by Bria Starr
“I’ve been fully entertained. I didn’t know you could dance.”
I smile. “Oh, Eli. There’s a bunch of things you don’t know about me.” Then I wink for good measure. I’m far too drunk to give a shit right now.
He raises his eyebrows and smiles back. “Are you having fun?”
I nod and take another drink. “I’ve had so much fun tonight. Larissa is fucking nuts. But I like her. Are you having fun?”
“I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching you dance all night.”
“You have? I wouldn’t think you were watching me when you had all those girls around you.”
“I only have eyes for you, Paige.”
My heart drops to my stomach and I silently will myself to remember this conversation tomorrow so that I never forget the words he just said to me. My vision is a little blurry, but my eyes travel down to his scruffy jaw, which leads me over to his full lips, and finally, back up to his deep blue eyes.
“You’re not kidding?”
“No, I’m dead serious. Why do you think I’m here? The only reason I’m here is because I knew you would be here.”
“We’re seriously going out on a date next weekend?”
“We seriously are.”
“That’s so weird.” I shake my head, trying to collect rational thoughts instead of just blurting out every random thought that skitters through my head.
“Why is that weird?”
“Because you’re so hot and I’m ...”
“You think I’m hot?”
“Shush. You know that I’ve always liked you.” Stop talking, Paige!
His eyes widen. “You’ve always liked me?”
“Ever since we were little. You should have known. I mean, who didn’t have a crush on the superstar?”
“I never knew.”
I keep silent. Did I just say all that out loud?
“No, don’t stop talking on me now. Keep going.”
Is he fishing for compliments or does he really care how I felt about him? “I’m not sure what’s going on right now.” I put my head in my hands, trying to think.
“You were telling me that you like me.”
“Oh, that’s right. I did when we were younger. But you were always too good for me.”
“That’s not true. I was never good enough for you.
That’s all it was.”
“You left me.” My once happy moment is starting to turn sad. I can feel the tears coming. “You left me behind.” “I came back for you.” He puts his hand on my cheek. My head feels heavy as I lean into his touch and I close my eyes.
“Paige? Are you okay? Paige?” I feel him grab ahold of me. “Let me get you home.”
It’s all a blur.
Carried in his arms, I hear him jingle keys around and I recognize the inside of my apartment. I close my eyes again and listen as I hear Laura’s voice. “What did you do to her?”
“I didn’t do it. She was drunk when I got there. Her new friend is a little crazy and brought out a side of her that I’ve never seen before. It was honestly a little amazing to witness.”
“Larissa? Ugh. Well, can you bring her into her room at least? I can take over from there.”
“Sure.” I feel movement and I can smell his cologne as my head rests against his shoulder. I don’t want him to let me go. I’m lying on my bed and I open my eyes as wide as I can manage.
“What are you doing?” I ask him.
“Taking off your shoes. Laura is going to come in here in a bit and make sure you’re okay.”
“Don’t go.”
“I can’t stay.”
“You’re always leaving me.” Tears start falling and I let out a sob.
He pushes my hair back from my head a few times and whispers, “Shh, I’m here now. I’ll never leave you again.”
I fall asleep to the sound of his voice and the feeling of his hand running through my hair. I thought I felt a kiss on my cheek but it could have just been what I hoped would happen.
“Good night, Paige.”
***
I wake up in the middle of the night and make a beeline for the bathroom where I throw up every single drink I’d consumed. I throw up over and over until I’m dry heaving and hanging onto the toilet for dear life. When I gain enough strength to stand, I see horrible raccoon eyes staring back at me in the mirror. Please Lord, please let me not have looked like this all night. I don’t remember seeing my eyes this bad the few times I went into the restroom, but basically, I had just washed my hands when I was done and got out of there so I could continue the fun. Singing karaoke and dancing is all I really remember. Larissa and her shots. Eli was there for a little bit before I went dancing.
I quickly brush my teeth and swish around some mouthwash before lying back down on my bed, still wearing my dress, while my room spins in circles.
I’m never drinking again!
The next morning, my head feels like it’s about to explode. Was last night worth it? Maybe? I don’t remember. I don’t care. I need coffee.
I moan and throw my blankets off to the side. That alone took so much effort. I moan again.
“Paige? You up?” Laura asks from the hallway.
“Stop screaming at me.”
“I’m talking normal. Coffee’s ready. Want me to bring you a cup or are you coming out?”
“Coming out. Eventually.” I lay there for a few more minutes before I get up and drag my feet down to the kitchen and sit on the closest chair. Laura brings me my favorite green mug, filled to the brim with hot coffee.
“Thanks,” I say taking a sip. “Wait … are you washing dishes?”
“Yeah.”
“Has hell frozen over?”
“No, I just knew you’d be out of it today and figured
I could help out a bit.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
“I called in sick.”
“Are you sick? Maybe that’s why you’re washing dishes?”
I’m not. I have a bunch of sick days to use or I’ll lose them. I figured I could use one on you.”
“That’s sweet.”
“And I’m dying to know what happened last night.”
“With Larissa? That girl is nuts. That’s all I really remember.” I take another sip.
“I could care less about Larissa. What I want to hear about, is Eli.”
“Eli?” I don’t know what she wants me to say. “We all sat around and talked for a bit. Well, Larissa did most of the talking. He sat at the table while we danced. That’s really all there is.”
“No,” she says shaking her head. “More happened.”
“If it did I don’t remember. I know I threw up last night. Or maybe this morning …”
“What about after you got home? Did anything happen in your room?”
“You’re scaring me. What are you talking about?”
“Wow, you really don’t remember do you?”
“I had way too much to drink.”
“Okay, this is what I know.” She takes a seat at the table with me. “Eli brought you home—”
“Whoa.”
“He carried you inside—”
“Laura, I’m going to cry.” I’m mortified. I want to crawl under a rock.
“Stop interrupting me. Okay, Eli brought you home and carried you into the apartment. When I bitched him out for getting you drunk, he claimed he had nothing to do with it. I told him to bring you into your room because there was no way I was carrying you, so he brought you in and I went to the door and spied on you guys.”
“You spied on us? Laura!”
“I know, I couldn’t help it. I would have left if you guys were going to get it on but I wanted to know what was going to happen. So I hear you guys talking. Basically you were asking him to stay and he wouldn’t, so you started crying and—”
I shriek.
I’m horrified. Absolutely horrified.
“So you started crying and he was playing with your hair
, then I saw him lean over and kiss you.” She takes a deep breath. “He totally likes you, Paige. He had the biggest smile on his face when he left. He told me to take care of you since he couldn’t “right now.” Whatever that meant. He wanted to bring you back to your car today, but
I told him I would.” She stops and smiles at me. “That’s all I know.”
I lean forward and let my forehead fall hard onto the table. “I’m never drinking again,” I mumble. I look up at her. “How am I supposed to face him? What else did I do?” I gasp. “What if he doesn’t want to take me out on a date anymore?” I blew it. My only shot at getting a chance with him is ruined.
“From what I saw last night, he isn’t going anywhere.”
“I wish I could remember everything I did. On the other hand, I don’t want to remember.” I sigh. “But I don’t want him to be able to remember either.”
“What’s done is done.”
“Easy for you to say. I’m so embarrassed. I should call Larissa and ask her, but she’s probably in worse shape than I am. I don’t even know if she got home okay!”
I get up and go to my room. I spot my purse sitting on my dresser, next to my cell phone. I have a new text.
Eli: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine. Thank you for bringing me home.
I should apologize while I’m at it, but I don’t want to get into it with him right now. I just want to avoid him and hope this embarrassment goes away.
Eli: I didn’t mind one bit.
Do I have to answer him back? I’m not going to.
I find Larissa’s number and call her.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Paige.”
“Hi, Paige. I feel like death.”
“I’m right there with you. I just want to make sure you got home okay.”
“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Where did you go?”
“I’m so sorry. I think I passed out at the table or something and Eli brought me home.”
“I saw you guys sitting there talking for some time but next thing I knew you were gone. Wasn’t sure if you were sleeping together or what.”
“No! We are definitely not sleeping together. I didn’t even know he was going to be there.”
“He was asking me about it when I saw him in the parking lot after my interview, but I didn’t know he’d be there either.”
“Well, okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh, I’d like you to come in around eight.”
“I’ll see you then. Bye, Paige.”
I go back into the kitchen. “She’s fine. Her neighbor picked her up. She thought Eli and I left to go have a one night stand. I wonder how many other people think the same thing.”
“I don’t think I’d mind if people thought Eli and I were sleeping together.”
“Well, as little as I care what people think, that’s one thing I do mind.”
“I know. Maybe now you can get some answers from him.”
“I don’t want to ruin our date by interrogating him with things from the past. I’d like some answers but maybe our first date isn’t the right time? I have hope to be asked for a second one.”
“You’re right. In due time.” I walk over and throw myself on the couch when Laura comes out from the kitchen. “One more thing.”
“Yeah?”
“When are you going to clean up your face?”
“You mean my raccoon eyes?”
“The very ones.”
“When I feel like it. My eyes do burn a little. I’ll shower and then you’ll bring me to my car?”
“Yup.”
“Thanks, Laura.”
Chapter 13
16 Years Old - Eli
A part of me is gone forever. That part was taken away and can never be returned. My life will never be the same.
Mom has been gone for three months. She made it ten months longer than the doctors thought she would, not long after my sixteenth birthday.
At first, I didn’t leave my room unless absolutely necessary. I felt closed off from everyone: Paige, Patrick, and even my little sister who shared the same grief.
Paige persistently kept showing up, crawling through my bedroom window, day or night. She would remove her shoes and climb into my bed just to hold me for hours. I didn’t say anything, just let her do what she wanted, as I tried to forget. She’d run her fingers through my hair and sing for me, but more often than not, we would just lay there, in silence. We weren’t strangers to it.
And at that time, I welcomed it.
My dad started drinking, got angrier, and took it out on me, even worse than before. I no longer have my mom to protect me, which he reminded me of repeatedly. It started getting physical, with a few shoves and smacks to my head, but I just took it.
I still take it.
I’m forever changed. I’m not happy anymore, but no one at school would ever know. No one but her. I don’t want anyone to know how it was this past summer. So how do I handle that? I choose to ignore the one person who I now love the most. She reminds me of better days. She makes me care, and I don’t want to care about anything right now.
I stopped calling Paige, ignoring the phone calls she made to my house. I started locking my window and hung a blanket over it so she couldn’t see in. I ignored the constant tapping and knocking. I refused to let her into my room when she came to the front door asking for me, and I quit picking her up in the morning to take her to school. I’ll always wonder how long she stood outside and waited for me. When she came to talk to me after school, I ignored her and walked right on by. I didn’t want to bring her down with me anymore. I just wanted to deal with this on my own terms.
I decided the best thing to do was to throw myself into football. That’s what Dad wanted, it’s what I was good at, and it gave me the release I needed. It also gave me time away from home.
Sarah was always doing something for school or off with her friends. She’s learned to let go and move on. And when she was home, I didn’t have to worry about dad turning his anger towards her. She was his baby girl.
In the locker room after practice, I show up late and walk in to find my group of friends laughing and joking around about one of the guys being whipped by his new girlfriend.
“You coming out to eat with us?” Patrick asks me as he packs clothes into his duffel bag.
“Yeah, where are we headed?”
“Everyone is meeting at Belle’s Pepper.”
My heart leaps into my throat. I know Paige still works there. I see her every day at school and it’s difficult to ignore her. She makes it so very, very hard now that she’s starting to dress differently and wearing her hair down sometimes. I can barely keep my eyes off of her.
“Sounds awesome!” Not really.
I grab my bag and bring it out to my car, tossing it into the backseat. I sit here and look at the empty seat next to me and picture Paige sitting there. I can’t help but think about all the rides we’ve taken, the places I’ve driven her to, or about that damn kiss. We never did kiss again after that. So many times I wanted to, but never did.
The place is crowded and it’s none other than Laura who greets me and turns to show me to my table. She gives me a look which makes me think she knows how awful I’ve treated her friend. I see those two working together and hanging out in the hallways. I’m glad Paige has someone to spend her time with.
“Can I get you something to drink?” she asks on the way.
“I’ll take a water.”
“Sure thing. Your waitress will be with you shortly.” She gives me a knowing look and walks away to get my water.
My friends all laugh and holler when I show up. They move down to make room for me, making me feel like a king. I pass out a few high fives and some smiles to the girls as I take my seat. Allison scoots closer to me and puts her hand on my leg. I let her. As Miller and I start discussing last week’s game, Paige comes by and passes out a few beverages. She asks if anyone needs anything else when we make eye contact. I as
k for an order of fries. She nods and leaves. Allison makes a disrespectful comment about her clothing and the way she used to always wear her hair in a braid. I hear someone snicker and I want to yell at them to leave her alone or smash their heads together. Instead, I look down and say nothing. They make snarky comments towards her every time we’re here. And I hate myself for allowing it to continue. I know she hears some of it, yet she stays professional and keeps on smiling. That’s my girl. My little bookworm. As much as I hate being here and having to face her, I like to watch her work. I can’t help but sit here and imagine what it would be like if she were mine.
As we finish up our food and the bill is divided up and paid, I’m one of the last people sitting at the table near closing time. I’m in the middle of talking to Patrick when Paige comes over to check on us one last time.
“Did you guys need anything else?” she asks sweetly. I’ve been so cruel, yet she still treats me amazingly well.
“No, we’re leaving. Thanks though.” I put my napkin over my empty basket and slide out. Patrick stands next to me and I tell him I’ll talk to him tomorrow. He leaves and I walk over to where Paige is refilling salt and pepper shakers.
I clear my throat. “Hey, Paige.”
“Hi, Eli. What can I get you?”
I nervously run my hands through my curls. Though they’re a little shorter now, they’re still there. “I don’t need anything. Um, I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For what they said. How they treat you.”
Her cheeks turn red and she looks a little embarrassed. “Oh. It’s fine. I didn’t hear anything,” she says, brushing it off.
I don’t know what else to say so I turn and leave.
I toss and turn until I can’t take it anymore and throw the covers off. I pull on some pants, grab a sweatshirt, and crawl out my window, making the walk to Paige’s.
I’m not surprised to see her room lit up. She must be up reading, and I smile as I think that some things haven’t changed. I look down and find a few small rocks that I know won’t break or crack her window. I swiftly toss one up. Then another. And another, until I see her shadow move. I watch her peer out her window and I stand there looking back at her. She disappears and I wait.