a lot to be said about being a hardworking, good living person. By being loving, caring, and kind to others, we alter the world for the better. We pay it forward, so to speak. In doing so, we pass peace, joy, love, and goodwill on. That, in the end, is what will be remembered and live on way after us. That’s the legacy we leave behind. That’s what life is all about. That’s life’s true measure.”
not another birthday!
“Well, Beth, I think that I’ve been talking your ear off. My, it’s not hard to put in a day. Time sure has a way of getting away on us. Of course, that’s how this all got started. We were talking about my birthday, and all the years I’ve put behind me. Quite a history lesson I just gave you. I’m sure you’ve heard some of it before. I hope that I have answered all your questions about me and my life story. I think you should have a better understanding about some of your kin, as well. Of course, you’ve been part of some of my life’s adventures and probably remember those occasions. I know your Ma has told you some of it, too. Jackie named you Beth after my Ma, your great grandmother. Ma would have been so pleased about that. It feels good to reminisce about all those times gone by. I’m glad I can share my story and pass it on to you. It’s good to know your roots. Pa used to say that you need to know where you come from in order to figure out where you’re going.
Yes, life has sure taken me on quite a ride. Indeed, it surely has! All my yammering-on brings us back to where we started. I’m not so sure I’m as excited about celebrating my one-hundred and fifth birthday as you seem to be, but I have always enjoyed getting together with family and friends. You’re such a sweet girl. I’ve always enjoyed the times we’ve shared throughout the years. My Jackie was lucky to have a daughter like you, always wanting to do for others.
I guess I’m just not certain I really want another birthday party. We had such a great time together when I turned one-hundred. Now that was a party! It seemed like a real milestone to celebrate. At the time, I felt like it was a great accomplishment. I was still living in my own home and just simply taking one day at a time doing for myself. I can honestly say I was excited to have gotten to be a century old. It seemed like a good reason for a party, but a lot has changed since then.
You see, Beth, there’s really no enjoyment about getting old. I’ve had to keep going these past years as, one by one, all my kin and friends have gone. Sometimes I think they’re the lucky ones. They’re not suffering anymore or just hanging around being a burden to their family. This old age certainly isn’t as golden as people think. Especially, once you get so you can’t fend for yourself. I still put in my days, but I’m not able to do all the things I loved. It seems I spend most of my time remembering, not doing.
I know that I shouldn’t sound ungrateful for such a gift as life. So many young folks have died before their time. They didn’t even have a chance to start living. All those young men and women, fathers and mothers who were still needed here in this world, and me still hanging around here with a full life lived. I can’t seem to figure out the point in any of it. I guess part of it is ending my years here. Us residents call this place “the house of death”. We know we’ve been sent here to die.
Some have moved here by their own free will, not wishing to stay in their own home. Not liking to be on their own. They feel safer living here. But, most of us were forced to come here by a doctor, due to health issues. I didn’t like it one bit. Even though my brain told me it was the thing I had to do, my heart was still longing to go home. I didn’t figure I’d spend my last days here. It’s not what I had in mind at all. I had really hoped I’d make my exit same as Eva had. Lucky, she was.
When I was in my own home, hardly a day went by without someone stopping in for a bit of a chinwag. Now it seems weeks go by without a visitor. I know it’s because I’m here. I see it in everyone’s eyes. I’m not faulting anyone. It’s hard for people to come here a
nd see all these poor old souls that live here. All these frail old folks who are wore out, broke down, and busted. It’s not an easy thing to see. It was hard for me at first. It’s such a harsh reality for us to witness people in such terrible state of health. I think the abnormal behaviours that some residents exhibit scare the average person. I know that I don’t know how to react to those folks. Some of them scare the heck out of me, and I’m sure it affects most people that way.
One lady here said her daughter told her it was like looking into the mirror, seeing what her own future had in store. Another said that she thought that we were the forgotten generation. She thinks that the rest of the world prefers to hide us away, so they didn’t have to see us. Then they can forget about growing old. There could be some truth in that.
Today’s world seems to be all about being young and beautiful and sexy. That’s what the modern society thrives on. Everyone is trying to fight the inevitable. They want to cheat fate and be young forever. It seems grey hair and wrinkles are the new leprosy.
You see, Beth, society is prejudiced and biased, and we elderly do feel it. I know that Jackie and Jacob didn’t put me in here to hide me away. I’m not saying that any of my family has neglected or forgotten me. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I couldn’t ask for a better family. You have all been very good to me and I appreciate all that each of you have done on my behalf, but society does marginalize the elderly.
I guess, part of me just doesn’t feel deserving of all the whoopla. Why do I want to celebrate being so old? Why would others want to come here to celebrate with an old woman? Would people even want to come here to this place? That’s what I keep asking myself. I know that most people are not comfortable being in this environment.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate your thoughtfulness. It’s just that this party won’t be the same without Murray, Mary Beth, and Charity here. They all passed away so close together that I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around it. I know I need to accept their deaths, but it seems senseless that I still remain and they are gone. A family gathering won’t feel the same. It doesn’t seem right that my brood is starting to die off from old age, and I’m still holding on. A mother should never have to attend her own child’s funeral. When Chase was killed in the war it made my heart nearly break. I knew when he left we might never see him again, but that didn’t make it any easier. It just doesn’t seem right. Things weren’t set up to be this way.”
Beth suddenly stood up and walked over to me. She knelt down in front of me and took my hands in hers. That’s when I realized she had been crying again. In a soft and compassionate voice she said, “Gran, your story is so heart- wrenching. I had no idea how much you’ve had to endure. You’ve suffered so much loss. I can’t even begin to imagine how you managed to continue on after Jed and Royce died. Those were such tough times for you and your children. I don’t know how you found the strength to go on. I can’t envision myself doing all the physical labour you had to do to run a house, never mind doing it on my own without a husband. You are one tough lady Gran. Then, to think that you took on Grandpa with all his difficulties, and his three little ones. Wow! What a strain that must have been, and yet, you managed to trudge forward, blend two families, and start anew. You are a remarkable woman. You inspire me beyond words. I couldn’t ask for a better role model than you.
I’m so glad that you and Grandpa had a happy ending. I know you shared some wonderful times together after all your children grew up. You both certainly deserved it after all you had endured. I know you really miss Grandpa. We all do. He was a good man. I’m glad I had the chance to share so many great times with him when I was young.
This has been a wonderful day. I’m thankful I dropped by and had the chance to hear your story Gran. You have so much to share. You’ve certainly enlightened me. It’s good to know about my family’s history. As you said, I need to know where I came from in order to know where I’m going. And now that I’ve heard your whole story, I want to give you a party for your one-hundred and fifth birthday even more so. We just can’t let it slide Gran. That would be wrong.
Instead of letting your past die with you, you need to share it and bring it back to life. You’re such a wealth of information. You know so much about our local history and a bygone era. You’re one of the remaining few who lived during those times, and you’re still able tell about it. You are a voice from our past and we need to hear about our past. We also need to be reminded about how hard your generation worked, and what you sacrificed to create the wonderful life we have today. Your generation paved the way and turned a wilderness into a land of dreams and opportunities. I know that we don’t appreciate it like we should. We take too much for granted. I get it now, Gran, you paid your dues and it’s time for my generation to give back and pay it forward. It’s not so much about being old and living here in long-term care that’s gotten you down. It’s the lack of respect and low value that today’s society places on our senior citizens. You feel degraded and unappreciated.
Well, Gran, you are a blessing and you don’t realize it. It’s like you said, you have the gift of gab. You have a voice. You can be a spokesperson for all the residents. You need to make some noise and tell people what it’s really like to be old and living in long-term care. Maybe, your voice will help to bring about changes that will make living in long-term care better for all residents. Perhaps, you can get more help for so many in need.”
That’s when I jumped back in, “Beth, why is anyone going to listen to me? I’m just an old woman. People will just think that I’m a complainer and that I’m ungrateful.”
“No, Gran, don’t you see? You were born in 1897. You’ve lived in three centuries and will be one-hundred and five. That’s very rare! You’re a celebrity. People will be very interested to hear your story and listen to your opinion. You have a special way of talking to people.”
I thought for a moment, then replied, “I surely don’t want to hurt your feelings, Beth. I think you have my best interests at heart. You think a grand old birthday party will cheer me up a bit. I guess perhaps it might. It seems I’m wallowing in self-pity. A body shouldn’t do that. It won’t change what’s done. It’s not really my nature anyhow.”
“No, Gran, I certainly don’t think that you are wallowing in self-pity. I think that you’re discouraged. Just think about how a party will inspire all the other residents. They’ll be excited to join you to celebrate such a grand occasion,” Beth replied.
“Maybe a party is what I need,” I said. “You’re right in saying that Murray, Mary Beth, and Charity would want for me to celebrate my big day. They were always up for partying. They loved to have a reason for a family gathering. It just breaks my heart knowing they won’t be with us, but it is like you say. They would want us all to keep on living and enjoying our time as best we can. If it was anyone else hereabouts turning one-hundred and five, I’d be the first one to say that we should have a big shindig to celebrate the occasion. It will give some of my fellow residents something to look forward to, that’s for sure. It might put a bright spot in their day, just like you say. It sounds like you’ve included my friends here in your plans. You think of everything.”
“Yes, Gran, I have,” Beth replies cheerfully.
I hesitate for a second. Beth is smiling. Her eyes sparkle with love and affection. How can I deny her this wish? She is so kind and thoughtful. I smile then, too, squeezing her hands as I continue, “Well, Beth, I guess I’ll give in and let you go ahead with all your plans and fussing. You’ve managed to talk me into it. It may be the last time we all get to spend together while I’m still here on the green side. One never knows at my age when the end will come. A family gathering for a happy occasion would be better than the alternative. I shouldn’t be so selfish. It’ll add a bright spot in the final celebration, a celebration for a life well lived. Merry Christmas Beth. Thank you dear. It’s a great gift idea. I appreciate all your love and kindness.
I guess I could sit down and write a few words for a speech like you were talking about. I’m not real sure what to say. You make it sound all extraordinary, saying I’m some sort of celebrity, living in three centuries and all. I haven’t lived any sort of extravagant life. I’ve just lived. Same as all the other faces you see around here. I guess every life has a story, though. At least that’s what I’ve been saying, and everyone should get the chance to tell theirs. Maybe this is my chance! Maybe I can make a difference! Maybe, telling my story will make old age acceptable again! Maybe, people will put some weight into what I have to say about living here. Here’s hoping, Beth.
I’ll try to be on my best behaviour. It’ll be fun to laugh, reminisce, and celebrate. To celebrate life. To celebrate my life. A life long lived and well enjoyed. For the most part anyway. Send out the invitations, Beth. I’ll be there dear, I’ll be there.”
About the author
Peggy Smith was born in 1962 and grew
up on a small farm outside of Sundridge, Ontario.
She started nursing in long-term care after
graduating highschool. She spent twenty
five years working with the elderly before retiring.
She and her husband live outside of
Powassan, Ontario. They enjoy a quiet
rural lifestyle that is intertwined
with nature.
Three Score and Ten, What Then? Page 24