by A. J. Downey
“It was a clean slice, not too deep, you should be good to take off the bandage and put a new one on tomorrow.”
“Thank you again, Nothing.”
“Don’t mention it,” he said, then as an aside, “You look good.”
“Thank you,” I murmured again, and with a look to my sister, jerked my head towards the sliding glass door. She nodded and I slipped out into the bright sun, the heat a shock after the air conditioned coolness of the house.
I turned to slide the door shut, but Marlin loomed in its frame. I nodded and made to slip down the back steps and into the sand. I nearly missed it when Marlin followed.
“How’ve you been doing?” he asked me.
I swallowed and tried to find my voice, “It’s only been a few days, I don’t really know how to answer that.”
“Fair enough.”
He walked along with me and I hugged myself protectively. Finally, I turned and looked at him plainly.
“Why are you here?”
“To have dinner with my brothers.”
“I mean, here, now…”
“You lost some blood, making sure you’re not woozy.”
“I’m not woozy.”
“Okay.”
I stopped my slow march towards the sea completely and cleared my throat.
“You know I’m here if you need me, Faith.”
“I… I gather. I just, need some space.”
“I can respect that, Baby Girl, I just needed to say…” he looked me up and down and after a span of time murmured, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“You didn’t,” I protested, but it was already too late, he was making long strides back toward the house and I couldn’t help myself. I continued my slow progressive march towards the sea for that sensation of being carried away.
Chapter 17
Marlin
This was fucking stupid. Probably the dumbest thing I’d ever done, but I couldn’t fucking help myself. I was sitting on my bike, outside Faith’s shrink’s office smoking a cigarette. Only Faith wasn’t with me. She wasn’t inside either. I was here by myself to talk to the good doctor, and maybe get an answer or two. See? Fucking stupid. A violation of Faith’s privacy, for sure, but I couldn’t fucking help myself. Not after talking to the Captain, not after Hope…
I looked up sharply as the door opened and stood up, dropping my cigarette to the ground and grinding it out under my boot. She walked right up to me which surprised me, and I half wondered if the cops were on their way.
“She doesn’t know that I’ve seen you bring her here, but I assume you’re here about Faith?”
She was a grand lady; older and reminded me of that dame in the double-oh-seven Bond flicks. The newer ones with that badass that plays him with two first names. Daniel something. Only reason I could remember that much was because of my little brother having the same first name.
“Doctor Shiendland?” I asked, just to be clear.
She smiled sweetly, comfortingly and said, “The one and only; now what can I do for you…”
“Marlin.” Her eyebrows went up and she nodded.
“What can I do for you, Marlin?”
I frowned, “You don’t know who I am?”
“No.” She smiled again and waited patiently.
“You can’t tell me why you told her she shouldn’t see me anymore?”
“I can’t tell you anything about my sessions with Faith. Mental health professionals, such as myself, are bound by a code of ethics, confidentiality chief among them. You seem like a very smart man, however, so might I ask, if I know nothing about you…”
“You didn’t. How could you, if you don’t know who I am?” I bowed my head and nodded to myself. Faith had lied. I wondered why.
“Let’s talk about you, my dear boy. Walk an old woman to her car.” Without missing a beat, she linked her arm through mine and gestured across the lot to a newer Nissan. What could I do but oblige her?
I turned with her on my arm and started the slow walk across the lot, asking, “What about me?”
“You must care for her a great deal to come all the way out here.”
“Yeah, yeah I do.”
“If I may?” I nodded, curious as to what she had to say, she stopped us up short and sighed, “It has been my experience with victims of human trafficking; that they hide their true feelings away, deeply, as these feelings are the one and only thing that these traffickers can’t take from them. Now, of course, I am purely speaking from years of experience but I am sure you can draw inferences, no?”
I listened, rapt and searched the doctor’s face, understanding dawning…
“Right. The more you care about it, the less you talk about it. The less you care, the more you talk, something like that?”
She patted my arm and beamed me a huge smile, “I can tell you care very deeply for Faith, and I can honestly say I have never met you or heard anything about you from anyone, ever before.”
“You like her.” I said smiling.
“Oh,” she laughed, “I like all of my patients,” she said with a wink and pressed the button on her key fob to unlock her car doors. I opened her door for her because I both liked and respected the woman. I was glad Faith was in her care.
“I shall see you on Tuesday,” she said and I smiled, nodding and shut the door.
“See you on Tuesday, Doc.” I called through the glass and shot the dame a salute. She smiled and pushed the button to start her car. I made strides back to my bike and settled on some wind therapy and some solid time to think. I ended up back at the marina, a bunch of the guys walking to and from the parking lot taking coolers down to the beach for the bonfire that night.
Spring break was in full swing in the little town me and the boys called home, so there more than a few fuckin’ douchebags taking up the parking down at the marina where they didn’t fuckin’ belong. I wasn’t about to chance having to whoop some guy’s ass for touching my bike, so I went straight for the line of cinderblock garages.
When she was safely stored, I made a beeline for my boat to change into some more comfortable beach wear versus my hot as fuck riding leathers. I grabbed my guitar almost as an afterthought on my way back out and down to the beach.
“Hey, Marlin! What’s up?” Radar called. Lightning straightened up from the cooler he was setting down by our pile of wood. I eyed our road captain, Pyro, doing his thing building his latest and greatest conflagration. It was a constant argument between him and Lighting on whether the pyramid or log cabin formation was more fuel efficient or which burned hotter or some shit. Me? I said, fuck it. Make a pile of wood and burn it. The one time I’d voiced my opinion aloud, both of those dumb motherfuckers had looked at me like I was bat-shit or something and had gone back to arguing. I hadn’t put in my two cents since; all I could do was shake my fuckin’ head when they started in together.
I set my guitar down against a washed up log we used as a backrest sometimes, until the next big storm took it out or relocated it on us. No one would fuck with it, but just in case, I looked around for Trike, our prospect. He caught my eye and I signed him the directive to keep an eye on it. He nodded and waved me off and I started lookin’ for who I really wanted to see, and sure as shit, there she was, standing in the surf, aquamarine eyes distant and staring over the water.
“Hey,” Hope called and came up next to me. She shaded her eyes with her arm which was, thankfully, cast free.
“Finally got that thing off huh?”
“Yeah, yesterday. I seriously need to work on my tan lines now.”
It’d been a couple of weeks since dinner at the Captain’s house and from what he and Hope told me, the nightmares were tearing my girl up.
“How was last night?”
“Bad.”
“Saw her doctor today.”
“Yeah?”
“Didn’t know a thing about me.”
“I figured as much.”
“Not pissed at me?”
“You�
��re trying to help her; I don’t know what to do. I can’t do anything. I just want the screaming to stop…”
“Yeah, me too.”
Hope patted me on the arm and I looked over at her. She had this clouded look of helplessness on her face, and a look like I was her only fuckin’ hope.
“I can’t punch it in the face, I’m kind of fuckin’ useless,” she said and shrugged.
“Well, if there’s a threat you can punch in the face, you’d still have to beat me to it.”
“Game on,” she said.
I laughed, and watched Faith from afar, as she dipped her toes in the surf and wandered aimlessly back and forth in the water in her shorts and bikini top, hugging her swim suit cover up around her shoulders like it was fuckin’ freezing out here, when the temp was in the high eighties or low nineties.
She looked lost, but at the same time, physically she looked healthier. She’d put some weight on her; I could see it from here. Her bones no longer stood out prominently against her skin, and she’d tanned up some, too I ground my teeth a bit when a couple of college dudes turned their heads as they went by, but Faith, thankfully, was oblivious to it.
I went to help some of the guys out getting the grill started and food cooking, but my gaze never wandered off of Faith for very long. I wanted to keep her safe, she needed to feel safe. She deserved that and much more, and I was in a place now, and I was beginning to think she was too, where I needed to take a more active role in her life again. This bystander bullshit was for the fucking birds.
“Heads up, Brother. Here she comes.” I looked up at Nothing and then back the way of the water, and sure enough here she came. So fuckin’ beautiful it made the center of my chest tight, although to some extent, I was betting that had more to do with the fucking tragedy of it all.
“How you doing, Baby Girl?” I asked her when she came up.
“Fine,” she lied. I smiled and let her get away with it.
“Good to hear.”
I fixed her a plate and had Trike pass it to her, she smiled at the prospect and thanked him for it and sat down between Hossler and my guitar. I turned back to the grill and did up some more meat, wondering how I’d managed to get drafted into grill master in the shuffle of things. Not like I minded. It was fresh caught fish on the menu tonight, and I had to head back to the Scarlett Ann when the shindig was over. Johnny and I had to shove off early the next morning to make a killing off some spring breakers. It was our busy season, and we’d spent the majority of the week on the water. So much so, that Cutter had to take Faith to her first appointment this week. The first one I’d missed. I had to chuckle when she’d come out and asked what I was doing the first time after our little… hell, I don’t know what you would call it. I guess ‘break up’ is as apt a description as any.
Truthfully, Hope and I had argued about that one. I’d told her I’d given her sister my word on it and that was it, I was taking her. The Captain had to talk his woman down because she and I were about to get into a solid scrap over it. I damn sure would have still won. If taking Faith to her appointments was the one thing I could hold onto, then I damn sure was going to grab onto it with both hands. You could pry it from them when they were cold and dead.
I went and sat down beside my guitar and Faith startled, looking from it to me with a frown. I smiled like the damned Cheshire cat and she rolled her eyes, turning back to Hossler. Hossler laughed at me and gave me an acknowledging nod and I just shook my head. By now I was pretty sure Faith had somehow gotten it into her head that I didn’t want her, which was just plain stupid and ridiculous seeing as she was all I could ever fucking think about.
I sighed inwardly and ate my fuckin’ food, watchin’ the sun set over the water and the bonfires start up along the beach. Pyro had gotten ours going and it was already throwing off that good campfire smell that I loved almost as much as the salt in the wind as we cut across the water.
Faith got up and went over to her sister, across the fire who was doing a shot with the Captain. She knelt by her sister and they laughed about something. I didn’t hear, or care what. It just did my heart some fucking good to see Faith smile.
I set aside my plate, and Hossler took it, bringing me a beer and gesturing with hers toward my guitar.
“Play something for us,” she bossed and I smiled. I picked up the instrument and settled it across my lap. Faith had perked up some, in interest and I shot her a bit of a roguish grin and plucked out a random scale to make sure everything was tuned up enough. Satisfied, I plucked out the first few notes of her song, Hope Never Dies. Her eyes went real wide and I smiled, I think it really flipped her switch when I started to sing it.
She stood slowly, those gorgeous gemstone eyes fixed on me and I didn’t even try to hide it, or pretend. I sang my girl her favorite song and said with every bit of me, I’m right here if you need me. I haven’t gone anywhere.
Her eyes welled and she turned away from me, to the ocean crashing on the shore down the beach, as if it were calling her just as surely, but I didn’t quit. Even when she walked away to get a grip. Hope made to stand up, but the Captain pulled her down into his lap. I caught this in my periphery, because my gaze was locked solid on Faith, as she moved wraith like through the sand, a beautiful dream.
Chapter 18
Faith
I could feel him watching me, even from way down by the water and I could feel my muscles relax, minutely. I cursed myself for being so damn weak that he could still make me feel so safe, just by the weight of his gaze. I looked at the fading pink scar on my finger and sighed. Was it strange that I almost treasured the thin scar now? As much as it had bled, it was also the last time Marlin had touched me, and countless times in the weeks since, I have closed my eyes and remembered the warmth of his calloused fingers around my own.
God, I must be pathetic.
I looked back and there he was, standing in his cargo shorts and motorcycle vest, barefoot in the sand beside where the rest of the club’s men set up the grill and coolers. Pyro and Lightning had been amassing and walking circles around the pile of wood meant for the fire for the better part of an hour now, and I had to smile.
“Whoa! Sorry.”
I bent and picked up the plastic disc that had landed by my feet up from the surf and held it out to the man my age it had gotten away from. I forced a smile that felt timid and handed it back to him. He smiled and took it.
“Pretty eyes,” he remarked and I was suffused by a bit of glow from the compliment.
“Thank you,” I murmured and he jogged backwards to his friends.
I checked back towards our camp, for lack of a better word, but Marlin had relocated a few steps away, where he was now manning the grill.
“You coming, Faith?” Hossler asked as she jogged, near breathless, out of the surf.
“Yeah, I’ll be right there.”
I soaked up some of the sun’s last rays for a few minutes more before trudging my way up the beach towards the friendly club gathering.
I know he watched me. He was always watching, it seemed. There were nights I woke up screaming and after Hope and Cutter had gone from my new, smaller and more comfortable room, I would sit by the window. I could see him smoking, the orange glow from his cigarette unmistakable, despite how he parked under the shadows beneath the trees at the start of the drive. You would think I would find it creepy, or overbearing, but it was neither of those things. Not from him, not from Marlin.
I also knew my sister and Cutter filled him in regularly on my progress, and he still drove me to my appointments with Dr. Shiendland. I had put up a fuss. They didn’t need to know the tears were of relief, rather than anger. I liked riding with Marlin. The wind and the sound of the engine drowned everything out into a comforting blur and hum of sight and sound that had quite the lulling effect. Everything was simple on the back of the bike. Everything was about being in tune with the man in front of me and the machine beneath me. I could appreciate the simple complexity of i
t all coming together until my mind was a pleasant, quiet space… at least until Dr. Shiendland went digging around in it. But that was what the trip back was for. Just enough to get me through until I could stand in the water where the sand met the sea. Until the water could wash all my horrible sins out to the depths and I could find my calm again.
The tranquility of the ride and of standing at the water’s edge had replaced the drugs. It was my new, much less effective, high. Bar none, it was far better for me, both body and soul.
I made my way back up the beach and accepted a plate of food from the club’s prospect. My sister, Hope, had explained it to me, and Hossler too, but I still found it to be confusing. It was almost barbaric in a way, how simplistic these men led their lives, but in that simplicity there was such beauty too. It was far less confusing when you knew your place, and almost familiar in a way. The structure, I mean. It wasn’t threatening, but knowing your role and what was expected of you was… refreshing. I was sick and tired of the unknown.
“Hey, Girl! Have a sit.” I sat down between Hossler and an abandoned guitar.
“Who plays?” I asked quietly but before Hossler could answer, Marlin took the seat.
We ate quietly, the sun dipping ever lower until it vanished below the horizon. I didn’t see the green flash that Cutter had pointed out to me one night, but I was probably at the wrong angle for it.
The fires were lit and starting to catch, and Hossler turned to Marlin, “Play something for us,” she urged and he smiled at me. I got up and went over to my sister who was laughing in Cutter’s arms when the first notes of Hope Never Dies, drifted over the fire. I froze and turned, standing slowly, making eye contact with Marlin over the flames. When he opened his mouth and started to sing. It was like I couldn’t move, like I was just frozen in place. I couldn’t be sure, my eyes glued to Marlin as they were, but I think my sister was smiling.
I felt the sting of tears as my favorite song drifted to me, in that voice that had comforted me, cheered me, as the man who had seen me at nothing but my worst sang it to me. I was overwhelmed, overjoyed, and at the same time felt myself sink into one of my lowest lows all at once. I couldn’t believe he had learned the song. That he sat there singing it to me in front of all these people like he hadn’t just cracked open my chest in front of them all and touched the deepest, most private parts of me.