She shrugged. “Kind of. Since it’s the beginning of November, it’s time to put in for time off around the holidays. I have to decide if I’m going to stay here and work or try and go home.”
He looked at her in shock. She’d made it clear how she felt about returning home. “I thought you didn’t want to go back.”
“Grandma called me earlier in the week. She wasn’t feeling well. Even though we talk on the phone frequently, it isn’t the same as an in-person, face-to-face visit. I think this may be the year I’m ready to face things for good.”
“But you’ve been back home since you left for college, right?”
She nodded. ‘Well, yeah. But usually just for a day at a time. I haven’t spent a night in my childhood home since I left for college. I always use the excuse that I need to get back here for work. And if I absolutely have to stay in my hometown overnight, I stay with my grandmother.”
Andrew regarded her for a long moment. She’d been running for so long. He hoped cutting everyone out of her life to try and save herself any pain had been worth it. “Do you think you’re ready to go back?”
“I’m thinking about testing the waters at Thanksgiving. But I haven’t totally made up my mind yet. I don’t have to let my boss know anything for a few more days.” She sighed. “But that’s not the only decision I need to make.”
“The nurse practitioner program?” he asked. She’d explained the situation to him a couple of months ago. A sneaking suspicion came over him. “Does that have anything to do with Holly?”
She took a sip of coffee. “You don’t give me any credit at all, do you?”
“Does it?”
Emily sighed. “I’m the one who wanted to become a nurse practitioner, not Holly. In my hometown, we don’t even have a doctor. Our nurse practitioner functions like a doctor and refers patients to a specialist if there’s a problem he can’t treat.” She shrugged. “I started the program thinking that not only would it help me in my job at St. Jude, but that I’d also have the option of starting my own practice someday if I ever wanted to.”
Andrew felt oddly relieved. At least she’d put some thought into her own dreams. “So what’s the hold up? Why not go ahead and finish?”
“I’d have to leave my patients for a few months while I do clinicals and coursework. I know it sounds stupid. But I’m torn between staying where I am and doing something I love and am good at—and taking a leap of faith that I will succeed in the program. It isn’t going to be easy.”
“Not everything good is easy. Not every right decision is easy. I think sometimes people expect that the right path is the easy one, but I don’t think that’s always the case. Take me, for example. The easy thing to do would’ve been to stay in Soso and drive to Memphis every few weekends to visit Sarah and Mary Kate. But that wasn’t the right choice.”
“Are you glad you’re here?”
He leaned closer to her. “I’m glad I’m in Memphis, but I’m even happier that I’m here with you.” He kissed her smooth cheek.
Emily smiled. “Likewise.”
The waitress placed two heaping platters of sweet potato pancakes, hash browns, and bacon on the table in front of them. “Let me know if you need anything else,” she said with a smile.
Emily glanced over at Andrew. “Do you mind praying?”
It was the first time she’d asked. All the times they’d been out to eat, he’d always felt like she begrudgingly prayed. But today it seemed like something had shifted. “I’d be glad to.”
He said a quick prayer and then took a bite of his pancakes. “Amazing.” He took a sip of coffee. “Why’ve you kept this place a secret from me for so long?”
She grinned mischievously. “I only bring the really special people here.”
“Special, huh?” He winked. “I’m glad I’ve reached a new status.” Although he had to admit, she was pretty special, too. He’d done a lot of thinking after the Halloween carnival. Emily was the kind of woman who made him want to be a better man. She lit up his life, and those weeks they hadn’t spoken had been pretty miserable.
“You look like you’re a million miles away,” Emily said, nudging him. “Is the food not good?”
He glanced over at her. “Just thinking.”
“Don’t hurt yourself.” She grinned. “Kidding.” She swirled some creamer in her coffee. “When we leave here, you want to walk over to see the Lorraine Motel? It’s part of the Civil Rights Museum. It isn’t too far.”
Despite his best efforts, Andrew still wasn’t totally comfortable traipsing around downtown, even in the afternoon. He knew they would have to walk past some sketchy areas to get to the museum. “I’ve actually got some stuff I need to do back at the house, plus I promised Mary Kate I’d go by to see her this afternoon. Rain check?”
The knowing look in her eye told him she saw through his excuse, but at least she didn’t call him out on it. “Sure.”
Andrew had no idea what the future might hold, but he suspected if he wanted his future to hold Emily, he would have to learn to let go of his fears.
The problem was, he wasn’t totally sure how to go about it.
Chapter Eighteen
Emily clutched the phone to her ear like she thought if she pressed a little harder, the words she heard would somehow change. “I don’t understand. I just spoke to her a couple of weeks ago. She thought she might be getting the flu. She didn’t mention that it might be her heart.”
Mom sighed. “I know. But she’s stable. They admitted her this morning to the hospital in Jonesboro. She’ll probably be there through the rest of the week.”
Emily sank onto her couch. Her grandmother had been asking Emily to come visit for weeks. Just last week, Emily had finally conceded and announced to her parents that she’d be home for Thanksgiving. But it looked like she would be going home a few days early. “I’ll leave tonight. I’ll go straight to the hospital. Someone needs to stay with her overnight.”
“Your dad said he would.”
Emily’s dad had a bad back. The last thing he needed to do was sleep on a tiny couch or cot. “No. I’ll do it. I’m a nurse, after all.” Not to mention staying at the hospital meant buying her some time before she went to her parents’ house. Grandma had told her a couple of weeks ago that they’d made some changes—changes she probably wasn’t going to like.
“If you’re sure.” Mom’s voice was uncertain.
Emily stood up and paced the length of the living room. “I’m positive. Will you and Daddy be at the hospital when I get there?”
“Of course. Is there anything you want me to bring you? A pillow or blanket?”
Emily smiled in spite of herself. “I’ll just use whatever the hospital provides. Don’t worry.”
She hung up and crossed the room to look at the most recent picture she had of her and Grandma. It was at least five years old. Tears filled her eyes.
Emily grabbed the phone and called Andrew. “Can you come over?” she asked once he’d answered.
“You sound awful. Is everything okay?”
She sniffed. “I’ll explain when you get here.”
Twenty minutes later, Andrew walked through the door. “I got here as fast as I could. What’s wrong?”
He pulled her to him in a tight embrace, and she let him hold on to her for a long moment. It was amazing how much better she felt, just knowing he was there.
“My grandmother had a heart attack. She’s in the hospital.” She pulled away from him and motioned toward her suitcase. “I’m about to go to Arkansas.”
Andrew furrowed his brow. “Do you want me to drive you?”
“It’s sweet of you to offer, but I think this is something I have to face alone.” She looked up at him. “Besides, I know you’re looking forward to going with Mary Kate and Sarah back to your hometown.”
He nodded. “Mary Kate’s felt better this past week than she has in a long time. I think a trip home will be good for her.” He frowned. “But right now I’
m worried about you.”
She held out the picture of her and Grandma. “See this? It’s the most recent picture I have of us together. And it’s five years old.” She blinked back tears. “How did I let my life get to this point?”
He took her hand and led her to the couch. “You talk to her all the time. She knows how you feel about her.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ve let my grief for Holly dominate my entire world. She wouldn’t have wanted that. She would have hated knowing that her death caused me to pull away from my family rather than to draw closer to them.” Emily choked back a sob. Maybe that was what Andrew and Suzanne had been trying to tell her—she just hadn’t understood until now.
Andrew wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “Well, you’re going home now. Make some changes.”
“Will you pray for her? And me?”
He smiled. “Of course.”
“I know I’ve struggled with my faith and blamed God for a lot of things. But knowing you’re praying gives me a peace I can’t explain.”
Andrew nodded. “I’ll do whatever I can.”
She leaned against him, enjoying the safe harbor he’d become. No matter what uncertainty she faced, she hoped she’d always be able to find her way back to him.
***
Two days. That’s how long it had taken for Emily to have a huge argument with her parents. She wished she could chalk it up to her lack of sleep due to the uncomfortable hospital guest cot. But she felt certain they’d have gotten into it even if she’d slept in her own bed.
She tapped on the door of her grandmother’s hospital room. “Hey there,” she said. “They tell me the doctor is making his rounds and will be here soon.”
Grandma propped herself up in the bed. “I hope he’ll cut me loose from here. I want to go home. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I don’t intend on eating hospital food.” She smiled. Even though her wrinkled face had a pale tinge to it, her brown eyes sparkled. She patted the bed. “Now come sit down and tell me why you look like you just ate a lemon.”
Emily gave her grandmother a tiny smile. “Guess I don’t have much of a poker face, huh?”
Grandma shook her head. “No, you don’t.” She grinned. “But I also heard you and your mom arguing last night before your parents left.”
Emily pulled the door closed and went to sit at the end of Grandma’s bed. “It’s nothing for you to worry about. Let’s just concentrate on getting you well and home.”
“Nonsense.” The older woman fluffed her silvery hair. “It’s a grandmother’s job to know everything that’s going on with her family. And I have some idea of what’s happened, I just want confirmation.”
Emily sighed. Unloading her anger onto a woman who’d just had a mild heart attack didn’t seem like a good idea, but she could tell that Grandma wasn’t going to let it go. “Mom told me that they’d finally gotten rid of the stuff from Holly’s room. Even the furniture.” Mom had acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. “And the stuff I had left is in plastic totes in the garage. She said I could look through it tomorrow and see if there is anything I want.”
Grandma nodded. “I know. And I knew you weren’t going to like the change. Of all my grandchildren, you’re the one who resists it the most.”
“What do you mean?” Emily furrowed her brow.
“Well, dear, ever since you were a little girl, you liked things to stay the same. I remember the year I put my Christmas tree up in a different window and I thought you were going to come unglued.” She chuckled. “Holly was the opposite. Don’t you remember how she used to drive you crazy trying to get you to try different hairstyles?”
Emily had forgotten about that. “Clothing styles, too.” She smiled at the memory of Holly convincing her to try a Bohemian style. Holly had thought she looked fantastic, but Emily was pretty sure she looked like she was wearing a Halloween costume. “I guess I’d forgotten about that.”
“You and your sister were such different creatures. Sometimes I used to think the only thing you had in common was that you loved each other.” Grandma smiled. “But I think you should cut your parents some slack here. They left those rooms alone for a lot of years.”
Emily frowned. “Mom said they at least left my furniture in place. But they turned Holly’s room into an office and place for the treadmill.” She hated the thought of their childhood home being wiped clean of her sister’s memory.
“Did you think they should leave it as some kind of shrine? Because let me tell you, those posters you girls had on the walls stayed up for a lot longer than they needed to. Your parents needed to let go of some of that stuff.”
Emily sighed. “It just makes me feel. . .” She trailed off.
“Like we’re forgetting Holly existed?” Grandma asked gently.
Emily nodded. “Like she didn’t matter.”
Grandma patted Emily’s hand. “You know better than that. Your parents have never stopped grieving. I talked to your Mom about it just last week. She goes through a really tough time when the holidays roll around because then Holly’s birthday is in January and it’s like a whole series of events that remind her of what she’s lost.”
Emily had no idea that her mother had a tough time at the holidays. She’d never stayed in Arkansas long enough to know. “I’m a bad daughter, aren’t I? And granddaughter?”
“Don’t get down on my granddaughter like that,” Grandma commanded with a smile. “We all handle things differently. I know how close you and Holly were. After she died you were so sad I didn’t know if I’d ever see you smile again.” She lifted Emily’s chin. “But you have smiled. And that’s exactly what Holly would want you to do.”
True. No one had liked to laugh as much as Holly. “I guess it just came as a shock when Mom told me about their renovations. I probably shouldn’t have been so mean about it.”
“I think you were part of the reason they went ahead with it.”
Emily narrowed her eyes. “Me? Why would I have anything to do with their decision?”
“You’ve managed to come home less and less over the years. When’s the last time you actually spent a night in your parents’ home?”
Emily lowered her eyes. She’d spent very little time at her parents’ house over the years. Most of their visits had taken place in Memphis or at Grandma’s. “It’s been a long time. Right before college I guess.”
“I think they thought the memories were too much for you. There was no reason for them to have two bedrooms for daughters who weren’t coming home. If you ask me, they waited much longer than most people would have to make that change.”
Emily hated to admit it, but it made sense. Walking past Holly’s preserved room had always been tough. Even just a few years ago, Emily would walk by and halfway expect her sister to be in there. It must have been hard for parents to endure that every day. “Maybe I was too hard on them.”
“Honey, you’ve got to stop shutting out the people who care about you. Otherwise you would’ve known about what was going on.”
Emily nodded. “Like I said before, I’m a terrible daughter and granddaughter.”
“No. But you’ve placed some kind of burden on yourself that you don’t need to bear. Do you think we haven’t realized what you’ve been doing with all of your trips and all? Those dream boards have been displayed in Holly’s room for a long time. So when you suddenly started doing those things, we realized what was going on.”
“Why didn’t anyone say anything?” Emily asked.
Grandma shrugged. “I think we all thought there might be a couple of things you needed to do to honor your sister. . .but no one thought you’d try and do them all.”
“I guess that was a little extreme.” It looked like Andrew and Suzanne weren’t the only ones who thought she should forget Holly’s bucket list.
Grandma patted Emily’s hand. “But it was done out of pure love.” She smiled. “Maybe now you can move on with your life and find other ways to honor Holly. Ways that
don’t include you sacrificing big chunks of your own life.”
The doctor rapped on the door.
Emily watched as her grandmother went to work, convincing the doctor to let her go home. She only hoped that someday she would be that sharp.
Grandma’s words echoed through Emily’s head. Maybe it was time to move on. And she was right. There were other ways of honoring her sister’s memory than fulfilling her bucket list. Maybe it would be enough to simply live her own life to the fullest.
Chapter Nineteen
“Thanksgiving dinner was wonderful,” Emily said to Mom. They worked together to clear the table. Dad had taken Grandma back to her house and Emily’s aunt, uncle, and cousins had just left.
“And your sweet potato casserole was delicious.” Mom grinned. “I might need to borrow that recipe.”
“My friend from work, Charlotte, swears by it. Of course, I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing she knows how to cook, but it is really good.”
Mom rinsed a plate and put it in the dishwasher. “How is work?”
“I really love it. But I just can’t decide whether to continue with my masters or not. Becoming a nurse practitioner would be a lot of work.”
“And it would also be worth it if that’s what you ultimately want to do.” Mom raised her eyebrows. “When do you have to decide?”
Emily crossed her arms and leaned against the counter. “I went ahead and registered for classes. The program starts back in January. But I can always drop the classes between now and then if I decide not to go through with it.”
Mom sighed. “I can’t help you with the decision other than to tell you to pray about it. I feel certain God will show you the right path.”
“Yeah, well I’m kind of thickheaded sometimes. I wish He’d put a big neon sign on the path for me that says ‘Emily, choose this’ or something.”
Mom laughed. “If only it were that easy, huh?” She sprayed hot water into a pan and set it aside to soak. “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time deciding.”
Can't Help Falling in Love (Memphis Moments Book 2) Page 11