“I have to go,” she whispers, avoiding my eyes. “Thank you for getting me out of there.”
I acknowledge her gratitude and walk away, relieved that her hastiness helped to avoid what could have been an awkward encounter between us.
I check on Alex’s status two days later, on my way to my scheduled doctor’s appointment. He’s still in critical condition, but I don’t make further attempts to contact her. She knows I’m around and she will come to me if she needs me. Rose and I take a short trip to Rome to check out the potential for a destination wedding. I have two fleets that can take her family wherever we decide to go. We make no mention of my recent hospital visit, she doesn’t ask and I don’t tell. Her patience with me is astounding. She’s passionate and funny and life with her is easy and relaxing. I know more than ever that she has finally healed my heart.
***
“Regret of neglected opportunity is the worst hell that a living soul can inhabit.”
—Rafael Sabatini
I knew it was bound to happen. I thought that things were going well enough between us and that this crazy storm would pass. Two months have gone by since the incident at the hospital. I’d seen Isabel once at the bar with her sisters and her friend, and hearing about her pregnancy from Alicia explained her rather odd behavior when I saw her that night. The media has been kind to them with regards to the accident and the events that followed immediately afterwards. The Aileys have made it very clear that the interest of the children is the first and foremost priority of everyone involved. I shouldn’t be indulging in this, but I heard from Mila, my secretary, who heard from Penny, his secretary, that things aren’t going well and that the couple has not been seen together in public since the accident. I try not to think about that last fact and focus on pegging a date for my wedding.
“You like this, don’t you, Jess?” Rose pants in my ear as she bends over to give me a kiss while riding me into the depths of nirvana.
“Hmmm,” I groan as I hold her hips and slam her against me repeatedly. My eyes are closed and my mind is somewhere else at this precise moment.
“I’m close, so close, Jess,” she mutters as she throws her head back and touches herself.
“Fuck, Issy!” I hear myself grunt and my eyes fly wide open as Rose pushes herself off me and runs out of the room crying.
I sit up for a moment and run my hand through my hair. I’ve got to get a grip on this. This isn’t supposed to be happening.
Slowly, I pull on my boxers and grab her robe that’s hanging at the foot of the bed. I find her in the living room, crouched in the fetal position, weeping softly.
“I’m so sorry,” I say as I hand her the robe and she hurriedly covers herself.
She flings her arms out to pound me on the chest. “How dare you!”
“I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t know what happened, but I can try to explain.” I don’t attempt to touch her.
She continues to cry. “There’s nothing to explain. You said your ex-girlfriend’s name while you were making love to me!” she spews out defiantly. “What does this all mean?” She looks up at me and starts wiping her tears on the sleeve of her robe.
“I love you, Rose. You’ve helped heal me in so many ways; you’re the first person who made me look forward to my future. I wanted a life with you.”
“Wanted?”
“With all that’s happened lately, I keep thinking that she needs me—as what, I don’t know, but I want to find out. What if this is my second chance at a life with her? It would never be fair to you or to anyone else if I didn’t pursue something that will eat at me incessantly.”
“You’ve thought about this a lot, it seems,” she whispers.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks, yes. The fact that she’s alone when she hasn’t been for twelve years. The chance that I might have to win her back.”
She starts to cry again. “What if you find out that what you had with her is over? What will you do then? I’m not going to wait around for you.”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks, but their significance is lost to the fact that I want a second chance with Isabel. What kind of a jerk am I to even expect her to wait until I figure these feelings out? “I don’t expect you to,” I say sadly.
“Do you still love her, Jesse?” Her dark eyes are sparkling with tears, her body language stiff and discomfited.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure about what I still feel or if we can even get any of it back,” I answer truthfully. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past twelve years, it’s to accept the truth about the scars of my past.
“You don’t know whether you love her, and yet you’re willing to risk losing me to find out?” Her anger is profoundly apparent. There’s a tightness to her posture, her body is closed off, and she looks like she wants to fling something at me.
“I have to do this to be sure that you have all of me. You don’t deserve to be with someone with half a heart.” That’s a little bit of an exaggeration, because I know that I love Rose, I just don’t know if it’s because Isa was never available.
She stares at me, then down at the engagement ring on her finger and starts to twist it around in an effort to take it off.
“No, keep the ring. I want you to have it.”
She looks at me dubiously and slams the ring on the table. “We’re done. This is done.” She gets up and walks towards the bathroom.
I nod my head in resignation. Ten minutes later, I’m still seated in the very same spot where she left me. The disappointment in myself is overwhelming. I threw away the love of a woman who was willing to accept me for who I am and I’m aiming for the love of another who has clearly moved on in her life. I need to get over this but I don’t know how. As in love and business, I’m about to take a gamble. I hope it gives me the peace that I am looking for once and for all.
***
***
“Angel of God, My Guardian Dear
To Whom God’s love commits me hear,
Ever this day, be at my side.”
—Catholic Bedtime Prayer
“To light and guard, to rule and guide...” I pause for a moment.
“Amen,” Eddie answers.
“Gah,” Maddy follows.
I lift her up into her crib and lay her gently on her pillow. “Goodnight, my baby princess. Sleep tight.” I turn to Eddie and motion for him to start walking to his room. By the time I catch up with him, he’s crawled up under his blanket but his hands are still fiddling with his iTouch.
“Put it away, Monkey. It’s late and you have band practice tomorrow.”
“Sorry, Mom.” He reaches out to lay it on the night stand. “Night.”
I bend down to kiss his cheek. “Goodnight. I love you.”
I walk down the hall to hear two phones ringing. I realize that someone had tried the home phone and is now calling my cell phone. I run into my bedroom to pick it up.
“Hello?”
“Isa, it’s me.” It’s Betty and her voice is soft and cracked.
“Hi, Betts! Hey, did Leigh get home yet?”
“Isa.” My name. Her tone. Alex isn’t here. I know. It’s happened.
I let out a high-pitched wail and drop to my knees right where I’m standing. The cell phone falls from my hand as I cover my face and break down in sobs. I blame myself. I should have stopped him. I should have stood my ground. I don’t want to survive this. I don’t want to spend a single moment in this life without him.
Betty doesn’t call me back; she knows I will pull myself together. I always do. I jerk my head back a minute later and reach out for my phone. I redial her number and wait.
“Isa.”
“Where?”
“Forbes Memorial Hospital. Please hurry.”
I arrive at the hospital within fifteen minutes and then suddenly realize that I don’t know where to go. I run frantically towards the front desk and don’t hide the fact that I’m falling apart right in front of everyone
, breaking into pieces for the whole world to see. I’m told that Emergency is straight down a long and endless hallway and through these big, heavy double doors. I run the whole way until I’m out of breath and sick to my stomach. As I push out the double doors, I see Leigh, with his arm around his wife, Evie, and Ali all sitting in a straight line on the folding chairs facing the door. Evie and Ali rush towards me and I collapse in their arms.
“Please! Let me see him!” I’m sobbing. I’m hysterical. Slowly, the oxygen of life is seeping out of me. I’m going to run out of air, deflate and crumble in a heap of ruin.
A nurse walks over to me with a clipboard and Ali nods as a signal to her that I’m the person they have been waiting for.
“Mrs. Ailey, I’m sorry to bother you with this, but we need some information on your husband.” I knock the clipboard out of her grasp and repeat my demand as it crashes to the floor. “I want to see my husband!” I look to Evie, clasp my hands in a praying position and furiously plead with her. “Please Evie, talk to them! Tell them I have to see him. Where is he? What are they doing to him? Is he gone? He’s gone, isn’t he? Tell me!”
“No, Isa, no. He’s in surgery right now.”
“Oh, oh, oh my God. Oh my God. Evie. What is he in surgery for? Please, I NEED TO SEE HIM! Evie, it’s going to be like Mom all over again. I’m never going to touch him and I won’t ever recover from this. Evie, please! Tell them I need to touch him.” I can hear myself howling. My voice is ten octaves higher than it should be and I’m making a scene and screaming at too high a volume.
Leigh gets up to try to calm me down. His arms are so big and strong that I welcome his embrace. I try to make myself believe that it’s Alex. After all, he was the last one who saw my husband.
“Shhhh. It’s okay, Isa.” He’s holding me tight and I’m drenching his shirt in tears, in agony, in sorrow.
“What happened, Leigh? What are they doing to him?”
He leads me to one of the chairs in the corner of the waiting room. Betty and my sisters don’t get up, they let him speak to me alone. I’m hiding under his arms. I don’t want to see the world. My world is gone. I know that it will never be the same.
“There was a freak storm that made him lose control of the car. He hit the side of the track and the car rolled a few times. He was severely injured, Isa. Do you know Dale McKinley? We went to school with him in the States. He’s the surgeon operating on Alex right now. I called him from the track and he rushed here to meet us.”
“How bad is he?”
“It looked pretty bad. He was unconscious when we got to him.” I balk at his words and my chest starts to tighten. My body is depleted with pain.
“Did someone call his parents and Anthony?” Right after I ask that, I see his Mom and Dad, followed by his brother, Anthony, emerge from another hallway right behind the nurse’s desk. His mom runs over to me and we start to cry together.
“Mom!” I cry, falling into her arms.
Anthony and his father approach us. My father-in-law’s face is tight and his voice is weak and trembling. No father should have to go through this. No mother. No child. No wife.
“He’s still in surgery,” his father says. “We were told that it will still take a few more hours.”
We all silently nod our heads and take a seat. I choose the empty seat between Evie and Ali, and the nurse comes back to hand Evie the clipboard. She fills it out for me, asking me quietly for his information as she writes everything down. My sisters take one hand each and we remain that way for what seems like days. I don’t move. The world still spins on its axis. The sirens go off and new patients come in. There are footsteps and voices all around me. I don’t see them. I don’t hear them. I’m praying to God, begging for Him to bring Alex back to me. What was the last thing he saw? Did he suffer unspeakable pain? Did I tell him that I loved him today? Where is my faith? Why has it been shaken? I repeat a loop of rosaries, over and over again. I used to time how long it took for me to pray one. Fifteen minutes at a normal pace, thirteen in record time. Tonight, I pray fifteen rosaries all in a row.
I don’t even notice it until I open my eyes and affix my sight down on the floor to see a large pair of sneakers in front of me. I refuse to look up until he kneels down to take my hands in his, tilting my chin upwards to look into my face. My mind is a jumbled mess and I don’t recognize him.
“Isa, it’s me, Dale.”
I stare into his eyes, hoping for a sign.
“I just got done with the surgery and Alex is in recovery. There were a lot of internal injuries and a very slight instance of bleeding in the brain. We’ve induced a coma for a couple of days to make sure that the swelling goes down. He also suffered some spinal injury from the impact of the crash, the extent of which is still unknown.”
“But he’s alive?” I ask hoarsely.
Dale nods and everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief.
“He’s alive and that’s all I care about.” I squeeze Dale’s hands and my face registers a tiny hint of consolation.
“Yes, he’s alive. He’s stable, but still critical. He will be in the ICU until we’re able to determine next steps.”
I nod my head and let go of all my pent up fears. “Dale, please, I need to see him. I need to see my husband.”
He stands up without letting go of my right hand and urges me to follow him. I rise from the chair and squeeze his hand again as he leads me down another corridor and into the recovery area.
“Dr. McKinley—” A nurse tries to stop us from entering.
“That’s okay, Tina. It’s his wife. They’re close friends of mine. I take responsibility for allowing her entry for a few minutes.” He guides me inside and hands me a sterile gown and cap. “Here, put these on. I’ll give you ten minutes to be with him and then I’ll come back to get you. Don’t be alarmed, Isa. He’s on a respirator; he’s not breathing on his own.”
I dress myself in the paper outfit he just handed me and move closer to where my Alex lies. I shut my eyes for a few seconds, terrified of what I’m about to see. His face is bruised and battered and purple and swollen. He’s got tubes sticking out of him everywhere and there’s an eerie popping sound that’s being caused by the rise and fall of the air pump. I’m afraid to touch him; he looks so fragile. I take his hand very carefully and hold it in mine. It feels like fine china to me, smooth, cold, breakable. His nails are blackened, his lips caked and dry. I want to kiss them but I remember something I heard before about being susceptible to infection after surgery. So I don’t.
“Hi, my love,” I whisper very softly in his ear, determined to sound strong and brave. “It’s me. I’m here. Do you remember the night we were at the Plaza in Paris and you said you wished that we had met sooner? I now know why God only brought you and me together seven years after we met. It’s because the best things in life are never easy. And the more you fight for something, the more you know that it was meant to be. You and I, Alex, we are meant to be. And we have so much more to do together. We have three beautiful children that need you. We have more places to visit. More places to leave pieces of us in. We still haven’t made love in every part of our home like you promised. Please don’t let go, Alex. Please fight for us. Please fight to come back. I love you so much and I’m not going anywhere.” I bring my head down to his hand and kiss it. I keep my lips there until Dale comes in to gently lead me back outside.
I return to the waiting room to give everyone an update on what I saw and how he looks. It takes me a moment to realize that everyone is crying. They abruptly dry their eyes as they see me approach them. They all tried to hold it together for me, releasing their grief as soon as I was out of the room.
“Everyone, please go home and get some rest. Dale has arranged for a small cot for me outside of his room in the ICU. I’ll call you if anything happens.” I turn to Ali and take her hand. “I’d like to be the one to tell Eddie. Will you have him brought here in the morning before school?”
She
nods her head and embraces me. Everyone takes turns holding me before they leave. I accept their affections, but it doesn’t make me feel less alone than I do at this very moment. I can’t stop thinking about him and wishing with all my might that this isn’t happening. My thoughts are interrupted when I see three nurses wheeling Alex’s bed out of recovery and into the elevator. I don’t hear a single word that anyone else is saying. I turn around and run over to catch up with them as they take him to the ICU.
***
“Are you sure that a floor can’t also be a ceiling?”
—M.C. Escher
“Is he going to die, mommy?” Eddie asks through his tears.
We’re sitting in the cafeteria having coffee and a glass of milk. Eddie is in his school uniform; I’ve asked that he stop by the hospital on the way to school. I’m not sure whether this is a good idea, but thought it best for him to hear it straight from me. Eddie is different from other boys his age; his maturity has always allowed me to have honest conversations with him. The bond that he shares with his father is priceless and I want him to know exactly what we’re dealing with so he understands what lies ahead.
I’m trying not to drown in self-pity, so I convince myself that all the other people sitting at these flimsy, lopsided tables have it worse than I do. But do they? Do they know how long it’s taken me to finally find happiness? For years, it wasn’t really Alex who had my heart, but his dedication and devotion won me over. I haven’t been given enough time to return the love that saved me. His love. Twelve years isn’t really long enough for the universe to decide that it’s time to take him back from me.
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