His Wounded Light

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His Wounded Light Page 15

by Christine Brae


  I don’t react and once again gently try to lift his legs over the mattress.

  “Will you please just get Diego and get the fuck away from me for a while?”

  The weight of his words crushes me.

  “Alex—”

  “Do not tell me that it’s okay. Will you get Diego now, please?”

  I turn around and call for Diego on the intercom. It takes mere seconds for him to come knocking at our door. He doesn’t say a word as he scoots the wheelchair close to the bed and helps Alex swing his legs to the side and push himself into the chair. As Alex pulls away to head towards the bathroom, I start to gather up the sheets, intending to get them washed.

  He doesn’t look at me as he says, “So what now, you’re the laundry woman too? Will you please just leave those alone and call the maid to do it? And then leave the room for now. I really want to be alone.”

  His tone. I can’t even begin to describe it. It’s virulent and spiteful and it blasts a hole in my heart. I lay the rolled up pile on the bed and flee the room.

  I walk up and down the hallway, not knowing what to do with myself until I decide to pay Eddie a visit in his bedroom. He has just started to play a video game.

  “Mommy, is Daddy okay?” He puts the remote control to the side as he stands up from his game chair and comes to sit on my lap.

  I squeeze him so tightly, channeling my strength into this embrace so I don’t start to break down in front of my son. “He’s fine, sweetheart. He just started to feel sick, so I thought we should leave him to rest.” I can’t look Eddie directly in the eyes. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can hold it together.

  “Is he ever going to try to get better? He doesn’t go downstairs very often anymore.” The tone in his voice is dismal and heavy-hearted and it makes me want to go and shake Alex so he wakes up and makes himself better for his children.

  “I think he’s still so tired from the accident, honey. He needs to rest so that he can be strong enough for his physical therapy.”

  Eddie continues to hold me and I can’t help melting into the protective arms of my child.

  “I miss that, you know, Monkey?” I say with tears in my eyes.

  “Miss what?”

  “The way you just rubbed my back when you hugged me. You used to do that when you were little.”

  “I love you, Mommy,” Eddie says, stroking my hair. “You can always just hang out with me when you’re lonely.”

  I have been. For the last month, this has truly been my place of comfort. Eddie moves back to his game chair. I stand up and kiss him on the head.

  “I think I should go and check on Daddy.”

  When I reenter the room, Diego is seated on the chair next to the bed and Alex is on the phone. The sheets have been changed and the bed has been made. I motion to Diego with my eyes to leave the room and Alex watches him shuffle away while he’s still talking on the telephone.

  “Yes, that’s what I mean. We can just keep the two cars, the rest can go. They’re in awesome shape. No. No. I’m not paying any delivery charges. They want it, they come and get it.”

  I try to catch his attention with my eyes, but he won’t look at me. When he’s done, he hangs up and goes back to looking over some of the papers that Penny left on his desk. I move closer to him and sit on the leather ottoman across from him, directly within his vantage point. This way, he won’t be able to avoid looking at me.

  “What was that about?” I lean in towards him with my hands on my lap.

  “Nothing. I’m selling the cars.” He wheels himself away from me.

  I get up to follow him until he’s right back by the bed and I sit down, facing him. “Please, let’s talk, Alex. Which cars and why?”

  He rolls his eyes sarcastically. “Why? Really, Isa?”

  “You’re being impulsive. Why don’t you believe you’re going to get better?”

  He ignores that question and goes about looking at a folder full of papers. I’ve just about had it with his lack of respect for the fact that I’m right here with him. I stretch out my arms and grab the phone he’s left on the desk. I press REDIAL and find out that it was Leigh whom he had just spoken to.

  “Leigh, hi, it’s Isa. Yes, I’m fine thank you. I know, we should plan something soon. Hey, listen, I’m calling to let you know that the cars are off the market for now. We’re keeping them, so no need to find any buyers. Yes, okay. Please say hi to her for me. Love you too.” I press END on the phone and walk away. Now I have the reaction that I want.

  He wheels around to follow me. “You see? This is what I mean. You’re now taking over my life.”

  “I’m what?” All of a sudden, I catch a dizzy spell and I have to sit down. I slowly make my way back to the closest seat.

  “You’re hindering my recovery. You stress me out.”

  I stare at him unbelievably. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “We need to rethink this. I really need to be alone. I’m not good for you anymore, and you’re not good for me either. Why don’t you stay with one of your sisters for a while?” His eyes are empty and vacant. He looks straight through me and his voice remains stolid and flat.

  Where did he go?

  “For how long?” I choke back my tears.

  “I don’t know, indefinitely. Until we figure this out.”

  “I have nothing to figure out. This is my home. This is my children’s home. No.”

  “Then I’ll be the one to leave.” His demeanor is unbelievably aloof as he wheels himself away from me.

  I can’t control myself. I yell back, wanting to make sure that he hears every word, yet secretly hoping that he’ll disagree with the truth that I’m about to admit. “You left me two months ago!”

  He doesn’t even glance up to look at me. He remains completely unfazed by what I just said. “So take the hint and leave me be.”

  ***

  “Let me tell you the secret that has lead me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity.”

  —Louis Pasteur

  I’m smiling in the mirror as I observe my changing body. I’m running late for a board meeting but am momentarily delayed by the sight in the glass. I’m growing. Not as much as I should be; after all, it has been a very stressful pregnancy. I have lost so much weight that I’m smaller and I’m lighter. But I’m growing. And for the first time, I feel the life moving inside of me. The problem is, I don’t even know when I can tell Alex. I’ve been very careful not to trigger his bad moods or to stress him out. One might say that this is no life, walking on eggshells all the time, but this is my life. He is my life and I want to be with him. To take care of him.

  I dress hurriedly so I’m not late for my appointment. When I leave, Alex is still asleep. The traffic to the office is light and easy and I have a full day ahead of me. By the time I walk into the conference room, there are people waiting. There are also checks to be signed, budgets to be approved, a meeting with the accountant and then with the lawyers. No sisters at the office today, just me and my staff and it’s a welcome respite from having to talk about my problems at home. I’ve been spending a lot of time at work, especially while Eddie is at school. I love the days when I get to take Maddy in with me because the constant noise and activity is something I’ve been craving for months now. The day goes quickly and I get more things accomplished than I had planned. It’s three in the afternoon before I decide to pack up and go home. Eddie will have homework, I tell myself. And maybe I can catch Alex while he’s having therapy to see how he’s doing. Those sessions have been erratic. Sometimes once or twice a week, other times not at all. I’m still giving him time to accept everything, I don’t push. Not yet.

  The reception desk is empty and I assume that our receptionist is out on a break. I stand and lean on the edge of her desk to write her a note to let her know that I’ve left for the day.

  “Mrs. Isabel Ailey?” A woman’s voice comes up right behind me. I turn around to smile at her. She hands me a brown e
nvelope which I willingly take from her hand just as she turns and stalks away.

  I know what it is before I even open it. My hands shake as I untie the flimsy red ribbon that’s wrapped around the clasp. I don’t pull the papers out. I peek inside because all I need to see is the first line of the document.

  Petition for Dissolution of Marriage.

  I completely ignore the sharp pain in my abdomen as well as the urge to expel this morning’s breakfast. I take my sunglasses out of my purse, place them on my face, and slowly tread through the halls towards the elevator.

  I’m not going to give up on him.

  “Where is Mr. Ailey?” I ask thirty minutes later when the maid opens the front door. I keep walking. I don’t even think I hear what she says. I head directly for his office. He’s there, seated on the chaise, with a blanket strewn over his legs. There’s a man stretching and massaging his left leg while he’s laughing about something with Amanda, who is seated right across from him.

  “Alex. We need to talk.” The sight of her makes me ill and I’m angry that he has shared the rare sound of his laughter with her.

  “Not now, Isa. I’ll come up when I’m finished,” he replies dismissively.

  I snap back and move close to them. “Now. We’re talking now. Penny will call you, Amanda and Mr. Therapist, to reschedule this session. I need a word with my husband.” I turn my back and make my way to the other side of the room, where I look out the window and wait.

  I don’t hear any words, just rustling and some whispering and then the door is shut. We are both silent for a while. We’re only a few feet apart from each other, but our hearts are separated by a thousand miles. I finally break the lull by coming closer and leaning against the desk, facing him.

  “Why?”

  “I can’t take this anymore, Isabel. It’s killing me. Being here with you.”

  “Please. I love you. Nothing has changed.”

  “But I HAVE changed. I have. I no longer want the things that you want.” He pauses for a long second and then continues. “If you’re worried about the children, don’t be. I’ll be here with them, I’ll take care of them. You will never want for anything financially. But I don’t want this life anymore.”

  “What life, A? What life?”

  “Well, for one, I want to get better and worrying about you isn’t helping me. You’re married to a fucking invalid. An invalid, Isa. Do you want to devote your life to changing your husband’s diapers every single day? Because that’s where this is going to end up!” His resentment of me is clear.

  I am heartbroken.

  I’m officially destroyed.

  “I’ve never given you any reason to worry about me,” I say as I search his face for any semblance of the man who loved me once. Like chameleons, people are inherently adaptable to their environment. We can alter and adjust according to the cards that are dealt to us in life. I’ve always believed that although our façades can change and mold with what suits us, the spirit remains steadfast, intact. Who you are defines what you are. Alex is goodness and patience and love. I can’t find him now, but someday, he’ll be back.

  “I can’t live with you, knowing that this might be your life, that you won’t have a life outside of taking care of me. I want you to go. You deserve better.”

  “You fought for me once. I’ll fight for you now. I’m not leaving. We’re not getting a divorce.” I walk towards him and touch his face.

  He closes his eyes for one fraction of a second and then the hateful blues are back.

  “I don’t deserve anyone else, Alex. Just you. I love you,” I whisper. I kneel down in front of him and rest my head on his shoulder.

  He doesn’t move away from me, his arms stay in place. His tone is soft but emphatic. It sounds as final as it will ever be. It doesn’t matter to him that I’m crying. It used to, but it doesn’t anymore.

  “I hate looking into your eyes and seeing the life we used to have,” he says firmly. “I hate looking at your body and knowing that I can never feel myself inside you again. It’s too late for us, Isa. I can’t stand the sight of you. We have to get a divorce.”

  I may love him and I will never leave him. But I will always remember those words.

  Despite the physical pain in my chest, I soldier on, my message as clear as the day I confessed my love for him. I take his face determinedly in my hands and don’t leave him with any other choice. “I’m not leaving you. We are not getting a divorce.”

  ***

  “Into each life some rain must fall.”

  —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

  “There she is!” Evie claps her hands together as I walk up to their table and hang my purse on a chair.

  I slide around to give them each a kiss on the cheek—Evie, Ali and Betty—just like a scene out of our college days. I’ve asked them to meet me at D Marks for a drink. With everything going on at home, I haven’t had a night out in months. Ali waves for the server to take my order. I can see that they’ve already completed a round of shots.

  “What did you want to drink?” Ali asks as the server stands by her side, waiting.

  “Just a Coke for now, please.” I fish into my purse and take out a cell phone. Better to have it out in case he needs me.

  “A Coke? What the hell?” Betty asks, perplexed.

  I’m wearing a sleeveless dress with an empire waistline that perfectly hides my ultra-small bump. I have to stop myself from subconsciously rubbing my belly. I’ve been doing that a lot lately, especially after starting to feel some movement.

  How the heck am I going to get out of this one? “I’m just warming up. I haven’t had dinner yet. Can we order some appetizers?” Now it’s my turn to motion for the server.

  “How’s everything at home? Do you know that Alex still hasn’t returned Leigh’s calls?”

  I haven’t returned anyone’s calls, either, for that matter. Here it comes. Wait for it...

  “She hasn’t been returning anyone’s calls either,” Evie pipes in and glares at me. “Aside from a text message asking us to pick up the kids, you’ve been absent and extremely shady lately.”

  I’m going to have to tell them. “Alex has filed for divorce,” I blurt out before I change my mind.

  Crickets. Silence. Confusion.

  “What?” Ali’s voice is a mere murmur.

  Everyone is looking at me, waiting for me to react. I smile weakly. I’m all out of tears. I’m all out of words. I’m all out of everything.

  “I’m not going to give it to him. He’s reacting and being impulsive. And I love him.” I fidget with my straw and stab the cherry in my glass a few times with the plastic sword.

  Three different hands reach across the round table to grab mine. “Oh my God. Isa, we didn’t know,” Evie says. “Tell us. What’s happening?”

  “I don’t know. He’s changed completely since the day he woke up from the accident. He’s angry, but at me, for some reason. I started to lose pieces of him but I thought that I’d get him back somehow. I was served with divorce papers yesterday. I’m tired of our fights, his sarcasm, his bitterness. But I’m not tired of loving him and I’m not giving him up.” I don’t know what to do with my hands. I’m picking at my nails as I throw another bombshell at them. “I’m 20 weeks pregnant.” Everyone’s focus is instantly relegated to my stomach. “I’ve been sick a lot and I can’t seem to hold anything in,” I say, trying to explain why I’m not yet showing.

  “I thought it was because of all the stress you were going through. I’m so sorry.” Evie’s eyes start to water.

  Betty shoots up from the table, kneels at my feet and encircles her arms around my neck. I see that she’s trying her best not to break down in front of me. I feel guilty for avoiding her calls and for not opening up to her sooner.

  “Isa,” she says, “you know he loves you very much. There’s no way that that’s all changed in merely two months. Maybe he’s not in his right mind. Have you talked to Dale or Amanda about this? Is he on some
sort of crazy medication?”

  “That’s the thing. Amanda is there every week, and he looks normal when he’s with her. I’ve seen them laughing and joking about things when they think I’m not around.”

  “That doesn’t sound right,” Ali comments.

  “Well, I’m not giving up on him. Maybe your husbands can keep reaching out to him, make him see what he’s doing.”

  “Definitely!” they all say in unison.

  “Oh, Isa, please be strong. And don’t shy away from us. You need us now more than ever, and we’re here for you,” Ali says, squeezing my hand just a touch too hard. “Promise you’ll keep us posted and you’ll call us every day for an update.”

  I’m feeling it now. My exhaustion, my emotion, my panic. I need to get up and throw up in the bathroom. “Excuse me, I’m just going to the washroom.”

  I make my way on wobbly knees down a dark hall past the bar and towards the ladies’ room. A sharp physical pain courses through my body as I glance over at the bar and remember the night twelve years ago when Alex saved me from that guy. I love him so much. I’m going to make it work.

  “Issy.” Only one person calls me that. Used to call me that. What is going on with my life? Is this a sick, cruel joke? I turn around and there he is. In a business suit, no less.

  “Jesse. What are you doing here?” I lean against the wall. The room is spinning and I can’t focus on his face.

  “Business meeting. And you?”

  “Oh, just a girls night with Evie, Ali and Betts.”

  “Ah.”

  “Are you buying this place, Jesse?”

  “Why would I be buying this place?” He’s shaking his head like it’s a ludicrous suggestion, but his smile is disarming.

  “Cause you seem to be buying everything out these days.” I’m still having a problem focusing. I’m going to lose it any minute.

  “Are you okay, Isabel?”

  “Of course, why would you think I wasn’t okay?” I retort back, defensively.

  “You look a little pale. But...you’re looking great as always. Say hi to the girls for me.” He turns his back and walks away.

 

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