by A. J. Downey
“I’m sorry,” she uttered and raised her hands from the bath, scrubbing her tears away with her damp fingers. She held her breath and splashed water onto her face and I turned my head away, staring at the glassed in shower, trying hard not to study her reflection and to give her both support and privacy in equal measure. I mean, what else could I fucking do?
“Thank you, Marlin,” she said and I jumped slightly.
“For what?”
“Everything.”
“I ain’t done nothin’ really.”
She finished her bath in silence and I let her, standing and waiting out in the room for her to dry off and get dressed. She was unsteady on her feet when she slipped out into the room and blinked up at me owlishly when I turned around and looked down at her from where I stood sentinel.
Wordlessly she held up that leather wrist band with the old fashioned key plate set into it and I smiled and nodded. She slipped it over her hand and held it in place, turning up the delicate underside of her wrist so that I could tug the laces tight and tie it off for her. Silently we stood while I carefully tied the thin leather cording off in a bow.
“Someday you gonna tell me what it means? Why it’s so important?” I asked quietly.
“Maybe.”
“You ain’t gotta tell me anything you don’t want to, Darlin’, but I sure would like to get to know you.”
She looked thoughtful at that and with a halting step, took one out into the room, but stopped.
“What’s the matter?”
“I don’t want to sound rude, but I’m sick of it in here… can we go someplace else in the house?” I smiled.
“Yeah, you’re not a prisoner, Baby Girl. You’re a guest, you can go wherever you want. You good to make it downstairs? Sit in the kitchen while I make you something to eat, see if you can keep something down?”
“I think so,” she nodded but wouldn’t look at me. She hugged herself around the middle and looked so wrung out, but at the same time, she was on the mend. Her color better, the dark circles under her eyes still prominent, but her bright eyes, from beneath her pale lashes, were more alert than I’d seen them since I’d met her. Forget lucid, she was back from the hell the drugs had dragged her down into… which meant she was going to have to start clawing her way out of the pit of memory sooner rather than later.
I was wondering how tough this talk was going to be. None of us were fuckin’ equipped for this kind of mental and emotional damage. Faith was gonna need help. Real help, from a professional equipped to deal with this level of trauma to a person’s psyche. I put out a hand and motioned for her to lead the way and she padded gracefully on her bare feet across the light, lush carpet.
Hope had dropped off a few clothes the day before, quiet, pleading with her eyes for me to tell her that Faith had changed her mind and wanted her older sister, but Faith hadn’t said a word about her. At least not until now.
“Do you think Hope will want to see me?” she asked and I cocked my head to the side and pulled out a chair at the dining room table. Faith drifted down into it and I looked her over. She wore soft looking heather gray leggings beneath an oversized white boat neck tee. At least I think that’s what they called the kind that hung artfully off her thin shoulder. She’d swept all that long blonde hair over her shoulder. Both of us thankfully lice free, so it would seem. My jacket and cut were in a plastic garbage sack and tied off in the garage where they had to sit for a few more days yet. Just to make sure.
“Honey, I think I’m gonna have a tough time keeping her away much longer. You want I should call her here now?”
She gazed out the back slider, out over the sun bleached beach, eyes distant as she took in the faraway lapping waves of the sea.
“Tomorrow okay?” she asked.
I sighed inwardly. She’d been programmed to go along with everyone else’s wants and desires so long it was going to be an uphill battle to get her to a place where she was comfortable expressing what she wanted. This was going to take patience. Something I both had and didn’t have depending on the situation.
“I’ll call her and let her know.”
I got something simple to eat started and called Hope and let her know that Faith was ready to see her. Then I spent the next ten minutes talking our President’s girl out of coming right then and there and holding off until tomorrow. The call ended with her tellin’ me we weren’t friends for at least the next five minutes before she huffed out a breath and thanked me for taking care of her girl. There was a reason we liked Hope. That would be one of them. It was like she was a female version of the Captain, only a little less sure of herself in some ways and feistier in others.
“There we go,” I set down a steaming mug of a simple broth in front of her and some saltine crackers on a plate. If she could keep this down, I was under doctor’s orders to give her a supplement shake after a while.
“Thank you,” she murmured and blew on the steaming liquid.
I sat across from her, and kicked back in my chair. She wouldn’t look at me, but I kind of expected that.
“Tell me something you like to do, or liked to do, before all this.” I said gently. I wanted to try and get a conversation started but half expected she wouldn’t tell me. She stared for long moments at the leather on her wrist before she spoke, haltingly.
“I… I liked to party. I would go out to bars and clubs and drink and dance, just hang out with my friends. You know?”
I chuckled, “I do.”
“My sisters and I would go shopping. I liked to do my makeup…” she frowned, “Do you think that’s part of why she sold me?”
My mouth went dry, she didn’t have to talk about any of this to me, but who was I to deny her? I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t have a truthful answer, or extreme certainty, the only truth I had was the one I gave her.
“There’s no telling what people like that think, what they look for. You’re a beautiful girl, Faith. Makeup, no makeup, puking on me…” I grinned to take any bite out of it but it quickly faded. She was staring into her cup of broth, her eyes drifted shut and twin crystalline tears dropped from her lashes and into her lap. “Even crying.” I breathed and she sniffed. I wasn’t helping anything so I shut my fucking trap and got up, tearing a paper towel off the roll and bringing it to her. She took it and dabbed at her eyes.
We sat in silence for the rest of the meal and for a long time after she was finished. Her stomach finally gave an unhappy, clearly audible roil and she visibly paled.
“That way,” I pointed at the open and darkened bathroom door and she nodded, got up and swiftly walked that way. She hit the light and closed the door and I waited for the retching, but it never came. I sighed. Oh. Right. That. I thought to myself and went about cleaning up around the kitchen. I made myself a sandwich and ate; she still hadn’t come out by the time I was through. I tapped on the closed door.
“You okay, Darlin’?” I asked through the wood.
“I’m fine…”
But she wasn’t. I knew she wasn’t, but like so many things thus far when it came to Faith, there wasn’t anything I could do except wait this out like all the rest. It was day seven of detoxing for her, but I somehow doubted she remembered the first four or five and that was okay. I could be the strong one and endure those memories for her. I sighed and sat and waited for her to come back out of the bathroom. When she did, she was sweating and pale, a light sheen of moisture on her upper lip, her arms wrapped protectively around her middle.
“Think you’re done throwing up. You want help back up to go lie down?” I asked.
She bit her lips together hesitantly and nodded finally. I helped her back up to bed and she lay down on her side. The poor girl was miserable and uncomfortable, and again, there wasn’t anything I could do.
Damn.
Chapter 6
Faith
My sister and I clung to each other on the big, overstuffed couch in the living room for the longest time. I could think again,
which was both a blessing and a curse. Marlin tried valiantly to give us space, but he was just there, always there, hovering at the edge of the room. Hope kept glancing at him, and back to me and I shrugged, finally pulling back enough to let the corner of the couch support me. Although our hands were still clasped in one another’s in our laps between us. I couldn’t bear to let my sister go. The cast on her right arm was rough beneath my thumb where I rubbed it back and forth over it, over the back of her hand. The thought she couldn’t feel it didn’t even really occur to me, and when it did, it didn’t make me stop.
“You okay, Bubbles?” Hope roved my face with her deep dark eyes that I had always envied growing up. Deep, dark, smooth liquid brown, and remarkable with how unremarkable they were. Everybody always had something to say about my eyes. Sometimes I wished I were just… I don’t know… more ordinary. Maybe if I’d been born plain, maybe I wouldn’t have been chosen, maybe I wouldn’t have had to…
“Faith, come on, Darlin’, look at me…” I blinked several times and focused and as ever he was there, a constant, stable. A wall to lean on when I couldn’t stand on my own, and ever the perfect gentleman while providing that service to me.
Of course, why wouldn’t he be? Who wants a nasty used up druggie whore on their arm?
“I… I’m sorry…”
“Shhh, it’s okay, really. You back now? You solid?” he asked. I searched his handsome face, the bright blue of his eyes and nodded faintly.
Hope sighed and squeezed my fingers with her good hand, “Faith, will you let me find somebody to help you, Sis?” she asked quietly and I dragged my attention back to my sister. I bit my lips together.
“What, like therapy?” I asked. I knew that’s what she meant, and I couldn’t fool myself, even if I wanted to, let alone anyone else. I needed help. I didn’t even know how to crawl up and over this mountain of issues on my own; I couldn’t even begin to figure out how to deal with this. Any of this. I closed my eyes and let the despair of my situation wash over me.
“Yeah, Bubbles. There’s a woman about an hour away. She specializes in this kind of thing… if I made an appointment would you talk to her?”
I sniffed back tears, Marlin’s presence beside me lending me strength to face this, my sister’s hands in mine…
“I can’t afford to pay –” I cut myself off abruptly, “I mean, you, I…” I would need to find a job; I didn’t even know how much money I had left, if any. Was I even still legally alive? Don’t they declare missing people dead after a time? Anxiety and panic trilled up and down my spine, crushing the center of my chest in its fist and rattled me back and forth. I felt like I was drowning, like the house was closing in and swallowing me up, but as ever, Marlin’s voice chased back the dark, which was warring to crush me between its gnarled hands.
“Easy, Baby Girl, deep breaths, just breathe…” it was the mantra that had pulled me from the deepest, darkest, despair of my sickness. The sickness those evil bastards had shoved into my veins, and fogged my brain with. I squeezed my sister’s hand and resisted the urge I always had when he spoke to me this way. The urge to crawl into his lap. To huddle against his chest and hide from the world like a frightened child. After all, he didn’t want to touch me. I was an unclean thing. Every time he did, he would startle and jerk his hands back as if he’d been burned, or like I was diseased and he would catch it. Which who knew? Maybe I was.
Maybe the test results the doctor had called with were all lies and I had something horrible and incurable and I would die from it… Sometimes I wanted that. To die. Then I would see the fierce look in Marlin’s eyes, I would think of Hope’s disappointment and Charity’s heartbreak and those thoughts would be chased back into the dark for the time being.
God, these thoughts… I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to talk to someone about these things. Someone who I wouldn’t hurt with the telling, someone not my sisters… Marlin ducked and captured my gaze with his, determination radiating out from his summer sky eyes.
“Will you take me?” I asked, before I could stop myself.
“Absolutely, Darlin’,” and I could hear the solemn vow in his tone.
“I’ll make the appointment, Bubbles, don’t worry about anything for now. Okay?” Hope searched my face and where I’d been blind, I swore I could see now.
“You really worried about me didn’t you?” Guilt spiraled out of the sky and crushed me beneath its weight.
“Never stopped looking,” she said, eyes welling.
“Why!? I always thought I was a pain in your ass!” I didn’t understand, all the fighting and disagreeing and her riding my ass…
“Of course you’re a pain in my ass!” She pulled me into her arms, “You’re my little sister, you’re meant to be a pain in my ass. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop loving you, Faith. Doesn’t mean I would ever stop trying to find you. You’re my blood, you and Char are my reasons for being. I love you guys. I will always love you guys.”
I reached for my sister and we hugged and cried some more. Marlin stayed nearby, and eventually, quietly, disappeared into the kitchen right around the corner to fix a meal. My body still wasn’t fully cooperating. I felt run down, fatigued, hollow and empty. The bathroom was still where I found myself spending the majority of my time, with the bedroom and bed a close second.
We ate, quietly, and I disappeared into the bathroom swiftly, though it was becoming less awful and less frequent. Although the less awful part could be because I was growing used to it. That was a depressing thought.
Twilight deepened into night and a knock fell on the big house’s front door. Marlin went to get it, and the man from the house in New Orleans, the one who’d been yelling, followed Marlin back to where Hope and I were sitting together. I frowned. I remembered more of him now. I remembered… I closed my eyes and tried to grasp it.
“You okay, Firefly?” his voice was rich and familiar and I placed it, what he called me.
“We’ve talked before, here in this room, right?” I asked softly.
“Yeah, we did.” He nodded and everything rushed back to me, like a rogue wave coming further up the beach than expected. I couldn’t place his name, or who he was, I just remembered that he was somehow important. Important to Marlin.
“Faith?” Hope asked; voice tinged with alarm.
“It’s hard to remember things. I remember him at the house, back in New Orleans. I remember him yelling, right before Marlin came, and I remember we talked here… but I can’t remember your name. I’m sorry.”
The man smiled kindly and put his hands over the back of the couch, letting them fall in a familiar touch to my sister’s shoulders, kneading them gently. Her posture which had been stiff, eased under the gentle prying of his fingers and it looked like it felt really good. Soothing.
“Name’s Cutter, I’m the President, or as we call it, Captain, of The Kraken motorcycle club. This is my house, Honey, and you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need to.” He fell silent and his warm brown eyes roved me over, taking me in. I shifted a bit uncomfortably under the scrutiny, it was almost an echo of the way the men who, well… paid for me, looked at me when they were choosing between girls.
“Feel like you’re gettin’ better? In a physical sense, I mean.” I jumped, his voice wasn’t loud, just unexpected in the creeping silence.
I nodded and tried a tremulous smile, “Yes, thank you for letting me stay here.” I twisted in my seat, “And thank you for taking care of me.” I directed the last at Marlin who was leaning a shoulder against the wall, arms crossed over his muscular chest. He wore faded jeans today, and scuffed motorcycle boots, which he had crossed at the ankle on the gleaming hardwood floors. He nodded, carefully, a tension around his summer sky blue eyes. I swallowed hard, a bit nervously.
“Well, I just came by to pick Hope up, we’re headed back to the Mysteria Avenge; you need anything from the Scarlett Ann?” I twisted back, but Cutter was looking over my head at Marlin.
“No
thanks, Cap. I’m good.”
“You want me to come over tomorrow?” Hope asked, her brow was furrowed and she shook my hands gently back and forth in her own. I nodded and my sister smiled. She used her free hand to push my hair back from my face and behind my ear, like she’d done when I was a child. The memory of such a long ago and innocent time made my eyes water.
“You want me to stay tonight?” she asked, and I took a deep breath and held it, I did. I really did, but I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I didn’t want to be a weight on my sister’s shoulders, so I shook my head.
She leaned across our laps and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and sighed and she got up, and let Cutter guide her around the end of the couch.
“You need anything, anything at all, you call me. Okay? Marlin has the number.”
“Yes, Mom.” I cracked weakly and rolled my eyes slightly. My sister stilled and roved my face with an unreadable look.
“I love you, Bubbles,” she said finally.
“I love you, too, Buttercup.” I sniffed and gave her the best smile I could and her expression swirled with something akin to pity. It was okay though, I mean, I was pretty pitiful at this point.
“You’re gonna be okay, Firefly.” Cutter’s tone was judicious and he nodded once. Marlin saw them out, letting out a hard, long sigh the moment the door was shut tight behind them. Guilt twisted the center of my chest into a knot, so hard I placed my hand over my breast. Marlin’s broad back was to me, his head hanging low, bowed with exhaustion. He paused for a long moment before his hand slipped from the door handle with a slight rattle. He turned in my direction and searched my face from across the room.
“Aren’t you going to lock it?” I asked nervously.