by A. J. Downey
“Ready to take a slice out of life, Baby Girl?”
I nodded mutely, and knew my eyes were wide. Marlin chuckled and opened the front door for me, ushering me outside. His bike sat in the circular drive at the bottom of the wide, gentle front steps. The porch light gleaming softly along all the chrome and glossy black paint.
“Faith,” he murmured softly and I tipped my head in his direction to acknowledge I heard, but I couldn’t tear my eyes from the imposing yet beautiful machine.
“Faith, Honey. I need you to look at me. I need to know you’re hearin’ what I need to tell you.”
I managed to tear my eyes free and look at him this time. He smiled and spoke sure and firm, telling me what he needed me to do as a passenger. How to lean with and not against, how to relax and go with things and to try not to remain stiff. I nodded carefully and he put a helmet on my head, adjusting the straps to keep it secure.
“Don’t you need one?” I asked softly and he chuckled.
“I got the required amount of health insurance and such, you don’t. Don’t worry, I won’t be ridin’ dirty.” He finished his sentence by pulling out a set of clear safety lenses from his saddle bag. Straightening he slipped them, gently and oh so carefully, over my eyes. With a last roguish smile, he swung a leg over and settled on the back of the machine. I took a deep breath. It was now or never, right?
“Get on up here, and hang on to me,” he said helping me up behind him. I settled against his back and bit my lower lip apprehensively. I didn’t think it would ever feel right having a man between my legs again, but this? This wasn’t awful. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I tried really hard not to think too hard about it while he put on a pair of safety glasses of his own. That accomplished, he fired up the motorcycle. I couldn’t help it; I jumped at the sudden noise.
“Hold on to me,” he ordered again, loudly over the rumble of the engine. I settled closer to him, placing my arms around his tight waist.
“Here we go!” he called and he let out the clutch and pulled us around the driveway smoothly and out onto the street.
He went slowly at first, then picked up speed. I closed my eyes and freed one hand just long enough to turn up the music in my head. When I returned my arms around Marlin’s waist, he poured on the speed and I found myself clinging to him just a little bit tighter.
The wind streamed across us both and carried our troubles far off behind us for the time being. For now, it was simply me, Marlin, the machine throbbing beneath us and the miles dissipating beneath the wheels. I couldn’t believe I had never done this before! The sensation was like no other. Freeing, in so many ways. We rode for, I don’t know, an hour? Maybe more? Until he pulled down this road and that, and the salty, briny smell of the ocean gave way to the heavier, earthier smell of what I presumed were the everglades.
Eventually, he pulled along a lonely lane and rolled us gently to a stop, putting down the kickstand and leaning the heavy bike onto it.
I had no idea where we were, but it didn’t matter, because deep down inside, I knew I was safe. I was always safe with Marlin.
Chapter 11
Marlin
I was stiff in more ways than one, and I needed to get up and walk it off. I needed a break from the beach every now and again, and so I came out here to some of these farm access roads near the ‘Glades and some of the orange orchards for a change of pace.
I looked back over my shoulder at Faith’s too-pale face in the moonlight and put a damper on the sigh that tried to escape me as I shut off the bike so she could hear me. She woodenly pulled back her arms from around my waist and the stiffness I mentioned before? Yeah, it damn near became unbearable.
“Sorry, Baby Girl, I just ain’t what I used to be. I’m stiffening up from earlier and I need to walk. I should have said something before pullin’ off in what looks like the middle of fuckin’ nowhere.”
“Isn’t it?” she asked.
“Isn’t what?”
She gestured around us, “The middle of nowhere.”
“Naw, my buddy growin’ up all through school, this is his farm.” I smiled reassuringly and heaved myself to my feet, helping her down off my bike.
“You’re safe with me, Faith. You ain’t ever gotta wonder, or question that,” I said and popped the helmet off her head.
“I should know that,” she murmured and I could hear the frustration in her voice, “I do know that, it’s just…”
I plucked the safety glasses off her face and tried not to think too hard about how soft her skin was where my fingertips grazed.
“You’re good, I get it. I figure after as long,” I didn’t want to say it out loud, so I just skipped over it, “…anybody bein’ around that would be the same. You just do you, Baby Girl. You just do you.”
She nodded and hugged herself tight, even though it was as far from cold as you could get out here. I figured I should warn her I was gonna pull a blanket out for us to sit on, so I did.
“Got a blanket to lay down to sit on, I figured we could walk out a ways and lay it out on one of the tracks. Good night for some stargazing, and it’ll give me a chance to loosen up some for the ride back to the Captain’s. You good with that?”
She nodded carefully and was bein’ so fuckin’ brave. She didn’t remember half the shit she went through during the worst of the withdrawals. I know she didn’t, so while bein’ around her was familiar for me, bein’ around me must have still felt pretty new, and me bein’ a dude besides? I’m surprised she wasn’t begging me to take her back right this minute, which I would have if she’d asked.
She tucked herself as close to my side as she was comfortable with, as I set out walkin’ down one of the side tracks along the neat row of orange trees. I’d done some growin’ up around these groves myself. Wasn’t until our mid-teens that my folks moved us out closer to the water, when Dad was closer to retirement. I found myself telling Faith all about it, as much to fill the silence as to startle any wildlife into getting the fuck outa dodge while we were there.
Faith listened, surprising enough. She’d put her headphones away and walked, shoulder mere inches from my arm. I laid out the blanket over the dirt and sat down, laying back. It was a big thing, and I was surprised Faith lay out next to me. A healthy distance between us, studiously not touching, which who could blame her?
“What about you?”
She startled a little bit and replied softly, “What about me?”
“How’d you grow up?”
“With Hope. After our mother died, it was all Hope and our grandmother,” she sighed, “I was nothing but a pain in the ass,” she said and I could hear the weight of sorrow, almost taste the regret on the air.
I stared at the star scatter above us as the silence back filled in, like when you dug a sandcastle on the beach, and you watched the sand trickle back down and the water filled the hole, steadily… it was a lot like that. She lay beside me in silent reflection, and when I glanced over, tears slicked from those luminous eyes of hers down her temples.
“Hey,” I said softly, but she just closed her eyes and covered her mouth with her hand.
“Hey, hey, hey; none of that, come on now.” I couldn’t help it, my arm snaked out and surprisingly, she rolled, and tucked herself into my side, taking the comfort that was on offer. The weight of her head on my shoulder felt incredibly good, and the way the slight curve of her body fit against mine? Well, it felt like two puzzle pieces coming together.
I knew right then and there, that it might be impossible in the here and now, but that I would be keeping my options open for the future. It might be a long fuckin’ haul, but someday, when Faith was as close to whole again as we could get her, I wanted to visit the possibility of an ‘us.’
It wasn’t just the attraction, it was more than that. I think, on a deep, fundamental level, she understood the kind of guilt I carried over Danny. She felt something akin to it, even though there was no reason for it. We’d all exhibited a wild streak in
our younger days to some extent. There wasn’t anything unusual about that. We’d all, at one time or another, done some stupid shit to hurt or disappoint the ones closest to us. It was a fact of life. It was part of the learning curve, but in that moment, it snapped together and became clear, one of Faith’s issues.
“Wasn’t your fault, Baby Girl; none of it was your fault,” I soothed and knew it was inadequate. That as much as I could, and would say it, she couldn’t and wouldn’t believe me. Not with her trust shattered into a million pieces so fine, that they were blowing away like sand up a beach. All I could so was lay there and comfort her with what amounted to nothing more than a bunch of meaningless bullshit.
I hoped like hell, that if she couldn’t believe in me, or her sister, that maybe the chick with a professional license would help with it somehow. I knew it was backwards, and didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but sometimes it took an outside source like that to open a person’s eyes to the possibilities right in front of them.
The next time I opened my eyes was when a rough boot kicked my own. Faith startled and let out a terrified yip, crab walking her way off the top of our blanket. I glared up at my buddy, Bobby, who owned his family farm.
“What the fuck you doin’ on my land, Boy?” he demanded, gun in hand and pointed at us and Faith – fuck – she didn’t know.
“Put that fuckin’ thing away, Bobby!” I snarled and rolled, groaning onto my knees, putting myself between my buddy and the girl I was pretty sure I had it bad for.
“Easy, Baby Girl. Bobby’s just foolin’, he’s a friend of mine from way back. This is his farm.”
“Oh, shit, yeah, I’m sorry. Didn’t know she was that sensitive, dude. Why didn’t you call or leave a message you were gonna be here?”
“Didn’t expect to be here, we must have fell asleep.”
Faith was nodding her head rapidly, eyes wide but tear free, “We’re sorry!” she blurted.
“Hell, it ain’t no thing. Why don’t y’all come up to the house for some breakfast?”
I opened my mouth to answer him but my phone started going off, shrill in my pocket and buzzing up a storm. I rolled onto my feet and crammed my mitt into the front pocket of my jeans, fishing the damn thing out.
Uh-oh. That was Hope’s number. I held up a finger to Bobby and Faith, and answered it.
“Hello?”
“Where the fuck is my sister!?” Hope’s voice blasted out of the earpiece. I held the phone away from my head and watched Faith’s face pale.
“Relax, Sweetheart, we went for a midnight ride –”
“Did you forget she has that appointment? Really, Marlin? Are you for fucking real!? She has to be there in an hour!”
“Calm your tits, Princess!” I snarled into the phone.
“We’re closer to her appointment than Ft. Royal is, at a buddy of mine’s place. I can have her there inside a half an hour.” Thank fuck we wouldn’t be late. I thought to myself.
Hope started railing and I winked at Faith who was positively ashen, but starting to smile at the funny faces I was making at her sister’s diatribe.
“Okay, Hope. We’ll see you when we get back. Bye-bye now, Honey,” I said, talking right over her squawking, before I ended the call altogether by hanging up on her.
Bobby started laughing and I turned to him, “Sorry about crashing in your field,” I held out a hand and he grasped it, pulling me into a hug.
“Ain’t the first time I’ve found you out here, it is the first time I’ve found you out here with a girl, though,” he said, eyeing Faith speculatively.
“Yeah, about that, Faith, this is my buddy Bobby, Bobby meet Faith, I been helping her out with some things.” I mumbled lamely and I saw Faith’s face shutter, just close up like folks shutting down the town when the big bad goes walkin’ down the main street. Fuck. I needed some fuckin’ coffee.
“Look man, I would take you up on breakfast, but we got some place we gotta be, and probably just enough time to hit a drive through and eat in the parking lot.”
“I hear you. It’s been a while, Man. Y’all should come back for a proper visit soon.”
“Yeah, what about you?” I asked, bending to retrieve my blanket off the ground, wadding it, leaf litter and all into a bundle I could shove it in my saddle bags. I thrust my chin in the direction where I’d parked the bike and Faith fell into step on my one side, Bobby on the other, his rifle resting nonchalantly on his shoulder.
“What about me?”
“When was the last time you came out my direction, Boy?”
“You got me there, I could use a day on the water with some beer and some fishin’.”
“Sounds good, you know how to hit me up.”
“That I do,” he stuck out his hand and I shook it, and then he stuck out his hand to Faith, who shied back and quickly grasped his fingers before letting go, equally quick.
“Nice to meet you, Faith.” Bobby tipped his red trucker hat at her and turned, walking back the way he’d come after shooting me a look that clearly read he’d be hittin’ me up sooner rather than later. Fine by me, we had to go.
“Ready, Baby Girl?” I asked her. She nodded rapidly, and I shoved the blanket back in my saddle bag while she donned my helmet and safety glasses I’d left on the seat for her.
We rode through a coffee stand and drank it in the parking lot, she barely picked at her pastry I’d bought to go along with it, but she put enough of it down to satisfy me. It was just to hold her until we got back to Ft. Royal.
I drove her over to the office building that the good doctor had her set up in and sat back against the bike, pulling out a cigarette.
“Aren’t you going in with me?” she asked softly.
“Nope.”
She frowned slightly, “Why not?”
“This is all you, Baby Girl. I’m not here to make you do nothin’. You asked me to drive you to your appointment and I’ve done that. The rest is on you. No one but you can make the decision to go in there, to get better. We can help you here and there, but this part of the journey is all yours.” She stared at me, her aquamarine eyes wide and fuckin’ stunning in the bright sunshine.
“You won’t even come into the waiting room?” she asked.
“Nope, this place, this time, it’s all yours. I’ll be right here waiting for you to come out.” I watched her chew her bottom lip in apprehension and smiled. Of course, that must be it. I pulled my keys to the bike out of my pocket and up ended her hand, dropping them in. I curled her fingers around them and said, “I promise, and you can count on that, alright?”
She stared at the keys, at her hand resting in my palm, and I took it away. She looked up at me solemn, but a big chunk of the anxiety that’d been in her face the moment before was gone. She took a deep, deep breath and handed me the keys back.
“I believe you, Marlin,” she said quietly and I smiled.
“Glad to hear it, Baby Girl.” And with one last lingering look over her shoulder she went into the building.
Chapter 12
Faith
I’d been quiet when I’d come out of the office, and on the ride back to the house. I’d had a lot to think about. I still had a lot to think about. Dr. Shiendland had been quiet and attentive, had listened and asked questions, and I was surprised to find that it was easy to talk to her. We’d talked about the boy, about his gift of the leather wristband and why I couldn’t stop thinking about him, but I found myself extremely reluctant to talk about Marlin, so I simply hadn’t brought him up.
When we arrived back at the house, Hope and Cutter were waiting on the front steps, my sister was agitated, bouncing in place, Cutter’s hand on her shoulders as if he were the only thing holding her in place, and that very well could be. When we pulled up, I half expected it to fly out of her mouth how sick and tired she was about me being so irresponsible, but instead, she flew forward and wrapped me in a hug so tight, I thought she’d break me.
“Are you okay?” she asked, and al
l I could manage to do was nod. Cutter winked at me from behind her and I felt a faint answering smile.
“Jesus Christ, Hope. You wanna let her off the bike?” Marlin asked in front of me.
“Don’t even get me started with you!” Hope snapped and I swallowed hard, there was my sister. Corporal Badass, as Charity and I liked to call her behind her back. Thinking of Charity immediately brought guilt and shame rushing to the surface. I hadn’t spoken to her yet. I hadn’t been ready, but I was out of excuses and I couldn’t hide from her forever.
“I’d like to call Charity now, if it’s alright.”
Hope leaned back abruptly and searched my face, hers full of apprehension. Whatever she saw on my own smoothed it out and I wondered, not for the first time, what kind of horrible my sister thought I was going to do, what she thought I was up to. I kept silent, didn’t try to argue with her, or snap at her. What was the use? Hope was always going to look at me and see the worst parts of me. The only difference was, now, when I looked in the mirror; that was all I saw too.
I felt guilty, keeping Charity away, not speaking to the sister who always and forever only saw the good in me. Dr. Sheindland had asked me a question about that. Then followed up with an open ended, ambiguous one that left me reeling and feeling three inches tall.
Don’t you think your sister needs to hear from you? That she isn’t sitting in agonized wonder?
“Sure, yeah, okay, Bubbles.”
I let my older sister lead me into the house, glancing back over my shoulder at Marlin, still astride his motorcycle. His expression was unreadable, as he looked me over and watched me go. I wondered what it was he was thinking as we moved from his sight, and if he still stared after me as much as I did after him, still looking over my shoulder long after we passed from his sight.
“You okay, Bubbles?” I startled and looked at my sister, and felt my eyes were a little wide. She stopped us and turned me to look at her.