His Wounded Light

by Christine Brae

  No one looked surprised. I said it so matter-of-factly that it came out as if I was just discussing my day with them.

  “Son, she’s already engaged to be married,” my father reminded me. His kind eyes penetrated mine and I felt the empathy he had for what I was going through.

  “I know, Pops. I’m going to propose to her now, before she walks down that aisle.”

  Silence.

  And then extreme surprise when my entire family, sisters included, began clapping wildly, cheering me on. My mouth turned up into a smile. Never in my life had I felt so much support for something that was so hopeless. Or hopeful.

  “When are you going to look for the ring?” my younger sister asked.

  “Tomorrow. I have the funds, so I can buy something right away. Would you like to come and help me choose one, Kerry?” I dotingly placed my arm around my sister. She loved Isabel so much.

  The woman that I loved spent many afternoons here helping my sisters with their homework and keeping my parents company while I was at my Student Council meetings. She was a special part of our family for seven years.

  “Yes! Can we go after school?” she asked excitedly as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

  “I’ll pick you and Mama up tomorrow afternoon. I have a ring in mind. I’ll make the calls tomorrow morning.”

  And the rest shall I say, is history.

  After the incident with the gifts, Isa hardly went to work. I waited for her in the evenings, hoping to be able to speak to her, but I was told that she had taken a leave of absence in preparation for her wedding. Her security detail was also ramped up. That fuckhead Ailey had a bodyguard with her every minute of every day, so there was an entourage of followers wherever she went. I couldn’t get to her; my calls to her sisters were left unanswered.

  I was running out of time. The wedding was mentioned in all the society pages of the national newspapers. Everywhere I turned, there was talk about her bridesmaids, her sponsors, her dress, the upcoming guests, etcetera ad nauseam. I even tried to contact her old friends from high school, people in the bridal party, asking them for help. No one called me back. I was inconsolable; I drank myself into unconsciousness most nights during the three weeks leading up to her wedding. Nothing in my life made any sense. I had to get to her sisters, no matter what the cost. I was committed to this mission even if it meant sitting outside in my car to wait for a chance to see her.

  I arrived outside her house a little past five in the afternoon the Friday before the wedding, knowing that they would have to leave for the dinner soon. Her mother’s house was located on a main street right across from the high school that she attended. Some event was going on at the school that allowed me to park in relative obscurity among the many other cars lined up along the sidewalk. I sat in my car and occupied myself with music and a book, waiting for them to appear. I was so paranoid that I would miss her, so keeping my attention on a book wasn’t really a good idea for this purpose.

  One hour later, I watched as all four sisters walked up the elevated driveway towards their waiting cars. There she was, standing out among them. A vision of perfection. Her hair—I didn’t think I’d ever seen it like that—scooped up in the back, exposing her delicate neck, making my fingers ache to touch her. I don’t know much about fashion, but the dress she was wearing did nothing to hide her exquisite waist and slim figure. The color of the dress—dark blue—certainly reflected the way I felt about losing her. For a few seconds, she stood there, anxiously eyeing the parked cars at the school, like she was looking for something. Someone. Me? Before I could react properly, she was gone. Gone and on the way to be delivered to her future husband.

  My resolve to wait for her grew even stronger. I managed to get out of my car and sit by the sidewalk in front of their house for three long hours. Sitting. Waiting. Thinking of all the things I was going to say to her. I looked up just in time to see a heavily tinted black Mercedes pull up by the gate. I ran towards the moving vehicle as security tried to block me from it. Evie and Alicia emerged from the car from opposite doors. They too, looked beautiful. I hadn’t really noticed them when they left earlier, and it had been a while since we’d talked to each other. A wistfulness washed over me as I stood there waiting for them to say something.

  Evie gestured with her hand for the guard to stand back. “It’s okay, Mauricio. Have the car pull in; we’ll be out here for just a few minutes.”

  Alicia rounded the corner and embraced me. “You look like shit. When was the last time you took a shower?”

  “You’d stink too if you sat in your car all day,” I barked, then caught myself. “Sorry.”

  “Sit,” Evie instructed as she lead us towards the benches in the front yard. “Why are you here, Jesse?”

  “I need to talk to her. Where is she?”

  “She’s with Alex, Jesse. It is their rehearsal dinner, after all. What do you need to talk to her about? Her wedding is in two days, for heaven’s sake!” Evie attempted to mock me despite the sad expression on her face.

  “I’ve been calling you both, but you never return my calls.”

  “You can’t make us choose sides in this. If you push me to make a choice, I will support my sister. No matter how long you and I have had a friendship,” Alicia lashed out. “Jesse, it’s over. It’s too late. What’s the point of all this? She’s happy and she wants to marry him.”

  I flew off the bench and kicked the side table next to it, causing it to topple over and roll around on its side. The security guard immediately ran over to check out the commotion, but Alicia signaled for him to wait. She wasn’t afraid of me.

  “I love her. I’ve loved her longer. I’m going to marry her. This is fucking ridiculous! How can she commit to a lifetime with another man when I’m all she’s ever known and loved? She’s doing this because she wants someone, anyone, to take her away from her past. She just wants to get away from all this.”

  Their faces were stony. They weren’t going stand down on their position. “Don’t fool yourself,” Alicia’s said, her tone apathetic. “We’ve seen them together. She loves him, Jesse. You had so many chances to make this right, but now is too late. She’s moved on. She loved you. Past tense.”

  We remained in silence for a few minutes. Then Evie spoke her words of wisdom.

  “This is not a time for you to be selfish. If you truly love her, you would want what’s best for her. Alex is best for her. Please go home, Jesse. Start accepting a life without her.”

  ***

  “Why didn’t you wait for me? How could you let him love you?”

  —Jesse to Isabel, The Light in the Wound

  Those vital words. If I truly loved her.

  It dawned on me that no one, not even her sisters, saw how I really felt about her. If? Of course I truly loved her. What were they talking about? Did they not see it when we were together? Where were they all these years when I was a permanent fixture at their home, at their family events, in Isa’s heart? Don’t I deserve a second chance? Why won’t they give me a chance to make it right? Don’t they know how much she means to me? How much I love her?

  It finally hit me that maybe they were right. I didn’t show her enough. Maybe I did need to walk away to revisit my strategy. And so I did. Back to my apartment. Back to a life alone. If anything, I decided that I was going to tell her how I felt. In words. Because evidently, it had become too late for actions.

  Two hours after I poured my soul onto four sheets of paper, my heart felt empty, wrung out, and shriveled up. I couldn’t bear to think about her for one more second. I glanced at my watch to see that it was a few minutes past midnight and punched out some numbers on my phone.

  Ryan answered the phone immediately. “Cain. Where the hell are you, man?”

  “I was home taking care of some stuff.”

  “You were going to meet us at Strums three hours ago. That chick, Megan, has been waiting here for you.”

  “No women tonight, Ryan. Send her away.�
�

  “Dude, she’s so hot. Lawyer, man.”

  “No women. Get them out before I get there. Leaving now.” I slammed the phone on the table, straightened up the papers strewn about on my desk, and ran out the door.

  The music was loud and irritating, but I needed a drink, so I brought on the patience and sat at the bar with a group of guys. Ryan, my best friend, was somewhere probably making out with his girlfriend and the rest of the guys were shooting darts and playing foosball. By the time he decided to grace us with his presence, I was on my fifth scotch and my mind was numb as hell.

  “Where’s Gina?” I asked sarcastically. Lovers weren’t exactly my favorite people in those days.

  “I took her home. Where’d you think I went?”

  “I don’t know, some back alley somewhere to get in her pants. You two can never keep your hands off each other.”

  “I’m going to let that slide,” Ryan said, bumping his shoulder against mine, “because I know you’re angry. But cut it out, man. You have to let this go.” He motioned to the bartender to get him a drink.

  “The wedding is in two days.”

  The nod of his head indicated a silent response. “I’m here for you,” he said quietly, his eyes never leaving his hands. “Let’s drive out to the country on Sunday morning with some friends. Anything to get your mind off her.”

  “Did I not show it enough?” I squeezed my hands around my glass, waiting for him to throw the truth in my face.

  His face was expressionless. “Show what?”

  “How much I loved her? Her sisters seem to think that he loves her more than I ever did.” I felt his reluctance to answer, so I looked directly at him and beckoned him to disclose his thoughts. I held his stare and didn’t let up until he answered me.

  “You loved her,” he answered quietly. “There was no doubt about that. Having just her wasn’t enough for you.”

  “Keep going,” I urged him, my tone remaining testy. “I have a feeling you’re not done.”

  “I’m not, Cain. You need to know this. She has someone now who has placed her first and foremost on his priority list. She deserves this. You love her, but her love for you was never sufficient. You always wanted something more than just having someone like Isa who loved you. Success, recognition, all your accomplishments. Unfortunately, there’s a price to pay for all that. I honestly think that’s just part of who you are.”

  “And here we are again. Kathy Edwards. I never hear the end of it from you about her. She made me choose, man. I didn’t want to choose. She left me with no option, we were going to leave for Boston!” I knocked my fist on the table and yelled loud enough to be heard above the music.

  “She begged you to give up your trip to Boston, knowing what happened between you and Kathy. You left knowing that it would prove that she wasn’t a priority. You didn’t choose her.” He looked me straight in the eye. “She was alone so often, man. I know because my heart broke for her every time I saw her at those parties.”

  “Fuck you. I loved her. All I did was try to be a success for her. And if you didn’t see that all these years, then you and I have nothing to talk about.” I pushed my glass away and knocked it off the counter.

  I walked away from the sound of shattering glass that night. No one came after me; everyone knew to leave me alone. The bouncer saw the inebriated state I was in and called me a cab, and thirty minutes later, I was home, alone in the dark, with another drink. I planned to deliver the letter to her in the morning, but not until I got a few hours of sleep. I needed to piece my thoughts together rationally enough to sweep her off her feet and propose to her. I daydreamed about whisking her away and never looking back. Where would we go? Hawaii, perhaps? Europe? Costa Rica? Ahh. Yes, maybe Costa Rica. I knew she loved the warm weather and the hot sand. I reached over to open my nightstand drawer and pulled out an old picture of hers that I found when I was putting the scrapbook together. There she was, lying on a towel on the beach, shielding her eyes from the sun. It was one of the stolen weekends we’d had at a resort by the shoreline. She never wore a bikini, at least while she was with me—always a one piece, as part of my many restrictions on what she could and couldn’t wear—she didn’t need to show any more skin than that. This particular photograph showed her in a navy blue bathing suit that was cut high on her legs, revealing their long endless elegance. It was a low-cut V-neck gathered by a metal clasp that barely covered her full breasts. I closed my eyes and imagined every bit of her as I reached my hand into my boxer shorts and stroked myself. I thought about the way she used to guide me between that deep, beautiful cleavage while I pumped myself on her. I remembered her sweet taste and the way she was always so ready to take me. She used to tell me how good I felt, how big I was. That she was too little for someone like me. I jerked myself faster and faster, roughly and almost to the point of pain. I was overcome by sleep as soon as I released myself into the sheets.

  “Crap!” I snarled out loud as I snapped my head upwards to focus my eyes on the clock on the nightstand. Six pm? I can’t believe I slept all this time! I hurdled out of bed and literally jogged into the shower. I needed to get to her as quickly as I could. She’s getting married tomorrow!

  By the time I arrived outside her house, the winds had picked up and a dark cloud hovered, about to rupture at any minute. I hopped out of the car and repeatedly rang the doorbell. In two seconds, a guard showed up and asked for my name. I handed him the letter and scowled when he instructed me to wait outside as he checked with the staff. As soon as he shut the gate, large droplets of rain washed down from the sky, as heavy and wretched as the turmoil that burned in my heart. I waited for hours. At least, it felt like hours. I sat in the car, shielded from the storm, listening to the thunder and watching the lightning as the rain flooded the streets. I stared out the windshield, not knowing what to do next. I would have waited endlessly if that was what it took for her to come out of those gates. To my utter astonishment, forever happened when a tiny figure came running across the street, barefoot and clad in only a tank top and fitted sweatpants. Seeing her dash towards my car released an outburst of emotions that I never imagined I had inside of me. I sobbed hysterically as I ran out of the car to meet her, and with heavy legs and a hopeful heart, I begged for her forgiveness in the torrential rain. I knelt on the ground and offered her my soul in the form of a little black box.

  What happened afterwards will replay in my head over and over again for the next few years. It was the best night of my life and the worst night of my life. She didn’t have to spend the night with me, but she risked being accused of cheating on her fiancée to hold me for a few hours, to thank me for the time I spent in her life.

  I knew it was over after she stopped me from touching her. After all, it wasn’t like her not to want me. She no longer needed me to fill her up the way she so desperately craved in the past. She talked me through her feelings, how it happened, how and why she chose him over me. It was the best night of my life because she made sure I knew that she was mine and only mine for the past seven years. That night, she was no longer mine. Her heart was gone. She had given it to someone else.

  I hated myself for falling asleep when the morning came and she had to leave. I didn’t argue with her then; I didn’t beg her to stay. Her mind was made up and she was ready to promise herself to him. I sank into hopelessness as soon as she walked out that door, and for the next eight hours, I cried tears of regret. There were so many words I had yet to say to her but she was gone and there was no turning back. I still believed that she loved me. She told me herself as we lay together that night. Was it her sense of commitment that made her think she had to go through with the wedding? Her desire to be accepted by her family? By her grandparents? I needed to tell her that all that didn’t matter.

  That’s why I showed up at the ceremony.

  When she begged me to let her go because she loved him and only him, it was clear that leaving her would show the world just how much I truly car
ed.

  It was the worst night of my life. She took her light away from me forever.

  I just had to set her free.

  ***

  “My mother groaned, my father wept, into the dangerous world I leapt.”

  —William Blake

  I couldn’t believe I was there. In Chicago. On the 9th floor of a hospital maternity ward no less, staring through the glass of the nursery at a beautiful baby boy. He was swathed tightly in a blue and white blanket, an obnoxious “Baby Ailey” label displayed prominently on the top corner of the bassinet. I think that’s what you call those little clear bucket things they put babies in. It said that he was born at seven pounds. How did that thing fit inside my poor little Issy’s body? I started to play a game in my mind based upon the fact that the baby was bald. He could be mine. What if his hair turned out to be brown instead of blond?

  “What the fuck?” A low booming voice interrupted my thoughts. “Cain! What the hell?”

  I didn’t react. “How is she?” I asked as if we were two old friends catching up on life.

  “What are you doing here, Cain?” He came up to me and pushed me back with his fists. “Get out. You’re not welcome here.”

  Did I really expect any less from him? I brought my face close to his and muttered under my breath. “This is a public place, Ailey. Anyone can be here. Now get away from me before this gets ugly.”

  He calmed down a bit shortly after that. I’m sure it’s because he wanted to know what I was really doing there. He walked towards the door to the nursery, hesitated, and then turned to address me. “Why are you here?”

  “I had to see her. I was in LA on business and Ali said she was having a difficult labor.”

  “Twenty-eight hours. They finally performed a C-section.” He glowered at me, his eyes cold and steely as he held his shoulders back and took a stand. “You can’t see her. This is my life, Cain. Don’t fuck with it.”